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NanParticipantDear Katie,
I used to be a psych nurse in my younger years. If he is not on medication and stable. run. He will suck you down into his vortex and make you unstable. Just my alarms going off!NanParticipantDear Katie,
Thanks for your thoughts Wish I was 31 again, then I would have 30 years or more with him. As it is, I may only have 10-20 years. ( May end up pushing each others wheelchairs in 20 years). We are both blessed with health and vitality now, so it is all good. I have a knowing in my heart, when the time is right, it will unfold. My angels will whisper in my heart that the time is NOW. whenever that is. Your youth is on your side. Dont worry, the universe lets us know, if we are quiet enough in our mind an heart, to hear through the noise. :}February 9, 2016 at 5:42 am in reply to: What can I do if my wife no longer feels she loves me? #95417NanParticipantIf unable or wife unwilling to go to counseling, or cant afford it, please go to library and get this book:
” Hold Me Tight” author is Dr. Sue Johnson. Very insightful and talks of how to together to have more open communication and open doors for a lifetime of love.
My intuition is that there is someone or something else in her life. I have felt like that before, it was true and the disappearance of taking a drive alone, after the closeness of that date makes me wonder. If she suddenly needs to leave out of town for traveling for her work, red flags would be going up in my head. Do you get a paper bill for cellphone usage? If so, check the phone numbers at the time she left that evening. and you may see something or not during that alone time of driving.
I wouldn’t discount the physical menopause or depression scenario. But, the changes with you, her son and her family members, appears to be secretive and not wanting to be near them, so nothing emotional spills out of her mouth. I have been there and thought I was very clever in concealment, but it eventually gets discovered.
As men always used to say, even if caught in the act…..Deny, deny, deny”. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case, but with a small child involved, wouldn’t want you to be blindsided or the child suffer the distantness that may be occurring, because she might be obsessed with the “What If” of a new situation, and depressions over loss of what might have been in her carefree days before. I am an investigator by trade, so my cynicism sometimes makes my life easier when searching for the truth. Keeping your head in the sand just makes it easier for her, if something is up. If nothing is up, then counseling and your efforts to make things right, like date night, etc are good to repair the relationship that seems to be leaving her melancholy.NanParticipantDear Anita,
Well, until something big or amazing happens, I will post then. Will probably have to start a new post title, as it will be buried in the others if it remains weeks or months to a post.What shall we call it, so you will know it is me right away? I am afraid others might take the “Nan” name, so not sure if you would remember me until I mentioned the Bridges of MC and Francesca’s grip on the truck handle. Give me a suggestion if you like-
Francesca’s Fantasy, Never Too Late, Gone like the Wind?
I live in GA so winter is still hanging on here and every day is cold or warmer, as it is a crazy climate year (La NIna or El Nino, I have forgotten which)..
Hopefully, we wont go senile (a la “Notebook”) before R-1 and my enchanted life and love unfolds…………Need to tell Nicholas Sparks to write something based on my life experiences……….it could be a best seller and give hope to us, no matter what our age! Not just these younger ones breaking engagements or being conveniently single when real love comes calling. Life can be complicated as we so well know…….
Here is my original poem that I had written and you are the only one to see it.
NAN, SHE RAN…..
Nan, she ran, in the blink of an eye,
Nan, she ran, before the ink was dry,
Nan, she ran, she was sinking,
Nan, she ran, without thinking.
Nan, she ran, into freedom, the party life and flair,
Nan, she ran, and didn’t care.
Nan, she ran, and settled to be another one’s wife,
Nan, she ran, and gave up the party life.
The years went by, a decade at a time,
She never once thought of him, it was a crime.
40 years later, she heard a song not heard in dozens of years,
the song she heard brought her to tears.
The lyrics burned the scar in heart,
The lyrics made her fall apart.“….After all the loves in my life,
…..after all the loves in my life,’
You’ll still be the one……………..” (Richard Harris- MacArthur Park)Nan, she cried, sad tears over that song,
What kind of a man would carry a love so far and so long?
Nan, she wished she had known that man in her life,
Nan, she wished she had been his wife.
Nan, she prayed for her angels to make it right,
Nan, she prayed for days and into the night.
The voice, the love came through for her,
As the memories and heartaches buried deep,
Obsessed her thoughts and ruined her sleep.Nan, she ran, into his remembered arms,
Nan, she ran, into his remembered charms.
Nan, she ran, back into his life,
Nan, she ran, to one day be his wife……
…….again.THE END…..
