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Lily

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  • in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #231351
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    sorry, there was a misunderstanding. By working twice a day for 30 minutes I meant working on my projects for university. I realize now that I didn’t express that clearly (I hope my English is understandable). Like I said before, I have some procrastination problems. And I have some unfinished projects and also stuff I need to work on for this semester. So I want to start small, later I can expand the schedule.

    I also want to exercise more, but for now I only want to go to the self defense class once a week and maybe to another class on another day, if I have enough time. Better start small, like you said as well.

    Yes, I sometimes feel weird and crazy. And I worry that I also seem crazy to others, like this person I’ve met and his sister. By woman-child I mean that I feel like I’m not behaving like a true adult, that I’m childlike or childish. I just feel like I need to grow up some more. I think I avoided some responsibilities, like choosing a stable career or being in a committed relationship. I need to learn how to properly take care of myself. But on the other hand, I also have no problems with some other “grown-up things”: I’ve lived by myself, I’ve lived in different places (even a different country), I know how to find a room for myself, cook for myself, clean up after myself etc. So maybe there is still hope… But then again, these things are normal for most people my age. But I should stop comparing myself, I guess and just accept that I’m not there yet. And I should stop telling myself that I’m weird or crazy, because it doesn’t help.

    I wish you a nice and fulfilling day away from the computer! Hope you are well!

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #231339
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    you are right, I think. It takes two people to form a friendship or relationship. So I guess I’m not the only one to blame. But my personal problems were definitely an issue. I don’t want to stay like this anymore, I don’t want to be a child-woman and crazy/weird. I want to grow up. But it will take a lot of work.

    Setting goals is something I need to get back into. Why did I stop? Usually I only stick to my goals for a short time before I fall back into my unproductive habits. It was actually the main problem why my therapy failed. I wasn’t making progress in that area. Somehow I’m not taking myself seriously. Sometimes I just feel like nothing matters or I procrastinate and distract myself. Maybe I am just very bad at managing my own time. When I’m at work, I can concentrate very well and I am productive. The same goes for classes. For example today in my class I was working on my project and after class I felt very happy with myself. If there is an appointment for work, uni or a sports class together with a friend I will show up and am reliable most of the time. But working by myself at home doesn’t work so well.

    I think I should write down my goals and to do lists in a journal again.

    For now, I want to

    – Decide on a theme/project for my class

    – Go to the choir and sports class

    – Work every day for 2 x 30 minutes (better start small, I think)

    – Think about the steps I need to take to become financially independent

    Okay, it’s maybe not so much, but it is a start, I think. And I also still have classes and work to go to. I cannot fail again, because I don’t want to be in the same place in a year, I want to make progress!!

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #231267
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reply. Maybe I have to read more about mindfulness, to understand it better. I guess for now I should focus on what I feel at a moment.

    You are right, you can’t be motivated all the time. You mean that you have to do the work, regardless of if you feel like it, right? I still struggle with this, but I have to change, because I don’t want to be in that same state in five or ten years. Maybe I should go back to setting small goals for myself for each day or week. The feeling of being unproductive just makes me feel bad about myself.

    But I guess it’s also normal to have success and then fail again, right? It takes time, I guess.

    I think you are right about the guy, it also doesn’t read promising to me either. Now he is far away and probably also tired of me. I think I was too awkward and insecure. But to be realistic, I didn’t really believe that this relationship had much of a future from the start: he lives in another city, he is five years younger, our communication was most of the time awkward, we don’t have that much in common and he is always very busy, so that I don’t know if there was room for me in his life. I regret overstepping my own boundaries. Why did I not respect myself more? I don’t know why I always want to please people and why I go so far with it. My own feelings and needs should be my number one concern in these matters (especially when not knowing a person that well).

