Based on your two posts, I think it might be time to get out of there. Seems you have a good heart. Take care of it.

Hope you find the best way for you.

Next time you try to talk to him, tell him it’s your last try. Tell him what you told us: that he’s not communicating with you anymore, that you feel disrespected, that you wonder why he’s gone from wanting children with you to living in his own little world.

Tell him: no, things are not great. If you don’t fix this, you’ll need to find your own place to live.

See if he’s willing to put the work in. If not, there’s your answer. But he might surprise you.

Solve the mystery? I don’t see any mystery here. A young man refused to take responsibility for anything in his life and blames all of his problems on others. He may be (on his way to becoming) depressed. That’s a perfectly natural outcome, no mystery here.

I also don’t think any childhood trauma is needed for this kind of attitude. It’s just a poor attitude that renders you helpless in the long run, but in the short run it has its rewards. If you blame someone else, you can feel angry and self-righteous: energising, uplifting feelings. It means you don’t have to look at your own faults, which is unpleasant, or consider how you can help the situation, which is difficult. We all choose this path sometimes. But those who choose it over and over cut a groove into their minds until it is the only way they know how to think and react. Suffering results. Not everything is about childhood traumas. Sometimes it’s just bad mental habits, growing worse over time.

“What great advice – to forgive this type of person. Truly this is all your girlfriend can do b/c he’ll never change.” I understand that’s your experience Nikita, but you don’t know that. You’ve shared the story of a man who had this problem and didn’t change, but that doesn’t mean some other person with the same problem can’t. People are different.

I think you and your girlfriend should encourage him to seek therapy, specifically Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Talk to your parents as well, see if they are on board (maybe they can pay for it? I dont know). Even if his depression is bearable now, it could be very useful to learn some techniques to change his way of thinking. And here is my own cautionary tale.

About a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of some 10 years. All the time we’d been together, he wavered in and out of depression, sometimes it was worse and sometimes it was ok. I encouraged him to seek help with it, especially when it was bad, and even tried to get him into self-help but he wouldn’t even read the books. Since our break-up he has spiralled down and now he is seriously depressed, doesn’t enjoy anything in life and is seriously considering ending it. He has, at long last, agreed to get some therapy, but I’m worried it will be too little, too late. I wish I would have pressured him to have therapy earlier on, when we were still together.

Best to you, to her, and to him.

Well, seeing as you are completely free of judginess and any tendencies to criticise unimportant things, I can see why you’d like to avoid that in any potential partner.

Ba-dum tish. ¬.¬

But OK, this is Tiny Buddha, so hang on a second while I put my –.~*kind*~.– face on and see if I can be of any assistance, as a decidedly “sexually liberated” (scarequotes yours) and loose lady, who at least shares your aversion of game playing.

Chastity girl has given you a very clear signal about what she wants in a relationship, and what she doesn’t want. She does not want to have sex without a wedding ring. It is something she feels so strongly about that she’s advertising it to literally everyone she meets. It’s pretty clear that this style of chastity is not something you would like in your relationships. You consider her boundaries (which she has set clearly and explicitly) “arbitrary” and list “no sex without marriage” in your list of unimportant things some people get annoyingly judgy about. Man, some people, right! (For the record, I am with you on this.)

Seem this is not a match, dude.

If you get in a relationship with this girl, you will either be unhappy and frustrated all the time about her “arbitrary boundaries”, or you will somehow talk/manipulate/convince her into going against her deeply held (and clearly stated! at the outset!) principles. The first scenary is no fun for you, and the second scenario… what kind of a person are you? If you’re not into game-playing, you don’t do that.

Why are you considering getting with this girl? Why are you worried about her attitudes to Harry Potter and whatnot – you are clearly incompatible, simply based on her expressed desire to be chaste. Not a match. Move on.

The other girl? Well, you don’t tell us much about her, but it seems you reject her based on your negative experiences with loose, game-playing girls. Do you really know she’s even like that? And if she is, dude, this is not a two-girl world. It’s not a dating sim where you have to pick one of the available options. If this girl is not what you want either, keep looking. There may be girls in this world who are both open to (loving! bonding! oxytocinised!) sex, and honest/game-free. But don’t write her off too early, it seems you might be pre-judging her a little based on your negative experiences with some other chick. That’s not really fair on her. Give the lady a chance.