NanParticipantI am good so far. Valentines Day is coming up, and I have to accept that I am going to get a dinner out and some flowers gotten at the grocery store for 19.99 and handed to me. Probably a clumsy card with cartoons on it and kind of frivolous. Also be expecting to reciprocate with sex, as that is what R-2 thinks is loving. That is what is usual and I am OK with it after all these years. Just not disrupting things as not ready with my steps.
It is tolerable and that is because there is a deeply romantic man who out there, who will be sending me a deeply romantic card that brings me to tears. I have a PO Box for work, so he will send it there along with a small gift that I wouldn’t need to explain away. I will sit in the car and weep tears for the past, the present and future. I want to start the car and leave everything behind, and go to R-1. I must be logical at this point and not trash my future and have a hard life in our old age together. How are you doing? I see you are very busy in many forums and you have logical wisdom and give hope to those floundering. Your validation to me has been very important, and made me feel stronger and more fearless for the future. Thank you, I have no close girlfriends that I trust to confess these things, so I am so grateful for your thoughts.
NanParticipantDear Path of Peace,
Dont know how old you are, but I and my husband did not want kids for forever! I had my one and only child at age 41 after 15 years of marriage, due to going off the Pill after 20 years, and having an alternate method fail.. Even thought my husband was resistant at first, this child is the love of his life, and he would slay dragons for him now. SO, depending on your age and hers, anything is possible! The funny thing, is now when we go to the movies, we can get 1 child rate and 2 senior citizens rate! Going to the PTA meetings and being on AARP, as well as being the oldest couple at Lamaze. Life is an adventure!. It will feel right, at the right time…..NanParticipantHello again, Anita…
Baby steps included researching the actual divorce/separation laws in my state. Also, figuring out how I can get a loan off of my 401K, to get some 5-6K to live on, if R-2 wont leave the house in several weeks after I leave. I would still need to pay the mortgage and bills for one more month, as well as have somewhere to live and pay for it on my own. I will not go to live with R-1, immediately, in order to demonstrate that this isn’t the reason I am leaving. Also, wont be tangible proof of infidelity if that is pursued by R-2.
I have copies of all current financials, and since we have separate accounts, I know his account #’s and his financials also.
I have gathered a Rolodex of all his online credit cards and other accounts with all the passwords, etc, to give to him, so he wont be depending on me anymore. Right now, I pay the online CC and other bills of his, at his direction. He don’t like the computer, so I am the caretaker on that. Once I leave, then he will have his info and need to figure it out.There is nothing of real value in this house, and I wont be dickering about sofa’s or stuff, so I don’t care what he wants. If he refuses to leave the house, I will not keep paying on it. He can start paying or I can foreclose. I don’t give a damn, except that it will trash my credit and I know that. The only value I have is my little dog, so have researched for hotels/ extended stays that take pets.
He will not pay the son’s tuition going forward when I leave, as he will need to pay rent and his living expenses and not pay the monthly tuition bill. I will negotiate through my lawyer, how to pay that if he refuses. I do know he has nearly 40K in his private checking account( such a saver, huh?), so he can start paying his own life and probably could pay son’s last year of college. If he refuses, I will cash out a small 401K of mine and pay it, with advice from lawyer as part of how to negotiate later on.
I am not immediately concerned with immediate divorce, as it takes a year of “desertion” on the simplest terms. I own my car and have my own credit. There is nothing shared, except his joint checking account (I don’t touch, its his). I have separate checking, etc, so it will be a blip on the screen from that standpoint. Lawyer costs will be about 5K, so will need to save for that also.
My only real “unknown” is the actual leaving, where to stay, and what happens if he just wont move on, such as not leaving the house, quitting his job, just not functioning and finding his place to stay? Remember we are older, and he aint no spring chicken anymore. I am concerned he may fall apart, and the burden will be on me, since I initiated it. My other concern is that the cell phone wont stop ringing, with begging, threats, tears, etc. I will have to set boundaries on what I can or cant take with this.
R-1 states he is going to be my strength and my wall, when the sh… storms come. We may visit each other frequently,and share weekends together, but I wont jump from one man to the other immediately. We live several states apart. I am independent, and don’t need to be taken care of, except emotionally for now. I am thinking that I will be making my move in the spring or summer this year. My job is less intense and I can take absences longer, after the spring, if needed, as i have lots of vacation time to take. I remain as is, for now.
