Anita,

went to doctor

am on 10mg ambien for sleep

1mg of Xanax 3 times daily

50mg Zoloft in the morning

never expected this to be my life

apartment ready on the first, wish I would have gone to Florida all along in the beginning of this when I had some confidence and energy. Now I’m just a shell. Not sure if it’s meds but I’m depressed! All day in hotel bed.

dont know how I can get things ready for apartment. And don’t want it anymore. I want out of this place that hurt me so bad since a young girl!

I am no depressed in a hotel!

I’m scared

I think I have panic disorder

Yes you are Anita! You are right!

I could have listened to you months ago when you said to detach from family. Maybe I wouldn’t be a hot mess right now. But I accept and forgive my choices with love or at least I am trying!

I honestly feel like singing a lease in Chicago was wrong though. Not sure if it is ptsd or anxiety but I think Florida would have been a better bet from the beginning. I have entered the blender too much. I need time away from the blender of family. I need peace. Plus winter will come and be sad again. I wonder if I could reconsider my lease and just make the drive to Florida and sign one there?? What are your thoughts.

i truly don’t want to make another impulsive decision but also don’t want to continue with family. Even talking to my grandma again yesterday was a hassle!

I’m not staying here. Getting out tonight. It is almost like a cell. Fits a twin bed and table that is all. You have to climb on bed. I don’t know how I ended up here. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go to family? Why do I sabotage myself into these things? My memory comes and goes. Maybe you can help me understand how my life got here and how I can get some relief! My head and body feel they would be better off to explode!

I understand and feel that. But I’m trying so hard to calm the anxiety down. It has completely taken over. I feel it in my body. I feel it in my head. My thoughts beliefs ands values are changing as we speak. It is so scary. Will I ever feel like me again?

Scared to take meds again. With no one to look after me.

and I keep thinking of going back to family not for love just for some damn help! How can I do this all alone with all of the trauma I have been through?

Mom about to explode!!

I feel so depressed all of a sudden. Like I can’t get out of bed and this isn’t even my bed! So damn sad right now. How is this my life

I haven’t even spoke to them. I don’t even know what to say. I am upset with them but couldn’t even possibly discuss this at this point. I am also terrified of them. I feel like this is what my family wanted. Me depressed and anxious so I come running back. It is so unfair. I was finally managing life Anita and now I feel I am losing my mind! I’m so damn scared right now!! I wish I had something to bring this down! I am so scared. I am deep breathing. Have a hot water bottle for my kidneys and positive self talk. This is all body right now. Nothing I can do!

Hi Anita,

im not sure what to do. I’m pretty sure it is my ego that will not let me contact them. But I’ve been spending 70 a night on hotels such a waste of my hard earned money! I was tempted to sleep in my car last night. I have an apartment won’t be ready until the 1st.

i don’t know where I am getting the strength to hang in there.

i also don’t want to spend 700 for living in hotels for next two weeks

my money is dwindling and I feel like that’s just another stress making me feel crazy.

life is so rough right now Anita. I wish I had anyone to go to! I’ve been so alone in this journey.

i don’t deserve this!