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GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH

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This topic contains 404 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months ago.

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  • #300187

    Nichole
    Participant

    My younger brothers daughter, the one I’m closest to. Yea planning on taking her to a restaurant. She is 10. I will not see my brother in crossing.

     

    And what about my other symptoms?

    #300193

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    That doesn’t sound bad, seeing your 10 year old niece without your brother. Your symptoms: insomnia, jolts, distress, discomfort.. that is a result of neural over-activity, certain chemicals that neurons normally release, are over-produced, so there is too much of this and that chemical in your brain and not enough of other chemicals. The jolts are from over production of stimulating chemicals, similar to what caffeine does.

    If  you get out of the blender and stay out, you will give your brain the opportunity to return to a more normal function, producing/ releasing chemicals in.. reasonable amounts.

    anita

    #300249

    Nichole
    Participant

    Wow that was put well. lol I need to get out of the blender then!

    I am sitting here. Was able to get myself out of deep depression today. I just really hate to think of life without family. it honestly kills me and is the source of this recent blender activity. Being alone in the world seriously drives me crazy!

     

    My God I wish I at least had a life partner at this time. This is damned hard and could honestly kill someone!

    I need some kind of love in my life. I feel as though I come to some kind of mends with some family members and then move away and take time to heal and come back to them?

    #300277

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    It is amazing how loneliness does not kill, millions of very lonely people live to very old age. You keep saying how much you need your family, but of what you told me, long ago and most recent, including the trip to Arizona… family doesn’t do you much good, a moment here a moment there…. as much good as gambling in a casino, using those slot machines, you win once every hundred times you pull that handle, and you win less money than what you put in !

    What can I say, Nichole, you are like that bird that kept flying into the one closed window, trying to get in. Why didn’t that bird look around and fly into the open air, into the wide, blue sky-

    – I know, life is not like a wide blue sky, endless possibilities, but life is not as limited as a closed window either!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
    #300281

    anita
    Participant

    Regarding your suggestion to “move away and take time to heal and come back to them?”- you mean you want to put all your broken parts together so to get back to the blender and break apart again?

    anita

    #300283

    Nichole
    Participant

    Anita you are right but when you grow up with a codependent condition it is so hard to break that. As of right now I am currently experiencing so much pain emotionally, it literally just came over me. It is physical as well. Heart palpitations, throat tightening and a migraine with stomach pain and tension. Is this normal? I keep seeing in ptsd it is and to feel through it. That is damned hard right now, please help!!!!

    #300285

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    It took me longer than I hope it takes you to break away from… misery. What you experience is normal, not outside the human experience. I have my own combination of physical symptoms as a result of childhood emotional injuries.

    I want you to make a commitment today to heal from your childhood- and ongoing injuries, to put your healing as your first priority in life.

    Go take a long walk outside, not too cold or too hot at this time of the year, is it? Take a long walk every evening, somewhere (Chicago is not known to be pedestrian friendly, so I read decades ago in a tourist guide book).

    I will be away from the computer for about 14 hours from now. Make that commitment and post to me as many times as you want- if you need to- before I return.

    anita

    #300297

    Nichole
    Participant

    So you still deal with physical pain

    that scares me

    i had no physical symptoms while healing before just anxiety often but normal anxiety that I could handle. I was doing pretty well for quite a while there. So sad it had to change

     

    i guess I have to start accepting where I am at because I keep comparing myself to that girl I was last month

     

    i also think my entire routine has been shook end up so that’s why it’s hard to find peace

     

    i was used to family calling and actually caring before or at least acting like it.

     

    i think I need a routine?

    Also need my own place but scared to get that here, but also scare to make a major change to Florida as well. That may be too traumatic for me

    #300335

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “I  had no physical symptoms while healing before just anxiety”- but anxiety is physical and you forgot recently how uncomfortable and miserable that felt before.

    The major symptom I referred to regarding myself are tics, involuntary muscular movements that are experienced as somewhat voluntary and include lots of distress in happening. Started when I was five or six, used to be severe at adolescence, but way less frequent and less severe for many years since.

    Routine always helps an anxious person.

    Start your healing journey today. Make a plan for today, schedule your time, fill it in with things to do that are meaningful and helpful to you. Exercise, get your body moving, walking is the easiest and if you walk fast, your heart gets going, you take in oxygen, that helps healing.

    I wish you were able to attend quality psychotherapy or at the least attend a good coda meeting.

    anita

     

    #300435

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I’ve been reading your posts in all your threads and studying them. I would like to let you know what I learn when I am back to the computer Monday morning, about 16 hours from now.

    anita

    #300511

    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    i am attending trauma therapy today and have been going to al anon meetings since I didn’t get much out of coda meetings. There isn’t much fellowship there just sharing.

