Saman,

There is one word you used that qualifies your situation as an emergency; suicide. People tend to take care of their physical problems, but because of the stigma attached to them  by society, people disregard their mental health for fear of being labelled as not normal. The truth of the matter is your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and, I think in some situations such as yours, it is more important than physical health. When I was going in 3rd grade, it was the summer before, my step-dad decided to get rid of “the problem.” That would be me. So he took me to a family on the Dakota reservation called Rosebud. He said I would be spending the weekend with this family. That weekend turned out to be a little over 4 years! Talk about feeling worthless. When he dropped me off I remember him saying that he hopes that I amount to something, but said he had  his doubts. Well “the problem”, me,  went ahead 2 years and graduated high school at 15. It wasn’t until relatively recent, after his death, that I found out that he was not my biological father-I was led to believe all those years he was. When he was in the hospital dying of cancer, I went to see him, still n to knowing he was not my real father. The visit was brief. So I decided to step up and be the man and say, “Well I have to go. I love you dad.” He didn’t say anything. As I was walking out, I turned to him one last time and said, “Ya know this is the last time we will not see each other and you can’t even say I love you to me.” His answer was, “I never did.” My answer was, “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know .” He died that evening.

How about this bit of history. I went to Afghanistan in response to the 9/11 attack on America. I was married with one beautiful daughter. I had 30 minutes to say goodbye. I will never forget the look on my daughters face. I was there for barely over 13 months straight, literally without a break. 13 months of failing to save lives. 13 months of PTSD in the making. Still suffer with PTSD and survivors guilt, although because this is not how I want to be, I did many things to get a hold of those maladies. I wondered why everybody was getting letters on a weekly basis and not me. I got 3 letters the whole time I was there. My time in Afghanistan ended because I got hurt so bad that I could not walk for 9 months. It took a good year before I could walk again. When I left rehab in Germany to go home, I found out why I was not getting much needed letters. It was because my now ex was doing things with her new guy that newly married people do. If that wasn’t enough, I became yet another homeless veteran, even though it was 3 months. Still it was a very degrading thing that happened. What a welcome home. I took a long look at my life and said that this life is my life and this is not how I want my life to be. It mattered not what people said about me or thought about me. What mattered was how I thought about me. I remember while being homeless, I looked at myself in the polished stainless still mirrors in the bathroom at the beach. I stared at my self and told myself, I love you. I gave my self a hug and repeated the I love you several times.

Do not ever let anybody define who you are or what/how you want to be. NEVER EVER do that. I am not saying to you or anybody else that my story is worse than yours, or hers, or his. It was my hell. I tell people that as long as you feed your demons, they will feed you. Own your life my friend. Love yourself. Be the you that you want to be. But please, get some professional help for the suicide thoughts. When I was paralyzed, I’m not going to lie to you. I had a brief thought of offing myself. The initial reason I abandoned this thought was the vision I had of my daughter when I left. She wanted her dad to be strong, not a coward and weak planning a selfish act. Be strong my friend. Love yourself. Please. You are worth it.

Hey Poppy,

Sometimes I say to people, in a half joking way, that when people first meet with the hope that they will start a loving relationship,  I observe their behavior is a lot like creatures in the animal kingdom, specifically the Peacock. The male peacock will find a potential mate and to capture her attention, he does this fancy dance with his feathers all spread out accompanied by a loud screech. I think my mentioning that silly aspect of my personality is a good segue into what my philosophy on relationships is. Many people have said, and you may have said this too, that in a relationship it should be a 50/50 proposition. For some time I agreed with that until I gave the statement a long hard look. Something about it didn’t seem right and it took a number of years until I reformulated my opinion on that percentage which, I eventually rejected it for my current thought. That is, I do not believe that a relationship should be 50/50. as in percent I assume. I’ll put out half and you put out half and things will be fine. Riiiight. I think a relationship should be 100/100 as in percent. In a 50/50 relationship, what does the other one do with his/her other 50%?  Having said that, I have learned also that in any relationship, whether it be a personal one, a relationship with your work, whatever, there are 2 kinds of people. There are people of commitment and people of conformity. I think one would have potentially more problems with people of conformity. I say this because they have to conform to other rules already established. They have to negotiate what it is in return that they will get. It’s the old what’s-in-it-for-me concept. If the reward is attractive enough then of course conformity can be put into play by accepting what is viewed as a reasonable compromise. On the other hand, I think that you have potentially fewer problems, if any, by people of commitment. This is simply because they are committed in pursuit of that “perfect” relationship. That is not to say that commitment is not vulnerable. Things change, people change, adverse events occur that can influence that. But for the most part I believe that people of commitment have a better success rate in their relationships than people of conformity. I must add too that my opinion on this, like any other, is a malleable one and I most certainly welcome criticism with an open heart.

