Dear anita,

sorry, there was a misunderstanding. By working twice a day for 30 minutes I meant working on my projects for university. I realize now that I didn’t express that clearly (I hope my English is understandable). Like I said before, I have some procrastination problems. And I have some unfinished projects and also stuff I need to work on for this semester. So I want to start small, later I can expand the schedule.

I also want to exercise more, but for now I only want to go to the self defense class once a week and maybe to another class on another day, if I have enough time. Better start small, like you said as well.

Yes, I sometimes feel weird and crazy. And I worry that I also seem crazy to others, like this person I’ve met and his sister. By woman-child I mean that I feel like I’m not behaving like a true adult, that I’m childlike or childish. I just feel like I need to grow up some more. I think I avoided some responsibilities, like choosing a stable career or being in a committed relationship. I need to learn how to properly take care of myself. But on the other hand, I also have no problems with some other “grown-up things”: I’ve lived by myself, I’ve lived in different places (even a different country), I know how to find a room for myself, cook for myself, clean up after myself etc. So maybe there is still hope… But then again, these things are normal for most people my age. But I should stop comparing myself, I guess and just accept that I’m not there yet. And I should stop telling myself that I’m weird or crazy, because it doesn’t help.

I wish you a nice and fulfilling day away from the computer! Hope you are well!

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. Maybe I have to read more about mindfulness, to understand it better. I guess for now I should focus on what I feel at a moment.

You are right, you can’t be motivated all the time. You mean that you have to do the work, regardless of if you feel like it, right? I still struggle with this, but I have to change, because I don’t want to be in that same state in five or ten years. Maybe I should go back to setting small goals for myself for each day or week. The feeling of being unproductive just makes me feel bad about myself.

But I guess it’s also normal to have success and then fail again, right? It takes time, I guess.

I think you are right about the guy, it also doesn’t read promising to me either. Now he is far away and probably also tired of me. I think I was too awkward and insecure. But to be realistic, I didn’t really believe that this relationship had much of a future from the start: he lives in another city, he is five years younger, our communication was most of the time awkward, we don’t have that much in common and he is always very busy, so that I don’t know if there was room for me in his life. I regret overstepping my own boundaries. Why did I not respect myself more? I don’t know why I always want to please people and why I go so far with it. My own feelings and needs should be my number one concern in these matters (especially when not knowing a person that well).

Maybe it doesn’t make much of a difference in my life. It was just an attempt at love or a relationship or something. At least I gave it a try and learned more. But I’m also a little sad that I ruined a friendship or relationship with a person I really liked. And I have self doubts. But I guess it doesn’t matter if he tells me it’s over or not. If it’s over, it’s over I guess.

What also bothers me is that his sister is my flatmate. On Sunday I went to the kitchen to cook and there she was, with her friend. They were talking in another language, but I could understand that they mentioned my field of study. So maybe they were talking about me. It bothers me, that she now might know some things about me, that I don’t want her to know. I should not care so much about what other people think. It’s their problem and I should rather focus on my own progress and improving my life. If they want to judge me, that’s on them. At least that’s what my more rational self tells me, but another side of me just is very worried and wants to hide and not go to the kitchen again… Next week there is also a floor meeting and I really don’t want to go. But I guess I should. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like my own problems are ridiculous. Why are such small things such a big problem for me? I should be over it, especially at my age. But I guess I’m just a little slower than others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

you always help everyone, sometimes I wonder how you are? I want to say thank you for always reading replying and caring.

I think it takes a lot of strength to work on yourself, to become better. I’m impressed how you did it and turned your life around! You are right, we are all struggling, we are all equal. I like this way of thinking much more than thinking that this or that person is better or worse than another. I don’t think that someone is more important or worthy because they have more money, a better career or have accomplished more things. Why can’t I hold these same standards when it comes to myself? The good thing is, I’m thinking more about this, understanding more and more…

Today I feel a little down, because he doesn’t message me at all anymore now. Yesterday I sent him a message asking if everything is okay. Maybe it was a mistake. I will leave him be now, no more messages.

Yesterday I also called my former therapist during her telephone hours, to arrange a closing meeting, like my new therapist suggested. The telephone rang, but then the answering machine started. Some weeks ago I also left a voice mail and she didn’t call back. I think that she doesn’t want to talk to me. Was I such a horrible patient? But okay, I will not call her anymore as well. It just makes me feel angry and sad… And I know that if I ever want to end a relationship with a person again, I will tell them to their face, without making excuses.

Even if I fail at a lot of things, at least I tried! I think I have learned more through these experiences. I’m getting to know myself better and better. And I can see what I want to change and why. I don’t want to run away anymore and avoid uncomfortable things.

Dear anita,

I hope I am making progress. In the last months, I felt a little bit better than in the months before… Maybe also because I didn’t take my medication for Hypothyroidism since about February and started taking them again this summer.

