Dear Driftword,

I am indeed another user who regularly posts here on few topics here and there. Usually I read through such posts and remain silent as I have no experience or insight in these kind of cases. However, I felt that Sammis case was authentic though i was rather baffled by the quality of her writing.

Anita and I have interacted here before. I respect her opinion and contribution here immensely though our views can be divergent once in a while. I hope that clears up any confusion 🙂

Regards
Nina

PS – Nina Sakura is the name of an anime charecter from “Ultra Maniac”.

Dear chokko,

Very glad to hear of your resolve. I wish you the best – do post here whenever you feel like. In case of yoga, you can begin with very basic asanas to stretch out the body. I admit yoga is something I don’t do regularly but I make it a point to strech often now. I often watch lot of spiritual lectures on managing the mind, especially by the Vedanta Swamis…not religious one really, more about combined psychology and wisdom of the Upanishads. Breathing exercises are useful too such as Nadi Shuddi.

Hope you find your way

Regards
Nina

Well emotional intelligence takes time -one doesn’t unlearn old responses and habits built up over years in few moments just by reading books or seeing videos.

What helps most though is concentration and deattachment – to be present where you are and also be able to shift your focus away when really required…so for instance when you are eating dinner for even 20 minutes with someone, really just be thinking of the dinner and the moment. You aren’t in court room anymore for those 20 minutes. Do not worry about any calls. Just be there, really there. Allow yourself that form of relaxation for few times a week. To really space out and rest without the sleep. That takes emotional regulation, a part of emotional intelligence.

There are other things that too like relationships, own interests, other goals. Your job doesn’t represent all the type of people in the world or every situation – a set of bad situations no doubt but not the entire thing.

And yes everyone slips up here but patience is like a muscle, it requires regular training.

Dear chokko,

It would be best if you seek help for derealization and depression.

These thoughts are rather a symptom of the mind being frayed by something else. These thoughts prevent a reasonable functioning on a daily basis because they further perpetuate depression as everything feels damn pointless.

Other than meditation, get involved in a physically taxing activity like swimming or biking. Journal your thoughts often.

Death is a reality that has to be accepted. I have no clue about whether rebirth really happens but what we can do is make the best of our time here while we are still alive. This doesn’t mean just at 20, it means any time when you are still alive. Every moment has potential to be memorable, a learning curve.

Dear Reynolds,

This is all fine but I only have one point to add here – there is nothing wrong with him being who he is – a simple man. Don’t take it as a reflection of his feelings for you.

You may dress nicely for him. That’s your personal style of showing affection but his is different.

He has accepted your traits, you need to be more accepting of his as well which is that he makes efforts to dress up only if the occasion really demands it. He had his acne before when you met, you had the career even when u just met, why all these creams and clothes now?

Learn to be more accepting of your partners basic nature and don’t take it so personally if he remains simple. When he is ready, he will change but I don’t think it’s a good idea to push him for your sake. Pass him a cream or two sometimes but don’t make this a makeover project, we all aren’t 14 year olds anymore.

Regards,
Nina

I suppose your bond with your husband is really strong and thats why you don’t have fears about your importance to him.

However you want to be perceived as valuable to others. When they speak of other people fondly, it makes you feel like your value is being put into question. In other words you are personalising their view point though in reality they aren’t even comparing in any way. It’s you who is comparing.

To know how to cope with this, you need to understand why you feel this need to compete with for people you hardly know?

Is it because of the way things were when you were growing up where you felt alone and undervalued?

Do you struggle with poor self image? Do you feel like you have nothing good to offer as a person to them?

Do you have this belief that if they talk of others, they indirectly mean you are less important and your values are less so?

Usually this mild possessiveness is seen in very close friendships and romantic relationship but when it happens in every day interactions, it’s a sign of poor self worth. The healthier internal talk should be “they are great and so am I” rather than “oh no, they are so great and gosh, I suppose I am not, no one would talk so well of me”

What do you think?

