Dear Doseofreality,

thank you for your response. I am very lucky that during these times I am healthy and overall secure. Not everyone has that.Some are struggling way more, healthwise, economically and psychologically. I am also grateful to live in a country with a reasonable enough leader and a decent health care system.

I am working on changing my life already. I am trying to change my way of thinking and already I have made some progress. However it is easy to say and not so easy to do. This way of thinking is deeply rooted inside of me and to just discover that beating myself up or shaming myself is not helpful at all (on the contrary) was a big step for me. For such a long time I felt as if I was completely unlovable. Now I sometimes think: somebody could like me. Why not? I also have some good qualities.

Well, I do not want to stay the same person. I want to become a person I can be proud of. But I also want to be just o.K. with myself and fully accept myself.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

sorry I did not post earlier!

I am doing o.K. I am healthy, working on my routine (not always succeeding, but sometimes I do).

Not everything is going great. The 60% payment, my co-workers get it, but not me, because I have another type of contract. So now my contract is “paused” until the end of may, meaning I don’t have to work, they don’t have to pay. But at least I will still have a job after all of this, as long as the company survives this.

This whole situation leaves me a bit insecure about what to do next. To be honest I have procrastinated on taking action and feel a bit ashamed of myself (I was so optimistic at first..). I think I need to set a time for myself, where I will journal about it to make a decision. Maybe make some calls to inform myself better. At least I have some money saved up to survive the next months.

To be honest, I would prefer to use that time to just finish my uni projects, but of course, who knows how long all of this will last. My therapist said, there will be no decision that will be 100% satisfactory and that’s why it is so hard. But I will feel better, once I face the problems.

Besides that, I am o.K., not sick and nobody of my family of friends are sick as well. Self-isolation is not so hard for me, I feel that it not so drastically different from my normal lifestyle. And I still talk on the phone to my parents and my best friend. And I also talk to my roommate. So I am not completely lonely.

I am very thankful, that I get along well with my roommates. It could be so much worse! But I feel o.K. and at peace here. And I was also thinking about what you said above: “….getting to know each other slowly”- excellent, and I like the slowly part.”

For me, getting to know others slowly is the only way. Even if others might find it weird, find me distanced… I just need that, to get to know people step by step, or I will only overwhelm myself and do things when I am not ready!

I also try not to watch too much of the world news. I cannot do anything about it anyways. Of course I stay up to date on the current rules and the most important facts. But on some days, I watched the news the whole day and felt terrible after it.

My days are like this: I get up at 7 and go for an early morning walk. I try to draw a bit in the morning and also in the afternoon. At the evenings I journal and write down what to do the next day. I am finding out what works and what doesn’t work. Sometimes I still fail.

Thanks to my walks I have discovered my neighborhood, which I hadn’t explored at all before the pandemic. I am glad that we are still allowed to go for walks! There is a lake nearby, a brook, a graveyard that is like a big park… Nature is not far away at all.

And I have looked out for herbs during my walks and really observed what is growing. I found wood garlic, dandelion and nettles and have used some of them for cooking. This weekend I want to pick more wood garlic and make some  pesto out of it. I love learning more about wild herbs.

My conclusion is: I am o.K.: working on my routine, working on my art projects, but also need to make a decision regarding my financial situation.

How are you doing? Are you still seeing Hunter the baegle? Dogs always seem to be so happy, they know what the good things in life are. And are you still going for your walks?

hope you are o.K.!

Dear anita,

at the moment, I worry a lot about work. I work together closely with two people, A and B.

A is a very energetic and strong person. Everyone relies on her and she likes to take on a lot of responsibility. Sometimes I get the feeling: what would the company do without her? But I also worry that she doesn’t take such good care of herself. For a long time she stayed longer and even came to work when sick! I like her and appreciate her. Having her around makes me feel secure, if I am unsure I can ask her, but I try my best also to become stronger. I admire her for her energy and strength, at the same time she shows a more vulnerable side when talking about her children. On the other hand, sometimes communication can be difficult… especially if she doesn’t like someone…

B is a very sensitive and warm person. She really gets along with everyone and seems to be a caring and honest person. She also is good at communication, if she sees a problem, she will address it directly. I like how she always takes time to talk to everyone, buys birthday presents and is very thoughtful and empathetic. She also had a burnout before she came to work at our place. Everyone knows that.

