Although trying to run from the possibility of pain seems a little childish and that’s what I’ve been doing. I guess I’ll have to accept the things as they are and try to get better with my own help, not anybody else’s.

It sounds like me, yes. I can actually look for some addiction relief methods as well. Yesterday, I got off from work and he did shopping for the house like we were going to live together. Then we talked, and talked for hours, till we sleep. I told him that we could decide for us slowly. I also showed him some of my messages from friends about him. One friend actually suggested that I could give an ultimatom saying ‘whether you get a decent therapy, maybe including a rehab or you’ll be losing me’. He liked this idea and told me that he never wants to lose me at all. And he suggested this ultimatom:
“whether this goes on and i’ll get a therapy and also a new house, or not..”

This ultimatom was doable for him I guess. He saw these conditions applicable since he was faced with the concept of ‘losing me’. However, I was the little girl from my childhood. I kept thinking about how I’ll be missing him, how it will be terrible to see his room empty, how it will be terrible to come home after work and not eat dinner with him. He actually taught me so many things about love, in the end. That’s why this is so different from my other relationships. He was like a caregiver, like I said. He is, when not influenced by any episodes or neurosis, someone capable of loving people. He can grasp that our souls matter more than any other thing. He cares for the people for who they are, such a loving person. And maybe that’s the reason why he was so damaged. I would sincerely wish that everybody in this world became like him. Then, it would be possible to trust everyone. It might sound weird for me to say these stuff for someone that cheated on me but I really mean these. And I feel like there won’t be anybody else like him again, I feel like I won’t be able to trust anybody. I can clearly see how men act and how cruel and selfish people are especially in today’s world.

So right now, he is thinking to handle the last finals he has for a few days, the most. And then he’ll stay at his friends’ just to not waste any time and be done with this separation thing. He genuinely still loves me and he is not bad right now. But he believes that a neurosis will happen again and when that happens, he won’t be upsetting me anymore. So he’ll stay at some friends’ house, then go back to his hometown for a while and then maybe he’ll find a house when he comes back. But this upsets me, because he’s willing to do all these kinds of stuff, including having some financial problems as well to give me a break. This breaks my heart and I cannot imagine how will I be when he does and leaves, being uncomfortable at some sofa he doesn’t like and this feeling is really familiar. I’m feeling really guilty for someone that loves me. I’m feeling really guilty for something they did, just because their sincere love towards me.

I guess it was like 9 years ago, when I was in 7-8th grade. I was in summer break and my mom used to work for really long hours. I was spending my whole time on the computer and didn’t move much then. She used to get up in the morning, go outside and get me some breakfast stuff, like little newly cooked pastry from the same place and get back home. She used to go outside after giving me the pastry and then she’ll head to work. This cycle repeated for 2-3 months and I don’t remember how I felt during those days. I guess I ignored how I felt and focused on the computer. But now, every time I remember this, I burst into tears, I cannot help myself. I feel so guilty for letting her do this, every single day. I mean I had my own legs you know, I could’ve have go outside with her and then I can get back home after we stop at that pastry shop.

I might be getting upset about this specific thing but looking at the big picture, I was actually feeling guilty towards all the things she had to go through alone. Even if I was with her, I was just a kid. I couldn’t help her that much. And I had my own selfish moments as well. I still feel guilty about the computer she bought for me on my 14th birthday. She couldn’t made enough money but still, she was doing the thing that my dad didn’t do. She was actually spending that little money she earned for us, for us. She tried to make me happy. She actually bought me some furniture, a bed, a desk a closet and I remember it was a bit rushed, so I couldn’t think it through. I couldn’t block her so she bought this enormous gift for me. It was really nice for a week, I was really excited, but then I started to feel guilty again. I wish this didn’t happen, I wish she didn’t spend all this money for this, i thought. And I was even embarrassed of it, of the furniture i had. Years passed, I went to another city for university and those furniture kept waiting for me. I didn’t use them, so I found someone on the internet and sold all the furniture for like 350 dollars and gave the money to my mom. She was in need of some money then, so it was a nice move. I had a relief by doing this.

So this feeling kind of haunts me. I feel the same thing with him. I feel so guilty because of all the love that is directed towards me. I feel like I cannot love them in the same way and that makes me really upset.

I’m really curious about what these stuff would make you think.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Arden.

He tried to support me every time, even when I didn’t need it. He is still trying to do so while he is under influence. I’m not sure how will I be able to let go of this. I desperately need this support to stay alive.

Dear Anita,

I’ve bought a CBT book with my boyfriend’s recommendation months ago. He didn’t read it as well but he knows about the author and he also knows CBT. However, since he didn’t read it, i didn’t read it as well. I read like 100 pages and then let it go. And the reason is that the book says simple things, so simple that one would stop and think ‘Is that the thing that would make me better? I doubt it.’. Since it’s really basic, i didn’t continue reading it. But even though it’s basic, I have hard time doing that basic stuff. So I will be start reading it again. Not just the book, though. I will be reading stuff about CBT as well.

Thank you again. Usually what makes me feel worse is the first reaction to an event. When something happens and triggers my fear, the first reaction I can give is some kind of shock and anxiety within me. It’s like the anxiety starts from the center of my chest and then it expands. And I keep feeding it, expands more and more. I have to learn not to feed it. And also I have to learn how to handle it and prevent it.

Also, I have to say I’m surprised by your conclusions. It’s mesmerizing.

I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t feel the strength to do anything. I don’t want to come here and complain about stuff and don’t do the things you suggest me to do. He feels guilty, he doesn’t know what to do. He just wants to support me and do whatever I want. All I can want is to finish work today, go home, lay in bed and cry. He waited till I was asleep yesterday. It cost him a lot of time, but I realized something. I recall not being able to sleep in the past. My mom used to try to put me to sleep, wait till I seem asleep and then go mind her business, either smoking and thinking at the balcony or doing whatever she was doing. And this was a never ending cycle. Her thinking that I’m finally asleep, going to the kitchen to smoke cigarettes and then I suddenly wake up and realize she’s not there. So I immediately think that she’s left again. After I find her at the kitchen, I try to express my worries and she tries to put me to sleep again. And this repeats n repeats. I knew I had some sort of problem about being abandoned by it’s more clear now. And in every relationship I had, both romantic or not, I have never felt safe. After the tiniest amount of emptiness, I’ve always thought ‘there you go’. People tend to need that break in the kitchen or balcony, but I couldn’t understand that.

Although, with him, I was able to feel safe. He achieved that, I don’t know why. He is very sincere about his communication, that’s why he expresses every thought. Even the flirting stuff he wanted, he told me and wanted to be honest. Maybe I would be better if he lied. But he has seen somebody yesterday. I told him (before) that ‘I cannot say you not to do something, but this is how I feel about it, and it makes me feel bad.’ So he thought he needed to do that, try that. And gave me chances to say ‘don’t do it’. But I didn’t. So he tried, talked her like a friend. But the flirting part was insincere, he says. He pushed himself to do one thing that contradicted with me and didn’t want to feel like he was not doing anything for himself. He wanted to feel selfish, I guess. But now, he regrets. And I regret that I didn’t say ‘don’t do it’. He says that even I were to forgive him, he won’t be able to do that. But he wants to try, try to be happy with me again. It has been one of the hardest days of 2020. It has been a really hard year. I feel weak, too weak to plan something. I can only try to continue stay alive.