Forum Replies Created
March 9, 2017 at 8:44 am in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #138251
Hi Niki, kindly read the comments posted by the other members. And if possible, acknowledge their effort to help you.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Nina Sakura.
Go see a qualified nutritionist and change your relationship with food. You see it as a form of control towards your body and yourself. The truth is, food is simply meant to give you nutrients and energy. Please allow yourself to eat treats once in a while in small portions. Even I have a sweeth tooth but I am prone to weight gain and have a family history of diabetes.
So instead of wolfing down sweets when I am happy, upset, outside, inside house, bored, I go and buy a tiny, expensive dark chocolate bar once a week or a good gelato. The rest of the week I eat and workout to make my body healthy and an energy powerhouse.
This means a diet with enough calories, proper macro-nutrients and at proper intervals, portions rather than crash dieting, going hungry for hours which makes me crave sweets. Keeping busy will stop the thoughts on in and out, sweets. See this as a life long commitment to stay healthy rather than a weight loss regime.
Opting for low GI foods and cutting out added sugar helps most. A cheat meal once a week is fine to stay sane.
Instead of preparing a big portion of oroes, buy a small packet and enjoy it for the taste. You are restricting too much and after a point, you will get fed up of it.
Try flavoured herbal teas like Apple cinnamon, pomegranate which are sweeter in flavor if you are craving a sweet drink during the week.
Work on your relationship with how you see food and exercise. Doing yoga sounds like an awesome idea actually. You can supplement it with a quick walk and isometric exercises to stay in shape.
Don’t despair. This craving problem is very normal actually and can be worked on.
The first week is the hardest. But once you get into a busy routine, go hang out with friends and unwind at your place, it will feel better. Sure you guys broke up and it feels weird now but that’s okay. Get used to your life in the new place. Find new things you enjoy. Do some art, exercise and cook.
Some days will be shitty but you gotta ride them out. When you get lonely at night, read a magazine or listen to some good music playlist. Do some stretching to relax. Journal if you feel like. You can do anything now. It’s your own place and you are free.
Please don’t go back to him because you feel alone. There is a reason you guys broke up. Always remember that.
You better get your hormone levels checked. All these yo-yo eating practises and weight loss on and off may have affected them. Get checked for PCOS and thyroid function. Consider getting your body fat percentage checked. BMI is a very limited way to check things.
Sometimes all these these on and off practises marked by inactivity raise this body fat percentage with minimal change in scale and we look bigger, feel sluggish and not lose weight like before. Consider trying out a combination of brisk walking coupled with sessions of resistant training followed by a high protein, fibre rich diet with healthy fats thrown in too. Crash dieting and starving will slow down your metabolism.
Please talk to your therapist more about these issues. Your focus needs to be more on getting healthy, have more energy and something underlying is clearly bothering you. Controlling your body and weight won’t solve that feeling.
Appreciate the post on breakups. However I don’t think this is applicable to death entirely. Breakup is a kind of loss too, a person dear to us departs from our life but they are alive. We can call them, see them and their life continues, just not with us. Death is different. There is no return. There are no answers for this pain, no respite no matter how many years pass. A void will always be there. This post will make less sense to someone who lost a parent, a child, a friend, a gf/bf or anyone dear to them. Much less to people who have watched their loved ones get sick and die. And no amount of positivity or rising above negative emotions will change the harsh reality of death. You can fall in love again after a breakup but the person who died won’t come back. I know you mean well brav3 but I am not very satisfied with the idea of equating breakups, death in the same category of coping with loss.
You want a loving girlfriend and you don’t want a child. Your vision and view of life is different from hers. These can differ to some extent in a couple but there needs to some basic meeting point and some minor adjustment from both ends to make it work.
However, I believe that these differences shouldn’t happen on big life issues like raising a child or not. Otherwise there is resentment and a feeling of being sitfled over time. Don’t raise a child if you dont want to and are absolutely certain of this. Don’t do it just for her.
When I say be brave and have more confidence, see the person who you have evolved from 10 years ago. Be brave like you have been. Be confident that life will go on despite anything and you will be alright.
Honor your own wishes even though ending things hurts and it’s scary to feel alone. I know you have feelings for her still but you gotta see eye to eye on the big stuff in life. Sometimes, love isn’t enough to make a relationship last. It’s not fair for her to change herself in such a major way for you and vice versa.
I hope that clears things up a bit.
Ask yourself three questions –
1. 5 years from now, what kind of life would you want from every angle?
2. What would you regret more?
3. Isn’t life something that we plan for and then eventually find throwing a curb-ball at us? If I asked you 10 years ago that would you see yourself with a woman, what would u have said? Don’t be scared. Have more confidence in what you can take.
