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Maggie Black

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  • January 24, 2015 at 6:38 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #71853
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Sunflower,

    That is a good thought to gather through these challenges.
    That every moment brings changes and does have many paths and directions.
    I hope you will keep me informed about how things are going with you, too.
    I am going to venture out and say that in every moment good is working itself out.
    Had he not left his wife, I would know that is how it is supposed to be. It would have caused me hurt but then I know something good would come from it.
    Let me know if you ever want to talk!

    January 23, 2015 at 4:42 pm in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #71839
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    I just wanted to do a follow up post since people come to help us out… it is good to let them know how things turned out.
    A huge weight has lifted from me as he filed for divorce!
    It seems he is the type person who does more “action” than talk and wanted to have everything lined up before he filed and let me know.
    I finally feel like my life is moving in the direction I want it to.

    I think we hear so much about how a married man who is intensely unhappy will still stay with his wife that we forget that every rule does have exceptions.
    I knew in my heart that he would leave her and divorce her but I didn’t listen to my heart.
    Another lesson learned.

    January 23, 2015 at 4:37 pm in reply to: Need the Strength to Get Out and Move On #71838
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Yeah…. I would just stay there since you have no place to go.
    I am so sorry you are going through this.

    January 18, 2015 at 11:33 am in reply to: We are at an Impass… Feeling much sadness. #71534
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    I understand why you didn’t want to tell the “big issue” and I honestly had no idea it was anything like this and I am not going to focus on it because you are right… it is a part of things but not the end all. That can be worked out and dealt with.

    What I am not understanding is this:

    You say over and over (and that shows me how importance this is) that it would be just wrong for you two to part ways because you both want to be together.
    Yet he is taking things out on you and now he feels he cannot continue the relationship if I am hearing you correctly.
    If he is spiraling downward into a a bad place then he may be feeling like he cannot hold on to you in the way he knows he should.
    Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt you.
    I believe in prayer and in situations like this one, it is the only way to peace.

    I hope you two can stay together. It sounds like you have a lot of good as well as bad.

    January 18, 2015 at 4:14 am in reply to: Need the Strength to Get Out and Move On #71521
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    I just saw in another follow up post about your financial situation. Maybe you should call his bluff and just anchor down harder, letting him know that he made you a promise and this is breach of contract. (verbal).
    Talk to an attorney.
    Call his bluff and let him be the one to leave.
    If you are there and he doesn’t want you it will put a cramp in his style and he will eventually have to leave to get what he wants.
    You could live there until you figure out what to do financially.
    Move into another bedroom and don’t have sex with him so he gets the “full picture of what you are doing.
    Do not make any kind of payments.
    Let him completely support you and you save your money during this time.
    I know it is the opposite of what you want but sometime we have to stand up for ourselves and love ourselves enough to do the right thing by our self.

    He needs a lesson in humility. I hope you are the woman to give it to him!!

    January 18, 2015 at 4:07 am in reply to: Need the Strength to Get Out and Move On #71520
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    I had to put my 2 cents worth in.
    Even though others have said it too.

    You said he has a history of this behavior.
    We just have to start smacking ourselves on the head when we fail to remember that past behavior usually predicts future behavior.

    You know… think of the nerve it takes for a man to promise something like this, then gets you to move in, and then just changes everything he said.

    You are being asked to make all of the sacrifices. He has no bio. clock and he is getting the cake and the icing without so much as a commitment.

    I would pack my things so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him!!

    Leave him eating my dust wondering what the h— happened!

    I wish you well.

    January 18, 2015 at 4:01 am in reply to: when does the pain of separation disappear…im desperate #71519
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Oh my goodness…
    such pain
    I am sorry

    6 months isn’t so long to feel this much hurt and pain and rage.
    I think it is kind of normal. But it is hurting you so bad and that is the problem. I get it.

    You left your home for this man. Married him. 2 months later he is gone.
    Yes, you are full rage mode mad!
    Deserve to be as mad as hell.
    And you would take him back.

