July 1, 2019 at 12:24 pm #301645
Your innocence was stolen long time ago, in your very first decade of life.
“Like where is the love”?- the love didn’t disappear lately, it wasn’t there for you for three decades. The moments of love that you did experience, those were too few and too far apart.
Maybe staying in Chicago is a good idea, depending on those “few contacts here in the Chicago area” that you mentioned. But to keep reaching out to your family for the love that hasn’t been there for so long, and considering your anger about that love not being there for you, that doesn’t seem to me like a good idea.
But as you must know, this… is your life to experience, and you get to make the choices.
July 2, 2019 at 2:21 pm #301857
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by anita.
Last you posted you had your belongings in your car and .. I wonder where you are now. I wonder if you are staying at your father’s/brother’s apartment. If you are, I hope you are comfortable there.
anitaJuly 5, 2019 at 11:40 pm #302127
I did not go to family. I have been in hotels and AirBnb. But is getting far too expensive to live like this. I’ve been looking into apartments. I have not found anything yet but have a good one tomorrow!
Tonight it is 1:30 am and I am up thinking of my mom. I am sad. I miss that woman. She was a kind soul and I’d give everything to hold her and love her. The guilt and blame come and go. I know ultimately it was not my fault. But boy do I wish I could go back and have the knowledge and love I have now so I could give her some. I know now she suffered from ptsd in a bad way. That woman was traumatized! She needed to love herself and she needed to get out of the stress she was living! It is sad for me. I loved her so much and know if she was here she would be someone who may not like my decisions but she wouldn’t turn on me the way my family is. I am sad tonight. Feels never ending when I think of my mom. Life feels so empty without her. And on top of my gypsie lifestyle it is stressful.July 6, 2019 at 6:05 am #302139
Maybe it is time for you to start a new thread so that you don’t see the title every time you turn on the computer, as it may encourage you to feel that “guilt and pain”?
For a child, there is nothing or no one more precious than the mother, the woman who holds us when we are babies, who smiles at us when we are young children, when she smiles.. I smile at the image myself as I type you this, as I hold the image of my own mother in mind. That love never goes away.
I learned in life that the more distant the mother, the more the adult child loves the mother, sort of … forever trying to reach that distant mother, in life and in death. If you think of yourself as a tree and your love as the roots of the tree, and if you think of your mother’s love as water, then the less water, the longer your roots grow in search of that water.
Your mother, like mine, was otherwise occupied and not there to love you, the bit here and the bit there were too far in between. You are on your own now, but then… you always have been on your own, without enough love for you to rest in and thrive in.
I sure hope you find an apartment soon and I am quite impressed that you made it so far without knocking on your father’s/brother’s apartment door or on our aunt’s door or on any family member’s door.
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 8:12 am #302529
i was impressed as well that I had not gone to anyone but now I am just losing my mind!!
i haven’t found an apartment. Staying in hotels and Airbnb’s.
i am honestly losing my mind
the physical symptoms are worse these days. Severe headaches. Pulsing throughout my body. My back is so tense it hurts!
This has to be the most stressed I have ever been.
I don’t think I can even handle this anymore
i reached out to an old guy friend in a weak moment. He basically offered me to live with him and start a life over in Puerto Rico. It sounds nice but this is just the little girl in me that wants to be saved. The reason I’m telling you this is not because I am going to do it but because I am seriously getting to this point where I am losing me! My negative thoughts and beliefs are rushing in like never before. What do I do?
I feel so badly like going to someone in my family. It is so sad what happened between my aunt and I. She was always there for and I know it wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t live together. But now there is no turning back. But she was the safest place I could think of. When I turned to her after my mom died she made me feel so comfortable. I would go to her house every night. I just need comfort and safety but I don’t feel that anywhere and can’t think of a place I would. My ex crossed my mind as well. I know these are bad but I am losing it. I feel so discombobulated. How could my life be this bad right now? My money is dwindling and my dreams as well.
Help me ?July 9, 2019 at 9:47 am #302555
You have all your belongings in your car, correct? Or if these are in a hotel room, it is easy to repack and place those in your car? And your car is running?
How about driving out of Chicago, to a state you have never been in before, perhaps Nevada, you choose. Start anew, far away, within the U.S?
Tell me what you think.
anitaJuly 9, 2019 at 10:41 am #302585
That frightens me. It honestly doesJuly 9, 2019 at 10:45 am #302591
How do you feel about contacting your younger brother so to stay with him and with your father for a while, this is where you lived when you first started this thread?
And how do you feel about contacting your aunt, where you lived after moving out from your brother’s/ father’s apartment?
Any other options you are considering?
anitaJuly 11, 2019 at 9:46 am #302927
I hope you are okay, I hope you found somewhere to rest and become clear, have clarity about what to do next.
anitaJuly 14, 2019 at 7:50 am #303257
im not sure what to do. I’m pretty sure it is my ego that will not let me contact them. But I’ve been spending 70 a night on hotels such a waste of my hard earned money! I was tempted to sleep in my car last night. I have an apartment won’t be ready until the 1st.
i don’t know where I am getting the strength to hang in there.
i also don’t want to spend 700 for living in hotels for next two weeks
my money is dwindling and I feel like that’s just another stress making me feel crazy.
life is so rough right now Anita. I wish I had anyone to go to! I’ve been so alone in this journey.
i don’t deserve this!July 15, 2019 at 8:56 am #303373
Good thing you have an apartment on the first. Why not stay the next two weeks at your brother’s/ father’s apartment? I mean, you are staying in Chicago, you want and insist on continuing interacting with family members in Chicago, why not stay there for two weeks?