I wish I could have told you half the stories I thought in my head when bf and I had low communication spells. I can have a good laugh now about how silly I must have appeared when I inevitably had melt-downs over imagined situations. I would be too fatigued by all the thinking of what was going wrong to feel like focusing on other things.
The root problem wasn’t him actually. It was my own perception of the situation and the relationship. I realised my own trust issues and the core belief I had of being sorta unlovabale and the dislike to appear needy.
It didn’t have anything to do with home though. A lot of it was related to the poor peer group I had in my teens who were plain malicious and emotionally abusive. I didn’t see it until many years later as to how much of the negativity I had internalised from them. I also suffered from a tendency towards clinical depression, partly genetic.
So awareness of what, why and how is important.
What are the thought?
Why are they there? (Identify the core belief)
How can I feel better?
All this is part of something called emotional intelligence which requires you to be aware of your feelings, find ways to work with them.
Do look it up sometime and learn a few techniques on how to develop it.
I hope you feel better and please know that we all feel this in a long distance but the part where you need to do something is when your work is getting badly affected.
This is normal. Feeling distracted, more so when you are forced to focus on the books in comparison to being out working. I have the same problem too and it was quite worse before.
The only way I know to deal with these distracting, distressing emotions is not to judge them and to ride them out. Instead of fixating on when you may talk to him next, when he will message you back, think in terms of study targets that need to be done for the day – the activities that have to be done.
I know you might be thinking “if only it’s that easy” – it is and isn’t.
You are anxious about exams and your anxiety is rising as you delay studying further.
Usually when I sit down to study, I keep my phone away or switch off the WiFi. I don’t switch it back on until I am done with an hour or two of work.
A million times, it will feel tempting to randomly message him when you miss him. Don’t do it immediately. Say you will do so just when you get done with these pages and this problem set. Create a reward mechanism for yourself.
When I go for exercise, I keep the phone on flight mode. I do not want to get distracted in case he calls.
Since he is the working one, by default, your routine is more adjustable compared to his. Exercise some discipline during this time.
Within a week or two, you will get habituated to this.
Please follow some of the suggestions by Anita as well.
Do you have any negative thoughts in particular when say, you guys don’t talk much for a few days?
This means that you are taking it too personally and turning it into a source of frustration. As Anita rightly pointed out, patience is key.
The question of why it’s there and whether it’s just a normal thing.
A part of it is normal. We humans like a sense of validation and achievement. We want to see our work being of use to others.
So it is normal to feel a bit impatient when we see people not following things and still struggling. We have already embarked on our own journey, done the work and now want others to enjoy the benefits too of starting positive changes. So the impatience comes when they don’t and their words sound more like excuses.
But like us at one point, they too are going at their own pace and will come through with proper guidance. Accepting this and nudging them is what is needed rather than feeling bad.
Frustration is a strong word though. Yes it can irritate but frustrate happens when we begin to question our effectiveness and worth in terms of how well our suggestions are being taken.
I am not sure which is the case in your situation but either way, more patience is needed for yourself and the clients.
It’s been a month since the breakup. For now, please stop these unhelpful, hopeless thoughts. Your concerns on being older are real no doubt but comparing yourself to others will eventually push you into depression.
Here is the deal – yeah having babies after 35 gets harder. Even harder after 40. But there are modern fertility treatments available which are available for many working women who have decided to have children later. There is also adoption bdw which is frankly a really beautiful idea.
All you can do for now is to ensure that you are at a healthy body weight, are physically active, do proper strength training and eat right. There is no substitute for exercise especially.
The next thing would be to find your center outside boyfriend and baby. What is it in life you look forward to outside these two things? What gets you excited? What are your hobbies and passions?
After a few months, ask your friends to set you up when you are emotionally ready. Try online dating. It is perfectly normal to want a family but be willing to work on you as well. Read good books, do deep breathing, journal when you start feeling overwhelmed by misery and despair. These emotions will come on and off post the breakup but you gotta ride out this dragon.
Thats ironically the starting over.
For now, clean up your life-style and find a new activity to keep you engaged.
Never too late. Always a way forward.
Well the therapist can give measures, make the person see things clearly but at the end of the day people have to do their homework to get the results. This is applicable even when diseases like obesity, diabetes, heart disease are looked at.
Instead of taking their lack of effort as a reflection of your inability, try to understand that you can encourage them to take baby steps, be accountable to change. There is a reason why many prefer a group class or trainer than exercising alone. The former provides a push and group pressure to do the necessary work.
