I don’t mean she literally wants chaos but it seems that way.

i also know sleep deprivation isn’t helping but that is from stress so hand in hand.

heres what I know

ive made some bad decisions

ive reacted

My life and real relationships are all out of control

i didnt do this intentionally and worked hard against it but I’m a pre conditioned mess

i got my apartment tomorrow

i want to fix relationships or at least respond to family situations because left undone keeps me in the flight response I believe. I reacted irrational when I was scared and it’s driving me crazy the control I don’t have.

I know now that I was mistreated but also know it may not have been personal and I reacted to it as if it was. Because little Nichole is constantly looking for abuse as you say. This is true.

she was abused so early on and is terrified for it to happen again. When I realized I was emotionally abused after leaving my ex and realizing my family had done it to scared me. I was looking for it everywhere. Which makes me not trust my decision to end all of these relationships.

i have no connections and it’s like going cold turkey off of drugs! I’m in withdrawal

i want to begin some connections somewhere with family because what I need a stranger can’t give me. But my family is invalidating and a bit much so I can’t trust myself to make a decision on that.

I dont trust myself at all right now!

Which sucks because I was working on that like hell!

ive lost trust in these bad decisions

i dont have movers

i don’t have cable box for work

i don’t have help

money is going down!

I dnt  have a bed, my things are everywhere

my car needs maintenance

my body needs sleep

i need love and support!

I don’t know where to begin

i wrote this feeling like an 80 year old woman because of stress and tension!

Have you ever felt like that?

It feels like it won’t go away!

That’s what I was doing before all this happened. I continue my talks with myself but my subconscious has gotten louder and faster and aggressive. I’m trying with all my might soul and power. 🙁

It hurts Anita

i have had many post like this

but this is a volcano eruption

it has been too many traumas after another

my mind and body are suffering greatly

im not a broken record this is really happening

I will be. But can’t even be excited. With a million thoughts per minute me I hate myself, flashbacks of every memory of my life. It’s like a movie that won’t end. On and on.

is this normal? Have you experienced?

I know it’s ptsd but it’s debilitating. And I continue trying to hold on to me. The one who feels empathy and love and not become bitter and cold. I want that me back but no light in sight

You can help, you have helped. You make sense of my behavior. I don’t believe I have bi polar. I believe I have cpstd according to my therapist. And in stressful situations my fight or flight response stays on. I believe my body is alarmed at the moment ready for an attack and that is why I cannot get calm these last few days. Too much stress.

Anita, do you think we could speak on the phone?

No just to get away from here

it was my first thought and I didn’t execute

i stayed in hopes for family

and now I’m here. Terrified of the apartment and life

I see. Sorry for that disturbance you are having.

i would definitely email. It is a disturbance.

i know you are limited and i get it.

im just frightened for my life Anita!

Why do I feel this way? Why won’t the stress response calm down for me. Lately it has been on a million. I have had no relief in between. It is bad.

i don’t have anyone to turn to. Not one soul

what do I do, and where do I go? My apartment ready on the first and i don’t even want it!

I dont want want to be here

my life seems ruined. And I know my insomnia and anxiety are playing their role in this but can’t stop it. The thoughts