Hey Sandy,

I’ve not read your other posts, so I don’t know exactly where you stand with this person, but it sounds like there’s not much chance of you getting back together. So what happened was this: you did some good things, disconnecting and keeping emotional distance, and then you slid back into older behaviour that makes you fearful and frazzled and in pain.

The reason you did this is that you get something out of that pain.

I can’t tell you what that is, maybe it’s the sense of connection it gives you to him, maybe because it gives you something to blame (I feel bad because of HIM, so it’s not my fault), maybe it’s just because you’ve grown used to feeling fearful and dependent on that trickle of news you get from his facebook, and you feel a kind of vertigo when you stand on your own. Or some other reason. It’s often something that makes sense emotionally, but is, rationally speaking, totally barmy.

When you find yourself doing something over and over, even though you know it makes you feel bad, it’s probably because there is something in that shit sandwich that you crave. I used to read rabid anti-gay websites, because there was something about the anger it gave me that made me feel invigorated and righteous. Of course, it also made me miserable, but it took me a long time to realise the misery wasn’t worth the energy I got from being angry. I stopped looking at the sites (and that was hard, and I had to quit a couple of times). I now get my energy from healthier, more positive thoughts, and I don’t have that voice of hate and fear yammering into my head every day. Life is a little better.

Keep on quitting. Keep on doing the good things you know you need to do. And if you can figure out what the magic ingredient in that shit sandwich is, try to figure out other ways to get it.

Firstly, some opinionated opinion from the priceless pages of my asshat opinions: you don’t need to be some dude’s dirty little secret. You were right not to put up with that bullshit. You done right, girl.

Secondly. You seem to have a good handle on the things that aren’t helping you. You mention your limited social life twice. You mention the thinking and more thinking. You’re struggling with anxiety and depression, and you’re scared, and that’s very understandable. This is scary stuff.

So helpful things might be the opposites of the things you mention. Expanding your social life. Spending less time thinking over your situation. Being courageous. These things are not easy. I had a very small social circle, tried different things to make more friends, and it took me years to finally make it work (but I did). And there wasn’t a magic formula, I just did the things they tell you to do: get out there, take classes, join the local theatre group, volunteer, yadda yadda, you know the drill. And it’s so, so hard, especially if you’re also up against your own anxiety. But in the end I did find my people, and I made some friends, and it got easier.

Keep pushing, but not so hard that it’ll exhaust you. Make sure you’re comfortable, and just lean into it a little. Step by step expand your sense of what you are capable of, and the kind of person you are. I used to give myself little gold stars if I managed to make small talk with someone I didn’t know well (yep, really). Now I can casually flirt with people. And there’s nothing I can point to to say: there, that’s what changed. I just tried as best I could.

All my best wishes.

Hey Robito,

Interesting project. I agree that “spirituality” isn’t worth much if it doesn’t change the way you actually behave.

When it comes to the precepts, I struggle with this myself, although it’s more numbers 3 and 4 that trip me up. 😉 As far as intoxicants go, I’ve always understood this as a kind of precaution. When under the influence of intoxicants, it’s very hard to stick to the rest of the precepts. It’s hard to be mindful of yourself when your mind’s not working properly, so to speak. So we abstain to help ourselves stick to the path, and not end up with a hangover both in the literal and in a kind of karmic “what have I done?!” sense.

I don’t drink or smoke anyway, so it’s fairly easy for me to say I pass this test. I do use caffeine sometimes, but not habitually. Is that against the precepts? I don’t know. Some people feel you can’t ‘abstain from killing’ unless you’re a vegetarian. They have a good point, but I’m not a vegetarian yet.

The way I see it, the precepts are a tool to challenge yourself, to be mindful of what you do, rather than hard and fast thou-shalt-nots. And I think it’s natural that there’s variations in interpretation. To you, abstaining from intoxicants might mean not to drink to intoxication, rather than not drinking at all. For me, abstaining from sexual misconduct might mean something wildly different than what it meant in the Buddha’s time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t take sexual morality and the consexuences of my actions seriously.