In theory, it seems possible that these negative thoughts are not true. I can understand that people sometimes believe in things that are not true, maybe because they are uninformed or they just grew up with those beliefs and it’s hard to challenge them. As I said before, I can also see that I have some positive qualities as well. And I know I focus too much on my negative sides.

My goal right now is to become more confident. My therapist suggested I try out voice coaching (as my voice is so soft, high and childlike, especially when I’m feeling insecure). But it’s too expensive, maybe I will try to join a choir. Last Saturday, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in so long by accident. It was so nice to see her! She invited me to join her, as she is going to look at a new choir this week. The only thing is, I don’t really like choirs… In my childhood I wanted to join the church choir for children. But after a while, I wanted to leave but wasn’t allowed. Also, my mother likes to sing at family events, she even sings prayer songs at the restaurant. I feel kind of embarrassed and uncomfortable in such situations. Singing together always feels cultish to me… But I really want to make this therapy work this time, so I want to listen to the therapists suggestions.

Also, I wanted to go to a self – defense class for a long time, but it’s also way too expensive. But now I found a sports center that offers self-defense classes and also lots of other classes for only 10€ per month. I want to go there with a friend next Friday.

Another thing I want to do is write a “self-love-journal” everyday where I list things I like about myself. The youtuber Lavendaire suggested this idea in one of her videos and I think it’s worth a try.

Am I wanting too much at once again? Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure again… I think after I met this new person I felt so boring when I told him that I spent my days painting, cleaning up a little, reading or cooking and only going to work on some days. Now I feel like I don’t want to be such an unproductive person anymore…

After I met him last Wednesday, he isn’t contacting me that much anymore. Maybe he is just busy. Or he has other problems. Apparently there are also problems in his home country at the moment, so maybe he has far bigger things to worry about. I hope his family is o.K…. I don’t want to be selfish, but I still worry and feel sad. He only sends me messages that say “Hi” or “How are you?”. But he doesn’t respond if I ask him how he is or comments on my answers (they are short too, because I don’t know if I should engage in a conversation, if he seems so uninterested in it). I worry that I appeared too insecure during our last meeting. I was feeling uncomfortable and couldn’t be myself. When he told me about his plans and his life, I was impressed. He seems like such a good person. But at the same time, I got really scared, because I have such problems getting my life together. And I told him that I have these problems. He also asked me what I think when I hear the word “future” and I answered that I want to be more independent, but that I’m also sacred of the future.

He probably realized, that I have a lot of things to work on myself. He is someone, who does everything for his future goals. He always gets things done, so he has no problems later. He always says: life is easy. But for me it’s often hard, maybe I make it hard for myself. I get afraid, so in the end I stand in my own way and don’t get things done. He is the opposite. He said there is nothing to be afraid of, if you’re a good person. And then he goes out and gets things done. Maybe, as I have problems in that area that is so important to him, he realized that I’m not an adequate partner.

I don’t know, I feel sad that he is not contacting me that much anymore. But I try to focus on myself and my goal of becoming more confident. I think if I get more confident, I can also solve my other problems better. Therefore I want to do all those new activities and meet more people and work on myself. On the plus side, I got back in contact with three friends I hadn’t seen in a while. So there are still some things to look forward to and there are still some people who do like me…

About telling him to not take phone calls while we are seeing each other. Yes, I could do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to be too judicial. If we meet again, maybe I could try  this. Last time we met, he even called someone, because he wanted to ask them, if he could give away their phone number to another person. So he must have also had this conversation about the phone number on his Smartphone while we met… Maybe it’s also my fault. I was nervous and insecure and there were awkward silences… So maybe, likely, I made him feel uncomfortable and was not fun to be around.

I hope that someday I can accept myself more and be more comfortable with myself and therefore with others.

Dear anita,

today I met with this man and we went to eat. I think he is a really good person. He tells me about his plans and how he took responsibility for himself and his siblings from an early age on. I wish I could be like that myself. In comparison I feel very childlike and broken. I really want to get my life together. But why wasn’t I able to do it so far? People my age usually have their careers more figured out and are financially independent. But I guess it doesn’t help to compare. It will help to try harder.

Maybe I first have to sort out my mental health problems. I don’t know if I have enough to offer to him… I think he deserves a truly amazing person. He thinks I’m a good person ( he said it again yesterday on the phone). But I have so many flaws and he will probably be disappointed when he gets to know me better. Sometimes I wonder if I act “holier than thou”, so that people think I’m like that? But I’m just very flawed. Once I told my old therapist that I want to be a good person, and she asked if I want to be a saint? I don’t want to give this impression, like I’m all innocent or perfect? I especially don’t want to give others the impression that I’m somehow more “good” or “innocent” than them. I would like to be more human and authentic.

In the past (especially in the last half year) many of my friendships failed, like I explained earlier on this thread. This really makes me doubt my ability to be a good friend or partner. Why did I behave like this? In the future I want to rather address problems with people, than just stop calling them. I do really regret this. Maybe I was just lazy. It was uncomfortable. And also, when I feel bad about myself, I have a tendency to isolate myself. I only stayed in contact with very close people.