     

    im interested in what you learn from past readings. I have went through some myself looking for advice about my mother’s death because the guilt has been strong lately and my thoughts of her are all day. Memories coming from all ends of my mind. I am definitely experiencing ptsd. Everywhere I go or anything I do I have flashbacks and memories. I’ve been feeling so low and just not good enough for stuff. Like I have been more myself and doing things for me but I don’t enjoy them as much as I used to. I feel like a piece of me was stolen and I’ll never get it back. Do you think I’ll find joy again? In anything? Even with my niece we had a good time but in the back of my head sadness and not worthy thoughts.

    #300527

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    “Do you think I’ll find joy again?”- the short answer, which may surprise you is: I hope not. I hope you will not experience the same joy you experienced in your life so far because that joy is a manic kind of joy, the way your brain compensated you for the lows, for the ongoing misery of growing up in your home.

    The problem is that you falsely believe this exaggerated joy is possible long term and even when you don’t feel miserable, or when you feel better, you keep comparing yourself to … that joy, that exaggerated, heightened joy, desiring it.

    The only way for you to experience the moments of joy you had from time to time is to continue to be miserable the great majority of the time.

    The way to go is to reduce the extremes of moods: reduce the misery and (it goes hand in hand with it), reduce the joy as well. You need to become comfortable with what you referred to before as numb, a subdued kind of emotional experience.

    When you do calm yourself this way over time, reduce the extremes of emotional experience, then you will experience a different kind of joy, a calmer or more tolerable kind of joy.

    I will write to you a more detailed post on my study. In the meantime do post anytime you want.

    anita

    #300547

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    This post, Part One, is made of quotes from what you shared month by month. The post to follow, Part Two will include quotes from part one plus my input.

    Aug 21, 2018: “Hello, I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 1/2 years and 3 years living together. I moved to Florida from Chicago to be with him and start a life with him. 1 month ago I found out ..he was calling chatlines and old girlfriends.. I was very verbally abusive during the situation and even physical. I gathered all my belongings from our home besides furniture and filled up my car and left back home to Chicago.. he begged and pleaded for me to stay.. for the last month I have been calling and texting like an emotional mess.. I was verbally abusive and an emotional wreck during our time together.. I put so much pressure on him and he says he tried so hard but couldn’t handle it. I feel so bad about the things I have done… he had cheated on me with multiple women. All except 1 that I know of were on the phone.. He said we need time apart to heal and he is frustrated with me calling and continuing to blame him because I cant accept the cheating.. I am so confused and am known for being impulsive and even though I know it and hate it I cannot seem to stop it.. It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes.. In the 3 years living with him I was verbally abusive when we argued which was often. I have.. a terrible temper.. He has apologized this entire month for his actions and I feel like I can’t let it go.. I continue bashing him.

    I keep having the same problem with my sister in law and it is driving me crazy.. I feel so weak sometimes with no boundaries and I am such a people pleaser.

    September 2018: “My mother passed away last Sunday 9/16/2018. I am still in shock.. My mother is an amazing woman who unfortunately made terrible decisions in her life. She became addicted to drugs when I was a child.. I have always carried resentment from her years of addiction which was neglectful to me and my brothers. After sobering up she met a man and that became her life. I always felt that drugs came first than a man came first.. I lived with her until I was 26… I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life ..I was going through a lot and I kind of yelled at her.. That night we got a call that she passed.. I shouldn’t have been so resentful.. I am so heart broken and so ashamed of myself. I am carrying so much blame and guilt and I don’t know what to do.

    October 2018: “I still love my ex even though he cheated on me and is totally discarding me because I’ve bashed him so much. I feel like I’ll never find a love like ours again.

    November 2018: “I’m currently feeling lost.. I am living with my brother in my moms apartment. Our father also lives with us who was never really in our lives… I do not want to live in a tiny apartment with my brother, father and niece but they now need me financially… every time i find ways to feel better and be positive I regress back into negative thinking and no motivation. I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own. Before my ex my life was living with my mom, caring for her and my brother and niece.

