Also, I feel like your reply will contain sentences to encourage me to end this relationship or separate for a while, at least in terms of where we live. I have come to a state where I cannot even hope for our relationship, I just want to save him. Yes, I would be miserable without him, I would lose my will to live for a while. But I won’t die, I won’t be suicidal. But he might be. And there’s no place for him to get away, and be better. Therefore, I cannot make any radical moves. He has his own room, his own bed as well. So maybe we can lose contact for a while and expect him to get better. I don’t know, but maybe we’ll go on like this and when I managed to go away(abroad) in a safe environment, such as a new school or a new job, then we’ll be okay, together or separately. I don’t know.

Also, during one of his episodes, my mom was on the phone with him. He kept obsessing over my exes and mom witnessed this. So she is not really happy with this either, she likes him, she has met with him and she worries about us. She also thinks he will not change. And I’m afraid I have doubts about this as well. But it’s really hard to even think about this, it feels like I would be leaving him to be like that. I want to show him that it can always be better.

But he is tired of hearing the same words over and over. “You’re not making enough effort, you’re not trying!” He’s exhausted as well.

Thanks for the cheesy note, it made me smile!

Thank you for sharing special parts about your life. I can relate to you about ‘not feeling it like your home’, but I have to admit that I’ve experienced that feeling when my mom and I was living alone after they’ve broken up and she was at work. I used to be by myself, feeling safe and doing whatever I wanted to do. After she married with someone else, I’ve moved to a dorm and then to a shared flat. I’ve tried everyday to gain that feeling again, to feel like home by specific genres of music, by decorating my room in a certain way and even the timing about my activities. For example, I’ve always liked doing my stuff (projects n stuff) on the computer during daytime. It reminded me of those days, with lots of sunlight.

After a while of being with myself, like being alone for hours on the computer (i do that a lot because i tend to not sleep at night, and my boyfriend eventually sleeps so i’ll be alone till 9 am or so) I remember my old-self. It makes me feel like I am, again, that person who is 13-15 years old, alone in her room, doing stuff on computer. Then, I felt like the most alone person, I’ve always wanted to be like other girls, wanted to have what they’ve had like their families, their opportunities regarding financial ones, and even their boyfriends. I didn’t wanted to be with theirs, I just wanted to experience stuff, because I’ve felt left behind. But when I think about it, I have more opportunities because of my age and time (no school so I can earn money, even though it’s not much, it’s better than those days), I have had boyfriends and experiences as well, but I’m here trying to have the same atmosphere as her. That’s the only thing that makes me feel safe, I guess.
I agree with you about that aggression. Since we all need similar things, and we all struggle from similar stuff, we often end up with somewhat similar coping mechanisms. It has been one month after the earthquake, we’ve returned to our home, made it checked so we’ll be safe in it. I’ve started to feel okay as well. Even though, I live with my flatmates and my boyfriend. So it’s easy for me to feel okay. But I want to admit something, since the day of the earthquake, I’ve become a better person. I mean I was always a sentimental person but I can feel like I’m even more just these days. I remember a year from my life where I’ve read about pragmatism, also the Prince from Machiavelli and thought, “Yeah, that really sounds logical, I can be a pragmatist as well!” and I’ve had a bad relationships then where I was being cheated on and off. I saw that relationship as a time to invest in me and not feel alone again, so i kept going. It was long distance so it wasn’t so hard to keep going. And I actually ended up cheating on him as well, not felt any guilt about it but I know that if he was a sentimental, good person; I would not forget what I did and blame myself forever. So I can see what kind of a person I want to be in the future, I don’t want to feel any guilt about anything I do. I might not be able to know what I want in life, in terms of career or family, but I know that I want to do my part about what you call “better place”. I’m also considering about going vegan these days, but it’s struggling to give up on cheese. Takes a bit of a hard work to make all the meals according to it, but I’ll try more.

