Home→Forums→Tough Times→GUILT AND PAIN AFTER MOTHERS DEATH
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July 1, 2019 at 12:24 pm #301645
AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Your innocence was stolen long time ago, in your very first decade of life.
“Like where is the love”?- the love didn’t disappear lately, it wasn’t there for you for three decades. The moments of love that you did experience, those were too few and too far apart.
Maybe staying in Chicago is a good idea, depending on those “few contacts here in the Chicago area” that you mentioned. But to keep reaching out to your family for the love that hasn’t been there for so long, and considering your anger about that love not being there for you, that doesn’t seem to me like a good idea.
But as you must know, this… is your life to experience, and you get to make the choices.
anita
July 2, 2019 at 2:21 pm #301857AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Last you posted you had your belongings in your car and .. I wonder where you are now. I wonder if you are staying at your father’s/brother’s apartment. If you are, I hope you are comfortable there.
anita
July 5, 2019 at 11:40 pm #302127
NicholeParticipantDear Anita,
I did not go to family. I have been in hotels and AirBnb. But is getting far too expensive to live like this. I’ve been looking into apartments. I have not found anything yet but have a good one tomorrow!
Tonight it is 1:30 am and I am up thinking of my mom. I am sad. I miss that woman. She was a kind soul and I’d give everything to hold her and love her. The guilt and blame come and go. I know ultimately it was not my fault. But boy do I wish I could go back and have the knowledge and love I have now so I could give her some. I know now she suffered from ptsd in a bad way. That woman was traumatized! She needed to love herself and she needed to get out of the stress she was living! It is sad for me. I loved her so much and know if she was here she would be someone who may not like my decisions but she wouldn’t turn on me the way my family is. I am sad tonight. Feels never ending when I think of my mom. Life feels so empty without her. And on top of my gypsie lifestyle it is stressful.
July 6, 2019 at 6:05 am #302139AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Maybe it is time for you to start a new thread so that you don’t see the title every time you turn on the computer, as it may encourage you to feel that “guilt and pain”?
For a child, there is nothing or no one more precious than the mother, the woman who holds us when we are babies, who smiles at us when we are young children, when she smiles.. I smile at the image myself as I type you this, as I hold the image of my own mother in mind. That love never goes away.
I learned in life that the more distant the mother, the more the adult child loves the mother, sort of … forever trying to reach that distant mother, in life and in death. If you think of yourself as a tree and your love as the roots of the tree, and if you think of your mother’s love as water, then the less water, the longer your roots grow in search of that water.
Your mother, like mine, was otherwise occupied and not there to love you, the bit here and the bit there were too far in between. You are on your own now, but then… you always have been on your own, without enough love for you to rest in and thrive in.
I sure hope you find an apartment soon and I am quite impressed that you made it so far without knocking on your father’s/brother’s apartment door or on our aunt’s door or on any family member’s door.
anita
July 9, 2019 at 8:12 am #302529NicholeParticipantAnita,
i was impressed as well that I had not gone to anyone but now I am just losing my mind!!
i haven’t found an apartment. Staying in hotels and Airbnb’s.
i am honestly losing my mind
the physical symptoms are worse these days. Severe headaches. Pulsing throughout my body. My back is so tense it hurts!
This has to be the most stressed I have ever been.
I don’t think I can even handle this anymore
i reached out to an old guy friend in a weak moment. He basically offered me to live with him and start a life over in Puerto Rico. It sounds nice but this is just the little girl in me that wants to be saved. The reason I’m telling you this is not because I am going to do it but because I am seriously getting to this point where I am losing me! My negative thoughts and beliefs are rushing in like never before. What do I do?
I feel so badly like going to someone in my family. It is so sad what happened between my aunt and I. She was always there for and I know it wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t live together. But now there is no turning back. But she was the safest place I could think of. When I turned to her after my mom died she made me feel so comfortable. I would go to her house every night. I just need comfort and safety but I don’t feel that anywhere and can’t think of a place I would. My ex crossed my mind as well. I know these are bad but I am losing it. I feel so discombobulated. How could my life be this bad right now? My money is dwindling and my dreams as well.
Help me ?