Finally, to answer the question in your subject line, I think chastity rings are messed right the hell up. I think it’s deeply wrong that young girls are talked into making decisions about their sexuality before they have a clear idea of what they’re even making decisions about. I believe it is setting them up for self-hatred and a disfuctional sex-life. However, I also believe girls have the right to self-determination. So when it comes to a specific individual, like this particular girl, if she says chastity is what she wants, then our job as strangers/aquaintances is to respect that. We don’t know what brought her to this decision, or how she feels about it. There could be perfectly legitimate reasons to wear a ring like that, for example to keep horny teenage boys out of her hair.

Maybe you can question her a little: “how come you wear that ring?” “How old were you when you made that commitment?” “That’s pretty young, how do you know you won’t change your mind? Is it really fair to future you to make her decisions for her?” And then you listen to her answers, nod politely, and drop it. In my opinion. Well, you asked.

Good luck, give the lady a chance!

No wait one more thing: (Geez, do I ever shut up?) Oxytocin does not do what you’ve been told it does. It’s more complicated than that. There is some serious BS out there about oxytocin, and I encourage you to do a little research and learn more about brain-chemistry. Brain chemistry! Aw, man, what’s sexier than that!

• This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Will.

Can’t say no to Walrus hugs.

You clearly have a loving, compassionate, understanding heart. You have brightened my day just by existing. 🙂 And I think your sweet heart is the best tool you could possibly have to hack this problem.

Turn your loving heart to the images and thoughts you don’t want to have. They are in your mind, so they’re a part of you, and they need love and acceptance like any other part. Try something like this, perhaps.

Oh, look, there’s that thought again. Yes, hello thought, there you are. Even though I’m not sure why you’re here right now, I’m willing to have you since, well, here you are. And even though you’re an ugly thought, I know you probably just need a little time and space to be noticed and play out, and then maybe you’ll move on again, so go ahead. I’m paying attention. Even though I don’t like what you say, I know I don’t have to believe it. Even though you’re disturbing to me, I know it doesn’t say anything bad about me to have thoughts like you.

Etc. Welcome the thought. Talk to it, or just sit with it quietly in friendly silence. Turn your loving heart to the thoughts you don’t want to have. Turn it to the feelings those thoughts bring up in you. Turn it to yourself when you find it hard to do this. If you find you can’t do it, turn your loving heart to the thought “I can’t do it” and welcome that. Keep going until the unpleasantness fades.

I know this may seem completely weird or even impossible to you. But you asked what others do, and this is what I’ve found to be most effective when dealing with intrusive, unwanted thoughts. In fact, it’s the only thing I’ve found to help at all.

So I hope it helps you too. My love to you, and your beautiful, precious, sensitive heart.

I think changing your environment/circumstances may be helpful in this situation.

The chicken and the egg evolved together, of course. Before there were chickens, and chicken eggs, there was an egg-laying bird that was like a chicken, but not a chicken. The chicken emerged over a period of time involving many generations, that is, many birds and many eggs. It is a nonsense to ask which came first.

Aikiben, thanks for softening that a little. I was having a good giggle at the fact that you deny that the answer depends on your approach to meditation, and then proceed to give a different answer based on your approach to meditation.

I think this demonstrates conclusively that there are different approaches, and people will tell you slightly different things and give you conflicting advice. I’m afraid you’ll have to find your own way through that, Mariposita. For example, I’m firmly in the “just move already” camp: if you need to scratch, scratch, do it mindfully, return to meditating. Same with changing position. It doesn’t “spoil” your meditation, it’s part of meditating if you do it with attention. But that’s my opinion, based on my style of meditation. I also think some people do meditate simply to relax, and there’s nothing wrong with that. (For clarity, I’m not one of those people, but I’m happy to accept that not everyone does this thing in the way I do it or for the reasons I do it.)

One more thing, Aikiben, I spy a contradiction in your stressing that you shouldn’t push thoughts away, and the way you talk about the mind like it’s a sly, undermining saboteur who is trying to get out of meditating any way it can. I don’t think that’s a very friendly way to look at ones own mind. It’s also confusing: if the mind doesn’t want to meditate, who or what does?

I try not to think of myself as a slave to my mind, or try to be its master. I’m much happier being its friend.

“I understand that loving yourself has to do with completely accepting your thoughts and feelings and being compassionate toward yourself.”

Ok, so according to your understanding you have to live up to the standard of completely accepting your thoughts and feelings. And at the same time you have to be compassionate towards yourself.

Can you spot the contradiction? I think this explains why you doubt yourself. Seems to me like you’ve got this self-love thing down. Time for the next step: everyone else.