Update to the past posts:

I am more at peace having just stop trying to control what is uncontrollable. What has gotten better, is that with discussion and gentle persuasion, he has found his reality ( his sons are just mooching off of him, want everything to remain the same, and never to grow up, while living there and getting into middle age themselves). They have no relationships and just live in the house as simply as a teenager, with inconsistent low paying jobs.  He knows now that he is being used. One good thing, is his eyes are now wide open and his guilt with them extremely reduced. He knows and sees what I have been gently pointing out for years now. They also serve as spies for Mom, so she can keep track of him.

Divorce doesn’t appear to ever be settled ever. He has even asked the court to consider the judge or a jury to make a settlement and the divorce final under court order. l. It has been 3 1/2 years and it can go on until someone dies. If the two parties cannot agree, there is no divorce. No court will intercede. So that is a fact and reality. He has no savings and no car that is his. The one care she is driving, though in both names. Everything got taken in the bankruptcy 4 years ago. It is now settled and paid off. The only asset is the shared house and she wont sell it, split it or agree to anything. So, that little fact is that it is apparent he will never get divorced. He is prepared and I am aware that he may never be single again. We have spoken of how to make wills and documents to take care of each other, if we do end up together eventually.

As for me, I am accepting of where I am, where he is, and am leaving my future in God’s hands. I continue to live my artificial life, and wait to see how this will all turn out. We do arrange to see each other every 3 months or so. It is all we have at this time. I have told him I will not lose everything I have, to go take care of another man, like I have for the last 20 years or more.

I cant shake that out of my head.

He works 7 days a week when not visiting with me, so I know he is a hard worker, at 65 years of age!. Unable to get any nest egg, as there is always something unexpected, such as Social Security payments held back, or car or house repairs. I see from the wife’s point, if she never settles, he is trapped like a caged animal – not able to leave the paid off house, continue to pay for upkeep. I see him as literally babysitting her house, since she lives with a friend and they both conspire to make sure he is miserable. She has told him to his face, he will die before she ever agrees to settle on any shared assets. And it is all shared assets. But since he lives there for “free” ( his own house he paid for over 40 years) , she doesnt agree to pay for any repairs.

When I am with him, we are so good, kind, loving and gentle with each other. He has had 3 years to show me his personality. and it is always the same and very sweet, even when I get cranky or impatient with his situation and tell him so.  I desire to be with him, and  will just “let it go” for now, as I can only control my own situation in this case. If I should leave and go to him, I stand to lose most of what I have acquired. Also, will be taking on a man with no nest egg. So my head wont allow my heart to lead, no matter how strongly I desire to be with him. I dont even feel guilty anymore. and almost ( but not quite) wish I was found out and let it all blow up!  I have accepted the situation as it is, and look to the future, as that is the hope that keeps us going. We are both in a better place of acceptance and just continue to love each other the best we can, within our limitations.  Maybe something will break open, but it is not something I am banking (hah)  on. It is good to say things I could never say to a friend, so thank you for the space to pour my soul out to the world!

Yes, I do believe as couples grow and mature, they can grow apart, if they are not both on the same page. The expectations change and resentment grows. In their case, he, the small-town factory worker at the beginning, served her needs well. Once he was able to grow and promote himself in the manufacturing business he was in, and finally use the degree he had, it did not serve her needs. Animosity grew,  even as he took her to Tahiti and every Caribbean island out there at least 3 x a year for years, to try and please her the way he only knew how. A disastrous financial bankruptcy in 2008 and  she had him by the short hairs, as it were. He dumped every last dime he had, to save the house, the family ( both sons lost their jobs, and he took his savings to help them save their houses and cars), but it was never enough. So, finally after exhausting everything, he could only go thru bankruptcy, saved their house, and both single sons lost their houses and moved in over 8 years ago and havent left. She has left the home over 3 years ago, but continues to pull the strings at her leisure.

In my case, there was not so much of  that drama, but I always  made to feel belittled and inferior, even though it was my career and my working that saved us during my husband’s bankruptcy..  R-1 opened my eyes very gently to the reality of me being used and then no gratitude on this side either. Just jabs to put me in my place about my looks, my job, my parenting, etc.  Just take and take, and keep me feeling “less than” and thinking whatever I did, wasnt enough.

2 peas in a pod….the best thing is that we both do not have small children that would be affected. We are both older, and our adult sons of us may not like us, but too bad, once we take flight from this.  If we should ultimately not ever be able to get together (one of us dies or gets seriously sick), we have each other in our hearts, and know we were loved unconditionally and adored without  question by each other.

No, the 4th time agreed upon  settlement was to have him get the worth of half the house on 4/28/17. It did not happen. The bank and court notified him on 4/21/17 that the account was no longer active. ( An account that had been her 401K account for dozens of years). It appears to be stalling at it’s finest. So, 4 times he thought it was agreed and signed, and then she filed motions for another idea. In other words, she went back and forth from giving him half the worth and then owning it herself, then stopping that agreement and saying she wants the house sold ( would take months to sell, with commissions, etc) and then backing off of that at the end. She has gone back and forth, the final agreement was signed on Feb 8th, 2017, that he would get a sum from her 401K, he would move out and sign the house over to her with date of payment to the courts and then to him by 4/28/17. No money in the account she had promised to have the bank and court withdraw from, when attempted on 4/21/17. These are the games being played. He had asked for less than 50% of the value of the house, anxious to move on and out, but her vengeance and vindictiveness is stunning. AND she knows nothing of me, she just wants to bury him and wait him out.  We have arranged to see each other once every three months or so, and we are getting older by the minute.