I can see clearly now, maybe because I am older, I cannot ignore most of the things I used to ignore in the past. However, I guess I should be able to sit with the not-comfy feeling and just be alone, observe, go on with my life. I think I try to run from that feeling, when I am not fully safe, in terms of emotions, I always try to run from it with either psychological readings, or spiritual stuff to make me feel better, hope for the better. I don’t like to sit and be pessimistic about anything, it just doesn’t make me feel any good, why do that? Therefore, I don’t sit with the bad feeling and I try to make it better by either manipulating my mind or trying to make the situation better.

And yes, regarding what I want, I always wanted to be happy and accepted, understood like everyone else. I do have a clue about what I want, but when a slight problem occurs like my partner being in a weird mood and behaving a bit differently to me, I start to feel unsafe and that affects me a lot. My motivation towards life just start to vanish. When I’m not able to feel safe with the love I have (Not sure about the expression but I’m hoping you’ll get me), I lose interest in the hobbies I like, I never want to read anything, do anything productive. I just go on with my life with the lowest effort and hope for better. It’s like my hobbies, my job, anything I like, all the things mentioned are not as important as being safe with the partner I have.

Having fixed stuff helps a little I guess, that’s something I’ve experienced in the past year. I’ve always did yoga after my breakup last year even though I felt suffocated, even though I cried during. Having at least one stable thing in your life helps, so I started yoga again, the streak is now over 30 days, and I’ll continue no matter what. I need that in my life, one thing I can count on.

I am telling here that I don’t like pessimism but I guess I am acting a bit pessimistic. It’s just when I am not safe with my feelings, I hardly see anything to be grateful about in life, that seems like the problem here. I have other stuff I’m working on to be grateful about.

You want to have a say in what happens in your life and in your relationship;  you want to be an active, reasonably-powerful part in your life and relationship, not a passive and hopeful observant. The stronger you become in your own life, the less exhausted you will be, and the lesser your fears.

Definitely, I should read these words often.

As for the spiritual thing question, I don’t know if I mentioned before but I wasn’t brought up with a religion. My parents were not religious and they have never thought me anything about it besides the need to respect others about it. So in my teen years, I considered myself as agnostic and never was interested in religions, and I was even thinking it was lame. Maybe it’s lame to follow something you are thought without questioning it, yes. But even though it did seem lame, I needed something in my life that would fill up that space. Maybe that’s another reason I have this obsession on being safe. I was not safe as other kids because I never believed in anything that would protect me. But as I grew up, I realized that I needed something but nothing persuaded me. I tried to talk with some people that are strongly religious, but when I listened to the so-called miracles they heard and saw as the reason to believe in their god, it was never enough for me.

The only thing I could see a little bit more persuading is the effects of meditation, and then again, I guess these can be explained in science as well. So I try to do my yoga and expect to be more stable, healthy and maybe have a slight effect on my “spiritualism” as people refer, so that I can be more happy. It’s like helping others at this point, or it’s like buying a bracelet to have more luck. So this is what I try to fill up this void. Doesn’t feel enough, but maybe since this is not enough, I put great importance to my emotional state and when that shatters, I am lost in that void without any will to live.

Just checked some of the old topics I’ve started and I found your reply from June 7, 2019.

Your future partner will have his own problems to work on. The two of you will help each other learn, identify problems, experiment with different solutions and always treat each other with respect.

Made me smile, I didn’t realize I posted here so much since.

I also try to get up before the heat builds up, it has never been so bad. Never been so hot, the weather never been so unstable. I blame it on the global warming. It has never been so unstable regarding so many subjects. I feel like we’re experiencing the utter entropy these days, everything is going bad. But it’s weird that besides the economy, the weather, the politics that are going bad, everything in my life is slowly going more stable. I feel like I’m growing up faster than ever, or I did grew up in the past but only now I have the chance to have the embodiments in my everyday life.

Facing it, this actually feels interesting. You advised me to face that feeling, and I try to do that each time. I am not sure if I ever kid myself by saying this but I feel like I almost never run from a bad feeling. It can also be the thing that I only remember the times I don’t run from them. But I started to understand and face them at some point in my life and now it feels like I cannot run from them again. This feels like a no way back thing, just like the boundary skill I’m trying to work on, it is also a no way back experiment. I would never be a people pleaser like I was in the past, I can be less, but not that much, ever. Seems impossible to me.

That dreadful emptiness hurts me if something bad is happening, or I have the idea of that possibility. The last time it was that much and I had my knees shaking, breath going mad was 1.5 years ago. It was the time I was being abandoned again, although it wasn’t a one time thing, I remember more than one occasions he made me feel that. It’s like an endless disappointment is suffocating me, I was the one with the thought and I was suffocating me all along but it happens again if I think of something that would make me lose this connection with him. It even feels like a last resort, after all those failures, finally starting to feel safe and I might lose this if I go abroad to work there. But I have to go, I would never be happy enough if I don’t take this opportunity. I would regret it at some point, so we know what I’ll do.

About the coffee reading suggestion, yes I can totally do that. Since I knew that she was gonna comfort me, I did record the event. I have like a 5 min recording of her telling me nice things about the future and also what happened in my past so that I would believe her. It’s interesting actually, I never get how they do that. I don’t see the logic at all, but they just know things sometimes.

I feel also weirdly good about the fact that you’re positive about this relationship, it’s like having a family member’s blessing.