    December 2018: “I realize now I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I realize I was stripped of myself.. I started to realize these things and was blaming my mom at the time for my codependency from my dysfunctional childhood. At the time I was even considering my mom was a narcissist. But as time has gone on I realize she was an amazing woman doing the best with the life she was dealt.. I wasn’t there for her the way my old self would have been. I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life.. She called me that day she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling good and that they weren’t feed her at the nursing home. I thought she was exaggerating. She was always sick.. I feel that most of my issues in life have to do with not having loving parents, at least ones who made me a priority.. I was clearly a depressed child and adult.. As I earlier mentioned I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years.. And I am so angry I allowed it. I allow so much abuse in my life.. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to “please” him and his fiancé for the last 9 years. I am learning about narcissism since my break up and I truly believe my brother and his woman are both narcissistic. I am so fed up with abuse. I realize how much I put up with in my own relationship with my ex.. I finally stood up for myself and left. But when I stand up for myself with these people my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not.. I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers in life… My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family, took care of my mom, been depressed from over thinking about others and have never felt good enough to have my own life.. I have an opportunity to rent my aunts basement and I would really like to be there.. I feel like I have to keep my family together after my moms death…Some days I am confident.. and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence ..Consumed with how my brother needs me, how he is making bad decisions in life.. One day I am confident that I got it and the next few days I am down and out and then I have to start over. . I have been trying to change my mother and brother for years. I am learning that I cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change… It is like I am the only one in my family to see that it is dysfunctional.. I am planning to move to my aunts house on the first. I am scared to make this move. . I also am afraid that my aunt is so highly codependent and judgmental and I fear she will rub off on me as she sometimes does. I can afford to live on my own with my 5000 saved but I want to continue to save.

    January 2019: ” I made the move to my Aunt’s house on new years eve.. Now that I am here at my aunts I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss.. I miss my brother and even my father. I have been down and out these last two days. Another change in my life. I was feeling good about myself and trying to fight my codependency but here I am again. I was up all night with anxiety and fear of life.. I feel like the girl I used to be. Lonely, insecure and afraid. I just want to maintain my confidence and feel stable in life. Sometimes I do and sometimes I feel lost. I am so sad to start this new year this way. I was hoping for a better start.. I understand my fear of being away from the home of origin but don’t understand where all of my anxiety and fear that appears almost every other day comes from. I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear, doubt, negative self talk, self hate,.. I have had high anxiety for about 2 weeks and I have done my daily duties through it all. I was able to do so by loving myself and telling myself I love myself constantly, also by giving myself what I need. Last week a relentless bout of anxiety has overcome me. I fear I have made the wrong decision moving in with my aunt.. She is completely codependent and is driving me crazy.

    February, 2019: “Here I am again stressed and doubtful. I have been sad and I have been numb. ..Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of moods.. The up and downs are draining.. have yet to feel comfortable anywhere since being back here.. Last night was so terrible for me. I would have to say it was the worst depression I have been in for a while. I am trying to get through the day today but feel so drained from this anxiety and fear that I know I must live with but it is so relentless lately. I now know that moving with my aunt was a terrible decision.. I sometimes feel like I am sinking in to who I used to be. .I  am concerned for this trip as well. As it has crept up I feel very nervous about it. I feel like calling it off honestly but I spent 450 on tickets that I do not wish to waste. What can I do to ensure this doesn’t become a disaster? .. Last year I was in a “loving relationship” with a man whose family adored me. A huge family. I had my family back home, my mom alive. Yes my family with many dysfunctions but there for me. I was so naïve and so happy back then..There is no telling when my brothers wife can bring the worst out of me. She has done it in the past and will do it again. ..I am so sad. Sad this is a reality.. I never felt good enough and never had my own identity.. I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this… My body is exhausted. Tired of pain and confusion and not knowing where my life is leading and who anybody is any more.. Having a terrible time at an amusement park.. This trip turned out so different than what I expected. I am so disgusted by my brother who I am closest with and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me… I feel dead and empty right now. I feel like I need to go to ER with these chest pains and stress.. I in return canceled Grand Canyon and went to hotel and haven’t spoke to him since. . We had lunch and went to airport together. Hardly spoke but were together.. she has turned my brother against me.

    March 2019: “I have been craving and constantly missing my ex these days.. He was truly my best friend. We would talk all night long about life. I miss our life and routine.. He started telling people I was mentally unstable and I was but because he was driving me to it…Working two jobs has me tired… I actually have been feeling decent. I have been trying not to let things bother me and move forward.. I have not spoken much at all to my older brother and wife. He confronted me and I had a very assertive talk with him on how I believe he is controlling and manipulating.. They have been distant since. My other brother has been absorbed by his girlfriend and we haven’t spoken. I still pick up my niece and take her out and have seen him in passing and he is very aggressive and mean… I have gone 30 years being a people pleaser so sometimes I feel so guilty for standing my ground…I’ve had a miserable day. A sad sad sad one!.. My grieving of my mom is back again.. I  feel so much blame and regret. I wish I could go back in time. I feel like I’ll always have this black cloud over my head. I’m done. I pray I can just fall asleep tonight. I cannot take anymore of these feelings.