    Maybe it doesn’t make much of a difference in my life. It was just an attempt at love or a relationship or something. At least I gave it a try and learned more. But I’m also a little sad that I ruined a friendship or relationship with a person I really liked. And I have self doubts. But I guess it doesn’t matter if he tells me it’s over or not. If it’s over, it’s over I guess.

    What also bothers me is that his sister is my flatmate. On Sunday I went to the kitchen to cook and there she was, with her friend. They were talking in another language, but I could understand that they mentioned my field of study. So maybe they were talking about me. It bothers me, that she now might know some things about me, that I don’t want her to know. I should not care so much about what other people think. It’s their problem and I should rather focus on my own progress and improving my life. If they want to judge me, that’s on them. At least that’s what my more rational self tells me, but another side of me just is very worried and wants to hide and not go to the kitchen again… Next week there is also a floor meeting and I really don’t want to go. But I guess I should. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like my own problems are ridiculous. Why are such small things such a big problem for me? I should be over it, especially at my age. But I guess I’m just a little slower than others.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Lily.
    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #231165
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it’s good to hear that you are doing well. I guess it’s normal to sometimes feel better, sometimes worse. The idea of always being happy is not rooted in reality I guess. You make small choices to make your life better, that’s so commendable. I also try to practice mindfulness, but it doesn’t always work. Today I went for a walk and I tried to stay in the present moment, but negative thoughts came up again and again.

    I have to think a lot about this guy I met about two months ago. The communication is declining. He wrote me a few times on Friday, then stopped again. He had a family event, so maybe he just was too busy. But I still fear that he just doesn’t want to answer me. Maybe he is already tired of me? I sent him another message today, maybe I should stop sending messages if he doesn’t reply (but I got tempted when I saw that he was online). I really like him a lot. He is such a gentle and caring person. But maybe it’s already over and my self hate ruined it all… If only we could at least be friends… At least I hope that he will tell me, if he doesn’t want to see me or speak to me anymore…

    On a more positive note, I went to the choir with my friend last week and I liked it. I had forgotten that I actually enjoyed singing. Joining a choir feels a little embarrassing though. But it’s also a good way of staying in contact with my friend.

    I also would have tried out the self defense class, but the class was canceled, so I went for a walk with another friend. Plus I went and saw two other friends during the weekend, so I was very social and kind of active…

    I’m thinking about what you said, that I should persist when distressed. It’s definitely something I need to work on! At the moment I’m struggling to find a topic for and work on a project for university. So I procrastinated a lot. I had an idea for a topic, but wasn’t entirely sure about it. But I will sit down now for at least half an hour and write, to clear my thoughts. So that will be a start and I will probably feel better.

    This should be my priority now. If I can improve my career, I will feel better. Or maybe this is wrong and I should accept things as they are now. I always stand in my own way… I’m sabotaging myself. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get it together, especially when it comes to my career. Maybe I have too high expectations and I worry too much, instead of taking action.

    I hope therapy can help me to overcome this and that it won’t fail again. One time my old therapist said, that I can never be fully healed, that I can only improve so much. I had to think about this a lot last week. I really want to make it work this time, so I try to implement the suggestions of my therapist (like going to the choir). But last time I also made a lot of progress at the beginning (because I was motivated) and later I got very stuck.

    Okay, sorry for rambling so much, I better stop now. Thank you for reading and have a good day!

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #230145
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    you always help everyone, sometimes I wonder how you are? I want to say thank you for always reading replying and caring.

    I think it takes a lot of strength to work on yourself, to become better. I’m impressed how you did it and turned your life around! You are right, we are all struggling, we are all equal. I like this way of thinking much more than thinking that this or that person is better or worse than another. I don’t think that someone is more important or worthy because they have more money, a better career or have accomplished more things. Why can’t I hold these same standards when it comes to myself? The good thing is, I’m thinking more about this, understanding more and more…

    Today I feel a little down, because he doesn’t message me at all anymore now. Yesterday I sent him a message asking if everything is okay. Maybe it was a mistake. I will leave him be now, no more messages.

