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Murtaza

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 49 total)
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  • in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359618
    Murtaza
    Participant

    What I understand about you is that you wanted/ desired so much when you were younger, but received nothing, or almost nothing, of what you desired. When a person desires for so long and gets nothing, a person gets tired of desiring, tired of hoping.

    I just remembered that i always wanted an xbox when i was a kid. I used to pray a lot for it. I also imagined having it a lot at nights. I remember that i told my mother and she just bought my brother a pc. She told me ok but she never actually bought it. Even when we did have the money. I remember that my brother used to always get what he wants when i used to play on his pc whenever he wanted to play he would told me to move. He used to fight with me and beat me. My mother didn’t do a lot to stop him and my father didn’t care. He used to beat me in front of his friends sometimes one time i decided to stop talking to him. And its been 5 years. We talk sometimes but i don’t really care about him i want nothing to do with him. He has a lot of psychological problems. He is very selfish and there is no point of talking to him since i get sick when i do.

     

    I remember when i was a teenager my uncle beat me and i was really scared. My father was in the house but he didnt even come and defend me. My father and mother were apart. I was crying in the bathroom alone hiding from my uncle and and then he comes again and was screaming i was really scared my other uncle was in the room but i still didn’t feel protected. it was really clear to me that i am alone in this world and no one gonna help me.

     

    I grow up wanting the xbox more and more. I remember the last time when i wanted to buy the new one. In 2016. I told my mother and how unfair that my brother got his new ps4 and gave me his pc. She told me that since i failed school its fair. I end up falling another year. But when i passed but by that time there was already a new version she told me that its too much and i already got a pc and a phone. I never wanted it again.

     

    I also remember wanting to marry to much. To talk to a female and love her and have sex with her. To have a wife. Then i knew that i have to work at least 10 years and i was gonna before knowing how hard it is finding a job in the first place. Especially for someone like me who doesn’t have anyone. I ended up working but couldn’t due to stress and despair thinking that i have to do that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry. It was very clear that a better move was just to not want to marry. Cause i knew that i wouldn’t do a good job as a father and as a husband. Especially when i don’t know anything about life.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359614
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you feeling much better than you are feeling much of the time, way better: peace of mind, contentment

    How can i have that? I do feel peace of mind mostly. I do things for myself sometimes and take care of myself.

     

    And you do deserve to generally feel better because you are a good person, you said it yourself, didn’t you, that you are a good person?

    I am a good person yes. I don’t know how that makes me deserve anything. I just don’t put effort into things because im too lazy.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359462
    Murtaza
    Participant

    what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?

    Well it isn’t anything specific. But judge by my mother personality i can see why i struggled when i was a little. She is very hopeful and doesn’t use any logic. Traditional and doesn’t have much experience in life. My father in the other hand didn’t bothered much to raise us. He was just bad influence.

     

    why don’t you deserve a better life?

    Cause i have to earn such life. Not to have it given to me. i don’t deserve it because i didn’t do anything to deserve it. I actually think this is the best life i can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life. I always think that if i couldn’t maintain this lifestyle i would just suicide (don’t worry im not suicidal)

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359459
    Murtaza
    Participant

    that whatever I fantasized happening, when it happened, did not feel as good as I imagined it to feel, not even close.

    I wish i can do that. I knew when i grew up fantasizing a lot its gonna be bad in the future. But i really don’t worry about the future. The president is whats important to me. Im so used to fantasize before sleeping that i can’t sleep when i don’t fantasize. Can’t i have both? Even when i know i probably won’t have what i want but i like the idea of that it can happen there is a possibility. Can’t i treat those two experiences as separate things? Because they are. When i fantasy its like watching a really good movie. Im not in it. But someone like me. And i always have low expectations in real life so i probably won’t get disappointed much if it ever happen.

     

    All in all, Reality is a better choice than Fantasy, generally speaking. Exceptions exist, of course. Living awake in reality overall feels better than Fantasy.

    Whats so good about reality? I don’t know to be honest but i feel good when fantasizing way more then i do in reality. Isn’t that the point? I feel that the only bad thing about fantasy is that it makes you have expectation. The experience is ultimately better.

     

    I wish he was happy that you waited for him and told you: this is the time, I want to talk with you about

    Then i will learn this lesson from someone else. I was raised with false hope and damaged logic and i had to learn. Maybe i went too extreme with my logic but oh well

     

    If it was up to me, your life would be much better

    What would you do? And why do i get to have a better life without deserving it?

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359360
    Murtaza
    Participant

    yeah i did. i remember waiting him 2 hours so he can finish class and then he told me some other time. its my fault really i should’ve knew the truth. i remember i decided to just fantasize talking to him cause its better and easier and gonna happen always. i think i can never have what i really want because what i really want is not real its a fantasy there is a good quote.

