Why is a gap year not an option? Because it sounds like that’s exactly what you need.

mcsync’s advice is very good. I love that. Yeah, give her those tomatoes. Over and over, as many times as it takes. Lovely.

Waiting or wishing for ‘closure’ can be a real mental trap. You have closure. Whatever happened, happened, and then some other stuff happened, and time passed, and now you’re here still holding that door open to the past. But it’s past. The past is closed, by defition.

Next time you’re lying in bed listening to yourself tell the same old tired story about the purse or the argument or whatever, see if you can pay attention to the emotion behind the story. And not just name (I’m so upset!) and going back to the story, but really feeling what effect it has on your body, where in your body it lives, what texture it has, what colour or sound it makes you think of. And when your mind starts yapping away again (it will), just gently lead it back to the feeling: “OK, I know, I know about that. But let’s feel it. Let’s really feel it, without words.”

Also meditate (this is a meditation technique, so using it in meditation will be useful).

You should know that mindfulness is not easy. Especially at first, or when you’re out of practice, or when you’re just having a bad moment. So know that it is difficult and you’re doing well. One minute is not too small to make a difference. Keep taking that one minute regularly and it will become easier.

When you first start to pay attention to what your mind is doing it can be overwhelming, some people even feel like they’re getting worse because they notice all this nutty stuff going on in their heads. It’s a normal part of the process, and actually being aware of the nutty stuff is the first step to dealing with it.

Good luck.

I’m not sure you read that article all the way to the end.

5. Change how you see the inevitability of loss.

The reality is loss is inevitable.

We will all lose relationships, situations, and states of being that we enjoy and love. Even if we practice non-attachment, on some level we will get comfortable with people and circumstances.

You could say that this is what makes life beautiful and meaningful—since nothing lasts forever, each moment presents unique possibilities worth fully appreciating and savoring.

Or you could say this is what makes life tragic—that everything is fleeting, and eventually it all slips away.

How we choose to see things dictates how we’ll experience them. Would you rather see everything as precious or pointless?

You know what the not-tiny Buddha would say to this, right?

It is your craving for this girl, your insistence that you must have her, and only she will do, and things have to be the way they were or you just can’t stand it, that’s making you miserable.

Maybe she’s just distant because she’s distracted, and she’ll come back to you. Maybe she’s just not that into you. There’s not much you can do, there’s no magic formula that you can follow and win the girl. Girls aren’t prizes. You want her, so make that clear, and be available to her. If she wants you too, it’ll work out. If not, it won’t.

Your work should be on letting go of your attachment to the outcome here, and work on loving her and you and everyone, however things turn out. Good luck, man.

Thanks for your post, S (and I hope that **** hasn’t really chased you off, Tiny Buddha is generally a good and kind community). I feel like my faith in humanity has taken a bit of a hit recently, and I recognise some of the things you talk about.

What helps me at times like these is the thought that, basically, we are bonobos. We’re upstart monkeys, nearly paralysed by the fear and rage we’ve inherited from our evolutionary history of scarecity, tribal warfare and brutal oppression. It’s no surprise we’re bad at this stuff. We’ve never been better. In fact, we used to be considerably worse, even as little as 20 years ago.

So if you look around at the kindness and compassion and justice we do achieve, sometimes, I think you can take some heart. I think the long arm of history is still pointing to justice. And yes, it’s been a long time. It may take the rest of our collective existence to get there. But when you say “it is taking too long” or “we should be better than this”, you are trying to force history into your personal timeframe, and no good can come of that.

We are stupid monkeys, scared of the world, scared of each other, scared of the future. Many of us cover that fear in anger. We cling desperately to ideas and notions that give us some sense of certainty, and we don’t see or don’t care how they are bigoted and harmful to others. We suck. But we are trying, each of us in our own way and on our own level, to live right and do right.

I think it’s a big help when you can find others who are somewhere roughly on your level, so you can help each other find the way. I hope you can find those people. I hope you can find the courage, more and more, to meet people and look for the good in them, so you can encourage it. All my best wishes.

Is there any way you and your husband could move out, or for you to move out and be on your own?

Because I agree with other commentators, this is no way to live. Wishing you relief.

Please hang in there. I love the writings of this person when I feel down, maybe it will help you too: http://www.fluentself.com/blog/not-hating-on-yourself/what-you-do-when-you-feel-like-dirt/

No, I think that would be extremely unlikely. Please stop making yourself crazy.

Even if your girlfriend was raped, that would not in any way be blameable on you. Remember that when somebody is raped, the person responsible for that is the rapist, and no one else.