Wow, well thank you kindly for studying my life and putting it so well in words. I cannot deny you are correct. Especially that last sentence. I do look for abuse because I am used to it and I am trying not to be. I do not know how to separate abuse from someone just being themselves which just might be toxic over all. One thing I will say is that you and I disagree strongly about narcissism and yes I have named everyone a narcissist in my life mostly. It is not uncommon for someone to be surrounded by narcissist when they were raised by one. And most people in my family have definitely gaslit me. They tried very hard to change my perception of reality. And that is not ok, that is abuse.

I just want an abuse free life. Is that so hard to ask for?

I am definitely a people please but have worked on this consistently and have kept boundaries which I am proud of. I discovered I was an angry people please so I decided not to do this anymore. That is why during this time I only did what I could for family and did not fall into people pleasing habits. I took care of me first and then helped but I guess I need to get even firmer with boundaries. It should not be this way. I should be able to give and show love for my family and receive it back but because my family is highly narcissistic this is impossible.

Yes I am impulsive but also worked on this. But have lots to work on regarding fight or flight impulsiveness that I react on.

Yes I am usually doubtful and forgetful. I learned this is a trait of cptsd that I have. I forget things and instance often and then remember the next day hence the inconsistency in myself and others. How do I fix this? I hate this!!

Very selective memory, part of the same problem 🙁

Number 5 is sad. I don’t want to believe my mom abused me. I know it wasn’t intentional. Going through my recovery I see that this is hard work and as a single mom and abused woman herself she tried her best!! I just want to hold her and let her know how loved she is, she never loved herself and that makes me so damn sad! This is something that hits me hard. My mom was a sweet woman who I believe tried in life. More than my father and siblings.

I am confused. But also enlightened by this. I feel hopeful that I am on a path to recovery and just need to enjoy the ride instead of fighting my circumstances.

I had a hard life so far! I deserve to be kind to myself during recovery but I definitely have work to do!!

One thing I am trouble by an always will be is the fact that my family are just hurt individuals who I do not believe intend on abusing. I believe they are not aware and are only loving people the way they love themselves. I did this for a long time in life. I was controlling, judgmental and only people pleasing thinking it was love. I am no different. Until now that I am in recovery. So how not forgive these people who are and were probably abused themselves?

So you still deal with physical pain

that scares me

i had no physical symptoms while healing before just anxiety often but normal anxiety that I could handle. I was doing pretty well for quite a while there. So sad it had to change

i guess I have to start accepting where I am at because I keep comparing myself to that girl I was last month

i also think my entire routine has been shook end up so that’s why it’s hard to find peace

i was used to family calling and actually caring before or at least acting like it.

i think I need a routine?

Also need my own place but scared to get that here, but also scare to make a major change to Florida as well. That may be too traumatic for me

Wow that was put well. lol I need to get out of the blender then!

I am sitting here. Was able to get myself out of deep depression today. I just really hate to think of life without family. it honestly kills me and is the source of this recent blender activity. Being alone in the world seriously drives me crazy!

My God I wish I at least had a life partner at this time. This is damned hard and could honestly kill someone!

I need some kind of love in my life. I feel as though I come to some kind of mends with some family members and then move away and take time to heal and come back to them?

So I was planning to see my niece tonight, is that a bad idea? I miss my family Anita. I know I am suffering ptsd, did you ever suffer this? I have all of the symptoms. I have high anxiety with bouts of numbness. I feel worse not better after a month. I was able to hold on to myself before but now feel like I’m losing me. My confidence, my desire to do anything. What should I do at this point?

Anita

Today was horrible. Anxiety, panic attacks and 0 confidence in myself or life going forward. I am so sad

I went and seen both grandmas yesterday since I was feeling up and thought I should give them a chance, I confronted one gradma who was very mean and standoffish after aunt smeared me and she denied it and said she loves me. So invalidating. I am so lost at this point. It is safe to say today was SO depressing. I seen no point in life today. What is the point?

I am not well today and do not see how I can be well. I cannot even here the voice inside me anymore, Why am I losing myself?

What do I do?

Hi Anita,

i have not spoken to either. I can’t take anymore stress at this point. Today I took care of me! I did all the works. I have to admit I still have anxiety, negative ruminations and self doubt but staying above in spite. The Lord must be with me!

Anita thank you! And I truly believe that. I know I am sane. I also know I am not perfect and these people have their own perceptions. I also know these people are ultimately hurting as well and battling life their own way so I am trying to play Jesus here.

Not really sure what to do? Kind of feel like cutting all contact with family and starting over without them is harsh but also feel like staying is hurting me as well. I wish I could freeze time.