July 9, 2019 at 9:47 am #302555AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
You have all your belongings in your car, correct? Or if these are in a hotel room, it is easy to repack and place those in your car? And your car is running?
How about driving out of Chicago, to a state you have never been in before, perhaps Nevada, you choose. Start anew, far away, within the U.S?
Tell me what you think.
anita
July 9, 2019 at 10:41 am #302585NicholeParticipantThat frightens me. It honestly does
July 9, 2019 at 10:45 am #302591AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
How do you feel about contacting your younger brother so to stay with him and with your father for a while, this is where you lived when you first started this thread?
And how do you feel about contacting your aunt, where you lived after moving out from your brother’s/ father’s apartment?
Any other options you are considering?
anita
July 11, 2019 at 9:46 am #302927AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I hope you are okay, I hope you found somewhere to rest and become clear, have clarity about what to do next.
anita
July 14, 2019 at 7:50 am #303257NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
im not sure what to do. I’m pretty sure it is my ego that will not let me contact them. But I’ve been spending 70 a night on hotels such a waste of my hard earned money! I was tempted to sleep in my car last night. I have an apartment won’t be ready until the 1st.
i don’t know where I am getting the strength to hang in there.
i also don’t want to spend 700 for living in hotels for next two weeks
my money is dwindling and I feel like that’s just another stress making me feel crazy.
life is so rough right now Anita. I wish I had anyone to go to! I’ve been so alone in this journey.
i don’t deserve this!
July 15, 2019 at 8:56 am #303373AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
Good thing you have an apartment on the first. Why not stay the next two weeks at your brother’s/ father’s apartment? I mean, you are staying in Chicago, you want and insist on continuing interacting with family members in Chicago, why not stay there for two weeks?
anita
July 18, 2019 at 3:22 pm #303845NicholeParticipantHi Anita,
i am suffering so hard from ptsd. The fear today has been real.
i am so scared right now as I sit in an air bnb room. Terrified at life and everything.
today is the first time I feel like this. Can’t even think of the other stuff I have been through just so scared of life. Scared I did the wrong thing by getting an apartment here or one at all. What if I get so depressed I cannot afford it. What if I fail and become homeless. I am so nervous all the time but today I am painfully scared of life. I wish I could just have someone to go to!! I think I need to Anita. I can no longer do this alone!
I am on the verge of a breakdown.
i read fear and scared of life is a major sysmptom of ptsd. It is in full force right now. Trying to ride the wave until it goes away. I need help. My body feels tense and full of stress!
July 18, 2019 at 4:45 pm #303851AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
I am so sorry, Nichole, that you are feeling this badly. I know how it feels to be “on the verge of a breakdown”- but you don’t have to break down, it is not an inevitability. You can be okay, really. Think of it at least as a possibility: you can be okay today. Not okay forevermore, but this evening.
Take slow deep breaths. I think you did the right thing getting an apartment in Chicago because you were not and are not ready to move anywhere else. You have only 12 days to go till you move to your apartment. Like I suggested, it may be okay for you to stay at your father’s/younger brother’s apartment, tomorrow maybe, until the first of August, your move in date.
I will be away from the computer for a short while but will be back to check if you reply in the next hour or so.
anita
July 18, 2019 at 4:53 pm #303855NicholeParticipantI haven’t even spoke to them. I don’t even know what to say. I am upset with them but couldn’t even possibly discuss this at this point. I am also terrified of them. I feel like this is what my family wanted. Me depressed and anxious so I come running back. It is so unfair. I was finally managing life Anita and now I feel I am losing my mind! I’m so damn scared right now!! I wish I had something to bring this down! I am so scared. I am deep breathing. Have a hot water bottle for my kidneys and positive self talk. This is all body right now. Nothing I can do!
July 18, 2019 at 5:20 pm #303857AnonymousGuestDear Nichole:
You can do it, you survived a whole lot of trouble and you will survive this too. You can do it, I am sure of it. This is a difficult time but if you make it through this and learn from what happened, this can be the beginning of a new life for you. Even in that first chapter of Genesis, “In the beginning..” it was a mess, but order was made in six days, some organization done every day until the world looked pretty nice. You can organize your life bit by bit too, every single day and before you know it, life will look and feel so much better than it does now.
anita
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