Spiritwalker,

Wow, I didn’t realize your relationship was that bad with your sister. In that case Anita’s right, supporting her isn’t the way to go (but I still stand by my suggestion of you getting involved with firefighters – whether it’s through volunteering or charities until you can become one yourself – that way you are still inching toward your ultimate goal). If your sister keeps hounding you for your help and you don’t want to do it, say so. Bear in mind she’ll probably see your refusal as petty (“you’re just jealous because I’m doing this and you aren’t!”), but that’s her deal. You have to devote your energy on yourself and your daughter right now…and as you said, she didn’t extend you the same support.

If you think about it your sister hasn’t stolen anything away from you – you will still become a firefighter. She has copied your life plan probably because she is too immature to figure out a career for herself. If we want to think the worst of her, maybe it’s her way of getting her digs in at you (siblings are experts at getting under our skin), but if we want to put a positive spin on things, maybe she’s doing this because on some deep level she actually admires/idolizes you. I don’t know – the real important thing is (and repeat after me) *her actions and motivations don’t matter*. When I was little, I saw some kids in my class cheating on a test. I was so outraged (I was a big nerd and studied really hard for the exam), I complained about it to my parents when I got home. After they patiently listened to my rant, they wisely said, “does their behavior impact your score?” No, I repled. “Do you want to tell the teacher,” they asked. “No, I can’t prove it,” I replied. “Well then, you need to let it go. Those people are almost always exposed for the frauds they are later. Focus on you,” they said. Sure enough, the teacher caught on and they were punished. However, I had needlessly spent a lot of unnecessary energy on these clowns.

I know it’s easier said then done, but do what you can to let your sister and her behavior go. You can’t change her, she has to change her. Even if you bring up all these wonderful, reasoned points to her, if she isn’t in the space to hear it, your words will fall on deaf ears. Let her go.

Ah, my mistake. Well, is there something else you could take with you? Or is it part of what you’re trying to escape? You just called out spending a lot of time in this habitat so I assumed it was a source of comfort for you, but maybe its only virtue is it’s not your house!

Unpacking your past can take awhile…but once you do you feel so much lighter, which will definitely help you move on.

Hi Hippyman,

Yes, I have been in places where I had the sense of the walls closing in around me, and it was indeed because I felt stuck in other areas of my life, not because there was anything inherently “wrong” with where I lived. What got me out of that place (both physically and mentally), was first recognizing where I was stuck. For me, it was my job (I hated where I worked), my finances (I was deeply in debt at the time), and my social circle (the people who I surrounded myself with were not very compatible or supportive). At the time this was very overwhelming, and more than I could bear, but with the assistance of my family and others, I started taking small steps everyday to break out of where I was. (As the old saying goes, “how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”) I got rejected a lot by prospective employers, potential friends, and missed out on several opportunities…but I was persistent and eventually I saved enough money to move, got a new gig, and met some wonderful new souls who I have in my life to this day.

So take on what you can in the meantime but work toward the ultimate goal of moving on. Sounds like gardening has brought you a lot of comfort, but is also bolstering the message in your mind of “well, guess I’m stuck here.” Maybe do this, keep tending to the backyard, but start putting plants in pots that can come with you when you get your new home. Buy some outdoor furniture that could be used for entertaining when you invite your new friends over (nevermind the fact you haven’t met them yet). See what that does? By making these tiny changes to your space, you are setting into motion bigger changes and demonstrating to yourself that you are capable of moving forward, even if you can’t make the leap of moving…yet. I don’t know what your feeling are about things like feng shui or space clearing (I’m not 100% sold on it), but there’s a lot of truth to the overall concept our space is a reflection of ourselves.

I hope that helps! Best of luck to you. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional therapist if possible. Often when we’re stuck there are deeply rooted fears and reasons we are unable to break free. They may be able to assist you in identifying those issues so you can work through them.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.