I think the key is that you think through what you do, and are careful of what the outcome of your actions may be for yourself and for others.

I’m glad to hear that, Lance. You sound like a decent guy. Stay the course, my friend.

Hey Ruminant,

Everyone else has given really great chakra/energy/spiritual type suggestions, and you seem happy with that, so maybe my more down to earth suggestion isn’t needed. But I’m a down to earth type of person, and this seems like a down to earth kind of problem, so I’ll offer it anyway. For clarity, I’m biologically female, although my gender identity is, uh, in flux, I’ll say. But I got the bits you got, and sister, I feel ya. This is my advice.

Have a wank.

OK, I know you say that having orgasms just seems to bring it back stronger. I used to think that too, until I tried, on the suggestion of a rather wonderful young man, to NOT have orgasms for a while. That makes it worse. Trust me. If you got these urges, they’ll want to come out one way or another, and it’s better to give them the space.

I would suggest taking the time every day (or more if you need to) to fantasise, touch yourself, and really make yourself feel good. When I say have a wank, I don’t mean just that. I mean dress up, take the time, touch yourself all over, kiss your own skin, let the energy build. This energy is yours. It’s what you have, and great going showing shame the door, by the way. But it seems like you’re saying: “OK, I know I don’t have to be ashamed of it, but it really is kind of in my way here.”

It’s not in your way. It is you.

Of course I understand you probably can’t afford to lounge around all day in fancy underoos snuggled up with a hitachi (though how awesome is THAT for a lazy Sunday plan?) and I know how exhausting and distracting it can be to feel that kind of hunger all the time. But trying to control it isn’t going to help. It’s a part of you that, for whatever reason, needs some attention. I think if you spend some time with it, real, quality time without trying to control it or figure it out, the urgency will die down and you’ll find a comfortable and pleasurable way to be with yourself.

Yes, you can harnass this energy. When you do, it turns into pleasure. What could be better?

I like this question. I might use it as a journalling prompt.

For now, my deathbed message to the world would be something along the lines of this: “Whatever has happened to you, whatever’s been done to you, whatever shit you got going on in your life, you can still be amazing. You and me and everyone else have our own shit to wade though, and most of it is invisible except to ourselves. So be kind, to yourself, and to everyone else. Being kind is the only path to enlightenment that’s worth a damn if you ask me.”

Something like that. I’ll check back for more responses.

Danger: that was a good thing to do man. High five! Wait, wash your hands first. OK, high five.
At the same time, the other people may not have done anything for their own reasons. Maybe one of them was a germophobe who really wanted to do something, but couldn’t face the thought of touching the dead tissue. Maybe one of them was just acting like he didn’t care because he was terrified of not fitting in with his new college friends, and would be bullied like he had been all his highschool years. Maybe they just didn’t know what to do, but hated themselves afterwards. Maybe one of those pretty girls couldn’t stop because she had a doctor’s appointment to get emergency contraception and was scared out of her damn mind.
Maybe not, but the point is: don’t judge people for not doing what you think they should be doing. You don’t know what’s going on with them. I think the thing to do in a situation like that is just to be grateful that you WERE able to do what needed to be done, and wish them well on their journeys, whatever they are.

Aw, man! What a horrible situation to be in.

The unkind way to look at it is that he was friends with you only in the hopes of getting into your pants, and then when he was there he decided that’s not what he wanted and bailed. That is sucky behaviour on his part, and maybe you’re better off getting rid of him.

On the other hand, he sounds kind of troubled. Why would you pursue someone for years, and then drop them? Either he doesn’t know his own heart, which must be painful to realise, or he’s been crushingly disappointed in something he’d built up as the shining super-special one thing he needed to make his life complete. He may need some time to get over you, and perhaps you can be friends after a few months or a year of being at a distance.

On balance though: you “did not meet his expectations”? What, like that’s your fault? He sounds like a ass. It’s sad to lose a friend, but I think he might not be a friend worth having.