Dear Mike,

Who knows, maybe this is oddly another chance for both of you to come closer when things have reached a real low point?

She is at a point grappling with not being able to have children easily – for a woman, that is devastating to say the least. You didn’t support her the way a spouse should during the time and indulged more in computer games. She didnt communicate her misery either and succumbed to support in a maladaptive way – infidelty.

Regarding swearing on her grandpa, I hope he is well and that gosh, she must have been really a mess to lie like that…doesn’t sound like someone with a record of being a bad partner in the past and seems like a caring person in reality.

Both of you may benefit greatly from couples therapy to work out the above issues – learn wats to be better partners in a marriage. It’s been 2 years – still early – you want to be with her still…see this as a time when one of you has to stay strong to save the marriage and move forward.

I also have a suggestion regarding PCOS – I am not sure which age group your spouse is in right now but weight management, proper medication, hormone balancing foods are immensely helpful. I have heard about a natural remedy called vitex too though i do not have first hand experience with this.

It is difficult to conceive but not impossible especially if her age group isn’t too much on the older scale. It would be helpful if she had someone by her side to find a solution. However, that part of course is for the future when things are figured out.

The question though is – are you willing to have a future with her and have both of you fight through this difficult time?

Regards
Nina

Hey csihdu,

This is very common for people of our age group. Have had too many friends tell me this about their other circles.

My suggestion would be to simply spend less time with them. Stay in touch but less frequently, more towards an activity that you like and they may find acceptable too – instead of movie at home, say a nice blockbuster and a fun time bowling instead. Then say bye and scram 😛 Text them once in a while, call infrequently – don’t disappear but don’t be too much into hanging out either.

Who knows maybe in a couple of years they will change too and you might just have a common wavelength after all?

Meanwhile get closer to those friends who are more your type. It’s okay to do this, some friendships drift away once in a while when there are way too many marked differences and no common view to hold it together.

So relax and enjoy your life in your own way. You are doing alright it seems and kudos for posting here. I could really identify with what you described in terms of peer group. Partying till 5 am isn’t for everyone, some people are just kinda “deep” compared to their age.

No point pretending to be someone else.

Regards,
Nina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Nina Sakura.

Dear greenshade,

Most of us get bogged down by negativity – work pressure, home pressure, commute pressure, difficulty in finding trust worthy people, intrinsic lack of motivation. So hence the cynicism and weariness to suck it up.

Or as the others called it – being the grumpy grown up.

So in order to be the “un-grumpy” grown-up, my advice is three-fold:-

1) Pursue something fun on the side that you enjoyed as a younger person. Maybe your secret love is music, writing, bike rides, photography etc without performance pressure. Have some variety in experience for the time you don’t have your work-place around you.

2) Regarding movies, songs, speeches – I can suggest the following :

A) speeches – listen to the Rocky Balboa speech which he gives to his son.

B) Movies like October Sky, Shawshank Redemption, The Motorcycle diaries, Bhag Milkha Bhag (Indian movie), The Great Debators, The Lady, Peaceful Warrior, Limitless, this movie about a guy who can travel in time (not the time travellers wife, another movie) etc inspire me often.

3) Most importantly, understand what drives you.

Do you settle into routine and just get stuck in a mundane life going through the motions? We only get one life and the days pass by so quickly. That’s why being brow beaten about life is a waste – everyone will die eventually, why be “kinda dying from within” already? Even if every day is the same, it can be beautiful by altering ones perception of whatever we have in our life.

I hope this helps a bit.

Regards,
Nina

Dear Audrey,

Well that understanding I speak of has come from experience in my current relationship which has become long distance at the moment.

Let me explain the context a bit and then you can get an idea of what can be done with regard to your situation.

My anxiety in the initial phase related to security issues in his country and risk of life. Combined with that was his lack of texting, limited calling which shot my anxiety through the roof. Then of course a part of me was scared that what if he is bored of me or something.

I did tell him very clearly to not disappear for several hours in a day without writing ‘I am okay’ on text. I explained why I felt worried when he vanished. Of course he messed up on several occasions and found myself googling his country for bad news.

However please note that he doesn’t do the suddenly not calling for days thing.

Then over time, I got less anxious and told myself to let go of trying to control something that I couldnt. So I did exactly the contrary to what I was feeling – I stopped trying to enquire so much if he is okay and told myself he will be fine. Even if something happened, what could I do from here by worrying?

What really helped was that boyfriend had a good history of follow up when we were dating before LDR – he wasn’t overtly communicative but he didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t on his mind, that I wasn’t a priority.

So oddly invisible understanding developed – I trusted him, I gave up trying to control the situation – he knew I would understand his side of the situation and still made attempt to call me after his really hectic days (10 hours of work+family occasion and then back home at 1 am with office at 8 am again). Did I ask him to call here? Nope, I rather texted him that he needs to rest and sleep.

I realise our set of challenges are different but I think you can see that some ground rules help, some adjustment and patience from both sides is needed. Sometimes this adjustment has to be explicit or it implicitely happens over time.

Regards,
Nina

I have talks about issues with people only when I am calmner – just wanted to clarify that retreating doesn’t mean I don’t talk about the problem with the other person.

Claref,

I think you can see that your behaviour in these situations isn’t acceptable – throwing laptop, cups is over the top considering the gravity of the situation. Your present bpyfriend will find this unpleasant no doubt and it is very difficult for one person to always be on their guard all the time for fear of upseting you. Is it always possible for you or for anyone for that matter to have that kind of control over words 24×7?

Its time you get to the root of this and manage better. Consider for instance why you are so anxious related to this person and why there has been a pattern of volatile relationships? What did you see in these men and why did the last relation end?

I understand the hormonal problems involved in mood and strongly recommend seeing a therapist and physician for these issues.

Regards,
Nina

Dear cydie,

From what I can gather based on what you wrote, you were not too keen on the relationship in the first place, you found his view on life rather pessimistic, some of his reactions plain annoying and feel obligated in a way to stay.

It hasn’t even been a year and you are already this tired. He has issues with space and is acting like someone who needs a therapist more than a girlfriend to fix his issues.

I am sorry to say this but you can’t fix his issues. And frankly though two people in a relationship are imperfect, they somehow click, complement each other – sounds like you two aren’t quite complementing eachother much on a regular basis..

It’s better you take a break from the relationship and ask him to resolve his negative, immature attitude himself – it’s not your job to fix him just because you were dating.

Regards
Nina