Ok, posting again and re reading some of our posts and come across this.

You Wrote

“You also wrote: “I long for the day.. where the people in  my life are happy to see me and happy for me and I don’t have to defend or be perfect. Lord please bless me with this”.

My input today: you are still, to this very day, “so focused on (your) family”, still you “forget the abuse and reach out for the love again”, and as you do that, you are feeling worse and worse and this has been going on for.. how long, years since we communicated, and before. Only it is getting worse for you.

You call it codependency or a love addiction. Imagine this: there is this child who goes with her mother to a particular supermarket in the neighborhood. There are other supermarkets and shops elsewhere, but it happens that this child is taken to this particular supermarket. The child craves chocolate but her mother, father, whomever takes her to that supermarket, won’t buy it for her, so she drops to the floor and kicks and screams, throwing a fit: but I want chocolate! I want it! I want it!

Fast forward this imagery, the child is a woman, and she is still on that supermarket floor screaming: I want chocolate! I want chocolate! And I am not going anywhere until I get it! This woman is tired throwing this years long anger tantrum,  she is bruised, her body hurts, she is miserable and suffering.

So I- in the context of the old thread- I visit you in that supermarket and I say: Nichole, get up, leave this supermarket, you can buy your own chocolate over there, outside this place. The therapists you saw- paying them thousands of dollars- didn’t help, you are still throwing that anger tantrum in that supermarket: I want that chocolate! I want it!!!

In the old thread I told that child-woman all that I had to say, there is nothing more, then we took a break and months later you started a new thread and.. you are still suffering,  only more, still in that one supermarket still kicking and screaming, only your voice is getting weaker perhaps and your body hurts more. So what-to-do?

Well, I figure, the child-woman is quite persistent, she will not leave! No matter what I say, no matter the thousands of dollars she spent on therapy, no matter the length of time she has been suffering- she just won’t leave that d*^* supermarket.

Therefore, I figure, bring in some bandages, clean and dress those wounds on those legs, place a soft carpet underneath her so that she hurts less when she bangs her body against the floor. I mean, she is going to stay there, keep doing the same-old-same-old, so might as well make her more comfortable.

In real life, outside this imagery, that means getting on psychiatric medications that will work for you. Getting serious about taking what will work, not starting and quitting but following instructions and persisting, working with one good psychiatrist on the matter.

This way  you can be more comfortable, less pain, I hope, as you keep focusing on your family and keep reaching out for their love.

What  do you think about giving up the idea of doing anything different from what you have been doing, but take psychiatric drugs that will make you hurt less and less, so I hope?

anita”

So I left the super market to look for my chocolate else where. I got to Florida. I attempted to stabilize in different roommate situations that did not work out. I acclimated to a church and got hurt by its members. I feel worse than I did with family most times. I feel like I made the wrong decision sometimes. Cant tell if that the child woman or me. The lines are getting blurred. I left family which was a half a** love but now have none?? My body is definitely reacting with all of this fear. I mean I cannot even choose what is for dinner without having a panic attack. Things get crazy. I feel like I am doing everything wrong. Made bad decisions. Why do I continue having the same bad experiences. Why do so many people hurt me. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says treat me bad. Needless to say I haven’t found my new supermarket.

I am in so much fear I don’t know what else to do.

Yes COViD is out of the box in a bad way. I pray this pandemic stops.

I am weak, vulnerable, needy and desperate. I’m wondering if I should just reach out to my aunt. I know she hurt me but I feel she is safer than this world right now.

I need help. My fear response and stress response is way too high. It’s like I’m experiencing trauma all day long!

I’m not ok Anita I feel dead inside. I’m so full of fear. So full of shame and don’t know what to do in between places. I feel lost not sure how I got here.

Hi Anita, so sorry to hear about your fall. That sounds painful and frustrating. I hope you are ok.

honestly Anita,

im not ok right now. Been trying to fight my mind every darn day. I’ve done so much for myself just to wind up so depressed. In bodily and emotional pain. It is so strong. I feel so alone. I feel so scared. I’m clueless as what to do next. I’m behind on everything. My old negative beliefs and patterns seem uncontrollable. And more than anything I feel like I can’t trust a soul. The worlds seems cruel and unsafe. I think I may be suicidal at times. I’m tired of acting like I’m ok. I’m not ok.

Hi Anita, yes I came to Florida, I don’t work in Starbucks. But was doing my work there.

I don’t know what to do Anita. With the pain. My mind continues to want my ex or family. It goes back and forth all day with no good ness. And I have fought like a fighter. I feel low and full of old patterns. I can’t even bring out my bubbly true self anymore. I miss me soo much. It feels like I’ll never find her again.

i am a shell of a person. I don’t know how to be a person.

im scared

Hi Anita,

Thank you. I appreciate those compliments. It has not been easy fighting all that I’ve suffered but am also proud that I’ve remained logical. Yes I pray in the New Year things can turn around but I do know I have a lot to grieve and understand.

Thank you I will always need to hear it wasn’t my fault. I think I’m getting more clear regarding my mom but struggle subconsciously with blaming myself for my family relationships and leaving them. I keep going on going over what happened to find something I could have done better. It’s been rough in that area.

I believe my symptoms are also years of abuse and manipulative from my brothers he has always triggered me and I never knew it. I basically lived my life shamed by him and his family. I believe he and my father did this to my mother as well. It freaks me out!

yes my brother truly did a number on me when saying that to me. I haven’t forgave this yet! I’m so hurt by that and other things he did because it makes me believe he has manipulated me through life as well and that is a truth I don’t want to face because it makes me feel like what is the point? Is there a different life of no abuse and real love out there?

Hi Anita

That is an interesting question. I guess I did mean it that way. That it is not their fault. Which is what I am struggling with..self blame.

I guess my question was if you understood from a trauma standpoint, meaning PTSD symptoms of the past holding on to us through our body and mind versus us wanting to hold onto the past. Like my flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic. It is all old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family. It seems uncontrollable at times.