    Yesterday I also called my former therapist during her telephone hours, to arrange a closing meeting, like my new therapist suggested. The telephone rang, but then the answering machine started. Some weeks ago I also left a voice mail and she didn’t call back. I think that she doesn’t want to talk to me. Was I such a horrible patient? But okay, I will not call her anymore as well. It just makes me feel angry and sad… And I know that if I ever want to end a relationship with a person again, I will tell them to their face, without making excuses.

    Even if I fail at a lot of things, at least I tried! I think I have learned more through these experiences. I’m getting to know myself better and better. And I can see what I want to change and why. I don’t want to run away anymore and avoid uncomfortable things.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #229993
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for reply! It’s so amazing that you overcame your struggles and can now feel more comfortable in social situations! It gives me hope that I too can achieve this one day. The things you describe are similar to what I am experiencing. I definitely worry too much about what others think… They probably don’t even think that much about me.

    I hope you are well, please take care of yourself!

     

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #229787
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    I hope I am making progress. In the last months, I felt a little bit better than in the months before… Maybe also because I didn’t take my medication for Hypothyroidism since about February and started taking them again this summer.

    In theory, it seems possible that these negative thoughts are not true. I can understand that people sometimes believe in things that are not true, maybe because they are uninformed or they just grew up with those beliefs and it’s hard to challenge them. As I said before, I can also see that I have some positive qualities as well. And I know I focus too much on my negative sides.

    My goal right now is to become more confident. My therapist suggested I try out voice coaching (as my voice is so soft, high and childlike, especially when I’m feeling insecure). But it’s too expensive, maybe I will try to join a choir. Last Saturday, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in so long by accident. It was so nice to see her! She invited me to join her, as she is going to look at a new choir this week. The only thing is, I don’t really like choirs… In my childhood I wanted to join the church choir for children. But after a while, I wanted to leave but wasn’t allowed. Also, my mother likes to sing at family events, she even sings prayer songs at the restaurant. I feel kind of embarrassed and uncomfortable in such situations. Singing together always feels cultish to me… But I really want to make this therapy work this time, so I want to listen to the therapists suggestions.

    Also, I wanted to go to a self – defense class for a long time, but it’s also way too expensive. But now I found a sports center that offers self-defense classes and also lots of other classes for only 10€ per month. I want to go there with a friend next Friday.

    Another thing I want to do is write a “self-love-journal” everyday where I list things I like about myself. The youtuber Lavendaire suggested this idea in one of her videos and I think it’s worth a try.

    Am I wanting too much at once again? Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure again… I think after I met this new person I felt so boring when I told him that I spent my days painting, cleaning up a little, reading or cooking and only going to work on some days. Now I feel like I don’t want to be such an unproductive person anymore…

    After I met him last Wednesday, he isn’t contacting me that much anymore. Maybe he is just busy. Or he has other problems. Apparently there are also problems in his home country at the moment, so maybe he has far bigger things to worry about. I hope his family is o.K…. I don’t want to be selfish, but I still worry and feel sad. He only sends me messages that say “Hi” or “How are you?”. But he doesn’t respond if I ask him how he is or comments on my answers (they are short too, because I don’t know if I should engage in a conversation, if he seems so uninterested in it). I worry that I appeared too insecure during our last meeting. I was feeling uncomfortable and couldn’t be myself. When he told me about his plans and his life, I was impressed. He seems like such a good person. But at the same time, I got really scared, because I have such problems getting my life together. And I told him that I have these problems. He also asked me what I think when I hear the word “future” and I answered that I want to be more independent, but that I’m also sacred of the future.

    He probably realized, that I have a lot of things to work on myself. He is someone, who does everything for his future goals. He always gets things done, so he has no problems later. He always says: life is easy. But for me it’s often hard, maybe I make it hard for myself. I get afraid, so in the end I stand in my own way and don’t get things done. He is the opposite. He said there is nothing to be afraid of, if you’re a good person. And then he goes out and gets things done. Maybe, as I have problems in that area that is so important to him, he realized that I’m not an adequate partner.

