Dear Anita,

Again I am so sorry for the delay in my response. Working 3 jobs now. Honestly not sure if I am doing it just for the saving benefits or because I am running away from myself. Thank you SOOOO much for your last post. I wish I could hug you because you sometimes save me from my thoughts. You are so wise and I am grateful. I am feeling much better since that night I wrote you but I won’t lie I still ponder my mom and the guilt but I resort back to things I know are true and have screenshots of what you write and it helps me calm down.

In response to your post back on 3/27, I’ll give you an update to where I am at. I am still saving. And doing very well at it even with my slight shopping addiction as of late. I am up to 7500 in savings. I am not giving it away or even pondering it. I am so thankful to have had the courage to save this and actually believe that I can afford a down payment and attempt to accomplish this huge goal for myself of owning a small condo. It makes me feel so good because this time last year I couldn’t imagine believing in myself this way. I do feel good enough for goals!!

I am learning that I have to get away from the drops of love I receive from family. I have accepted that but having a hard time doing it. Lately family has given me some help, atleast being with them. I am still not in much contact with my brother Daniel (the one we refer to as my younger brother but he is older.) It is hurting me though Anita. I love that boy. He has always been by my side. We both weren’t taught correctly how to love ourselves or others. I have deep empathy for him and know his heart is good. I think I am going to ask him to dinner and tell him how I feel about him giving me drops of love and neglecting me in my time of need. I don’t wish to have the same relationship we had but I would like to be on talking terms with him. I love him, him and his daughter are two of the people I love most in this world. Some days I think I need to be strong enough to love myself and make new relationships but still have to do with my family. Because I know should I ever be desperate and need help my family will be there. Any one of them. I just need to learn to heal from codependency and realize I can have my own life and beliefs and still love family from a distance. What do you think?

Also regarding my ex, you are very right. Lately, even though I think of him often, I have no urge to reach out or even know how he is doing. I am on a journey healing myself and that is most important. It does hurt me that we are all suffering though. No one is perfect, which is hard for me to accept because I always try to be. That is something I have been struggling with as well but that is for another day. As well as all the insight I have been having about my mothers life and all the good things I learned from her.

I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself.

Hi Anita,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Working two jobs has me tired and my mind has been all over the place lately. Is it weird that I can’t remember much? I think I have been ok. I actually have been feeling decent. I have been trying not to let things bother me and move forward. Any ways you are correct on everything you said in your previous reply. It sometimes amazes me how you hit things on the nose. I am still struggling to accept my family as it is. It is my biggest trouble. I want nothing more than a support system with them. With love and kindness. I want us to build a better relationship but I have such back lash from people. From everyone it seems. As for my ex, you are right. Find out he was a narcissist was relieving I will say but did not clear me of my responsibility. I understand why you would think that. But I realized how much of a part I played. It was hard and I still to this day do it sometimes and I have to remember to have compassion for myself and know that my up bringing caused many bad behaviors. I take full responsibility. As you said I was not a self, I had no confidence and I honestly was looking for him to save me. That is the truth. But I did love him, and respect and was loyal to a fault. He knew I had no confidence or sense of self and took advantage that is also true. He knew I was lost and played on it. I was willing to get help. I was in therapy dealing with my childhood so I could be a better woman. His narcissistic behavior was very real, it’s hard for me to explain that to you because I feel that you don’t trust that. But in my heart I know he is. Lot of my abuse was a reaction to his gas lighting and devaluing of me. It does not take from the fact that I played a huge roll by allowing this and by abusing him back. It was a huge mess and to this very moment still hurts and kills me. I wish it weren’t so. I wish we could fix it. I have grown so much but I know he hasn’t.

I have not spoken much at all to my older brother and wife. He confronted me and I had a very assertive talk with him on how I believe he is controlling and manipulating. It was deep and so hard but I did it. They have been distant since. My other brother has been absorbed by his girlfriend and we haven’t spoken. I still pick up my niece and take her out and have seen him in passing and he is very aggressive and mean. This one hurts me most as he was my best friend and the one person in my family I thought I could trust. I am still struggling with this. I haven’t had much to do with my father. I have had alot of friend also confront me on my new attitude. I am struggling a bit right now. It is so hard to fight my mind sometimes. I have gone 30 years being a people pleaser so sometimes I feel so guilty for standing my ground. I feel like people need me. I have always been stronger and helped people. I realize how hurt and damaged these people really are. To be so cruel as my ex he must be so hurt deep down inside. This bothers me.