R-1 talks of taking several weeks vacation with me, to the most romantic place of Bora Bora, Tahiti for my mental and emotional health when the time comes.( He aint rich, but states he would spend his last dime to show his love). He never pressures and gives no ultimatums, just wants me to be happy. He deeply understands my fears and feels a little compassion for his old friend R-2_), and wishes him no harm. He just wants to love me in ways I have never been used to. He is enchanting and so excessively in love with me, it blows me away. I have deep love for him and his gentle, sweet ways. Never had that before, always some macho “posturing” from the men I dated before marrying again.
Once I burned my candle at both ends after my childhood divorce, I see that I had always thought his(R-1) kind ways were boring. We are now older by 4 decades, and this is my heart’s desire- to live in peace and be adored and cherished by R-1.
I have had 2 years to figure if this was a fantasy, a lie or other delusion on my part or his. It is not, it is an enchanted and deeply spiritual connection between us, and we want to be happy, for the time we have left on this earth..Our wedding anniversary was yesterday, and he had sent me an anniversary card with 2/4/1974 in the corner, as he has always said he never forgot me ever. He says he hopes to have a new lifetime with me, for the years we have left. I also received flowers today – 40 deep pink roses, and 1 white one. I was home alone, so it was fine. He told me it was for the last 40 years, and the white one was for the best, most perfect year of his life being married to me. Corny, but intoxicating, coming from his mouth. I kept the white rose, and took the rest to the nursing home nearby, to have them give to the ladies in the rest home. I know he spent about $300 on this, what a silly but wonderful man. He isn’t angry that i sent it away, he knows and understands and knew I had to do something with them.. He just wanted me to have a concrete tangible expression of his deep desire to be with me. Sigh……what a story, huh?
Nan, she ran, into his arms……………smile…..NanParticipantHello again Anita,
To make it less confusing, I am going to code them R-1 (college husband#1) and R-2 (current husband#2) Both have names starting with R.
I have had two major blow-ups with R-2 in all these years married. In those 2 blow-ups, I was pushed back onto the bed, or pushed up against a wall and screamed at inches from my face. A few drinks also exacerbated the scene. His (R-2) M.O. is to always subtlety confront in a public setting (restaurant, bar, etc). That way, I have to be controlled and aware of my surroundings, as he also aware. If my voice raises, then his reminder that we are in public stops me from really ranting. Also, hard to leave then, since we came in one car and I am the one usually driving. These happen nearly monthly, but they don’t escalate and I just remain silent and it blows over.
The 2 major blow ups in 35 years were later at home that same night after the dinner out, then it escalated. The last time (6 years ago) , I wanted to grab my keys and go, but R-2 grabbed them first and wouldn’t let me go. You have to go down 2 flights of stairs to get to the garage, and he blocked the doors to the garage and pushed me back. There is no punching or such, just pushing me back.
Do you know the insane jealousy and anger, if he finds out the situation with R-1? R-1 met me at one of R-2’s parties at the time,and we fell for each other hard.
History: I was casually dating R-2 and didn’t think he would even care, as we weren’t serious or even consummated anything.
(Again, gotta love those 70’s and the Pill!) R-2 and R-1(was dating both) had a fist fight over me (drama!) in the Holiday Inn parking lot in 1973.I was there and found out it was instigated by my mother, who called R-2 that I was going out with R-1 and didn’t he want to know that? Mother again, deeply troubled and threatened for my deep affection for R-1. I was deeply in love with R-1and left with him after telling R-2 in the parking lot, that he has no claims on me, and I was going with R-1, and left in R-1’s car. . Of course, then my mother refused to let me see R-1 much and even locked the gates to her house, so he couldn’t come over. I had to meet him for a few hours at school and on weekends. That is why I married in 1974 at 19, after running away to his mother’s house on my bicycle. She blocked me at every turn. He was such a sweet guy, but once I got my freedom from the oppressive mother, I wanted to party hard, as I had not been allowed to at home. My R-1 worked 2 jobs for us and we disconnected emotionally as we had different hours. I went to school and a part time job during day hours, and R-1 worked days starting at 6 am and worked til nearly 11 at night. Also, we had twin beds, as that how the apartment was furnished. In hindsight, it also added to the disconnect, as we were like ships in the night. He was so tired, and I was the college girl! He was not into discos and partying, and was more serious than fidgety young me. After all that, I basically got bored and wanted freedom. Needless to say, I am very different now, and his calm, gentle and sweet demeanor enchant me now. He calls me daily. We do have a deep connection, and regret the misfires of before.R-2 found out about our communication one year ago, cried, collapsed and yelled, ” That F……r is still in my life, that SOB!” I denied any feelings and said it was just a mild flirt via Facebook and since then, he doesn’t know I still communicate or see him around every 4-6 months or so. R-2 became super sweet then and nothing like his usual nature for about 5 months, and then went back to his usual ways of whining about his life is lousy and his suffering in this life.
