Dear Anita,
Your examples are so clear! As someone who used to own horses, we would place them on the “HotWalker”. The HotWalker was a circular spoke large horizontal ring on a pole that moved like a bicycle wheel on its side. You would hook up your horse or two up to, and it would walk the horse in a circle, to cool down, after a race or workout. They walked around and around, and dug a rut (path) as they walked around and around on this walking wheel. The rut would get deeper and deeper and have to be filled in occasionally. I am digging my rut in the circle I am in. Smile- No power to run away since I am hooked up to the HotWalker. Time to rear up and break free! HI ho Silver, and Away! You make me smile, Anita! Have a good evening! (Francesca would know what I am speaking of, she was on a farm)…..

Hi Anita, ( unseen but well-thought of friend!)
What an exciting thought! F- it, the jig is up. No more pretending. He is so clueless, and he is unaware of my thoughts and feelings.
He has 2 weekdays off, and no weekends. I am off weekends. SO, we never really get much calm face time with each other. Not that communication occurs, because he gets very reactive and voices get raised. Son and him sit on couch and watch sports and jabber about that all day long. I have little interest in sports, and know only some cursory knowledge of the different sports they are interested in. Hate the ESPN on the tube all day long.

I am unafraid of him ” killing” me, but the sad eyes, moping, the grabbing me to hug me and make me stay, are the drama I wish to not have. I do know the day will come, and I will just get fed up with it. I think I am waiting for an angry moment, to energize me and fuel my fire. The issue is that there are few angry moments. Its just day to day living of cooking, washing dishes, working in my home office and computer, feeding the dog, sitting on the couch watching TV. The physical part has been reduced to once every 10 days or so, in a quick in-the dark_ grab at bedtime, since son is down the hall over the summer.

I have been a master of “compartmentalization”, the ability to take feelings/thoughts, box them up temporarily and place on the shelf and move on. I do know the refusal of intimacy will cause the door to open and the S— storm to begin.
There would be no vacation, as R-2 wont be able to control his grief and anger. Also, on a cruise, it is a 10 x 20 cabin, so it could get dangerous, especially fueled with alcohol on his part. I an concerned that the son feeling responsible for his dad, will mean he might shelve the senior year of college and stay home to take care of R-2 and support him emotionally. With his high grades and successes, he would literally being throwing away his future. I know he could do it anyway, but feel better if he doesn’t witness this firsthand and become emotionally distraught at the time. Being away at school may mean R-2 would calm down in a few days and not react to sobbing and crying with his son.

It feels really awful to say, but the taking of his own life (R-2), really doesn’t bother me. If that should happen, I feel no guilt after the life I have given him. I thought last night of how he depends on me for everything, the evolution of the Parent-child relationship that has occurred over the decades. Once the big blow occurs, the biggest problem I see, is getting him to leave the house and start his own life. He has NEVER even learned how to run a washing machine and wash clothes or iron. He has gone from mothers house to roommate who did his housework, to me since the 70’s. As a 64 year old man, this will give him a stroke for sure. I feel like I don’t fear the Big Blow, I fear the “So, Whats next?”. I am unable legally to throw him out since married, and would have to resort to a restraining order. (oh my, shades of the first marriage and Mama’s solution to keep R-1 from me, though a lie and illegal, since I never signed or knew of it). How can I lie with a straight face and say I feel physically threatened?
I may be able to, if I leave the premises. I would go to a hotel, await the grief-stricken and then angry calls, and then feel more righteous in getting a restraining order to get him out and me back in solo. That seems the only way to handle this, and for me to gain control of myself for the drama that will be between us. And there will be drama, as his Mom/ buddy support will be over.

Anita, thank you for your thoughts on this. Soon, very soon, I will be Xena, Princess Warrior, and cut all this crap and move on down the road. Your words will be in my head as I proceed! Me first….. what a novel idea…..

One month gone by now. I am still here. Have saved a lot of money towards my escape plan. The challenge is that each day gets harder and harder to stay. I wanted to stay until my son went back to college in late August. I wanted to stay through the family vacation that will occur the first week of August. It was only to not “ruin and disrupt” the summer for the son home, and to not ruin and disrupt the last vacation as a family. R-2 still clueless and sometimes makes bitchy comments that I don’t like, but smile inside with what I know.
I am getting along very well with son, while he is home. Sometimes we both “roll our eyes” at some of the mindless comments R-2 makes. I have come to the conclusion that I must leave and be on my own for myself. No jumping into another man’s arms to be saved. Nope, I have a good job and a stash of cash. BUT it is getting so hard to wait to make sure everyone else is taken care of, before I leap. It feels like I am trying to control the “hate” level that will be spewed my way, when this occurs.
Another complication is that another good friends couple is now going on the vacation with us. Certainly dont need lots more witnesses to the meltdown. Also, no refunds on the fully paid cruises at this time. Thinking to make things smoother,(just a fraction) for after vacation, and also son going back to the dorms.
R-1 remains patient, understanding and supportive. One of his sons has left for a foreign country, and the other will just stay in the same marital home with the mother, I suppose. R-1 will be moving out on July 1 to his own place. We speak daily, and he seems to be stronger and less guilt-ridden on his home front and so still in love with me, with his cards, letters and phone calls. I do have a PO Box, as well as a second phone, in order to have secure communications. I think I feel like I am treading water. Some days, I feel like I am going under(like today), and feel sad and overwhelmed,waiting, waiting. Just wanted to vent today. I have requested R-1 not to see me over the summer, so I dont have to find another excuse for a few days out of town. Just no mindset to do that for now.
Hi Anita: I see you are busy, busy, trying to plug the holes in the leaking emotional dikes of our lives. Your words are always logical and bring out the solutions our poor battered souls need to be mindful of. All those young people, with such pain and anguish in their stories. I find it interesting that the pain and anguish over relationships has no age limit, no?