    Ok… now that is where I have to ask you why?

    What is it about this particular man that is so wonderful that you want him back after how he has treated you?
    Dear Lord in Heaven…..

    I want you to get some SELF LOVE.

    I know… I know…. you hurt and are angry and your life is ruined.

    But it’s not.

    Just know that in the depths of this pain and anger and rage at him that there is another beautiful life for you.
    It will rise from these sorry ashes.
    Just let that glimmer of true invade this sorrow for a second if you can.
    Because I am praying for you.
    And I know prayer changes things.

    Hold on tight.

    OK?

    Don’t let this anger and rage rot away at you. Just don’t. Keep kicking it out the door until it is gone for good.

    A day will come when you can let it go.

    Your heart will open and a better, loving, honest, good man will sweep you off of your feet and you will know why this one left.

    To make room for the true one.

    Just allow yourself to believe this for a second.
    K?

    January 18, 2015 at 3:41 am in reply to: What Should I Do? Ugh!!! #71518
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Begin doing things daily that are important to you whether they make any sense or not.
    Are you working out daily? If not, start.
    Are you doing creative projects with your free time?

    Begin to make yourself into who you want to be and someone you are proud of. Others will see your confidence and treat you accordingly.
    When others see a weakness in you, they will offer all of this unwanted advice that you are suffering though.

    So do not let yourself appear weak. Fake it till you make it if you have too.

    NO, this isn’t not being true to yourself because you are working towards your truth.

    The person you are now is getting the advice for a reason. Somehow people are getting vibes that you need advice!
    Don’t put those vibes out there.
    Be strong, confident, assured and look them in the eye when they say something and let them know you have it ‘under control”.

    You are only 24. Give yourself a break while you are at it. But do start conditioning yourself.
    Read something inspirational every day. Find what you truly love.

    I wish you well!!

    January 18, 2015 at 3:30 am in reply to: We are at an Impass… Feeling much sadness. #71517
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    OK Sunflower, now I see this is your new thread.
    For some reason the site isn’t working well for me and I didn’t see it. I only saw the response by ThankYou.

    Sunflower, what are some of OR the main issues that is BIG that he cannot bear?

    You wrote:
    I have to say that I was not at all wanting the distance between us. I feel it was because of BF, I will call him “M,” is going through some difficult things and doesn’t know how to handle himself and was confused thinking that our relationship was the source of his difficulties. The reality is his difficulties are causing him to be triggered by past trauma and he is misdirecting the stress at me. I have spent these months being patient and hoping that he could find a way to heal.

    It sounds like you are having to do all of the work. That is ok for a while.
    I told you this in the other place we talked about this, and I still feel that giving him some space will help give him room to see how he feels.
    You said he needs to feel love from you, and I understand that, but he also needs to feel how it feels to NOT have your emotional support so he can see if that is what he wants.
    Sometimes women make it too easy for men.
    I know he is hurting and so are you. Take care of yourself.

    January 18, 2015 at 3:23 am in reply to: We are at an Impass… Feeling much sadness. #71516
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    (This Post is to ThankYou.) The following explains why I didn’t see the original post.
    THe Tiny Buddha site has not been working right for me lately and I only saw THank you’s response. I just want to let the original poster know that I am not ignoring their question but I had responded to Thank you’s post in another place but it wasn’t shown so since I had remembered to copy it before I submitted I still had it. (thanks sunflower)

    WOW!
    I love your candor. This has got to hurt…
    SO many questions and all of them good. Good that you are thinking of them NOW.

    Let me ask you just one question:

    How would it feel to you right now, if your GF were to come to you and say that she is having second thoughts about your relationship and she needs some time alone to figure it out?

    Immediate feeling is probably your TRUE answer to all of these questions.

    We are not meant to SETTLE with a wonderful person no matter how great a “catch” they are. It’s not a great catch, if you aren’t mind- blowingly in love.