Hi Spiritwalker,

First off, let me put to rest the whole “first responders can’t be good parents” myth. My mother was a nurse, and while statistically she wasn’t in as much peril day in and day out as say a police officer or a firefighter, there were times when some nutjob would come into the hospital and get violent. Plus when she rose to the level of head nurse she was often on call and working late nights. Did I ever feel abandoned or unloved? No! When she was with me she was completely engaged and made sure to reassure me that she thought of me all the time when she was at work. If she couldn’t make a performance of a play I was in, she’d call during her break to wish me luck, and then watch the videotape of it with me later. Plus, just because you choose a “safe” career it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be 100% there for your child. An accountant can drop dead of a heart attack for example. A teacher may get so burned out by the kids they have to deal with during the day that they have no energy left in the tank for their own daughter/son. So I’m of the mind that you do what is best for you – it will not only feed your soul but also set a great example for your little one.

Now, with regard to your sister. I bet if we were to inject her with truth serum she’d say the real reason she was so against you becoming a firefighter wasn’t out of concern for your well being, but because she was jealous or felt threatened on some level. She probably yearned to do something that served the community and was heroic herself, but at the time was too scared to just not ready to take such a leap. It’s a common coping mechanism to knock someone else down to our level when we feel bad. That being said, this is just my guess…you will never know for sure the reasons behind her actions (heck, she might not be able to articulate them herself!), but whatever her feeling were she should’ve been more supportive or at the very least kept her feelings to herself.

So if you are still firm in your decision to not be a firefighter as well, the only way to cope with your jealousy (and this may seem counter-intuitive), is to actually be supportive of your sister! Let me explain…my sister for years said she never wanted to be a mother, and I always wanted to be. (I’m sure you see where this is going…) Guess who’s married and has a beautiful baby boy? Yup, my sister. Guess who’s single and childless? Yup – me. Like you I was envious, angry at the universe/fate for its cruel sense of humor, but when I saw my nephew and how happy my sister was that all evaporated. I took the energy I would’ve used to stay in a place of self pity and jealousy, and channeled it into being an awesome aunt. Firefighters usually have fundraisers throughout the year, go volunteer at one of those functions, or offer to help out at your sister’s station. If it’s too tough to be around your sister, work with a separate firefighter charity (Dennis Leary’s organization comes to mind).

You may never be OK with how your sister didn’t support you…and that’s OK. Just try to repeat the mantra of, “that’s her deal” and move on. Focus on you.

Again, I hope you reconsider your decision about not following your dream. Firefighting is a physically demanding job, so it’s easier to get into it earlier rather than later. However, I respect your plan, and know there’s other avenues (like what I mentioned above) to be involved.

Much luck and many blessings to you!

Hi Katie,

First thing, since you mentioned the “K” word – karma – I’m going to clear up something…it’s not punishment, which is one of the big misconceptions of the concept, especially in the West. Karma (or in the Pali language, kamma) is roughly translated as action. Now, while the idea can be found in Hinduism, Taoism, and many other Eastern belief systems, I’m going to speak to the Buddhist take on it since that’s my background…karma is actually more cause and effect. You plant lemon seeds, a lemon tree grows. You do a harmful action, you suffer, not because there’s some cosmic force cursing you as payback, but because that’s the natural result of what you did. Another way to think about it is this, if it’s freezing outside, and you don’t wear a coat and you get frostbite – would you consider that some divine punishment? Probably not. You’d say, “huh, that wasn’t the right thing to do. Well, I’ve learned, and next time I’ll bundle up.”

So, coming back to you and the alphabet men…you made out with this R fellow while you were with J, and you broke things off because of it. Things didn’t work out with R, and now you’re in pain because you have feelings that you “lack of any sense of loyalty to anyone” and may have ruined things with a man that you consider to be your soulmate. You’re not alone and depressed because of karma, you are alone and depressed because you are (even if it’s not by your own choosing), reflecting on what happened and processing the feelings. When you’re done doing this important work, and learned your lessons from it, these negative feelings will go away.