Manage yourself better when you feel frustrated at their lack of progress. Understand that this will take more time.
Even with paid clients, find means to bring in accountability and to motivate them to find time in small slots. Will-power is a finite resource and is like a muscle in a static state. It needs exercise and rest to grow.February 24, 2017 at 3:17 am in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #129167
I suggest you go talk to him first. Do not rush into marriage. That’s the last thing you should do now. Until he is able to win back your trust, don’t make any commitment like this. He will say lot of emotional stuff to you but his actions speak louder than words. Let his actions be good enough for you to trust him again.
This is a suggestion from my side – Ask him to first convince his family to let you work. Make sure this is said in front of your parents with other people in a public gathering. If they don’t agree, he should live away from them and continue doing his duties as a son – simply not living in the same house. If being with you and respecting you is so important to him, he can do this.
Rest is up to you. I don’t believe in the logic that a guy changes after marriage to stand up for you. If he can’t even do it now, when will he? This change your dad is talking of happens in Hindi movies. His family has done enough to control him. It’s time he actually shows if he is serious. Very easy to say sweet words after causing you so much pain. Don’t buy his words so literally.February 24, 2017 at 12:08 am in reply to: He Left me after 7 years together for Conservative Parents.. Help me Please! #129159
Go meet him once. Hear him out.
After that, think hard and make your choice. My two cents- I can only say that if the trust is already gone, the relationship has fallen apart on a very basic level.
He shouldn’t have cut contact with you in such a cold way if he really cared. It doesn’t matter how unwell his parents or he was. If he actually wanted, I am sure an email, a message, through a friend etc would have been possible.
How can you trust him to be there for you through thick and thin?
His attitude towards his parents is still the same and eventually after marriage, especially knowing Indian society, I can vouch for it that in this culture, you will be coaxed/forced/emotionally blackmailed into giving up working.
See the emotional blackmail now only.
Do you think he will change so much afterarriage when his family will officially have relationship with you too?
Already they control him so much, then it will start with you too.
I know you love him a lot but love isn’t enough to make a relationship and marriage last. There needs to be trust, understanding and respect too.
NinaFebruary 23, 2017 at 9:01 pm in reply to: Do happy, successful, fulfilling relationships exist? #129143
Hey heartbroken girl
You may not believe it right now but they do. There is no “perfect” relationship, person or situation though. It’s subjective individually but there are some universal principles like self-respect, trust and understanding which are needed.
I will tell you about the 2 best relationships I have seen while growing up. One would be of my parents who had an arranged marriage and that of my best friend whose parents had a love marriage.
The one common things I noticed in both were level of trust and understanding that was there. I can’t say too much about my friends parents cuz I don’t live with him but I can give you an example of mom and dad.
My dad told me a few months back on a Sunday afternoon that he wants to do more so that he can provide my mother with more comforts in life. Even though he is out at 8 am and gets back home at 9:30 pm, looks visibly tired, I have noticed time and again that he will head to the kitchen and do the dishes if there are any. He will arrange things a bit and help us in cooking dinner. Mom has never asked him to do it but he knows that she likes a very organized, clean kitchen.
Then there are days when he is exhausted, cranky and likes to space out in front of the TV. She tells the other family members to leave him alone then and just puts his food without asking and comes back later. I have seen her time and again exercise immense patience over dad’s several dietary restrictions due to health issues which makes it harder for her to prepare meals. The bottom line is, she knows his needs very well and so does he.
Of course they have arguments once in a while. They are very different people but can’t stay away from each other for too long. I sometimes suspect it’s the case of being in love by showing rather than saying it a million times a day.
The best thing I have learned from them is to have patience and make respect, trust a two way process.
Always have the best intentions and believe the other person to do the same for you. This is something I can’t intellectually explain. It’s invisible like the air but it’s there.
I can give you more examples too of married friends but the above is the one I know best. The basics are same in all with variations here and there.
Now you will ask me, what about cases like you and me – the relatively younger, unmarried ones?
I would say have a healthy relationship with yourself first. Look for a solid, good human being whom you can imagine spending the rest of your life with despite their flaws.
The person whom you recently ended things with was someone you had a connection with. Surely there is a reason why things ended and you need to honor that instead of beating yourself up. I do feel it’s important to no contact them for a few months and move forward with your life, pick up the pieces and discover yourself again.
If both of you are really meant to be, you will be back again after the waiting period with more maturity and appreciation. If not, then you can still always stay good friends and real the benefits of inner growth.
Be with someone because you want to, not because you are terrified of being alone.
PS – sorry about the rather long, rambling post. I hope it made some sense.