The work is very much. You always have something to do and often I leave something for another day. Plus, there are clients calling or needing help all day long. Usually I don’t worry so much. I try to do my best, and if I can’t do it, I will just do the most important things and do the rest at another time. But I worry about my colleagues. I also listen to them, when A tells me that she is working a lot, or when B tells me she isn’t feeling well and cannot take a break…

Sometimes A said about B: what is she doing all day? Because A says she works on another project all day, which she has the main responsibility for. And she doesn’t help with the other tasks so much. But I think she does help. I don’t really know what she is doing, I am only focused on my own tasks, so I don’t pay attention to what the others do. I don’t care when A does a lot of other stuff for others and sometimes left our room for longer periods and I also don’t care when B focuses on her project. What bothers me is the miscommunication.

A apparently A never talked to B about it. But on Friday A said to me: meeting on Monday about the distribution of tasks. Then I already felt worried but also didn’t ask for more. And I wasn’t sure who would be in the meeting, maybe just the three of us, I thought. I should have asked more.

Today was the meeting and there were two of the managers there. We went through who did which tasks and it seemed I was doing a lot, but I don’t know. I cannot say how much time the work of B takes, but A says that it isn’t much. They asked B about all the things she has to do.

After the meeting B was upset and said she got the impression that they were telling her that she isn’t doing enough. And that they only saw the tings that were missing, but not how much we had improved. She also showed me a paper from her doctor about her burnout and asked if she should show this again to the managers. I listened to B (A was somewhere else). I also said, when A and B were both there, that we all tried our best, but A did not reply. She left the room and later came back and said to  me: “sorry,I did not listen to what you said”. And I tried again and started to say “I am worried about the both of you”, but a client came in and the conversation got interrupted again. I gave up. B also tried, but the conversation got interrupted again and I also have the impression that A did not really want to talk.

B talked to me about her sorrows and I got very worried. I asked myself: should I have stood up more for her? Should I have told A to directly talk to B instead of me?

At the end of the workday I was the only one left and the manager came to me and asked: “how was our discussion for you?” And I was so worried and feeling passionate that I told her: “B is working all the time and we all know she had a burnout” The manger said, we know that she works all the time, we just need to find out what takes up so much of her time. The others (other companies involved in the project) also need to do their share.” Then she also talked about other points from the discussions about other things.

Later I thought, it was probably wrong to say that to the boss about B. At the moment it just burst out of me and I wanted to stand up for B. But maybe I have misunderstood everything??

Like often, I took on too much responsibility. B is a grown up woman and can stand up for herself. A and B can resolve their problems without me. Next time I will tell them: please talk directly to each other. Maybe listen, but not get too involved.

I would like everybody to get along. The situation is stressful for me, I am trying to understand everyone, but I don’t know the solution.

Maybe I should just stick to my job! Still be empathetic of course, but not get involved into conflicts…

On a more positive note, last Sunday I went back to the exercise class. The week before I was just too late to talk to the instructor and went to an art gallery instead. I talked to the trainer and she was very friendly and kind. She encouraged me during the class and also came to me after the class and said that I have done well. I don’t think I will go back to the class though, because it is a little too advanced for me and also the attention made me feel a bit embarrassed and like an attention whore…. But I am glad I did it and passed the courage test.

About what you wrote above: I am starting to understand better the power of thoughts. Now I feel I know what it means to let your thoughts pass and that they are only thoughts. I am trying to pause my distressing thoughts, but I am not there yet. I try to focus on the moment, but when I am distressed, it is hard. I guess the long paragraph above shows that I haven’t mastered it yet.

I try to do something different now and not to think so much about the situation. I tried my best, but it wasn’t really the best strategy, I guess. I wanted only the best for everyone involved…

I think I will draw for a bit now. I hope you have a good day!

Dear anita,

yes, I have to work on making these positive things my life habits. As I can really feel that they make me feel better!

Today at work my colleague was at an event for the majority of the day, so there were no complaints. It felt more relaxed, but also I worried about making a lot of mistakes.