Dear molmo,

I have had depressive issues too since my teens and faced the motivation issue especially in college. Totally understand the problem with getting out of bed – it’s very common with depression. I also struggled with the weirdest anxieties over the smallest things. It’s a long story but I will focus on a few things that helped me over the years-

1) Hows your sleep hygeine? Do you have a little of exercise during the day? These two things made a massive difference – things like having a proper cleaning up ritual before bed, sleeping by 11 PM and getting proper sleep.

Now regarding the part about getting out of bed, some days when I wanted to cry and just felt hopeless, I always had my diary right next to me or my old phone notes. I had this habit of writing letters to depressed me when I was in a more upbeat, clear state of mind. Things about myself that I loved, what I wanted from life and people who inspired me. Music didn’t work too much for me at that time. But this did.

2) I coped with anxiety by taking small steps, especially for social anxiety. A part of it had to do with interacting more little by little with people and being in situations that frightened me, but of course not something super terrifying in day 1 itself. I realised that though isolating was comfortable, it wasn’t a good idea for my age group and eventually I needed to have that confidence to face the world on my own

3) family and a few supportive friends – though they never entirely understood the problem, their small gestures and presence was immenselg helpful..we introverts do need a few people to really have strong association with, more so for people with depression – otherwize those hopeless feelings that stem from the disease are just unbearable. I remember on some days just hanging out with them when I didn’t want to simply because I knew it would make me feel a bit more alive from within to go outside the house, smell the fresh air.

4) I hate routine too and can’t overwork, take excessive pressure. So now I take less of that and keep parts of the schedule free for improvisation . I do think online school makes sense for now but I feel an alternative schooling where you need to interact with people is better.

The strange thing about gaining that confidence is to actually face those situations one by one despite being afraid, feeling low – you will start appreciating your inner strength and qualities more.

This lack of motivation, hopelessness, desire to isolate and anxiety are the depression talking. It’s not who you are

This illness changes the story you see and the one you tell yourself.

Now regarding why you are depressed, I don’t have a grand “why” – I always wanted a grand why to explain why I was like this – I have an awesome family, a few loyal friends, achievements to be proud of and a future to look forward to…so by textbook definition, can I be depressed? – yes I can even then – it’s a mood disorder. A lot of people experience depression even at the peak of their success – a huge part of this is a neurochemical issue, hormonal issues, maladpative thought process, actions too. And that’s okay. Accept it’s there, it can be managed and it’s not who you are – it’s just an illness.

So for now, please find ways to manage better – bring up these ideas in therapy. Ask your therapist about DBT in particular – it’s not used strictly for depression but it has helped in improving ones responses to real life situations in a more practical way.

Phew, sorry long post, lot of typos. Hope you write more soon.

Regards,
Nina

Dear Emma,

Indeed your friends and family are right about this one – time is the best healer and there is no alternative to it.

The body is so oddly linked to our mental state and vice versa. I am really sorry about the way things didnt work out with this guy. He was probably in some rebound phase and happened to meet you at that point.

Right now, though you probably don’t feel like eating, please eat sometimes and request a family member or friend to follow up with you sometimes. Your spirits will be worse if your body is languishing. I remember once when I lost about 12 pounds in a month after a break up (long relationship ended in an awful way) – gosh I was so depressed and didn’t even realise it…just used to eat once a day and work like a maniac, never cried once…then went back home and my mom was shocked. I just looked horrible and could barely eat – i have always been a happy eater all my life. Then I realised the damage I had done to my body and skin while trying to escape the bad feelings. It took a while though to get over things but it was worth it. Things do get better.

Please reach out to your friends and family at this point. Sometimes they won’t say very helpful things but it would be good to just be with them, spend time with them – you have had way too much stress going on. It’s time you took it a bit easy on yourself.

I know I haven’t been of great help, I don’t have any insights or advice to offer – just wanna say I understand how awful it’s been and anyone in your place would feel messed up inside. You are not alone in this.

Please do post again.

Regards,
Nina