Thanks for the response Anita,

You really put things in perspective for me. I needed her so bad. I still need her. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority because they did love me. The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes. I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame and codependency. What if she suffered from those things? What if she just didn’t know how to love me. She was a sweet and kind woman some times and would do little cute things for me but as far as a mother figure she did fail. I had no guidance, and no one to care about how I was feeling. I was clearly a depressed child and adult but she offered no life advice. But what if she just didn’t have those things to offer. I often wonder why I come up with excuses for people to hurt me. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life. I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiance for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex. I was so devastated after the break up but when I look back he isn’t acting any different than what he did in the relationship. I always had to apologize and I was always trying to be perfect and up to his standards and after finding out he was cheated I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.

Thank you so much Anita. Your words are so wise and always help me through. I do suffer from the same as you these days. I suffer with feeling joy. I feel guilty that she isn’t here anymore. I am doing better but still struggle daily. I will say I have had a bit of a distraction while I am still grieving my breakup. It is so hard to lose my mom and then not have the man who has always been there for me be there during this time. I feel so alone even though I do have family. I feel empty. I’m back home in Chicago living at home where my mother and brother resided. I sleep in my Mom’s room. I feel like my life is turned upside down. I miss florida but my family is here and I know I need them at this time. I have no clue how to restart my life. I still love my ex even though he cheated on me and is totally discarding me because I’ve bashed him so much. I feel like I’ll never find a love like ours again. I’m so lost and I try to have motivation and hope each day but I am struggling.  So many emotions at once that I feel trapped.

I believe it will hurt him because he chose me as the God Mother of his child. He trusted me with that title. But none of this comes from him. They have poor communication and I don’t even know if he knows about these things she does. But it is very difficult for me to tell him because he is very touchy about her. As you put it, no most people don’t do that but alot of people out here are insensitive and expect more than they give and I don’t know how to deal with it. In the even I cannot just walk away, how do you say I deal with such an issue? I will be around her for 5 days. I want to enjoy myself regardless what others are doing.

Thanks Anita, we are far apart. She is in Arizona. I see her maybe 5 times a year and talk at least once a week. She is my brothers wife so I always feel it is my job as a sister to keep everything cordial. I cannot just quit my job as that would hurt my brother. But I feel like I need to learn how to deal with people like her in my life because it happens. I feel so weak sometimes with no boundaries and I am such a people pleaser. I dont knot how to stop. Yes just comes out of my mouth. She is coming tonight and I feel very anxious because I want to face this challenge and ace it.

I want to do that. I want to work on myself and that is becoming more clear to me. And I know he has to work on himself. But I’m afraid of losing him or him being with other women while we take time away. That breaks my heart.

i have stopped talking to our families about him. I have stopped stalking facebooks. It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes. I feel like if I had and this month went by with less contact and more healing we could be in a better place. I am so afraid of preparing for the long term stay. I want to go back and fix our life like I know we can. How do I get myself to accept that. I feel like if we let go there is no chance. Where can I find these support groups? I’m going to look up Coda. I n the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have no figured out that I have severe PTSD from childhood abuse and I have a fear of abandonment and I also have a terrible temper and unhealthy way of dealing with conflict that I learned from my parents. I understand these things now and I want to go reverse them so bad. He has apologized this entire month for his actions and I feel like I can’t let it go but who am I? I have done so much wrong including not allowing him to grow as a person and forgive  himself because I continue bashing him. I haven’t called or texted in a few days and I was thinking of texting an apology or even flying to Florida since I left so impulsively and apologize but at the same time always afraid he talking to women. I’m so confused