The worst thing though was when a new colleague (A) came and was looking for my other colleague (B), but she wasn’t at her workplace. He told me that I should tell her to call him when she comes back. When she came back I told her and she said “Him? But I just saw him.” So I figured they must have talked. I still worried, should I remind her? But maybe it would seem like I am some sort of control freak, so I let it be.

But then A came back and he asked B questions. So apparently they hadn’t spoken. And when he left I asked B, and she confirmed that they hadn’t.

I don’t know why, but this makes me really angry! Now it seems like I am unreliable or crazy or something. But I actually cared to deliver the message and to help my colleagues the best I can. Maybe I should have asked B more about it when she said she had just seen him or stressed more that it seemed important. Once again I fail at communication.

It really frustrates me. I would like to be normal and I would like to get along with people.I feel so foolish!

Thank you for your advice regarding the conflicts between my colleagues. It makes a lot of sense to me. I cannot remember having said anything bad about my colleagues. Because I actually like my colleagues and think that they are overall good people. Just the communication needs improvement and I have criticism about how some things are handled. To my colleague, I just agreed that some things didn’t work out or what I don’t find o.K. But I also worried that I was a little too uncritical of my colleague, cause she might have played her own part in the problem as well.

Hopefully things will get better at work. I often am very insecure there… But clearly I have improved compared to one year ago!

Tomorrow I will meet my best friend again. We haven’t seen each other a lot lately and I really missed her! The last time I visited her in January at my former dormitory where she now lives (I also had to “jump over my own shadow” to do that!). Hopefully it will be a good day together!

Dear anita,

sorry that I did not reply sooner. I am not so good at replying, also in my everyday life. So clearly, you don’t have to apologize if you take some more time to answer…

During the last weeks I was feeling a little more productive. I was imagining how a person that I admire would spend their day and that helped. What would she do? I asked myself.

And I wrote down my thoughts in a diary too sometimes. It helped me to see things a little bit clearer, to become more self-aware, more conscious. I should definitely continue. Also I made to do lists, and got at least some things done. But still had the feeling that I hadn’t done enough. Especially when it comes to drawing. I always have to force myself to get started. But yesterday I scheduled a time when to start, that helped a little.

Also I went to exercise classes four times last week. It felt good, but today I walked out of the class. The pace of the class was too fast and I couldn’t keep up, so I felt insecure. And then the instructor addressed me and wanted to correct me, I got overwhelmed and walked out. I know I overreacted and it was of course impolite to walk out. Then I worried about it, that I had interrupted the class and maybe the instructor was thrown off… But at least they continued as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes I have this reaction that I just walk out, most of the time I regret it later.

But it happened. I don’t know if I want to go to the classes anymore. But it helps me to go to a class to say motivated. On my own I have a harder time to exercise…

For today, I should do my best to make he rest of the day better. Maybe I will cook something, definitely will draw and clean up.

In reply to your post: yes, I think I have made some progress. Last week my therapist also said it, that I have improved. We read together the report she made for the insurance at the beginning of the therapy. She said that I am not looking around in the room so much anymore and can say better what I want.

In the report it said that she felt a mix of wanting to protect me, compassion and anger when talking to me (the report was from October 2018). She explained that the anger maybe came from me shifting the responsibility to her. And also the comparison to a child was made. It is very frustrating for me to hear. Hopefully I have improved in that area… I would like to take more responsibility and take better care of myself. Really, I don’t want to be like a grown up child.

But yes, again, like you said it takes time and self compassion. Really, I am trying. Even though some weird things like me walking out of class still happen.

And yes, I can learn from such situations, like the interview. To prepare better. And it already took some courage to ask my friend for that interview and go through with it. So I can be a bit proud of myself.

I have to admit, when it comes to the mentor, I haven’t really made progress. At the moment I am also more focused on organizing my life and structuring myself. I have the idea in the back of my head though. Maybe I feel a bit of resistance to the idea, because I would have to ask somebody, contact someone. Then they might feel bothered… but well, they can also say no, so there would be not too much to worry about.

And maybe I am also resisting because I would have to truly face my career-problems… And I am worried that it will be too much at once. Often I think too short term. Maybe I should plan better… I plan to make weekly reviews from now on, so then things will become clearer in my head.Writing has helped before in seeing things clearer!