I am good with giving space when I feel safe. As long as I feel safe, he can have all the space in the world and I wouldn’t feel bad at all.

Thank you for understanding!

I totally agree with you, and yes. This is surely a good opportunity for me and for him too, if he would be willing to change his life. He is working at his own company in a way, so I’m not sure he would wanna quit that. But we’ll see I guess. When I first mentioned, we cried till the morning and he didn’t think long-distance would work. He thought we would hate each other. But I’m willing to try that.

I’m trying, and working on my relationships. But it only gets worse I think. Maybe.

People are just not happy with me prioritizing myself. I’m not sure what kind of a circle I do have including my family members. I am now taking care of my father when my stepmom is with her own mom, taking care of her. I’ll then go to my mom, stay there for a few days and then I’ll be back to my sister’s house to take care for the cats while she is at another city going to a concert. I will be exhausted after these days and then I’ll be back to work after making everyone happy. A friend of mine wanted to come stay at my house with his sister afterwards but I rejected since I would wanna stay alone or see my boyfriend since I’ll be missing him then. Now, he doesn’t talk to me because I prioritized my boyfriend and told my friend that. He is probably upset because there is no-one special in his own life. Kind of annoying, cause I do my best for people but when I finally try to learn to prioritize my own needs, this is what I see.

I am terrified of going to work at a different country because of what might happen with my relationship. But there is this opportunity and if it happens even next month, I’ll have to take this. I’ll have to go. I’ll try to go on with the long distance relationship if my boyfriend would also be persuaded but he did tell me he didn’t believe these types of stuff. But we’ll see, nothing else I can do. I can only wait and see what will happen.

Yes, I am okay. Thank you! I hope that you’re okay as well.

Thank you for the new perspective. I’m guessing I feel like I still have some stuff to lose when I lose her. Even though it was lacking some basic stuff, we are able to communicate especially about my sister and my father which gives me a bit of strength. She also knows them, and she was hurt by them like me, even more than me. It’s nice to be able to speak about this, when something happens with my sister that I feel abused emotionally, I tell that to my mother and we try to analyze it, neutralize the abuse, and she helps me get over that abusive communication where I get harmed and feel guilty at the same time because of manipulation. She tries to help me when she can.

But yes, I cannot live with the fear all the time. I started to feel like I’m turning out okay actually, I feel more healthy even though I have my days. I still feel very vulnerable, very emotional and easy to manipulate. That hasn’t changed. But I’m trying to create ways to cope with that.

Although I would lose my will to live if something were to happen with the current relationship I have, I know that. Being codependent feels like I’m still a child, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to outgrow of that. Maybe I’ll be like that till I die, I don’t see the logic in living, enjoying something, earning or working when you don’t have somebody you can share it with. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And somehow this also doesn’t work with friends, which makes me doubt my understanding of friendships. I trust some people, I also make effort to earn their trust. But something is lacking there, it is not enough for me to have enthusiasm about life.

Thank you Anita, I’m lucky to have somebody like you I can talk to. I actually feel weird by posting this, as I feel like there are lots of people that need help more than me. But I feel a bit safe here, as you kind of know me now.

I’ve came to my mom’s place for a few days, I’ll be back tomorrow. I remembered last year here, I was talking with my current bf as friends, I was trying to move on from the ex, he was still in touch with me and able to hurt me. I was starting my job, first weeks and all. Now pretty much everything changed for the better. But I realized one thing. I don’t really value myself for the time I spent. I was mostly an alone kid, and I know how to spend time alone. I have many hobbies, lot’s of weird or non-weird stuff I do and I don’t get bored easily. But for the last month, I was kind of alone again. My bf had his sister and mom around, he couldn’t visit much, he also had a busy schedule. I guess also my friendships changed, and I have a few friends now. The superficial ones are kind of gone, I don’t see them. And I got bored, it was weird. I got bored of myself. I kind of know why.

I did have some expectations, I thought since I worked hard and now I can have some free time to myself, I should be having a good time. However, I didn’t have anybody around to do those stuff, like traveling or anything at all. I mostly wanted to do those stuff with my bf, but he was not around. I felt a bit worthless. I didn’t want to do anything alone, and then we had a tiny plan for my birthday, which consisted of 2 friends and my bf, we had a little fun, nobody that I invite could come, and that shouldn’t be a problem, but I felt a bit sad about it and then the next day, I got here. Left that city since I was not having a good time with anybody else. I feel like I don’t value myself enough, maybe that’s a common problem. I saw this as an opportunity to see my mom since I was already kind of alone back there.

There was a moment a week ago, I suppose. When my bf’s sister was there, with him, he stopped by my house and we talked a bit, for 1-2 hours and then he went back to his house to spend time with his sister. They used to live together 6 months ago, before she got a job from another city. He was talking about their time together, and how he felt sad about not having a brother like he is to her. He has a brother, rather a bad one. I felt so sad suddenly. Cause I don’t even have one good sibling. All I have is somebody I have to set boundaries with or I would be deeply harmed. Not even a friend. She is like an acquaintance I should protect myself from. So I will never have anything like a sibling relationship. This is just something I can never have. I couldn’t stop my tears then and he tried to comfort me, but then he had to go.

Maybe you do see why I felt a bit weird posting this, this is not the biggest problem I suppose. Something big enough to make me feel sad, but maybe I just have to learn to live with this.