    You will always wonder what you missed out on if you don’t take time now to see.
    You might even feel smothered and feel contempt for her.

    Another thing I hear that I want you to look at is how you are taking responsibility for her feelings. It is good to want to make another person happy and do right by them. But for you to worry that you have taken up her time and used up her “good” biological clock days is not your problem and I will tell you why.
    She has chosen to BE with you these last 10 years.
    We make choices and then we have to live with them.
    And live with them we shall!

    SO if you aren’t 100% sure you want to spend your life with her, don’t marry yet.
    I wish you could show her this post and let her see how you feel and let her have some input in this.
    If a man felt this way about me, I wouldn’t want to marry him.
    It is hard for me to think she doesn’t know, though because women are so attuned to this in their men.
    If she knows and doesn’t care then something is wrong.

    I wish you well.

    January 18, 2015 at 3:11 am in reply to: At the same cross roads 10 year in the Making…Need to pick a path Advice? #71515
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    WOW!
    I love your candor. This has got to hurt…
    SO many questions and all of them good. Good that you are thinking of them NOW.

    Let me ask you just one question:

    How would it feel to you right now, if your GF were to come to you and say that she is having second thoughts about your relationship and she needs some time alone to figure it out?

    Immediate feeling is probably your TRUE answer to all of these questions.

    We are not meant to SETTLE with a wonderful person no matter how great a “catch” they are. It’s not a great catch, if you aren’t mind- blowingly in love.

    You will always wonder what you missed out on if you don’t take time now to see.
    You might even feel smothered and feel contempt for her.

    Another thing I hear that I want you to look at is how you are taking responsibility for her feelings. It is good to want to make another person happy and do right by them. But for you to worry that you have taken up her time and used up her “good” biological clock days is not your problem and I will tell you why.
    She has chosen to BE with you these last 10 years.
    We make choices and then we have to live with them.
    And live with them we shall!

    SO if you aren’t 100% sure you want to spend your life with her, don’t marry yet.
    I wish you could show her this post and let her see how you feel and let her have some input in this.
    If a man felt this way about me, I wouldn’t want to marry him.
    It is hard for me to think she doesn’t know, though because women as so attuned to this in their men.
    If she knows and doesn’t care then something is wrong.

    I wish you well.

    January 17, 2015 at 6:14 pm in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #71502
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Oh Sunflower..
    I just post this whole long post back to you and when I submitted it was lost.

    How are things going?

    Maybe tomorrow I will feel like retyping it.

    January 16, 2015 at 5:31 am in reply to: How to "Dial Back" in Relationship Intensity? #71433
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Oh, I can tell immediately from your post you are NOT in the least judgmental and are only offering me help while still trying to understand yours!!
    Your post makes me so sad for you because I hear in your voice all the joy I felt too, at the very beginning.
    Now, while nothing has changed OVERTLY in his actions TOWARDS me (still calls as much, we still have fun, he is very patient etc), I can somehow understand EVERYTHING you are saying because it all rings a bell.
    First off, you used the word, toxic for his relationship with her. And she is BP. Both of these things coincide with what my BF(boyfriend) have experienced. My boyfriend’s wife (that sounds so awful) is Histrionic personality.

    I feel so bad for what you are enduring. Having gone from all the joy to this is so hard. Especially when you feel he is projecting behaviors from his marriage onto you.
    You suggested that it was related to when you got married and how the responsibilities have caused him to revert to behaviors in his marriage.
    What I also heard you say that would bother me is that he is emotionally tied to his former wife.
    He is stilling doing things for her to avoid drama?

    Avoiding drama at all cost is something that will make you feel ‘in the dark’ with him because you feel you cannot get close to him on an emotional level.