    April 2019: “Working 3 jobs now..  I am feeling much better..I am still saving. And doing very well.. I am so thankful to have had the courage to save this and actually believe that I can afford a down payment and attempt to accomplish this huge goal for myself of owning a small condo. It makes me feel so good because this time last year I couldn’t imagine believing in myself this way. I do feel good enough for goals!!..I am on a journey healing myself and that is most important.. I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself… my entire life has been based on helping others and putting other people first.. I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now that I am more i control of myself and my feelings and actions I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home or with my ex… I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy.. I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was.  So much pain there. But so much pain here too.. I want that intense happiness someday.

    May 2019: “I have been exhausted. Physically from work and emotionally as usual from what life keeps throwing at me.. I have been for the most part down lately. Living with my aunt has been hitting the fan lately. She is so passive aggressive and manipulative.. Things got really bad about a week ago and I felt so shamed by my aunt. I feel as if she was talking behind my back and nothing I did was good enough. I went through a 3 day depression that was debilitating.. people are so mean and cruel. Everywhere I go. I seem to be getting the same passive aggressive response. Could this be normal? I am so sick of the passive aggression. I feel like the more happy I am the more someone wants to bring me down. I quit my part time at Ross because the people were getting to me. The moral was bringing me down. It is so hard because I feel like everywhere I go isn’t working out and it’s hard not to feel like the problem… I really like to see the good in people because I know I am not perfect. I too when I was acting very co dependently was very selfish. I talked about people, judged people, and expected so much from people and probably shamed them. All unintentionally. So how can I judge these hurt people so harshly. Aren’t we all hurting after all?…yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive…at this point it is unbelievable! I am so hurt… I am so lost.. I don’t know how I got myself into this mess. I honestly don’t understand why I put myself in abusive situations… last night I watched my aunt in. A coma practically die in hospice. I left before the final breathe but she was dying. I did not want to watch this and I did. My whole family was there. It was horrible. I am lost. Frightened. And back at square one in life if not negative square one. I don’t know what to do right now. I can’t process this. I am lost.. I am in a dark dark place. I need help. I’m scared… I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. .I often wonder role I play. I have been in many shark tanks. Is it me? My ex and his family in the end put me in shark tanks and also now my family. It has happened to me in work places as well. Is it always someone else fault.. I went really numb and still feel this way for hours now. Am I the narcissist? Am I the one who is causing this? I am in pain I do not like feeling numb…The wake was literally a hell! Anita I’m afraid I am going down right now. I have no energy. My body is responding to this toxicity I’m living in. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back … I have no hope right now, no motivation… I am so mad I was doing SO good.. him my father and other brother convinced me to have a “talk” regarding our family issues within 20 minutes I was shamed, told I sucked as a God mother, I thought I was perfect, and I was the one who pushed my mother to her death!! I know I have shamed them by holding them accountable for their behavior ..He didn’t say I pushed her to her death he said I pushed her so hard while she was dying…  I feel a little better today. I suffered a very rough day yesterday. I want to start new but am now doubting everything… For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month… I feel like crap. I haven’t slept all night. I had tremors all night.. I was actually doing really well setting boundaries and loving myself… I’m in such a bad depressive spiral… I am just numb, is this normal? I haven’t slept more than 4 hours in days. The body tremors have eased. The depression and hopelessness is intense at times mostly at night. How could all of this happen to me so suddenly. I was on the path to happiness. I had bad anxiety but I was finding happiness in my days. I want that back in my life.. the fact my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness kills me.. I want to feel again.. I feel so low! I hate this feeling. It is so scary.. Today is a bad day. I was much stronger and productive yesterday.. I actually feel a little better…very sad and going on 5 days no sleep. why do I deserve this? I have been so good to people.

    June 2019: “Feel empty and longing for my family. I am so isolated.  I feel like I should just communicate with my brothers and tell them how I feel and what I expect?.. I feel that I don’t deserve this empty feeling. I am too good of a person to be alone and depressed! Will I feel again? I am so numb today!… I was so positive I could do this journey alone yesterday and now today hopeless!  It’s the loss of sleep…Now I am stuck with shame and guilt. I feel worthless again, no ambition. I feel my power has been took away for good. I was finally somewhere where I felt good about me.. Why didn’t I hold onto myself I was doing so good!! I feel like I was on the brink of escaping childhood brainwashing and now all of those beliefs run through my head again.. I was feeling so confident and happy.. I was on my way to a happily ever after. I really was. .I want that happier me back! I want my power back!.. I lashed out and said they don’t make a path for me that his family is disrespectful. I then got up and said I couldn’t take any more and left the house”.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by  anita.
    #300551

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    It may help you, before reading this post, to read your own words as I quoted you above and take your own notes, try to see patterns, repetitions and so forth.