We all make missteps and are flawed. Forgive yourself. Strive to do better next time. That’s what I really want to leave you with.

Many blessings your way!

Big history nerd here, so my perspective is definitely colored by all the books I’ve devoured over the years. I don’t think what we’re going through this day in age is very unique – people have always been incredibly violent and the press/ruling elites have always used it to their advantage. The thing that has changed with the advent of technology and the 24 hour news cycle is we’re just more bombarded with current events than we used to be. Expose any person to that much negativity over an extended period of time, and it warps one’s perception of reality. Combine this with the erosion of many of the “glues” that have traditionally held society together (manners, communities, etc.) it puts a greater strain on all of us.

I think there’s a lot of positive work being done in the world, but we don’t hear about it since it doesn’t draw the internet clicks or television viewers.

Only thing that keeps me sane is to go on news detoxes periodically and remind myself that the human race has endured through equally if not more troubling times.

Hey @denisenas!

First off, I’m so sorry you are in pain. Breakups are never fun and I hope you are doing some wonderful self-care to help you heal.

I’ll begin with the first question you ask, because I think it’s an important one, “was it really necessary to break up and tell me that it was a mistake?” Painful as it may be for you to hear, the answer may very well be yes. I can’t see into this boy’s soul, but he was clearly dealing with the grief and aftermath of a death in the family and sometimes those situations provide us with clarity we otherwise wouldn’t have about life. Now, one can also make the equally valid counterargument that those are the *worst* times to make any major decisions. It’s a shame he didn’t give himself a “cooling off period” so he could reevaluate your relationship with a more level head. Either way, it is unfortunate he didn’t have the maturity/emotional intelligence/presence of mind to end things more delicately. If I were a betting woman, I’d wager he’s going to regret parts (if not all) of that last conversation someday.

Now I haven’t met you, but I feel pretty confident in saying you are not cursed. You have just had the misfortune of having several unsuccessful relationships. That doesn’t mean you won’t eventually enter into a loving, successful, life long one – if that’s what you want. Most people go through a handful of relationships before they find someone who’s a good fit. And just because your parents split it doesn’t mean you’re condemned to the same fate. We each carve out our own destinies in life. One thing I do know for sure though, if you walk out your door everyday believing the worst about yourself and any prospective suitor, you’re definitely stacking the odds in favor of your failing.

Anita is wise in her counsel to you. You have more agency then you realize. If you want to take a time out on dating to focus on your studies, you have that power. If you (after having healed from this breakup) want take steps to meet someone new – you can do that too! And when you’re with a quality person and have a loving, respectful relationship – and feel secure in yourself – you can devote yourself to school *and* be with this person. It isn’t a binary, either-or proposition when you have a solid foundation to build your life upon. It’s when you’re with someone that isn’t right for you or you are un-centered when everything comes crashing down.

Finally, you ask, “how do we actually learn?” Well, just as a person learns not to touch a hot stove – they reach out, get burned, until they realize if they keep repeating the same behaviors that they’ll have the same results. Relationships are not all that different. You’ll need to sit down and do some soul searching – be fearless about it – but also with great self-compassion. Employ a therapist or trusted friend if need be. Ask yourself things like, “what are some common traits these men share that I’ll want to avoid in the future?” or “what does my ideal relationship look like?” etc. Introspection and then practicing the behaviors you wish to exhibit are how you change.

Again, be kind to yourself. These are not easy issues. I wish you the best – know that you are worthy of love and capable of attracting it in your life.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva. Reason: Grammar fixes!

@allison219, no problem! I’ve found the advice of the people on these forums to be such a blessing. I’m grateful folks here dispense their opinions and insight in both an honest and compassionate manner. We’re all dealing with issues on life’s journey, and I personally believe one of the things that helps both yourself and others is to reach out to another human being…even if it’s something simple. So thank *you* for allowing me the opportunity to pay it forward! 🙂

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Miniature Bodhisattva.