Is this what a normal relationship feels like?

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 11, 2016 at 1:39 am #95773

Katie
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for coming up to two years now and as much as I love him and am attached to him. I’m starting to feel frustrated.
He is bipolar and sometimes it’s difficult to understand how much that can affect his mood, it often feels like by the time ive realised the way he’s acting is a result of an episode, it’s to late and we’re already embroiled in an arguement.
As much as I want to understand, over time I’m beggining to find his view during episodes frustrating and frankly annoying. I don’t know if the way he acts is a result of a manic mind or if he’s always this person and jsut doesn’t act upon it when he’s feeling balanced.
For example, usually he’s quite a jealous person, I’ve come to understand that, and it’s okay, because I am and there is part of me that enjoys it, but when he manic he will have dreams that I’m cheating on him or going to leave him and he carries those feelings over into the real world and gets quiet and unresponsive with me. Even after I’ve tried to console him, which then makes me really mad because I feel like I’m being punished. Then I become arguementative. It’s worth mentioning that I never do anything to make him jealous, I’m very loyal and am very concious of staying within the lines of what he would find acceptable interaction with others even when he’s not there.
When he’s manic he also begins to hate himself so irrationally so that nothing that I say gets through to him, again this is frustrating to me because I try and try and I know that it’s down to him to love himself but sometimes I wish I could convince him a little bit, his dismissal of this makes me feel like I don’t really matter to him, maybe that’s selfish, I’m not sure. I also find it kind of pathetic to self loathe and if I’m being honest it isn’t attractive, it makes me feel irate and to me it’s beyond comprehension that he would despise himself so much. It also frustrates me that it creates this sort of cycle.
Were long distance which is difficult but I see him as much as possible. I keep trying to convince him to move here but it’s seems like sometimes he’s excited by the prospect, other times he just uses it as another excuse to very frustrated and self loathe that he hasn’t done it already.

I really want this relationship to work, there are so many things I love about it. But this self hating behaviour is destroying us and I feel stuck. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more distant, which I’m almost lying to myself about, I don’t know what to do

February 11, 2016 at 4:36 am #95779

Inky
Participant

Hi Katie,

Is he on medication or getting treatment for the bi-polar? That is the most important thing.

If you are long distance, that is good news because IMHO now is the time to move on.

You really should not deal with someone who doesn’t have their mental/physical health under control as you are not his spouse or doctor. It’s not fair to him and not fair to you. You can barely handle him long distance, how would you handle him every day?

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to hear.

Good Luck,

Inky

February 11, 2016 at 5:06 am #95783

HippieChick
Participant

In short and to answer the question that’s the title to your post….no, this is not what a normal relationship feels like.

And one of the biggest problems in your relationship, even bigger than the bipolar disorder, is going to be the self esteem issue he has. It’s the basis for his extreme jealousy and is not healthy for him, you or the relationship. I know from personal experience. It may SEEM like he’s that much into you when he gets jealous over you….but it’s not normal to carry dreams over to the real life to the point that it causes arguments. He needs to deal with those feelings and issues. And you need to deal with your own until both of you are secure with yourselves. Only then can either of you experience a NORMAL relationship.

February 11, 2016 at 7:16 am #95784

Nan
Participant

Dear Katie,
I used to be a psych nurse in my younger years. If he is not on medication and stable. run. He will suck you down into his vortex and make you unstable. Just my alarms going off!

February 11, 2016 at 2:41 pm #95818

Anonymous
Guest

Dear katieA:

About psychiatric diagnoses: they are about grouping symptoms under a title, such as bi polar and hundreds if not thousands psychiatric diagnoses currently existing. Simplified, if your personal combination of symptoms cause you distress and you seek help for it and other people are distressed and seek help for very similar group of symptoms, if that particular combination of symptoms are not already grouped under a diagnostic title, they can be suggested as a new grouping under a new title. And there will be new titles as new ones are suggested and approved as the years and decades go by.

Each group of symptoms is just that, nothing to do with root causes. Simplified, under each grouping of psychiatric symptoms is this root cause: a hurt and scared child.

And so, you and your boyfriend are having a relationship. This is an opportunity for the two of you to join forces and help each other with healing the root causes of distress that are similar for both of you: the hurt and scared child that is inside you and inside him. I wouldn’t get caught up in a diagnosis meaning there is something weird or bizarre or unique about your boyfriend that is alien to you. You can work together to help each other heal the pains that you do share.

For example, your boyfriend hating himself; do you hate yourself too, sometimes? Do you hate it when you hate yourself? There is something you can help each other with.

The injuries that he suffered and that you suffered in your own individual childhoods can heal in the context of a healing relationship. I hope yours will be that, a mutually healing relationship.

Please do post again with your thoughts and developments.

anita

February 12, 2016 at 9:22 am #95897

Katie
Participant

Hello all,

First of all thank you for taking the time to give me your advice. That in itself is massively comforting.