    I would suggest that you offer him as much space as you can so that he feels as if you ‘backing away’ from him to a degree. In that way he can experience what it feels like not to have your loving support.
    It is not manipulative at all to create some anxiety in him, because his thinking is askew and needs to be reprogrammed. He is seeing you a whipping post instead of the love of his life and before this sours you toward him, action must be taken.
    Because he doesn’t know how to take the proper action, you have to be the one.
    So, back away from him and be emotionally cool.
    Not cold or detached. That would be counter productive.
    Give him some emotional space so he can experience what it feels like not to be surrounded by your love, goodness and support.
    This will cause him to “FEEL” emotions he needs to deal with.
    He will want to come back to you to ‘recreate’ those warm feelings.
    When he does, do not give them without first telling him that the warmth comes with the flow of love that you two once had,
    Let him see that the responsibility for the relationship lies with both of you. NOT JUST YOU!

    Most likely, he didn’t have time to grieve his marriage ending and even though it is toxic and terrible, we still need to grieve.
    Maybe gently suggest that to him when things get better and see if he is receptive to that.

    He may feel that he cannot give to you right now and that is making him display the passive aggressive behaviors to you.

    Don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a never ending cycle of bad treatment by him. It will kill your love and it will kill your self esteem too. It will hurt you.
    If you give him time and he doesn’t change and begin to talk to you and open up to you and get back to where you were in the joy stages of your relationship then it might be time to think about your life and what you need.
    Non stop supportiveness by one partner is called “CODEPENDENCE.”
    Make sure you aren’t codependent by googling it and reading up on it.
    I am codependent in my marriage and even though my husband had been separated from me for 5 months I still can fall into that role. I think it is my job to fix everything about him and our relationship.
    I was worn out and couldn’t do it any more. I had walked on eggshells for many many years.
    That is why when my boyfriend walked into my life I fell so hard for him. He gave me everything that I had not gotten from my husband.

    I hope you will find peace and the joy you found with your husband. You sound like such a wonderful person. Thank you for your post to my question.

    January 14, 2015 at 3:19 pm in reply to: Was it me? Will he regret losing me? #71362
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    Yue,
    I like the way you listed the points on he actual things she had changed in her life for him. I am thinking maybe codependency is in play here. It’s true… it is always her that is making the adjustments.

    January 14, 2015 at 4:48 am in reply to: Was it me? Will he regret losing me? #71294
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    He made me feel crazy.

    That in itself is enough to let this go.
    Who needs someone to MAKE us feel crazy?
    The abortion… oh my this had to hurt. He bore absolutely NO responsibility for something you now have to live with all of your life.
    He hasn’t shown anything near to love for you. He is an immature player to be sure.
    Living with mama and daddy… ugh.
    PLEASE RUN! Run as far away from him as possible emotionally and begin to get some healing for yourself beloved.

    You are carrying hurts from this relationship and your body and spirit and emotions need time to heal and repair from it.
    He as sucked life from you.
    We can forgive him because surely, “He knows NOT what he is doing”. And forgiveness is needed for you to move on and get free from the ties that this relationship has brought you.

    This relationship needs to be remembered on some level… so as not to ever fall into this again.

    Be strong in yourself.
    Love yourself.
    Hold your head high.
    Do some self care.
    Do not get into another relationship until you can heal.

    You need time to process this thing you have endured.
    Learn to recognize this behavior in men for the future so you won’t ever be drawn into this again.
    I wish you the best and pray for your healing and restoration.

    I just realized I didn’t answer your question.
    The fact you need to know the answer to this makes me realize you need the self care more than ever!

    WHO CARES if he realizes he messed up? But NO, he probably won’t because this isn’t about you.
    This is about him because all of it is about him.
    He is a player and will most likely be for some time.
    It is only about you in that you allowed him to treat you this way and that is why my entire post to you is trying to help you see this.
    I cannot answer your question about WHY he did this to you.
    I don’t think it has anything to do with you in your level of attractiveness.
    You may want to look into the possibility that you are putting yourself out there as someone who has low self worth and therefore, players like him will use you.
    I know this hurts to hear and maybe I am wrong.
    But from what I read from your post it sounds very likely.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Maggie Black.
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