Things have still been going good. Amazing in fact 🙂 sure we still have stuff come up occasionally but we’ve been dealing with it quite well.  We still have been implementing independence and working  on our spiritual selves. I hope every one had a amazing Christmas! Thank for the support!

Dear Anita.

Hello things have gotten rough since I last talked with you.

I’ll be honest even though he has said he still loves me and cares about me he still has been very negative and has not been kind to me at times. He’s asked me for space here and there, and I have been able to give space. I haven’t seen him for more than a week now and at the beginning of the week, we did not speak for 4 days.  Before that, I had not talked/seen to him for a few weekends here and there and also days sporadically I’ve kept my distance. But every time I’ve tried to give space in the past I eventually end up freaking out, like I really want to give him what he’s asking for, and I can to an extent but then I end up reaching to him again.

I sent him a text yesterday morning explaining how I felt like he was being cold to me and not treating me in the way I deserve to be treated. Like he tells me he loves me and may want to be with me again, but then the way he acts at times doesn’t make me feel like he loves me at all. It makes my heart feel very conflicted.

Anyway he knows how bad I’ve been feeling and I’ve described to him how my pain feels, how excruciating it is and how often I have been crying, and I asked him if he could just be my bestfriend again because I felt as if he were leaving me in the dirt. I sent him this at 4 am and he did not respond to me until 12 pm saying he would respond to me later…. mind you this is not how he normally behaves, usually he responds to me as quickly as he can (even if he is busy).

He visiting a city at the time and was busy but I could tell he was choosing to put off replying to me. Later in the day he still had not responded, 2 hours after he said he would and I talked with my mom about the way he’s been treating me. (something else he has been doing is when we get back together we have a ton of sex and then he dumps me again a few days later, it was starting to make me feel like he was taking advantage of me.)

Anyway, I decided with my Mom that the way he has been treating me is unacceptable and that I don’t want to put any more energy towards him if he’s not going to treat me in the way I deserve. I texted him again to just forget replying to me and that I didn’t want to associate with him anymore because it feels as if he has no desire to love me (like he says he does) and that I deserve better than the way he had been treating me.  I felt good about this decision and like this may be the only way to heal things at this point.

After that message that I sent, he sent me a ton of angry harsh texts. Something he said was that he thinks I just need to learn to deal with all my pain on my own and that I can’t rely on him right now because we need to be “independent”. Which I agree it is important for us to learn how to be independent but I do not feel like forcing independence on me while I am suffering more than I ever have in my life is a appropriate or kind thing to do. Something he’s been focusing on recently is that our relationship was “codependent” and that we need to be split apart to learn how to be independent.

Honestly, our relationship was not that codependent before all this, it had some parts that could be worked on but we weren’t really aware of it or focusing on it because mostly we were happy before all this. I’ve tried telling him in the last few months that we can work on being independent while in a relationship, but he doesn’t listen to me and has been constantly rebelling against everything I say in some fool attempt to be “independent”

But back to the texts… after all the angry texts he sent, and he said a lot of other stuff besides that I should deal with pain on my own… he also said stuff like he owes me nothing, and bringing up my mistake for the 100th time, and things of that nature (even though he’s been giving me the idea that he may want to be with me again)

After all the angry texts I sent him this simple text. ” You know what? I made a mistake, I owned up to it and did everything to make up for it. Your the one stuck in the past and your the one that has destroyed this relationship. You follow hate and fear and I want nothing to do with that. Have fun being codependent with your family” ( the family comment is in reference to the fact that his family has been very negative about the whole situation and he’s been listening to a lot of the negative things they have been saying, and not really thinking for himself as much as he should).

After I said that he replied a bunch more times, at first blaming me for choosing another guy again, and then it started to seem like he was feeling some remorse about the way he treated me. He said something like ” this is my first relationship so I dont have much of a reference but I assume the way I feel right now means the relationship isn’t healthy”  ( He’s 26 btw. I feel like this statement is very negative like you haven’t even tried to fix this relationship for 4 months! I’ve been the only one trying so of course, it doesn’t feel healthy…. but he seems ignorant to that…)

I have not replied to any of the texts after what I showed you above and do not plan on it…

I feel very heartbroken still but I feel like this is the best way to take care of myself and help the situation. I feel very angry at his behavior and there is more than what I shared with you. I feel like I am starting to have some self-respect again, but I still feel scared for the future…

What do you think about all that and his behavior?

Dear Anita.

You are right that guilt does drive my suicidal feelings. I also don’t feel as if I belong with anyone else. I feel he is it for me. I also am in so much pain all the time, pain from fear of facing a life without him, pain from the guilt of what I did and just pain because I miss him all the time.

Every single moment I am in pain and crying more than 15 times a day sometimes. I’ve tried so many things, talking with friends and my parents, being active, cleaning, using drugs and alcohol and nothing works. I’ve stopped trying to use things to numb myself because it just makes me feel worse about myself.

Our relationship has been mostly amazing. We’ve done so many amazing things together and we are best friends… We still are best friends. He tells me he still loves me but he just isn’t sure what he wants… that he feels confused.. He is willing to be my friend and has still been there for me at times, tho right now he says he needs space for a bit.

I would appreciate any insight you have on how I could interact with him better…

I have tried to forgive myself and I understand how I ended up doing what I did.. but it’s still difficult.

Dear Anita. My depression has been lifelong but I received a lot of therapy and help after my suicide attempt. I was in a long term facility for 8 months and got out when I was 16. After that I began doing lots of healthy things that helped my depression like biking and hiking and eating healthy. I traveled a lot as well and became spiritual and found a new joy to life. I still struggled from time to time but felt a lot better than I had previously.  My depression was mostly stable throughout this 4 year relationship as well, withperiods of ups and downs. Now I feel like all hope is lost and nothing seems to make me feel better…