As asked he is not currently on medication which is where a lot of our problems come from, it’s difficult to know when he’s actually having a genuine relationship based problem and when he’s actually having an episode and that’s where his emotions are coming from. There is part of me that doesn’t want to care about that and juse wants to see the way it’s affecting me, but because we’ve been together for a while I also feel like I have a responsibility to try to understand him and his moods and not just leave him because it’s difficult.

In terms of the self hate that I mentioned. You’re right I think it’s something I dislike so strongly because I see it as an unacceptable trait within myself so it’s difficult for me to understand how someone can self loathe so willingly. Again. I’m not sure if that is his bipolar.

I feel stuck because growing up I lived in a house where my mother’s first option upon encountering a problem in her relationships was to just run and move on, meaning that she never really built a solI’d foundation for herself. So there is part of me that worries that’s what I’m trying to do, and I’m just running away, at the first sign of difficulty. I think adding bipolar into the mix really doesn’t make it a complex situation.

I guess the solution I want is to understand how to talk to my boyfriend in a way that he doesn’t find threatening. I asked him to start taking medication to which he refused and got mad because he feels that I’m trying to banish the things I don’t like about it. Which is partiality true. Is it wrong of me to ask that of him?

Again. Thank you so much for replying. I do really appreciate it.

February 12, 2016 at 10:25 am #95903

Anonymous
Guest

Dear katie:

You wrote that your mother used to run away at the first difficulty in her relationships. You are trying to not be like her and not run away, that is to not end the relationship with your boyfriend because of the difficulties there.

I hope in trying to not be like your mother in this regard, that you are not taking the opposite, 180 degrees opposite and enduring too many difficulties in a relationship and maintaining it while being damaged by it.

Regardless of your boyfriend’s bipolar, if his behaviors for one thing, are abusive, whatever diagnosis does not justify you being in an abusive relationship. And regardless of his diagnosis he is still responsible for his behaviors. It is his responsibility to heal. It is a shame that people were victimized as children, as he must have been, and has become injured as a result. And … still, he is the only ones who can take on the healing journey and he is the one responsible to do so.

You can help but he has to take it on.

Your primary responsibility, since your boyfriend is not your minor child, is to take care of yourself.

More thoughts?

anita

February 17, 2016 at 3:23 am #96259

Katie
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thanks again for your reply.

I think there is part of me that wants to hold onto the relationship so as not to be a ‘quitter’ as such, like my mother. But there is also a large part of me that cares for and loves my partner.

I agree with you completely about his behaviours being his responsibility, but I want to help him because if I don’t it’s going to kill our relationship. After your advice a few days ago I felt like standing up for myself more and told him that the way he is acting is unacceptable and it’s hurting me. After this he changed, and has continually apologised but he’s still manic and I’m still frustrated by the things he says and the way he acts. Should i be giving him space when he’s in this headspace? or is that cruel on my behalf?

I appreciate your time, thank you.

February 17, 2016 at 4:46 am #96262
Samwise
Participant
Sometimes quitting is the best you can do for yourself. You already caught yourself with bad feelings toward him. You said you talked to him about your feelings and the meds. If the mood swings are like you say, he needs to start treatment for the best of the relationship. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. I say you put yourself first and walk away from a relationship that is not making you happy. End a relationship where that other person isn’t willing to put in the work. To be 100% honest, this relationship seems normal nowadays since most people are in crappy relationships. You already know what you want to do. This for the rest of your life? No, thanks. Btw, you are not your mom. Sometimes walking away is the right answer.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Samwise.
February 17, 2016 at 8:11 am #96276

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Katie:

It seems to me that you feel that this relationship benefits you in some important ways, this is why you value it so much and willing to go through the tough times in it, endure lots of distress so to maintain the relationship. Maybe you can make a list of Pros and Cons to the relationship, even here on this thread, if you’d like. Pros would be what good is it doing for you and Cons would be what damage it is doing to you.

For as long as you choose to maintain the relationship being respectfully assertive with him is definitely always the right way to go for the purpose of maintaining the relationship and helping him, you and the relationship. IF you try to help him and the relationship by being submissive, passive, unassertive… you are doing great disservice to you, him and the relationship.

He should learn some basic interpersonal skills to guide him on how to behave when he feels manic/ crappy. Maybe he doesn’t know that he has the option of behaving differently, choosing his behavior instead of automatically reacting to how he feels. There are resources on interpersonal skills. One of these is simply being respectful at all times. In a couple therapy, if you attended such, the therapist would be teaching him in specific ways how to choose the words, tone etc in expressing himself so that he expresses himself and is being respectful at the same time.

Regarding giving him space when he is in a certain way… if that way is distressing to you, absolutely! It is not cruel to take care of yourself- it is the right thing to do for you (and for him and for the relationship).

Your well being first though, then the maintenance of the relationship- I like this order of priority.

anita
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