Dear Anita,
Just came back from my counseling session who I have seen for over ayear now.
A couple of things were interesting.
1- I deserve to be happy. I have more strength and courage than a year ago. Ready to let go and move one. I am too old to waste another day,,,,though….
2- She felt that waiting until son was back in school at summers end, would be more comfortable to my thoughts. That if he witnessed the drama, meltdown, etc. he may make am impetuous decision to stay and help father, and not go back. He is empathetic and a close son with this father. He would feel, see and hear the drama, and not be able to escape it at the time.
3- She brought up a point I hadn’t thought of : What if R-2 commits suicide? Son and all family, friends will blame me for that. I was so surprised that I didn’t feel guilty with that thought. I feel he makes that choice, its his choice. But if he threatened that, I would make sure he understood that he inst hurting me, he is hurting his son, for the rest of his life. I will feel some sadness over the son’s anger with me, but possibly over time, might come around.
4- Do not wait for R-1 to make his life straight. I need to proceed for me, not him. I dont foresee living with him for several months or even a year. I need to see that his actions speak louder than his words with his sons and their dependencies. She agrees that we have been a gift to each other, building each other up, delighting and making each other happy in our communications and meetings. The real work is ahead.
I feel more confident in my decisions and will lessen the fear that has driven me my whole life. She repeated several times that I <deserve to be happy in myself and not to tolerate any less than I deserve. And with R-1’s help, I have and know that in my heart. Thank you Anita for your thoughts and insight. My motto will continue to be:
“If it is to be, It is up to me”. Will update as situations change….Sayonara!

HI Anita,
thank you for your insight. I feel it is not really correct, though. R-2 is very dependent on me ( almost like a child) to make the household run. I make his lunches for him before he goes to work, I pay all the house bills ( I pay for them myself from my money anyway) and he is quite novice at using a computer for paying bills, researching, etc. I am going to MN next week for work, and he “hates” that I am away and not there. He states that every time, when I go on trips without him. Seems so child-like to me, especially when he says he cant sleep without me next to him in bed. It is almost like leaving a child behind. I know I have created this, as I was always told that is what a “good wife” does. I would survive in a heartbeat without him. I own the house, make my own money, and coordinate his life for him. My reason for leaving, will be stated as not being happy, appreciated and always made to feel inferior by him. No mention of R-1 at first glance. So, his meltdown will transform into seething anger, once the R-1 involvement becomes apparent. IT appears I stayed in this melancholy (for me) marriage, because I felt I was less worthy, not very attractive and this situation is the ” Made your bed, now lie in it ” thought. R-1 expanded my mind, validated my worth, my beauty, my brains, and gave me courage and self-esteem I never had before.

My one concern right now is this: Son home over the summer, they are buddies and have a great father-son relationship. I cringe at thinking of him being home and witnessing the meltdown. I feel R-2 will melt down, and become dependent and clingy with son. Son will feel guilty and may not return for his senior year, due to guilt of watching his father de-compensate. It feels like I should wait until end of August, when vacay over and son back in school. The drama will not be in his face and he would stay
(I think) and cope long distance with it. Of course, if he comes home, that is his choice and I will accept that. Don’t want to put him in the middle of the face to face drama, if I can help it.
I know the phone and texts will blow up, but feel I can control my own emotions at my pace, and control what I will or wont react to. I am sure it is mind-blowing to think Mom and Dad are breaking up 35 years later, and WHY? I am at a point where I don’t need validation or support to make decisions now. Just looking for other viewpoints and do feel you have insights I never thought of. Is my logic about the melt-down reactions sane or am I missing something?
When I think and play the “movie reel” of thinking of going back to him after all this, I feel anxious and nauseated with a big “NO” screaming in my mind. Better to be alone and peaceful and strong, than being the good “housewife/mommy” I have come to know as my role. My delay is based on the above thoughts. Your view is always welcome!