Regarding saying “I think”, yes I use a lot of this vague language. I also often say “I don’t know”. My brother does the same. You can hardly communicate with him, he most of the time replies “I don’t know” “maybe” or “it’s possible”. His insecurity is even more extreme than mine.If he replies like this, other people make the decisions for him.

In therapy, I often replied “I don’t know”, when I didn’t know how to answer the question. But I genuinely felt that I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know the answer. I guess I often give away the responsibility to others as well, especially if I feel overwhelmed and unsure.

Dear jana,

thank you for your reply.

Since I made my innitial post, i am already feeling a lot better.

I have moved out of the dormitory and don’t feel as much anxiety.

Some weeks ago, I even went to the dormitory,because my best friend moved in there (somehow life always wants to challenge me). At first, I felt very uncomfortable about going, but I went. And we talked and laughed a lot. It was good, to add this memory, because when I moved out of there, I was very desperate and crying.

But now I am feeling better.

I want to work on improving my relationships with people, but also with myself. You are right, not everybody will like you. I am trying to learn that and not worry so much about strange looks or small signs of impoliteness. When a thought like that comes up again, I try to let it go (I am not always succeeding, but at least I am trying not to act on it).

Also, I have a therapist and we are working on my problems.I think I have already made some progress, but it is going slowly. Thanks again for you taking time to reply and for your help!

Dear anita,

you are right, it is better to make small steps. Often I want too much at once. Best to draw only a few minutes a day than do nothing at all.

Usually, once I start, I can also work for hours at home. Once I got over the initial period of procrastination and undecidedness..

Yesterday, I worked on an illustration. I was not completely satisfied with it, but maybe it is better to create something that is not perfect than creating nothing at all. But I don’t want to disappoint myself again. At least I want to be creative, no matter if the result is good or just mediocre.

In the next decade, I want to take more action, instead of being fearful. Even if I would never be commercially successful as an illustrator, I want to express myself and find my voice using art.

So far I did not believe in myself. Today I told my colleague about my dream of working as an illustrator, but he seemed sceptical. It felt disappointing, but of course I also haven’t believed in it myself. I want to show myself and others that I can do it, that I have a lot to share… I am no that “poor mouse” or “grey mouse”.

I will work more on my illustration today. Plus, I wrote my friend, if she would like to meet up from time to time to discuss our progress with our goals. I think it will benefit both of us.

Yesterday I also thought about what I am grateful for. My life is calmer now than one year ago. I get along well with my roommates and we shared our recipe for christmas cookies. When I came back from my holidays last Friday, my colleague hugged me. It was the colleague who used to make jokes about me! But now we get along better. I am proud of myself that I did not give up and that I improved my work performance. I also didn”t give up in class, when I had the feeling that my professor was irritated by me. I can feel now that he likes my drawings. I am also glad that I am cooking again as I had missed it when I stopped it during dormitory times… Last week I made a delicious fish soup and walnut bread. I know that I am good at a lot of things!

Also I think that I am seeing things clearer than one year ago and getting to know myself better and what I want and don’t want. I never want to hide again like I did last year at the dormitory. I am not a bad thing that must be hidden.

I made a self love playlist with songs that are inspiring. It has songs like “O.K” by Mabel or “Strength, Courage and Wisdom” by India.Arie. But at the moment, I feel most connected with the song “Take Me As I Am” by Mary J Blige.

Well, I am clearly feeling slowly better. But last week I was still a little bit disappointed by my procrastination. But I guess it will take some time!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

thank you anita, I also wish you a happy new year!

Sorry I didn’t reply earlier, but I wanted to write you soon.

I was thinking about the affirmations… Maybe overthinking…

My good qualities could be: I am creative, I have inner strength, I don’t give up, I am honest, I am passionate, I am empathetic, I have a lot of imagination, I want to be open minded, I can see and appreciate the little things in life, I want to be kind to people…

I feel that I am only starting to get to know myself.

As for the new year, yesterday and today I wrote down some goals for myself and also reflected on the past year. It started off not so good, but lately I have been feeling better. I have made improvements in some areas. Now I feel calmer and can see things more clearly.

Thank you for your ongoing support through those hard times!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Lily.