    I don’t know, I feel sad that he is not contacting me that much anymore. But I try to focus on myself and my goal of becoming more confident. I think if I get more confident, I can also solve my other problems better. Therefore I want to do all those new activities and meet more people and work on myself. On the plus side, I got back in contact with three friends I hadn’t seen in a while. So there are still some things to look forward to and there are still some people who do like me…

    About telling him to not take phone calls while we are seeing each other. Yes, I could do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to be too judicial. If we meet again, maybe I could try  this. Last time we met, he even called someone, because he wanted to ask them, if he could give away their phone number to another person. So he must have also had this conversation about the phone number on his Smartphone while we met… Maybe it’s also my fault. I was nervous and insecure and there were awkward silences… So maybe, likely, I made him feel uncomfortable and was not fun to be around.

    I hope that someday I can accept myself more and be more comfortable with myself and therefore with others.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #229071
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thanks for your response. It encouraged me a little.

    Of course, other people have problems too. I need to stop focusing so much on my flaws and try to build my confidence. Writing helps, I think. Maybe I should start writing daily.

    This attempt of a relationship makes me feel so insecure. It’s hard for me to believe that anyone could actually like me. It can’t be real. I’m always waiting for him to tell me that he wants to end it. Probably not the best conditions for a healthy relationship.

    After meeting him I lost my balance a little. I was often waiting to meet him and even returned home earlier than I normally would have on some occasions. And I didn’t get that much done. So I felt very boring and strange.

    Now I want to focus on myself more again. Actually I have a lot of interests, but I need to actually engage in them more. Maybe this will make me feel better about myself. But in therapy we also talked about how self worth doesn’t have to be tied to accomplishments. You can base it on your values, relationships or even your looks… It’s hard for me to distance myself from that belief that I’m not good enough because I’m not productive enough or haven’t accomplished enough.

    I wish I could accept myself more. It’s probably the key to everything else that doesn’t work out. But how do I start? On some days I can even feel good about myself and I know that I have some talents. But on other days I hate myself so much. Sometimes I wish somebody could hit me or punish me.

    It is true that people could take advantage of me… But I don’t think that man is like that. He seems to be very respectful to everyone he meets. I really think he is a good person. He also always asks if I’m okay, also when it comes to sex. He doesn’t pressure me. But I still sometimes said that it is okay, when I was feeling unsure or didn’t enjoy it that much. I guess I should try to be more honest. But it’s the hardest thing for me to say no to others. Maybe if I get to know him better I will relax more.

    The only thing I don’t like that much is that he often takes phone calls and talks to the callers for a few minutes, while we meet. Or he looks as his smartphone. I guess it’s normal in our day and age, but I find it kind of sad. If someone called me, I would just say that I will call again later? He is very social and connected to his family, which is good for him. But at the same time, if I’m meeting with a person, I want to spend the time with them, not think about others, that are far away… It seems to me that everyone wants something from him and he wants to help everyone. So maybe he has similar problems like me…

    And I also wonder if there is even space for me in his life…

    But I guess I have to just see how it goes. I should probably try to worry a little less about all that. On the positive side, I wouldn’t have even gone on a date with someone a few years earlier. If someone expressed any form of interest in me, I would have run and hidden away. So it’s seems I’m making slow progress?

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #228823
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    today I met with this man and we went to eat. I think he is a really good person. He tells me about his plans and how he took responsibility for himself and his siblings from an early age on. I wish I could be like that myself. In comparison I feel very childlike and broken. I really want to get my life together. But why wasn’t I able to do it so far? People my age usually have their careers more figured out and are financially independent. But I guess it doesn’t help to compare. It will help to try harder.