Thank you Anita, for your kind and wise words. Day by day, I’m trying to see what I do wrong. People tend to pick careers, lifestyles, or something to believe in or pursue, like a family. Since I cannot choose between what should I want, I have to pick stuff to at least move towards them. See, I cannot even say ‘pick something’ here, I’m saying ‘stuff’ which is kind of plural. I’m very diffused, I can talk about 4-5 careers I would like to pursue but the problem is to choose between them. Maybe if I can choose a direction, then that direction will help me to stand still. For example, I’m sure that I’ll be a bad mother, therefore I cannot even dream about a family and I don’t want to either. I’m in no position to decide on that right now, so I don’t think about it. But even though I know I’ll be an unjust mother and I’ll be also very scared to have a child, I’m scared of feeling regretful about it in the future. I have to accept that my decisions are also renunciations and grow up a bit. About those careers as well, I know that if I go on like this, not focusing on one career; then I can feel regretful because I’ll be master of none. But If I choose one, then I’ll regret that I’m no master of the other ones. This thinking is really toxic for me, I’m really tired of this mentality where I continuously focus on what people have and what I have not. Recently, we’ve experienced an earthquake that killed at least 100 people in my city and left thousands of people homeless. And the rest of us, the lucky ones tried to help the others both felt unsafe, traumatized, and lucky in a guilty way. One feels guilty to be in a good situation by chance while some people waited for hours and even days under the debris. This made me realize how much I have, for a day I guess. I was scared for my life and actually shocked how I was able to make my life hell when I was actually luckier than lots of people. But that’s also about my standards which are actually very greedy. Then a couple of days later, my boyfriend which I mentioned to be suicidal stopped using his antipsychotic drugs for just 2 days to feel more awake in case there would be more earthquakes. This made him worse and worse, resulting in him wanting to be hospitalized so that he won’t hurt anybody around him. He was attacking himself during the episodes and the ER gave him tranquilizers n made him sleep for hours there. We waited there, worrying and that was the first time I actually got scared of losing him fully. Either to the ER or rehab or to suicide eventually. So these two events on top of each other was really a reality check for me. Even though I was depressed in my own little world, I guess I needed a reminder to realize how ignorant I was.

Other than all this, I know that I have to take responsibility for my choices. To this day, I did what was logical and it was easy. I didn’t have to choose anything so radically. But I have to start choosing and deciding my way, all I have to discover now is to what do I want the most..

Dear Anita,
I can totally relate to childhood-euphoria. Even though I was depressed, I could motivate myself from time to time to hold on, study, and get better. Because I thought it can get better once I get to a good university, then I’ll get to know new people and everything will be fine. Some people would like me, I’ll find someone to be companions with each other and I’ll feel safe, eventually. All of these happened, the university has come to an end as well. But that mental abyss kept growing.

Dear Canadian Eagle,

I’m sorry you’ve experienced such a thing. I cannot imagine why would one say that. Since you’ve concluded that I’ve had a happy childhood, I want to clarify that. I didn’t experience a happy one, there were rare moments like the ones I’ve mention that I can call peaceful and happy. But other than that, my childhood was 90% depressed. As for the use of ‘exploited’, I tried to mean that I feel used. This can be because of my unrealistic expectations. I don’t know. But the unrealistic expectations I’m talking about are not much actually, just specific. As I mentioned above, I thought I would be loved someday. This is a vague dream, I was liked, I have had a few boyfriends after those years. But since I was so vulnerable to be manipulated, they kinda did everything they wanted and let me go when they got bored. And during the process, I just thought I was being loved. These also make me feel ‘exploited’ as well. I feel really old, but I’m 22. I cannot dream properly, I cannot make plans. I’m terrified of getting things to myself, buying things, doing nice things, or even just being there. So being content has left the building years ago.

