What I understand about you is that you wanted/ desired so much when you were younger, but received nothing, or almost nothing, of what you desired. When a person desires for so long and gets nothing, a person gets tired of desiring, tired of hoping.

I just remembered that i always wanted an xbox when i was a kid. I used to pray a lot for it. I also imagined having it a lot at nights. I remember that i told my mother and she just bought my brother a pc. She told me ok but she never actually bought it. Even when we did have the money. I remember that my brother used to always get what he wants when i used to play on his pc whenever he wanted to play he would told me to move. He used to fight with me and beat me. My mother didn’t do a lot to stop him and my father didn’t care. He used to beat me in front of his friends sometimes one time i decided to stop talking to him. And its been 5 years. We talk sometimes but i don’t really care about him i want nothing to do with him. He has a lot of psychological problems. He is very selfish and there is no point of talking to him since i get sick when i do.

I remember when i was a teenager my uncle beat me and i was really scared. My father was in the house but he didnt even come and defend me. My father and mother were apart. I was crying in the bathroom alone hiding from my uncle and and then he comes again and was screaming i was really scared my other uncle was in the room but i still didn’t feel protected. it was really clear to me that i am alone in this world and no one gonna help me.

I grow up wanting the xbox more and more. I remember the last time when i wanted to buy the new one. In 2016. I told my mother and how unfair that my brother got his new ps4 and gave me his pc. She told me that since i failed school its fair. I end up falling another year. But when i passed but by that time there was already a new version she told me that its too much and i already got a pc and a phone. I never wanted it again.

I also remember wanting to marry to much. To talk to a female and love her and have sex with her. To have a wife. Then i knew that i have to work at least 10 years and i was gonna before knowing how hard it is finding a job in the first place. Especially for someone like me who doesn’t have anyone. I ended up working but couldn’t due to stress and despair thinking that i have to do that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry. It was very clear that a better move was just to not want to marry. Cause i knew that i wouldn’t do a good job as a father and as a husband. Especially when i don’t know anything about life.

what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?

Well it isn’t anything specific. But judge by my mother personality i can see why i struggled when i was a little. She is very hopeful and doesn’t use any logic. Traditional and doesn’t have much experience in life. My father in the other hand didn’t bothered much to raise us. He was just bad influence.

why don’t you deserve a better life?

Cause i have to earn such life. Not to have it given to me. i don’t deserve it because i didn’t do anything to deserve it. I actually think this is the best life i can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life. I always think that if i couldn’t maintain this lifestyle i would just suicide (don’t worry im not suicidal)

yeah i did. i remember waiting him 2 hours so he can finish class and then he told me some other time. its my fault really i should’ve knew the truth. i remember i decided to just fantasize talking to him cause its better and easier and gonna happen always. i think i can never have what i really want because what i really want is not real its a fantasy there is a good quote.

“If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting”

I always felt shame in my life for different kind of reasons. I don’t now (i guess a little about being unemployed). It was strong before tho. I guess im used to it. So i just want to feel shame with someone i love i want her to hurt me in someway so i can be helpless with her and need her more. I fantasize sometimes about being fucked by someone i love. Its not sexy but rather satisfying. Just to the humiliation that a woman fucks a guy comforts me. I guess because i always was in a battle to be a man and act like a man. Its like i can finally let my guard down. And just be who i am. I weak helpless guy. Who crave for love and nurture. Maybe i want to feel shame because i want to recreate it and have someone with me this time to comforts me. What do you think? I don’t know to be honest about a lot of stuff.

I wish you felt relaxed and good more often than you do

I do. Im very chill person actually. i just sound like i am in pain where actually i live very comfortably. I just like to talk about those stuff because i feel vulnerable. And its also my favourite thing to talk about. Besides philosophy. I have an ok life and im fine with it.

I feel bad because im wasting your time to be honest. I know im not gonna do anything about these stuff and im just taking your time and energy. I like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what i say. You also sound very wise and i like that.

You believe, if I understand correctly, that we people do not have free will, that what happens in our lives is determined only by our genes, the parents we happen to be born to, the environment, etc., and not at all by our choices.

i dont believe that. i think that. based on prove and evidence based on logic and Science. of course i might be wrong. but i just haven’t seen any prove that free will exist. of course i dont use the non existing of free will as an excuse. i was always a truth seeker i guess. but i feel like im boring you about that freewill thing. it wasnt my intention to talk about it in the first place i know its a sensitive subject.

You wrote that you like yourself, that you think that you are a good person, that you are okay with being weak, that you even  like being weak. What you dont like, and even hate, is that other people think of you as an inadequate man because you dont have a job, and women think of you as an inadequate man because you like (the idea of) being weak and acting weak in the company of a woman.

Am I understanding you correctly?

yes.

by the way i know nothing about you and i feel like i cant ask because you arent comfortable to share about yourself but thats alright

If only I could change the way you feel about yourself, you will not feel inferior to anyone!

I don’t know if i feel inferior to others because i don’t think there is freewill therefore we are all the same. If someone is better then me its just because he had better environment/parents/genes. But that just my opinion. But i might still feel inferior because people always look small of me.

what if you knew that no woman is superior to you..?!

Then i wouldn’t be able to fantasize. I want to think that there is a women who is stronger then me. Cause im weak and i don’t know anything about life tbh. Its just so attractive to me to see a strong independent woman. I guess i used the wrong wording (sorry not very good at English).

I guess its something has to do with my old relationship with god. Since im an atheist now and i heard that people who leave religion maintain this relationship they had with god. I feel like i have a small pieces. Maybe im overthinking. But i always wanted this kind of person who i would listen to. To be “good boy” to. Maybe its the effect of being the good kid in my childhood. Im sorry if im mixing btween topics

I can very much relate to your fantasy. Nothing sweeter, nothing more fantastic than a child (who is naturally weak), to be liked and protected, held and loved by someone strong.

I always felt so selfish for wanting this because what about the woman. What she gets ? And this is really hard to find especially in a place like the middle east. I can’t imagine having this in real life or anything near this.

there is nothing wrong with feeling empathy for yourself, someone should feel empathy for you, might as well that somebody be you.

I always thought that. That im the only who cares about me enough to feel sorry for so why is it so bad when people talk about it.

I feel empathy for you too.

Thank you. You are a very beautiful person

There is so many questions i have to ask you. i dont know where to start. tho i still cant cry but i was a little bit sad when i told you about my life. and thats a good thing.

can i ask where you used to live in the middle east?

but you can’t skip this whole suffering. You are currently living without your desire materialized and you are suffering.

but im suffering less. this was my point. to suffer less till the end. im not doing anything.maybe im suffering but i dont look at it this way. i see it as a fair deal (since im not living life i dont get anything that life offers).

im alone with no help whatsoever not even from myself. with no purpose to live. and i dont know anything about life really. i never had a father. even if i actually wanted to try. what woman will ever love a person like me?

But living a lifetime without a loving relationship, that’s .. a kind of a suffering that is quite severe.

i guess i will get used to it. from what i see i actually dont wanna be in a relationship. cause i will probably end up in bad one.

the way i see it im slave to this desire. i have no  choice but to fulfill it. or be miserable. if its up to me i would try to fulfill it. but its up to people. i cant make people love me. and the way i live and think isnt very loveable to people. i have to search and search. for something i didnt even asked for.

using no hope and having all these odds. its clear whats gonna happen