Merry Christmas to you as well! I hope you have a very happy new year. So I see your point and I’m no longer focused on the ego thing. About the sleep issue, because of work schedule, I had to sleep everyday. Therefore, I had to maintain a sleep schedule and it’s not bad. I sometimes have issues falling asleep but I’m trying to find my ways. I guess I need that 8 hours everyday. It seems a lot, but I have to perform my best at this trial period. So I’m willing to make that sacrifice to be able to be my best self during the work hours. And it’s almost the same with my boyfriend. He is still looking for new ways to get therapy, I’m trying to help him. But he doesn’t have me at the home during the day. I’m only there during a couple hours in the evening and then we sleep. I feel like he doesn’t like this idea but he respects my wishes and my work. He knew that I liked working and he also liked this side of me as well. So he is trying to adjust. Also, I can see clearly that I have a limited power towards him, I cannot do more. I’m trying so we’ll see. He is talking about visiting his parents maybe a month later, so that distance might make us feel better. For now, he distracts himself sometimes and gets better. But in a few days, he starts thinking about the same things, like what I have done with my exes and not with him, and this thought loops makes him angry, broken-hearted.

I have never thought about this, this is a new perspective for me on this jealousy. I thought I should be working on my ego like everbody else, it’s a toxic thing to have much of it. But I guess, I have to accept that some has it harder in some ways, and it’s not a just world in this regard. What to do then? Do we have to distract themselves from these unjust details and focus on other  stuff? I felt like distraction is just a denial, you will always be coming to that thought later. Maybe it’s time for some quality theraphy reading, like cognitive behavioral theraphy or so on.

Hey Anita,

Thanks for asking. I actually started working at a Health Tourism office here, I have lots of working hours but I enjoy my time at work. So no worries, and I feel better now. This is also a challenging job, so I will be trying hard to fit in and not to be laid off, so it would really improve me. So that’s a plus. How about you? I hope you’re well.

There is something I want to share. So I started to notice my ego these days. I love it, I like the way it feels. But it is toxic. Earlier this week, I’ve talked with a friend with whom I feel like rivals sometimes, and she talks about getting more opportunities, more easy ways to earn money and actually gain titles the easy ways. So I feel the urge to make her feel like she is ignorant and she always tries to find the easier way. This has been making me attack her, in a cute way of course. I tend to argue how that’s ignorant, or how that’s not rational, or stuff like that. I feel the need to argue with her most of the time. This is actually very toxic of me but I know, deep inside, that she is not very literate. She doesn’t read anything, she reads so rarely and it’s when something is so popular that it attracts her. She is also obsessed with titles and how we look, so she also wants to do stuff that would make people see her in a professional way. And her easy way arounds’ actually disgust me. I know that I get jealous because I don’t really have those easy way arounds. Or I simply don’t see the ways I have in front of me. I wanted to share this, because I have her in my circle and even though I try to not meet with her, we speak in a daily basis. And I feel like it’s an ego problem.

Although cutting contact with them seems impossible, because I would want to know that they’re safe, I can get far away from them where they cannot harm me anymore. I would visit regularly because if I can manage to move to a better country, then I would be earning enough to provide for the visits. In this country, it’s really hard to make a living and provide for other stuff like airplane tickets n so on. And I actually started to feel like I cannot help my boyfriend anymore. His psychiatrist basically told him that she wouldn’t be working with him, after giving all those meds to him and making him addicted. I’m trying to make him get therapy online from another doctor but during this process, we have gotten worse and worse. I can feel that I’m getting older day by day. It’s really hard to make somebody change and it feels like he doesn’t want to change after all. He has been like this since his childhood and I feel like I’m almost at the end of my rope. I’ve wrenched a rope from him the other day because he was preparing to commit suicide. I also got razors from him during the summer.

Also, after a day with my sister, I was able to name what she’s been doing to me and also what my dad have always done to us. I’ve been reading, watching stuff about it lately and I’m going to be a bit illiterate since this is professionals’ job. But I want to say what I’ve been observing, they are narcissistic. All the years my dad made us feel like nothing, all those days where he did made it look like it’s an opportunity to be his kid but on the inside, it was hell. I remember he telling all the stuff to me while he just tried to get to my mother, when they were separated. He continuously makes himself the victim and this is beyond bearable. And he also survived several chemotherapy treatments because of a brain tumor and metastasis, so it’s even more unbearable now. Because he actually made himself the victim after all those years of abusing his wife and children. So it’s hard to communicate with him now, because you’ll feel like you’re abused but you cannot do anything about that, because you also feel guilty. And I finally saw the same patterns in my sister, she was brought up to be exactly like him. And being exposed to that relationship, makes you feel like garbage. After a day with my sister, I went home and cried for 3 hours. My boyfriend tried to help me but I had to cry that much to get over it. She made me realize and remember all the stuff dad did. And I actually felt like I have nobody else except my sister to share the pain of losing the parents, when that day comes. And my sister simply doesn’t know how to love somebody. She does not care about her family, because she has it. I will be there when she needs it, I cannot help it. But I can say that she doesn’t even know me, she doesn’t have to. She just wants my help when she needs it and that’s it. So besides getting sad about the ‘I don’t have anybody but her, but she is unable to care for me.’, I also have to protect myself from her and my dad. I know that I can do that, it’s just takes practice and being able to see these patterns really makes me want to get in a second university for psychology. I started to consider applying to foreign universities and scholarships. I don’t know how that would go considering the financial crisis we’re in as a country but it’s nice to know something I might want. Or maybe that’s just an excuse to run from working full-time and the adulthood and saving 3-4 more years to work part time and think about what I want. We’ll see.

I guess you’re right. I have to look for ways to get to know my traumas and get over them eventually. For the earthquake part, yes people died because of the poor constructions. We’ve learned that two companies actually broke colons in the ground floor, and two buildings collapsed because of that. It’s going to be hard to get used to live without that thoughts again, I cannot even imagine how those will get used to their everyday life after waiting under the debris for hours. I hope we will never experience this kind of stuff again, since there is terrorism, and actually wars that have started, it’s getting scarry even more. We’ll be very careful about any natural disasters and choose our homes according to that but what about disasters that humans cause? To where will people escape then?

Dear Tony,

Firstly, I want to thank you for attaching your name to what you’ve written. I don’t know if it’s real but you mentioned some trust issues because of an old post of yours and I really appreciate the fact that you trust us here enough to add your name. I was surprised because of your reply actually, thank you for the kind words. My mother tongue is not English, therefore I’ve learned it mostly in my university years through articles and so on. That might be influencing my vocabulary use from urban to maybe a bit more scholar. I’m not sure. I didn’t think that the way I’m seeing the photograph would make sense in a good way. I only saw it as a pathetic side of mine. Your book suggestion is noted as well, thank you for that too. It’s hard to feel you’ve arrived I guess. I don’t know when I will be reaching that point. I’ll try to write even more since you’ve mentioned it. Thank you.

Dear Anita,
I’m very much affected by your reply. Your narration of it makes it clear and also exhausting. Seeing this makes me think, I have to pause but then again I’m a jealous person when it comes to achievements. I guess I’ll try to see that friend I’ve mentioned. Even though all the things she’ll talk about would hurt me, maybe I’ll come clean about my feelings in a natural way. Maybe I’ll mention how it hurts me to see everyone else continuing with their lives in a way I’m not feeling capable of. I don’t know if talking or even meeting with her is the right choice but I get toxic easily now as well.