     

    If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting”

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359339
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Please do what it takes to get away from and protect yourself from people who hurt you, and please, do all that you can to be a good person, good to yourself and good to other people.

    i try to. thank you

     

    Please move away from the attitude of hating all people and selectively, turn toward love and away from hate.

    i dont hate them i just want nothing to do with them,

     

    i guess i will talk to you when i have something wroth your time, i remember there was a teacher when i was 17 i really liked to talk to. i used to ask him about god and religion i liked talking to him so i kept going on his class everyday to talk to him even when i didnt had anything to ask him for. i just wanted to be friends with him. im glad tho i didnt became friends with him. it turns out just fine. being lonely i found out a lot of things about myself\the world.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359127
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I always felt shame in my life for different kind of reasons. I don’t now (i guess a little about being unemployed). It was strong before tho. I guess im used to it. So i just want to feel shame with someone i love i want her to hurt me in someway so i can be helpless with her and need her more. I fantasize sometimes about being fucked by someone i love. Its not sexy but rather satisfying. Just to the humiliation that a woman fucks a guy comforts me. I guess because i always was in a battle to be a man and act like a man. Its like i can finally let my guard down. And just be who i am. I weak helpless guy. Who crave for love and nurture. Maybe i want to feel shame because i want to recreate it and have someone with me this time to comforts me. What do you think? I don’t know to be honest about a lot of stuff.

     

    I wish you felt relaxed and good more often than you do

    I do. Im very chill person actually. i just sound like i am in pain where actually i live very comfortably. I just like to talk about those stuff because i feel vulnerable. And its also my favourite thing to talk about. Besides philosophy. I have an ok life and im fine with it.

     

    I feel bad because im wasting your time to be honest. I know im not gonna do anything about these stuff and im just taking your time and energy. I like talking to you cause you really pay attention to what i say. You also sound very wise and i like that.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359079
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Isn’t this proof that indeed we have free will?

    well no. thats the illusion of free will. but thats my opinion really.

     

    and you can ask me questions about myself

    i dont know what are you comfortable sharing

     

    I want to ask you about something. why do you think i like to act weak and pathetic around a woman ? . i asked myself that and the only answer was because its lovely

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359077
    Murtaza
    Participant

    You believe, if I understand correctly, that we people do not have free will, that what happens in our lives is determined only by our genes, the parents we happen to be born to, the environment, etc., and not at all by our choices.

    i dont believe that. i think that. based on prove and evidence based on logic and Science. of course i might be wrong. but i just haven’t seen any prove that free will exist. of course i dont use the non existing of free will as an excuse. i was always a truth seeker i guess. but i feel like im boring you about that freewill thing. it wasnt my intention to talk about it in the first place i know its a sensitive subject.

     

    You wrote that you like yourself, that you think that you are a good person, that you are okay with being weak, that you even  like being weak. What you dont like, and even hate, is that other people think of you as an inadequate man because you dont have a job, and women think of you as an inadequate man because you like (the idea of) being weak and acting weak in the company of a woman.

    Am I understanding you correctly?

    yes.

    by the way i know nothing about you and i feel like i cant ask because you arent comfortable to share about yourself but thats alright

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359061
    Murtaza
    Participant

    “I don’t think there is freewill therefore we are all the same”- I don’t understand this sentence.

    because i dont think there is freewill and we are determined by the cards we have such as (parents\environment\genes etc). so no one is better then the other, we are all the same. we just had different cards, i was just unlucky to have such life, its not either my fault or my parents or anyone really.

     

     and not as a person being worth less than another

    i understand. i always get treated like that. because i have this lifestyle (not having a job). people treat me as less. this is one of the reasons i don’t like people. i just don’t want anything to do with people anymore.

     

    you mean that it is very difficult to find a strong and independent woman in the middle east, that all young women where you live are weak and dependent?

    not all but most of them. at least from what i saw. but i didn’t mean they are weak and dependent, they just have the basic idea of  relationships. the one where the “man” have to be a man. the one that society tells them about. and to be honest i just hate it. i hate society and everyone that follows it. perhaps hate is a big word. but i just want nothing to do with this society and its people. i just hate the fact that most females doesn’t like me. in fact i feel they would feel Disgust when they know me. and  i dislike when i see a weak females not because she is weak but because i know i cant fulfill her needs. just telling a female that i don’t have a job she would respect me less. in fact she wouldn’t respect me at all.

     

    this is not just insecurity. i like myself i think that im good person. im weak and its fine. i actually like being weak for some reason. this is just the truth. at least from what i see. i always try to be truthful to myself. even when i do hate myself sometimes i still know the truth. that i am an all right person understanding and nice. if there was the right person i think we might get along fine.