    Maybe I first have to sort out my mental health problems. I don’t know if I have enough to offer to him… I think he deserves a truly amazing person. He thinks I’m a good person ( he said it again yesterday on the phone). But I have so many flaws and he will probably be disappointed when he gets to know me better. Sometimes I wonder if I act “holier than thou”, so that people think I’m like that? But I’m just very flawed. Once I told my old therapist that I want to be a good person, and she asked if I want to be a saint? I don’t want to give this impression, like I’m all innocent or perfect? I especially don’t want to give others the impression that I’m somehow more “good” or “innocent” than them. I would like to be more human and authentic.

    In the past (especially in the last half year) many of my friendships failed, like I explained earlier on this thread. This really makes me doubt my ability to be a good friend or partner. Why did I behave like this? In the future I want to rather address problems with people, than just stop calling them. I do really regret this. Maybe I was just lazy. It was uncomfortable. And also, when I feel bad about myself, I have a tendency to isolate myself. I only stayed in contact with very close people.

    I’m very scared that I will hurt him in the future. Or that I will be a burden to him (or anybody). That’s why I really want to improve.

     

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #227625
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I don’t know if he was feeling sexual. That day I was sick. We were just talking, it was actually really nice. He was laying with his head on my lap and I was caressing his face…. For me it was clear that we were not going to have sex. The next day he wanted to come over to sleep at my place (I think he meant without sex?) after he came back from meeting his friends. As I was feeling sick, I communicated that I don’t want him to come over that day. He also would had arrived at about 2 am and maybe I’m boring, but that’s too late for me. And then I met him again yesterday.

    Maybe I don’t trust him enough? He does seem to be a good person. He works really hard and is so focused on his goals (I would like to be more like that too!). He’s also really affectionate and never does anything against my will. He tells me about his plans for the future. His sister is my flatmate (in my current dormitory), but I don’t know her that well . But she also seems to be a good person and very hardworking. I think he also told her about me. Once I met her and she smiled at me in a way that makes me think he talked to her about me. He also knew something about me that she must have told him (that I spend a lot of time alone). So those are reasons that make me think he is trustworthy.

    But I have a hard time trusting him. I find it hard to believe that someone like him would like me. I’m also 5 years older than him. I guess I look good, but I’m difficult, don’t have my life together and am old… Aside from compliments on my looks he said that he likes about me that I’m so nice and that I like people… And that I’m a good person.

    Maybe he is genuine and I am too distrustful by sometimes suspecting he just wants sex?

    I don’t know. I don’t know what he is thinking. He has a lot of things going on. His work, his friends, his family, his studies. Even when we meet he sometimes talks to one of his aunts on the phone. I wonder if there is even room for me in his life.

    In comparison, my life feels empty and boring. But actually I like it a bit calmer. But sometimes I feel ashamed when I tell him that I have mostly been painting on a day. (Sometimes I get even less done 🙁 )

    Am I very stupid for having sex with him so quickly? It wasn’t very well thought through and I also lost control a little bit. That was actually something I didn’t want to do. I wanted to wait until I get to know a person better. But I seem to repeat my mistakes. Dating flatmates (he was living with his sister for the summer) is definetely not a good idea for me. It makes it much harder to establish my boundaries.

    Maybe it really better not to have sex with him until I get to know him better. But it will also be hard to get to know him better, sice he is going away this week.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #227587
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reply as always.

    I think I take those problems into my existing relationships. It is really hard for me to tell others what I want or to tell them what I don’t want or what I don’t find o.K.

    Yesterday I tried to talk to the new person I met (boyfriend?) about contraception. Because it concerns me that he wanted to have unprotected sex. Last week he even said “I want to have a baby with you”. At first I just responded with “It’s too early for that. Maybe someday.” But then I thought more about it and found it weird that he said this after knowing me for less than a month. Was this just an invitation for unprotected sex??? I mean, which man likes to bring up children, especially if you just met someone new. Or maybe he just wanted to know my thoughts on having children later on… I don’t know.