I am in a weird place these days but striving each day to move forward and take care of me.

Would love to hear from you.

Thanks Anita 🙂

Hi Anita,

So during our relationship he was using phone chat lines and staying in contact with woman he met who were from all over the states. He would receive money from some and was giving money to some. There was only 1 physical relationship he had that I know of during our time together. He was saying he was at work and going to meet up with a woman for what seems like years. I’m not sure how frequent or how sexual but I found pictures from 2 years of them on her Facebook account. There may have been more physical but I am not sure. Also this man is blind, I did drive him everywhere when we were together besides work. He uses a transportation service. But since we were together most of the time I did all the driving but he is a very independent blind man which may be hard to envision for some. He is cabable of getting around through a service, through uber and lyft services as well.

And yes, this woman met him at his place, come to find out only 3 times and I guess during those 3 times “tried to get pregnant”. I know it’s sounds crazy….it is!!!!!

Regardless, I’m not sure why I reached out or continue to look for closure when I’m sure you can agree closure is slapping me in the face with all of the disgusting things he did and continues to do.

I guess the hardest part is accepting I was just another girl to him. It seems that way since he continues an exact pattern except with me it was long term, we lived together and joined families. So it seems I was the main course and these other woman were side dishes. So gross. So hurtful! For me and for these women he pathologically lies to! Narcissistic? I think so ?

Anita,

My therapist did meet him twice in couples counseling. It wasn’t then she considered him a narcissist. But she did know that he made me out to be the crazy one always. He did expect me to be perfect and she always asked me to look outside of myself and to stop blaming myself. Describing his mother to her in therapy as she was a main stressor my therapist said she had narcissistic traits and didn’t seem to make me feel good. I am not crazy in or out of a intimate relationship. I do have wounds and bad reactions that I believe I am working on. I am happy to hear you are now BPD free and in a healthy relationship. It is nice when sometime actively chooses to look into themselves and change, my ex does not have that gift.

I know we are all human but have you ever read these stories? They are not typical. I know there are a**holes in this world but what these people do is cruel and planned out yes it is. My ex didn’t get a financial benefit from me but he benefited very much. He was a blind man and I was his trophy woman. I made him look good. His family adored me to begin with and so did he. What he benefited from? I was his guide, I did EVERYTHING for him. I drove him everywhere, I was his woman and caretaker you can say. I was made to be perfect for him and his family. That’s what they expected and yes it was my wounds that allowed me to put up with it. Now after learning I would say I am not perfect, take it or leave it. But I please and pleased until I couldn’t take it. And then I heard of boundaries and started to put them up. Saying no to things and expecting more from him as he should have and he was going behind my back finding a replacement all along because he knows no one can keep up with a perfect image. That is intentional and that is not human! He admitted many things before I left. I asked him if he was a narcissist and he stuttered out of the question and said he couldn’t be full blown because he does have some empathy but he knew exactly what I meant.

What human being, plans a proposal with my family for me, and lays in bed with me the night before I learned of his double life discussing loving me and dying to spend the rest of his life with me. Only to find out he was discussing his with other women the same exact night!!! Then I leave we brake up and tells me he is suicidal because I left him and he is so alone. All about him, had no empthay for how crushed I was. No empathy for destroying our life. He said sorry many times but I believe he was sorry he was caught and exposed and that’s what triggered suicidal thoughts. “He was alone” that’s what he benefited from, my company and my doing what “he needed”!

i wish I had the energy to think and give you more examples but this discussion is exhausting.

🙁

Hi Anita,

Yes there are covert and overt narcissist. I do believe in it just because I have been on Quora and spoke to so many women who dealth with the exact same thing I did. Ok so here is a list of the criteria, but first let me say that yes he was good to me for years at least that is what I thought. But I see now everything he did secured me to stay with him. I hate to look at it like that but it seems that way. Here is a list..

Every time we fought it turned out it was my fault. For years I was confused because I thought I was being the best women I could be and it seemed like nothing I could do was right. ( I now realize he used subtle ways of convincing me of doubting my own judgement.)

