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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 404 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 301 through 315 (of 405 total)
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  • #300679

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    You are welcome. The way for you to proceed, I  believe, will need to include the following (and not in the following order, first, second and so forth, but a bit of each at any day, back and forth, gradually and over time):

    1. Come to terms with your issues with your mother- this is what I am sure of: you loved her your whole life. You did your very best to help her. Your attention for so long was directed at her while her attention was rarely directed at you. You cared for her much more than she cared for you.

    It doesn’t matter why, and whether she did her best and how sweet she was at times, what matters here is that you loved her way more than she loved you, that you were focused on her and she was not focused on you; you spent way, way… way more time feeling empathy for her than she spent time feeling empathy for you.

    Your relationship with your mother was very much an unrequited love, you trying and waiting and hoping for her love while she was otherwise engaged, otherwise focused, unavailable to you.

    You were angry at her because you needed her so desperately, because she was your number one priority and she wasn’t there for you and didn’t consider you a high priority at all.

    You need to remove your focus from her childhood, and her past abuse, and she doing her best and focus instead on your childhood, your past abuse, and how you truly did your best to take care of her from an early age.

    In the context of you-and-your-mother, you were all innocent, all loving, all focused on her. In the same context, she was not these things, in other words, she could have done better for you if she truly loved you, not perfectly, but she could have done better, no doubt.

    2. Consider other family members, one by one, father, each one of the two brothers, brothers’ partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, niece, nephew, resolve the issues with each one you do have issues with and decide if you want a relationship with any and what kind of a relationship (I can help you with that, if you want).

    Give up reaching out to any of them for the purpose of being loved or taken care of emotionally. You waited 25 years for your mother to love you back and take care of you for once. Don’t waste your next 25 years waiting other family members to love you and take care of you.

    3. When you feel that you are abused by any particular individual, before you impulsively react, take a time out. Write to me if you want, describing the situation you suspect to having been abusive toward you and I will give you my input on the matter. You have to learn to differentiate your perception of abuse from the reality of abuse. I can help you with that.

    4. Turn away from reaching out to family members and turn toward life otherwise, your own life as an individual. This includes work/ career, living in/ buying your own home where you want to live and in the future, maybe in a couple of years, when you are ready, find your own partner in life.

    anita

     

    #300873

    Nichole
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    I want to write back to your last response but will save it for a day I am feeling better. Because I want to achieve and do all of those things to recover but at the moment it is hard to believe.

    Here is what I know…I am suffering from PTSD for sure! I have every symptom. I had about 10 flashbacks in the shower alone! Night time and morning time is pure torture. I feel pain and anxiety times 10. I am starting less and less to believe in myself as the day goes by. I did somatic therapy yesterday and it worked well. I was calm throughout the day. Felt really good but am here again. This sucks so bad. To be aware that these thoughts and feelings aren’t true but cannot help but to start believing them since they are hitting so hard. I read people live with this forever sometimes. That frightens me to death!! All of this could have been prevented I cannot be so angry at that. I am starting to show my anger. Last night when not sleeping I punched my pillow 10 times and had angry outburst of “conversations with my brother” but to myself of course. This is the anger I had all my life and I finally healed to a calm peaceful state and now I feel so disappointed. I know I have to accept this is my current state but it is SO HARD!!! I am suffering.

     

    #300879

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “I finally healed to a calm peaceful state”- that did not happen, you felt calmer at times, definitely better than you felt lately, but no healing took place, not yet.

    What you are experiencing now is not a lifetime state, no, it is not. And you can start the process of  healing, one that you aimed at before, but did not made a solid beginning of it yet.

    PTSD is a diagnosis that was used for war veterans but in the last  decade or so, the term Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was proposed to the type of PTSD you are referring to, (and of which I suffered myself).  You may want to read on CPTSD online (a good source, I hope!) or in a self help book in the library/book store. What do you think of maybe visiting a library or a book store for that purpose?

    anita

    #300887

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita,

    i was in a much better place. I was confident and sure of a lot of decisions I was making. I was setting firm boundaries and sticking them. And I actually was loving myself, forgiving myself and having compassion for myself which in turn I was able to give those things to others. It was a good feeling despite the anxiety and depression at times. Now, I can’t say I love myself but I continue saying it daily multiple times. And I just feel so bad. I feel like this inner voice telling me all bad things that I have to talk to myself all day and say those are lies!! I definitely haven’t forgiven myself or others. I have rage and resentment instead. And also insomnia, headaches, neck and back pain. And an unbearable pain that I can’t even name emotionally. Just darkness over me. Can’t experience joy even though I’m trying so hard. I guess it peeks through in moments.

     

    I disagree when you say say I wasn’t healing.

    also yes I know of Cptsd. But now it’s really bad. I’ve experienced flashbacks to everything in my life. It’s quite depressing. I am going to somatic therapy, ptsd physiotherapy and will start Emdr. I am going to a TRE class tomorrow. I a doing everything to get out of this state.

     

    What did you do?

    I feel it is just a trigger and my response won’t go down. I need to get this fight or flight response down!!

    #300891

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    There were times in my life that I felt better, it happens to everyone, really. But healing happens when the person healing perseveres, keeps going, not giving up. I remember long ago, I was your age and there was an advertisement on TV for those 4 big sets of video cassettes, a long ago technology. Those cassettes were about repeating positive affirmations to soft music with subliminal messages. I used to play those cassettes while jogging and I felt at the top  of the world. I was repeating positive affirmations about myself, my worth, and those felt wonderful !