I also want to add something. Half an hour ago, I saw a former friend of mine sharing a photo on the sea-side, getting sunbathed. The photo was so sincere, nothing like a pose or something. I’ve liked it apparently and I was left with this comparison:
She can enjoy things. Other than all the other aspects (like her being able to work remotely, for an acquaintance’s company while I’ve been looking for and being rejected for the companies I want and also her being able to do lots of stuff I cannot do just out of nepotism) she can actually enjoy just being present. I didn’t even plan a one-day holiday for myself since I’ve graduated. Because I didn’t want it, I didn’t want to stand still. I did want to find something, accomplish more and more. Then it occured to me, she was brought up to be this way. She was able to go to a nice place for holiday every summer with her loving family. That’s something I cannot even imagine for myself, I don’t ever think I’m worthy of stuff like that. There are lots of subjects I have to persuade my mind otherwise.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Arden.

he is failing this one and only one expectation that you have of him- then what is there in this relationship for you???

This sounds accurate but I don’t know how can I put myself first when he is putting me first as well and feeling miserable doing it. That can be a serious problem, I would be miserable to think of leaving him because he makes me unhappy. He doesn’t have anybody with him right now, since he started to lose contact with his parents, I don’t know where he would live and be with. He doesn’t have a place to go or a good friend to count on.

Other than that, maybe it makes me notice my own depression even less but I don’t know cause everything I get upset about, doesn’t end there. I get upset about one little thing and then I recall every single thing – trauma I feel bad about that subject and focus on those. I do this all the time, so maybe I’m pretty good at noticing mine as well as his’.

Thank you for your time, really. He is now almost 10 days in with the antidepressants, we were doing better till today. I guess it is either a part of the process, or we’re not gonna be able to pull this through. Today, he wanted to break up because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally. This happened after he forgot something on the floor and I accidentally fell because of it, no big deal for me but he got upset because it was his fault. Then he relapsed as he remembered how miserable I seemed after our discussions and stuff. (I get emotional very fast and I cry a lot as well.) So it was hard to make him a bit better after he got upset, we both cried for hours and discussed, etc. He suggested breaking up because of the reason I’ve mentioned above, and for the first time, I’ve said okay. Then we didn’t of course and moved on with our lives as depressive individuals, ate dinner, and watched stuff.

I see this from two perspectives, this can be because of the ups and downs after starting to the medicine, he mentioned that this could happen for like a month. In this case, I’ll wait till I see if this happens again in the next months as well. In another perspective, this is unacceptable for me. If these ideas (break up for me cause I’m not good for you) are gonna be there next year, the year after that and so on, then this is a huge red flag for me. I am someone who always has been broken up with in the past, I kind of see myself the sole losing party of relationships. Maybe after some time, they wanted to get back but the breakups were never my idea, always the other partners’ (Although there is not much of a relationship history but-) And my childhood traumas add these up with the abandonment issues. So him asking for me to break up, saying that he’s not good for me several times is started to make me feel nauseous out of anxiety. I feel like I might fail in this relationship too and then lose hope for good. So there’s that.

Thank you for your understanding, though. It feels better in terms of this subject. Constantly looking for answers or the thought that maybe someday my grief about this subject will be over after a period of pain is the wrong thing to do. I like to read about psychology and comprehend why I am like this even better but this can seem a bit dramatizing and exaggerating. At the end of this stuff, I always end up feeling sorry for myself and this doesn’t get me anywhere forward. I feel like I have to solve this ‘feeling sorry for oneself’ problem first. I also think that I got this tendency from my father since he had always found a way to see himself as the victim. It’s mesmerizing how he does it actually, he still does it with me, with the world, with my stepmother who has been like an angel to him and everyone else. It’s like a toxic superpower. I have to get better in terms of this tendency and find a way to make my boyfriend feel a bit better again.

He relapsed today and I stopped him from taking 6-7 sleeping pills. I doubt if 6-7 pills would harm him seriously but he is sleeping since I couldn’t prevent him from taking the first pill. But this started to make me feel so exhausted as well. He is afraid to harm me, upset me but he knows that he does and he feels even worse because of it. This never-ending cycle has started to suffocate both of us. I’m even thinking about talking to him about starting to use SSRI drugs again with a doctor of course. He has used lots of drugs in his childhood and teen years. It’s like he cannot stop thinking and he has such a rapid mind that I cannot even compete. I try to understand but I guess he thinks that I cannot understand him sometimes. I am a depressive person as well but he says that he cannot control himself. I’m afraid of what he is capable of.