I’m very scared that I will hurt him in the future. Or that I will be a burden to him (or anybody). That’s why I really want to improve.

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply as always.

I think I take those problems into my existing relationships. It is really hard for me to tell others what I want or to tell them what I don’t want or what I don’t find o.K.

Yesterday I tried to talk to the new person I met (boyfriend?) about contraception. Because it concerns me that he wanted to have unprotected sex. Last week he even said “I want to have a baby with you”. At first I just responded with “It’s too early for that. Maybe someday.” But then I thought more about it and found it weird that he said this after knowing me for less than a month. Was this just an invitation for unprotected sex??? I mean, which man likes to bring up children, especially if you just met someone new. Or maybe he just wanted to know my thoughts on having children later on… I don’t know.

What I told him yesterday was, that I don’t think it’s good that he wanted to have unprotected sex without even knowing me properly or talking about the topic. I also said that we don’t have that much money and also, what about STDs?

After talking to him, I felt like I had made a mistake. I think I didn’t find the right words, I also got too nervous and my voice got high pitched and child like. He apologized to me (which I hadn’t intended… the idea was more to have a conversation… not to make him feel bad) and said he accepts this. Then he hugged me and we just were lying next to each other for a while (clothed…). But I still felt nervous. Then he went to meet one of his friends.

Now I worry that I might have lectured him too much. Or that I made him feel bad, like he has STDs? Or something? I just don’t understand how someone can be so carefree about this topic. But I also didn’t want to patronize him… And it also didn’t really work. No real conversation happened. I’m really bad at this. Maybe I’m just not ready for a relationship?

Soon he will also go to another city to study and he will be only here for the weekends. I wonder what will happen then. He said we can still meet… I don’t know. Everything happened too fast.

Dear anita,

to some extent I agree with you, that as a pastor’s child it looks better if the child attends services. But the problem is, my parents did not sit down and explain this to me calmly. They didn’t accept my religious doubts and just wanted to pressure me to be religious again. I don’t feel like they tried to see my side. My mother to this day sends me religious books and calendars (it’s not really a problem – but still, it shows she doesn’t accept my decision).

So much time and energy of my childhood was spent fighting for my religious freedom… And the freedom to be who I am.

I also agree that it is okay for parents to watch over the movies their child watches. I was mentioning this more as one of the forms I used to resist my parents. But they also took it too far sometimes. For example, they wouldn’t let me watch Sailor Moon because they claimed it was tied to Munism? I just couldn’t take this seriously, even as a child. It was just too much…

And that they condemned other religions just made it worse for me. I don’t care what someone does or doesn’t believe in. You are not better or worse just because you believe or don’t believe in a religion. At the end of the day, we are all humans. I can’t stand the arrogance of wanting to convert others… Or belittling someones religion as mere superstition, while thinking your religion is the only right one…

Why do I have problems saying no to men? I don’t only have this problem with men. Also with colleagues or friends.

I think I could tell my parents my opinion, because I was very sure of it. But I was probably not exactly nice about it. I also wasn’t able to see their side at the time to be honest. Back then I was different, I guess? A teenager and sometimes arrogant. But I also stood up for myself more, even if it wasn’t always in the best way. I believed in myself more, I thought I was a “fighter”. Sometimes I feel less passionate now. But sometimes people still say about me that I have inner strength. And I think I do? I think if I truly believe in something, I will stand up for it. But I can also be very weak and I have lost faith in myself, because I haven’t accomplished that much.

But at least, in the last month or so I was feeling a little better. Hopefully therapy can help me more and that someday I can accept myself better.

Dear anita,

it is one of my biggest fear to hurt others. I feel that if I get hurt, I can handle it. But if I hurt someone else I feel really bad.

It hurts me, that he doesn’t even say that he doesn’t want to see me any more. Like I’m just some disgusting, worthless and crazy piece of sh**. I would like to send him a message, saying that I will respect him if he doesn’t want to see me any more, but that I would like to know what happened and if he is okay.

It’s possible that I didn’t even hurt him and that maybe he just wanted sex… What I found weird were his exaggerated compliments and that he said he loved me so quickly. Once he came to a date talking on his phone and keep talking for at least two more minutes. He also wanted to have unprotected sex (I refused). After we first had sex, he went on a weekend vacation with his cousins and then on Monday he said he had to work from about 8 in the morning until midnight (maybe that’s just a coincidence, but I don’t know).

When he last wrote me he said he was out with friends, so it seems that he doesn’t suffer that much, right?

I still worry a lot and try to find out if my behaviour towards him was in any way wrong. I didn’t say any mean things to him or hit him. But I wonder if I emotionally abused him in some way… I couldn’t enjoy sex itself that much, I went more along with what he wanted and maybe he noticed. Maybe I made him feel bad because about it. Maybe I should stop speculating.