    Some of my input regarding the patterns I see:

    1. You described yourself as a people pleaser. You are a very angry people pleaser, so after doing some pleasing, you lash out angrily, ragefully, at the person you pleased, a person… is no longer pleased.

    2. You are often impulsive, not thoughtful or measured in your words, behaviors and choices.

    3. You get an understanding of a particular person and situation, then you doubt or forget that understanding. The way you view other people change drastically- one day he/she is good, next- bad. Same with you viewing your own self- one day you are good, a victim of abuse and angry at those abusing you, next you are bad, full of shame and guilt, angry at yourself.

    Your self image and the images of others change from good to bad to good and everyone is a narcissist (that is, bad) at one point or another. You considered or referred to almost all the people in your life as narcissists, including yourself.

    4. Your selective memory: you have a moment of joy in a month or a year, and seems like you think that the whole month or year was happy and joyful, forgetting that most of it was miserable.

    5. The truth: your mother was a bad mother to you. You really were abused and neglected by your mother, your father and your older brother. You tried your best to take care of your mother, waiting and waiting to be loved in return, to be her priority, to finally be taken care of, and that never happened.

    Naturally, the child that you were was very angry, and she still is. You are stuck in the pattern or reaching out to family members so to be loved and be taken care of and lashing out at them angrily. You are very likely to be stuck in this pattern in a relationship with anyone, in personal relationships, at work and anywhere else. You are yet to have a relationship free of this pattern of reaching out to the person and then lashing out, and then again, repeat.

    You get confused: you doubt that you were abused when you were abused (all through your childhood) and you see abuse where it is not (later in life). Every time you think that you are abused you lash out, and then you regret it because you get confused: was there abuse, who abused whom and who is the narcissist of the day.

    Let me know what you think of my input so far, will you?

    anita

    #300585

    Nichole
    Participant

    Wow, well thank you kindly for studying my life and putting it so well in words. I cannot deny you are correct. Especially that last sentence. I do look for abuse because I am used to it and I am trying not to be. I do not know how to separate abuse from someone just being themselves which just might be toxic over all. One thing I will say is that you and I disagree strongly about narcissism and yes I have named everyone a narcissist in my life mostly. It is not uncommon for someone to be surrounded by narcissist when they were raised by one. And most people in my family have definitely gaslit me. They tried very hard to change my perception of reality. And that is not ok, that is abuse.

    I just want an abuse free life. Is that so hard to ask for?

    I am definitely a people please but have worked on this consistently and have kept boundaries which I am proud of. I discovered I was an angry people please so I decided not to do this anymore. That is why during this time I only did what I could for family and did not fall into people pleasing habits. I took care of me first and then helped but I guess I need to get even firmer with boundaries. It should not be this way. I should be able to give and show love for my family and receive it back but because my family is highly narcissistic this is impossible.

    Yes I am impulsive but also worked on this. But have lots to work on regarding fight or flight impulsiveness that I react on.

    Yes I am usually doubtful and forgetful. I learned this is a trait of cptsd that I have. I forget things and instance often and then remember the next day hence the inconsistency in myself and others. How do I fix this? I hate this!!

    Very selective memory, part of the same problem 🙁

    Number 5 is sad. I don’t want to believe my mom abused me. I know it wasn’t intentional. Going through my recovery I see that this is hard work and as a single mom and abused woman herself she tried her best!! I just want to hold her and let her know how loved she is, she never loved herself and that makes me so damn sad! This is something that hits me hard. My mom was a sweet woman who I believe tried in life. More than my father and siblings.

    I am confused. But also enlightened by this. I feel hopeful that I am on a path to recovery and just need to enjoy the ride instead of fighting my circumstances.

    I had a hard life so far! I deserve to be kind to myself during recovery but I definitely have work to do!!

    One thing I am trouble by an always will be is the fact that my family are just hurt individuals who I do not believe intend on abusing. I believe they are not aware and are only loving people the way they love themselves. I did this for a long time in life. I was controlling, judgmental and only people pleasing thinking it was love. I am no different. Until now that I am in recovery. So how not forgive these people who are and were probably abused themselves?

     

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