    What I told him yesterday was, that I don’t think it’s good that he wanted to have unprotected sex without even knowing me properly or talking about the topic. I also said that we don’t have that much money and also, what about STDs?

    After talking to him, I felt like I had made a mistake. I think I didn’t find the right words, I also got too nervous and my voice got high pitched and child like. He apologized to me (which I hadn’t intended… the idea was more to have a conversation… not to make him feel bad) and said he accepts this. Then he hugged me and we just were lying next to each other for a while (clothed…). But I still felt nervous. Then he went to meet one of his friends.

    Now I worry that I might have lectured him too much. Or that I made him feel bad, like he has STDs? Or something? I just don’t understand how someone can be so carefree about this topic. But I also didn’t want to patronize him… And it also didn’t really work. No real conversation happened. I’m really bad at this. Maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship?

    Soon he will also go to another city to study and he will be only here for the weekends. I wonder what will happen then. He said we can still meet… I don’t know. Everything happened too fast.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #226257
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your advice at always. Do you know it has helped me many times? I hope you are doing okay too.

    Yesterday I talked to my therapist about my childhood. My parents did not respect my choices very much and if I had another opinion they didn’t accept it. They wanted me to submit to their rules and if I didn’t want it, I was the bad one.

    Maybe this is also why I have such a hard time telling people what I want or to say no to them. With this new relationship I started, so far I haven’t succeeded very well. Trying to be in a relationship is hard and I have to constantly overcome my fears. But I want to try harder, because at the end of the day I have nothing to lose. I could only end up alone and I already know what that is like. And I also really like this person, so I would like to get to know him more.

    I think this therapy is helping me. The new therapist seems to understand me and really care. But I have a long way to go, still.

    Well. I guess I just wanted to give a little update and say thank you again.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #225361
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    to some extent I agree with you, that as a pastor’s child it looks better if the child attends services. But the problem is, my parents did not sit down and explain this to me calmly. They didn’t accept my religious doubts and just wanted to pressure me to be religious again. I don’t feel like they tried to see my side. My mother to this day sends me religious books and calendars (it’s not really a problem – but still, it shows she doesn’t accept my decision).

    So much time and energy of my childhood was spent fighting for my religious freedom… And the freedom to be who I am.

    I also agree that it is okay for parents to watch over the movies their child watches. I was mentioning this more as one of the forms I used to resist my parents. But they also took it too far sometimes. For example, they wouldn’t let me watch Sailor Moon because they claimed it was tied to Munism? I just couldn’t take this seriously, even as a child. It was just too much…

    And that they condemned other religions just made it worse for me. I don’t care what someone does or doesn’t believe in. You are not better or worse just because you believe or don’t believe in a religion. At the end of the day, we are all humans. I can’t stand the arrogance of wanting to convert others… Or belittling someones religion as mere superstition, while thinking your religion is the only right one…

    Why do I have problems saying no to men? I don’t only have this problem with men. Also with colleagues or friends.

    I think I could tell my parents my opinion, because I was very sure of it. But I was probably not exactly nice about it. I also wasn’t able to see their side at the time to be honest. Back then I was different, I guess? A teenager and sometimes arrogant. But I also stood up for myself more, even if it wasn’t always in the best way. I believed in myself more, I thought I was a “fighter”. Sometimes I feel less passionate now. But sometimes people still say about me that I have inner strength. And I think I do? I think if I truly believe in something, I will stand up for it. But I can also be very weak and I have lost faith in myself, because I haven’t accomplished that much.

    But at least, in the last month or so I was feeling a little better. Hopefully therapy can help me more and that someday I can accept myself better.

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #225077
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    he now sent me a message, that he got home late yesterday, so he couldn’t respond. Maybe I overreacted. Often I worry too much and it has happened before that I got completely self-conscious over a comment, that was meant for somebody else.