     

    There is  nothing wrong, Murtaza, for a boy or a man to feel weak. Boys and men are not different from women: they feel fear just the same, they feel weak just the same

    i know that. its just frustrating to know that i cant be who i am. the part of me that only lives in the fantasy.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #359000
    Murtaza
    Participant

    If only I could change the way you feel about yourself, you will not feel inferior to anyone!

    I don’t know if i feel inferior to others because i don’t think there is freewill therefore we are all the same. If someone is better then me its just because he had better environment/parents/genes. But that just my opinion. But i might still feel inferior because people always look small of me.

     

    what if you knew that no woman is superior to you..?!

    Then i wouldn’t be able to fantasize. I want to think that there is a women who is stronger then me. Cause im weak and i don’t know anything about life tbh. Its just so attractive to me to see a strong independent woman. I guess i used the wrong wording (sorry not very good at English).

     

    I guess its something has to do with my old relationship with god. Since im an atheist now and i heard that people who leave religion maintain this relationship they had with god. I feel like i have a small pieces. Maybe im overthinking. But i always wanted this kind of person who i would listen to. To be “good boy” to. Maybe its the effect of being the good kid in my childhood. Im sorry if im mixing btween topics

     

    I can very much relate to your fantasy. Nothing sweeter, nothing more fantastic than a child (who is naturally weak), to be liked and protected, held and loved by someone strong.

    I always felt so selfish for wanting this because what about the woman. What she gets ? And this is really hard to find especially in a place like the middle east. I can’t imagine having this in real life or anything near this.

     

    there is nothing wrong with feeling empathy for yourself, someone should feel empathy for you, might as well that somebody be you.

    I always thought that. That im the only who cares about me enough to feel sorry for so why is it so bad when people talk about it.

     

    I feel empathy for you too.

    Thank you. You are a very beautiful person

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #358993
    Murtaza
    Participant

    ok i understand. i want to ask you about my fantasy.

    in the fantasy its never me its someone looks like me because if i be in it i cant fantasize about it. the woman is always older and bigger then me (not physically) more like superior to me. and im just pathetic and weak in her hands.

     

    i was fantasizing about it the other day and i just realized this sound like a mother and a child relationship. its bothers me to think that but i feel im re creating something from the past when i was a child. something i needed and didnt have. although my mother was very loving. or maybe there is other reasons

    what makes me think\feel this way is. i feel like (in the fantasy) i need her just as the child needs his mother. to nurture me and give me her love and affection and to cuddle me. in the fantasy i am never in a relationship with that person im just someone who she cares for and like. i actually never fantasize being in a relationship. i just fantasize about this. and i feel very vulnerable and weak and i really like that.

    perhaps im wrong and i just like to feel weak and pathetic in front of someone i love because i like them when they feel sorry for me (at least in the fantasy) cause (in the fantasy) they give me more love and attention. and i also like to feel sorry for myself.

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #358978
    Murtaza
    Participant

    There is so many questions i have to ask you. i dont know where to start. tho i still cant cry but i was a little bit sad when i told you about my life. and thats a good thing.

    can i ask where you used to live in the middle east?

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #358887
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you are suffering now less than you suffered before in life.. or less than a life you didn’t yet have (going into the world and looking for a love relationship with a woman)?

    yes less than i suffered before in life. but anything else than this lifestyle is suffering more.

    I appreciate that you taking your time and energy to talk to me and try to help me it means a lot to me just to know such person exist. i wish i know a person like you in real life just someone who understand me and listen to me someone i could trust and be safe with. i wish i could hug such person and cry. it doesnt have to be relationship

    in reply to: i cant cry anymore #358876
    Murtaza
    Participant

    but you can’t skip this whole suffering. You are currently living without your desire materialized and you are suffering.

    but im suffering less. this was my point. to suffer less till the end. im not doing anything.maybe im suffering but i dont look at it this way. i see it as a fair deal (since im not living life i dont get anything that life offers).

    im alone with no help whatsoever not even from myself. with no purpose to live. and i dont know anything about life really. i never had a father. even if i actually wanted to try. what woman will ever love a person like me?

     

    But living a lifetime without a loving relationship, that’s .. a kind of a suffering that is quite severe.

    i guess i will get used to it. from what i see i actually dont wanna be in a relationship. cause i will probably end up in bad one.

     

    the way i see it im slave to this desire. i have no  choice but to fulfill it. or be miserable. if its up to me i would try to fulfill it. but its up to people. i cant make people love me. and the way i live and think isnt very loveable to people. i have to search and search. for something i didnt even asked for.

     

    using no hope and having all these odds. its clear whats gonna happen

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 49 total)