Its too late, I don’t feel anything but numbness for R-2. I keep the “game face” on at all times. and don’t let him get under my skin, because I basically don’t care anymore. He knows nothing, as I don’t want to have anyone physically threatened or hunted down. I have not seen an aggressive side, but don’t want to tempt it. My feeling is that if R-2 has nothing to lose, he will rain anger and possible vengeance over his meal ticket/convenience person being taken from him at this late in the game. As you can seen, the entire scene before when he found out, was “What about Me?” again. He never once asked if I was happy, or even cared why I communicated with him. Its all about him. Always has been.
Baby steps, baby steps…..NanParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, I have had a “melancholy” marriage for a dozen years or more. You know the one, where something is missing, but cant put your thoughts clearly on what it is? NO fights, no arguments, just feeling taken for granted. I rarely asked for discussions, because the discussions would deteriorate into “How miserable can you be? What about me?” He always mentioned how my education and life were so much better than his. It is because I am college-educated and continued to push for higher jobs ambitiously. This is a man who didnt know how to work a computer, until forced to learn a little through his low-level jobs. I had thought when he was unemployed for about 18 months 10 years ago, he would have taken some courses or learning to find a skill or job he could do. Nope, he laid on the couch, but did clean the house and cook meals while I worked and paid everything. He remains in lower level jobs, and that is why I am the breadwinner, and he is the saver. I have always never bitched or moaned, because he always said he had a lousy life, and why am I complaining? I have a career, etc……….. the negotiation between us ( or actually the mandate to me) was that he would save his money for us, and I would pay the bills. To be honest, he has been a good saver, but I know not to touch it. Still feels like “his money” and “my money” separate. We do have separate checking accounts.
Have spoken to a lawyer, about the “What if” on this.. It appears in this state, there is no “no-fault”, so either have to have desertion for one year, or infidelity or mental illness, as a cause. After that, then the finances are initially split 50/50, and then negotiations start. This means I may be subject to alimony payments to him, because I make more. Also, in this backward state, if infidelity, desertion, etc are the reason, the person who is at fault, will be subject to having to give more to the “injured party”. So, I know what could happen in worst case scenario. Oh well, cant take it with you, huh?
I also may be liable for paying the exorbitant tuition for the son to finish his last year. I know the storm will be abominable, but have to be tolerated.
Thank you for your logical kindness.!NanParticipantHI Anita,
My 20 year old son is in college, junior year. He know nothing of what is in my mind or heart. Not his businees at the moment, as he is very enmeshed and friendly with his dad ( my husband), calling and texting dialy to talk about sports, and college life with him. He does call me once in awhile when needing an academic question or advice, and to let me know he needs books ordered or etc, about school. See, I am the academic one and Dad is the sports buddy. I know nothing of sports and couldnt be bored more with it. So, we have our roles with kiddo.
My son will contact me and tell me what a “skank” I am if not worse words. He doesnt understand, as he has never had a serious girlfriend and quite the player as it were. Feels women are a “pain in the …ss.
So, I am good with that, I know deep within me, that I gave it all for him and made sure he was confident, strong and serious about his education. ( Dirty, dark secret, I have 5 abortions before him, as pressed by my husband and how a kid wouldn’t fit in our life at the time). I finally grew some cahones, and defied my husband on the 6th pregnancy and he backed down, but not after a month of attempting to strongly coerce me to have another abortion. Secretly, I wanted a child so much, but acquiesced to him every time. So ironic that they are the best of buddies now. Absolutely no one knows of this, except my husband and me.You are correct, on the releasing. It is ME that has to leave, even though it is my house and my belongings. I cant speak logically or calmly to the husband, not sure of emotional collapse or violence that may come of it. We have never soulfully talked, as he is uncomfortable with being insightful. I am saving money in order to pay for a hotel room for about 3 weeks at the cost of a couple thousand. Drop a letter with short concise info, as in ”
Cant do this anymore, dont have it in me anymore, no love anymore?. WIll not bring up other, as this will just have hime focus his rage on the other and how that bastard came back around again! ( tHOUGH IT HAS BEEN 40 yEARS).If he doesn not vacate the hosue in 3 weeks, I will calmly tell him I cant pay an aprtment for myself, and the house, so I am wiling to foreclose it, I dont give a damn. That is what I am prepared to do. Having paid for everything, he will need to start paying his way in this life, as I have spent most of my money and he has saved his. Let him take his savings ( 40K) and make a life for himself. Material things dont mean a damn thing to me anymore, and once the timing is right, I will bounce from this. I have a high level super-responsible job, so have to wait a few months til June, when I can take some time off for the storms that will engulf me. I will definitely live alone, so I can figure out my next step. My beloved can come visit or I with him for a few days at a time, until the storms settle down. That be my plan so far. You thoughts?NanParticipantIf it bothers you and he is aware, why would he want to continue with the behavior? Respect is a key component of the love relationship. Of course there are different levels of flirting, so it could be minor, or it could be interpreted ( mistakenly) by the receiver, as being desired and/or wanted by the flirter. Is it done in front of you, as that would be quite disrespectful to you, as it would appear to outsiders that he is looking for something more than what he has with you. Define what you observe with the “over friendly” you state earlier? Was he like this with you when courting you before becoming significant with you? Can others interpret this as his interest in them?