    But it also seemed weird to me that he didn’t take my phone call and didn’t call back or anything after that. It was only two days. I guess I’m just too insecure?

    I responded to his message by asking him if he wants to go for a walk sometime and if we go, I want to suggest to take it a little slower. To rather cook something together, go swimming or watch a movie or do something else he might suggest.

    It is possible that I was sometimes punished unjustly as a child. Even my mother used to say that my sister was my father’s favourite.

    My main problem with my parents was religion. They are very religious, my father is a pastor. So of course, as the pastor’s child you had to go to church and be a good example. But I started to doubt religion very early.

    Plus, my parents grew up in the German Democratic Republic. For religious reasons, they didn’t want to join the Free German Youth. That meant that they couldn’t pursue a higher education. Life wasn’t always easy for them and I admire them for their strength to stay true to their beliefs.

    Still, you cannot believe in something just to please others.

    We had a lot of conflicts because of this. My parents told me that, as this is my fathers job, I need to play along. When I didn’t want to be confirmed, they pressured me to do it until I gave in. I also wasn’t allowed to choose ethics class in school instead of religious studies (Pupils of a certain age were allowed to choose for themselves). Things like that.

    My parents were also quite close minded. I remember my father showing me a book about Hinduism (or some other religion) telling me that this belonged into the “closet of poison” (I don’t know how to translate that properly…). They were outspokenly against horoscopes or new age things.

    This close mindedness turned me off so badly and I wanted to be nothing like that. I always enjoyed learning about different cultures and other ways of thinking. Later I studied Cultural Anthroplogy (Ethnology).

    They also forbade me to watch certain movies. I liked horror movies and for example the TV series “Buffy”. But I watched them anyways, in secret. My cousin recorded them for me.

    I stopped asking my parents for permission for certain things. For example I just dyed my hair or went out late at night (though this didn’t happen frequently as I’m not a party – person anyways).

    The nature of my parents attacks: they guilt – tripped me I guess? When I didn’t like to eat a certain food, my mother used to say “think of the poor children in Africa”. Or when my siblings fought she said “there is war everywhere in the word, we don’t need war at home”. Or of course that, if a pastor’s daughter doesn’t go to church frequently, “What will the people say?”

    And their attacks included verbal and physical attacks.

    And I fought back in secret, by doing forbidden things. But I also verbally told them what I didn’t want to do, or even that I hated them. Or later, if they hit me, I hit them back…

    Anita, thank you for always responding. You even read through old posts! You take so much time and effort to help others, it is so inspiring! I hope you take good care of yourself. THANK YOU!

     

    in reply to: What if you are the toxic person? #224965
    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it is one of my biggest fear to hurt others. I feel that if I get hurt, I can handle it. But if I hurt someone else I feel really bad.

    It hurts me, that he doesn’t even say that he doesn’t want to see me any more. Like I’m just some disgusting, worthless and crazy piece of sh**. I would like to send him a message, saying that I will respect him if he doesn’t want to see me any more, but that I would like to know what happened and if he is okay.

    It’s possible that I didn’t even hurt him and that maybe he just wanted sex… What I found weird were his exaggerated compliments and that he said he loved me so quickly. Once he came to a date talking on his phone and keep talking for at least two more minutes. He also wanted to have unprotected sex (I refused). After we first had sex, he went on a weekend vacation with his cousins and then on Monday he said he had to work from about 8 in the morning until midnight (maybe that’s just a coincidence, but I don’t know).

    When he last wrote me he said he was out with friends, so it seems that he doesn’t suffer that much, right?

    I still worry a lot and try to find out if my behaviour towards him was in any way wrong. I didn’t say any mean things to him or hit him. But I wonder if I emotionally abused him in some way… I couldn’t enjoy sex itself that much, I went more along with what he wanted and maybe he noticed. Maybe I made him feel bad because about it. Maybe I should stop speculating.

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