He never gave me any space but somehow convinced me I was the clingy one who never gave him space. When I look back there were times he frustrated me and I would say please just give me some time and he would pick at me until I exploded. I now see that he purposely wanted me to explode so that the initial crime he committed was forgotten, now we could focus on my anger instead of him taking accountability.

I couldn’t say no to him or his family. I mean yes I could, but not without being guilted into feeling bad for doing something for myself.

Him and his family were amazing to me in the beginning, I thought I found a golden family. As soon as I started to enforce boundaries I seen the masks falling. I seen them isolate me. I seen them talk behind my back. I am no angel but I did not deserve any of this yet he convinced me I was.

He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it. Do not get me wrong I have my own problems and wounds as you know but he confused me to the point I did not trust myself. I couldn’t even make decisions. on my own for the simplest thing. Now being away from him the freedom I have to choose for myself feels so good and guilt free.

I found out in the end he was speaking on chat lines to over 50 women. And was meeting up with an ex when he was “supposedly” at work. When I caught him he said he had an addiction to being validated. He said he didn’t know what wrong with him. That he needs attention. And that is one thing I believe. I don’t think he truly was aware of his behaviors. It’s his way of survival. And this in case you are wondering is why I still miss him. I seen him at his best and worst. I miss his best and feel terrible that he feels he needs this constant validation because he feels so low. But I do understand it is not my place to fix him. That is progress for me because I have always felt like I can fix people.

There is more but cannot think of it now.

The man is on a rampage now. Women have contacted me on social media asking if we were together because they feel he is lying to them. Multiple women and he is pathologically lying to them as well now. I feel bad for him some days on the days I don’t hate him for how he betrayed me.

That is another thing, I found out he was lying to me about everything, including work!! His business. Lord only knows how he was paying our bills.

Oh God, it makes me sick writing this stuff. How could I miss this man? But again how does one simply let go of someone they once loved and gave their heart, body and soul too?? It seems so normal but I am such a lover and believed in the fairy tale.

Hi Anita,

Of course you will hear from me, probably until the end of one of our times. I have been working my second job and not feeling the best these last couple of days. It has helped me to be at peace seeing people for what and who they are but also scares me and makes me sad. I went 30 years believing that life and people were as genuine as me. Learning that 95 percent of people just want to use people is shocking. Makes me feel like what is the point? If no one genuinely cares why do we gather? Why not be alone.

Besides these thoughts I have been craving and constantly missing my ex these days. I do not know what is bringing this on. I just sit and wonder how he let 5 years go down the drain? I was so good to him. I blamed myself in the beginning but when I look back I gave him everything. Then to find out about Narcissistic Personality Disorder!!! Do you believe in this disorder? I have read so much on it that I am drained and astounded this exists and is incurable!

My job I have right now is based out of Florida where I was living. I work from home right now. I make 17/hour. Going to be starting a second job which I can save that check entirely. I think my pay would qualify me for a small mortgage of the priced condos in Florida. But again no one in Florida. I do like the area I lived in there.  Very safe and much cheaper than Illinois. But don’t know how I’d feel back there after break up. I’m in an Air BnB right now in a shared house. It’s oddly not that bad but I’m so exhausted from running around. Wish I had stability and comfort. Wish my Aunt was a bit more supportive. Am I asking too much? It seems every one I’m with since being home I am not satisfied with.

Hi Anita, I agree with you and I have been eliminating a lot of people in suffering and I will say it feels good at times. But when I see my future I still can’t help but see me happier, more stable and good people in my life but still having my family and hopefully one day helping them become healthier but I do understand that in the mean time I have to worry about me for once and focus on myself. Yes I hope I am out soon enough as well. I still have 5000 saved which could potentially get me an apartment here furnished but then I become a renter and probably wont be able to save living alone. Where as if I save another 5 grand I can potentially own a 50000 condo in Florida and pay less mortgage there than a rent here in Illinois. I am afraid to live in a city all alone but am becoming increasingly confident about this. I really would like to invest in something. I know my future self would thank me. But toughing it out here with my Aunt is getting rough. We had a conversation last night where she insinuates that when she had to start over after divorce it took her 5 years and was stay beneath an aunt of ours that was evil! She basically said you have to put up with crap until you are able to set out on your own and I find that to be mean. When she offered me this place I thought she was supporting me and now it seems she did it for some type of control. She has helped me a lot but I will not do things I don’t want to do because some one helped me. Is that selfish?