NanParticipantHI Anita,
I know we need to focus on the present, “Be Here Now”. But we look to the future with hope, faith and planning for it.
If I was 30, then I could delay and delay, thinking we could wait, since we had plenty of time of the future. So, I take one day at a time. Grateful for the insight that an unconditional love brings to me. even now, so late in life. Never experienced that before. SO, just putting one foot in front of the other each day. Emotionally sleepwalking. waiting for the day to be released from the fake life I am currently living.NanParticipantLatest Quote
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” ~Tony GaskinsThe quote above, is from the front page of this site…saw it today.
NanParticipantHi Lauren,
The prior post concerned me. The statement he made, about the excuse of his controlling father and that is why he acts the way he does. It smells like an excuse. Be aware that he is basically saying ” I cant help it, take it or leave it”… if he doesnt show interest or need to change.
Why does he get an excuse and you have to swallow it? I have swallowed this for 35 years and realize I kept bending to him and never thinking I needed attention, love or affection. Continue therapy, but with your eyes open. I wasted 35 years in a marriage the same non-attention, love or affection. It was always “my fault somehow” when I tried to make things better. The problem was always me, not him, in his eyes.
Counseling helps, as long as the therapist hears both sides without judgement, and the couple make efforts. Is he making efforts after counseling, or is it still your problem, without changes from his side? Seems he likes his live-in housekeeper and maid, and doesn’t feel he needs to make changes. Dont have a baby in this unstable environment, It would be sad. HOw much are you willing to bend?NanParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your opinion and thoughts. Sometimes we just need validation that we aren’t crazy. Illogical yes, but not crazy. Being logical sometimes withers your soul, because it is ” the right thing to do”, even if your heart is aching.I have had two years to work through all the “what if’s” legally, financially and emotionally. I worked through all the guilt, as I visioned what a life unloved would look like. I realize that Not to Decide, is to Decide.
So, I am aware that I may lose much, such as having to pay alimony, due to me making more all these years. I plan to not drag out these issues should they come. I will sell the house, and probably pay to the husband, in lieu of the alimony, and/or to pay for son’s last year of college tuition. I cant take it with me, and am healthy enough to work and continue…..cant take in the coffin with me, no?As for the son hating me, oh well! I was the best mom I could be, and literally put my life, interests and time into him as he grew up. He is confident, assured, and is on Dean’s List each and every year so far. I feel that I am still his mom. He has a very loving relationship with his father and me, and that will be what will horrify him, my leaving. I assume he will be bitter and cold towards me for a few years and then maybe come back around. If not, then I will accept that also.
I don’t feel you are being impulsive with me, I have worked through this for 2 years. I used to waver on the fence, but was confusing guilt and “being needed” with love. I am clear on what I need for my happiness and want it to occur.Right now, it’s all about timing……….when,,,,,when ………when…….I have prayed as well as just thrown my dilemma out to the universe, and await the answer. It will be revealed when the time is ready. That is what gives me peace and hope. Also, I have my patient beloved, who only wants my happiness, even if it tore him apart. He is gentle, kind and a beautiful soul, who never pressures or urges me before I am ready. I am stashing little bits of money away to have ready cash to make the leap. Too independent still, to have a man take care of me totally!
Thank you again for your time and consideration! Never thought I would be in this swirl so late in life, but as the saying goes: ” We make plans, and God laughs!” How true! Just wish I hadn’t wasted 40 years, to find my real soul happiness, in spite of the manipulation and lies I had been given, to destroy my first love those many years ago.
I don’t have any close girlfriends that would be trusted and nonjudgmental, so this was really helpful to me and bless you! -
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 