    Over time, life happened and those cassettes, well, I had to let them go because I had to  unload a lot of my belongings because I often didn’t have a place to live in, moving a whole lot, sometimes having nowhere to go to. So you see, it felt good but no healing. Healing has to be ongoing. My healing started 2011 and is still ongoing. I didn’t abandon the process.

    I think it will be a long process for you too, but you have to keep at it. You don’t have to  do too much at any one time, but you have to commit to it and keep going no matter how you feel. Sometimes take breaks, that is part of the process. But make it ongoing.

    anita

    #300927

    Nichole
    Participant

    I understand and it was not just affirmations helping me. It was boundaries and healing and acting instead of just thinking. It felt so good. I felt like I deserved life and love and happiness. Today I can barely move. I have such negative thoughts. I keep fighting them, telling myself these are not true. I think it’s helpful but exhausting. I just want my confidence and love back!! I don’t deserve this! I know this has to ultimately do with healing but this was brought in by gaslighting and projection!! Please tell me you believe it. Enough people try to make me feel crazy and I know I am not Anita! I was emotionally abused by family recently. Because I was doing well and they wanted to bring me down. I doubt this at times that I get nostalgic but I now this is true!! I can never explain the pure emotional sucking my family did, whether intentional or not I was projected these feelings of shame and guilt and lowness. And now the physical symptoms have worsened!

    #300937

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I believed you from the very beginning that you were abused and neglected by your mother, your father, and your older brother (I believe it more than you believe it- I wish you believed the italicized with the clarity and conviction of my belief!). I also believe that the aunt with whom you lived has been and is abusive to her won son, so I am not at all surprised that she has been abusive to you too.

    I will soon be away from the computer for about 15 hours. I will check to see if you reply in about an hour from now, and then shut down the computer for the day.

    anita

    #301467

    anita
    Participant

    I am thinking about you, Nichole, hoping you are okay.

    anita

    #301477

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    ive been ok. Just don’t know what I want or what to do! I literally bounce back and forth and it’s frustrating! I found an apartment I loved but it got rented and can’t find one I like. Last night I decided. Taking a week or so off work and then going to Florida. Relaxing and letting go of everything. Then this morning I’m like no I need to save and be stable. I have to let my roommate know if I’m staying a month today and I don’t think I want to. I have never felt completely comfortable here. But will I with any random roommates? It’s 750 a month for an uncomfortable bed and no curtains in room so it’s bright! I get no sleep. I am pretty down this morning but managing not to go crazy.

    #301481

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Your previous plan to save money by living with your aunt did not work for your benefit, not all. You have to have curtains wherever it is that you live, so either get curtains immediately or move to a place with curtains. Maybe time away in Florida is a good idea. In any case, place your mental health in the highest priority right now, way  higher than saving money.

    Better mental health is your best bet to making money and saving it long term !!!

    anita

    #301575

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita, so today is the 1st and I had to make a decision either to stay or go with my current situation. So here I am car full of belongings and food that will melt and oddly feeling ok about this situation just because I know I wasn’t too comfortable in that situation. I have such a hard time make decisions, especially lately and that’s annoying because this is my life on the line. I’m not really sure what move to make at this point. And I wish I knew how to figure that out. I know my body wanted out of the situation I was in. And was thinking Florida but am also just in a place where I want my own stuff and my own place. I looked at a place I semi like yesterday but so afraid to make that jump as well. Ugh ?

    #301583

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    As you find yourself once again in this situation, “car full of belongings and food that will melt”, a situation I found myself in many times in the past, make it a beginning of something new that will lead you away from finding yourself in this situation once again.

    Don’t go live with your aunt, or your father/brother & his girlfriend and her kids, or with any grandmother, or … your older brother, or.. cousins and so forth. Make this the first day of a new kind of life for yourself, one that you live as an individual, an independent person, not as someone’s sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, or cousin.

    Turn away from the old way and turn toward the new way of living.

    anita

    #301629

    Nichole
    Participant

    I do want family involved somewhat in my life but yes am very ready to start my own life. Not sure whether I should commit to this apartment or go to Florida. That’s my issue at this moment. Part of me wants a break from work, life and Chicago. But also am afraid re open wounds from that town but also want to see how I feel there. But also part of me wants an apartment here. Also have to find out where I stay in the meantime. Wish someone could give me the answers lol

    #301635

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I like you not living in Illinois or in Arizona so to be geographically removed from both your brothers and their partners, and from your aunt, grandmothers, cousins and all other family members. Your niece and nephew- I wish you had them in your life but unfortunately they are attached to the others. And I like the idea of you not being geographically close to any of the others.

    I don’t like the idea of you living anywhere close to that ex boyfriend and his family either.

    So, consider Florida if you like the hot and humid weather that is the current weather there now, very hot and very humid, and I figure big bugs go with that weather.

    You didn’t live in many other places that you may like, some areas in California maybe, if you like a not as hot and humid weather, maybe Portland.

    Point is, to start your life as an individual person, an independent woman, better remove yourself from your family and make your life elsewhere. Because you are displaced now, starting a life in another state will not be more difficult than in Chicago… drive away, drive far away and start elsewhere.

    anita

    #301637

    Nichole
    Participant

    I totally get that but that hurts me so bad! I guess I just want some connection to my family. And I’ve started making a few contacts here in the Chicago area. Also, if I went to Florida I would want it to be somewhere at least a little familiar. I guess thinking of life completely independent feels less love and happiness. I feel that way now. Like where is the love. I feel like my innocence was stolen and my zest for life being a deserving and joyous one was token away from me. Does it come back?

Viewing 15 posts - 301 through 315 (of 405 total)

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