I think that would be nice if I am every lucky enough. I haven’t posted here because I have been enjoying him. We decided to spend every evening together this week since he is leaving on Monday.

I feel slightly better knowing that we both have decided that we will meet again in a few months. He has decided to not make me travel so far and will come to my side of the world. Still, I have no idea what will happen and am sad but there is nothing that I can do. He wants to find a job here. That is his goal but it will take time. Lucky he has a very specific background and is very smart. He is just finishing his MBA in a global top school so I guess I’ll just have to embrace the unknown and keep going.

I don’t feel as bad as when I first wrote this post. I think the panic that I had last week also helped me accept it somehow.

I am not angry with him. I don’t know where his mind is which is why we will talk about it next time we are together. All I know is that we are taking things as they come and he wants to stay in touch when he leaves.

I am just sad because I don’t want him to go and a little angry at myself for entering a relationship that I knew would be short because then I have to be sad. As I said, I think that I prefer the unknown.

I like him a lot and wish he was not leaving.

Yes, I understand.

I have been holding this in. I told him my fears and I think we are going to talk about what we are going to do. We are both not closed. We both accept that we don’t know the future which comes with infinite possibilities so we are just going to go with it and see where life takes us.  I told him that I want to go to his side of the world in November and he was happy. Writing here gave me the courage to tell him how I was feeling. While I’m happy that I know I will see him again if even only briefly I’m still feeling anxious about losing him in the capacity that I have him now.

It just feels unfair.

I will accept the pain and sit through it. This is so many times this year. It never feels easier.

Thanks @anita I am not religious either but that is somehow helpful. I will try to remain calm. This will finally pass one day.

Maybe guilt was the wrong word. Fear. Fear that I will get caught and he will hurt me more. I’m not doing anything else.

@anita I think the guilt is because I know what I did could have been Ana I fly stupid for me. I’m the only one that will suffer because of what I did. Maybe it is guilt and fear. I am overwhelmed  with thoughts that I will be caught and this bully will become worse.  I would like to think that everyone other than the bully would be thankful for what I did.

@brandy no my attorney is not aware I will not tell him as if I do then it will be bad. I am magnifying it in my mind so maybe it is more than it is. Law questioned me over a year ago so way before.

What I do was to prevent innocent people from being harmed. 100%  with good intention. But it has taken over my thoughts that I will somehow be caught. This person is bad so being caught is scary.