TT I think that what Dee, Cat, and Anita have offered you is very strong support. With Dee’s suggestion of being creative in deploying effective communication, that is key. When I am confronted with hostile communication, I ask a question, perhaps a number of them, I ask very calmly, in a non confrontational way, and I ask it once. If I do not get an answer to my question, I immediately move on to the next and do the same thing with the next questions, if I have any. When you ask why, or whatever your question starts with, and see that the answer starts with “well why did you…” or “how about you…” or “since when did you ever…” or “you never…” and my favorite, “YOU’RE the one that”… (blah blah blah)  I immediately recognize that the person I speak to has no intention of answering my question, that person has no respect for me to recognize my question is an effort to get to the bottom of things and resolve them.  So I don’t like my time wasted, especially if it is for constructive reasons in dealing with a passive-aggressive, immature individual. I simply move on with my next question and invariably move on to have a great day. You are the captain of your ship. Do what I call making a correction in direction. When you are in a relationship, NEVER EVER take the back seat for anyone. Your husband has made it clear through his actions that he is willing to compromise the sanctity of your marriage. Don’t nurture that self-centered behavior by staying with him. I think the trust is gone and will not come back. You have a new life ahead with your daughter. Go get it TT.

Hi Tectonic…

Anita has some very good questions that I think need to be seriously for clear answers, and although the situation you are encountering is not conducive to stability, I think you might want to consider going to a place that you find peaceful to think clearly. Such as a park, lake, mountain, beach ( if you are near one). I find that when I have allowed myself to be drawn into an unbalanced situation, I walk to the beach and meditate. It’s funny, not funny ha ha, but funny that when I am at the beach, I am not affected in any way with imbalance, thus allowing me to think clearly, or not think clearly, read that to say no thoughts, just peace.

You said, ” We used to everything together and spent a lot of time together.” What event(s) led to the reason that you used the phrase “used to?” What happened to go from used to but not anymore?

You said,  “Mostly, I’m not happy with the way I handle these situations.” If the way you “handle these situations” is expressed in hair trigger reactions, that only helps to escalate the anger. Meeting hostility with hostility is seen through the eyes of the other person as an invitation to engage in hostility. If on the other hand the way you “handle these situations” is one of a passive/submissive target, it only serves to allow hostile domination over you to continue.

You said, “We ended up in a big fight. This is what normally happens.” with the operative word being “normally.” Being 7 years in a marriage fighting with a child absorbing this behavior is not normal. For the benefit of everyone involved, especially the child, this fighting has got to stop and more rational avenues must be pursued.

You said, “My husband does not want to do marriage counseling.” His decision to go to counseling or not is exactly that, his decision. Likewise your decision to go to counseling or not, is also your decision. What he decides to do or not do with regards to your marriage, should not preclude you from you doing what is right for you and your daughter.

You said, “I’m not sure things can be saved at this point, but I want to do everything I can to better myself.” I think that for things to be saved, and I am assuming that by “things” you mean marriage, you both need to want to go in that direction. And you can do everything to better yourself. Instead of saying “I want to do everything to better myself” I invite you to think in terms of, and believe that “I am going to do everything to better myself.” Thinking in this way allows you to regain ownership of your life, how you want it to be, how it’s going to be, not only for you but for your daughter as well.

As I review my response I realize it may seem harsh, like a stern lecture. If you could feel my soul you would know my words are from love. Tranquility if my response seems to come across that way  I sincerely apologize. I think that sometimes when we find ourselves in that situation we lose sight of the fact that we/you deserve love and respect and that the love and respect for you starts with you. They are not things that you need permission to have. You are a strong woman and a good mother I’m sure. Hug yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, know that, when you look at your daughter, know that as you love yourself and respect yourself, you will be giving the same to her. It is the least both of you deserve.

Pearce

Hi X…Your original post fascinates me in that it provoked me to examine myself, and, my self, because I have had past experiences of quite similar interactions with others. Ironically those interactions with others, as I have experienced in the past, have/had a pathology that quite frankly bothered me, yet I was without understanding of them (experiences) at the time, probably due to lack of information afforded to me at the time. I am ALWAYS open to re-examine myself and how I act/react in order to be a better person to (1) me and (2) toward others. It is my personal constitution that keeps me in check. Often times when I get self critical I ask myself, “why did I say/do that?”.  Many times, perhaps all too often, the answer I find is very basic, which to me, is not enough. So I keep searching for answers so that I may better understand myself. In doing so, I came across a fascinating read that seemed to instantly, helped me understand my past behaviors. I would like to share with you and others here as well my discovery and hope that it helps you incorporate into your search for answers and understanding. Here is what I found:

Parataxic distortion is a term used

to describe the inclination to skew perceptions of others based on fantasy. The “distortion” is a faulty perception of others, based not on actual experience with the other individual, but on a projected fantasy personality attributed to the individual. For example, when one falls in love, an image of another person as the “perfect match” or “soul mate” can be created when in reality, the other person may not live up to these expectations or embody the imagined traits at all.

The fantasy personality is created in part from past experiences and from expectations as to how the person ‘should be’, and is formulated in response to emotional stress. This stress can originate from the formation of a new relationship, or from cognitive dissonance required to maintain an existing relationship. Parataxic distortion serves as an immature cognitive defensive mechanism against this psychological stress and is similar toTransference

Parataxic distortion is difficult to avoid because of the nature of human learning and interaction. Stereotyping of individuals based on social cues and the classification of people into groups is a commonplace cognitive function of the human mind. Such pigeonholing  allows for a person to gain a quick, though possibly inaccurate, assessment of an interaction. The cognitive processes employed, however, can have a distorting effect on the clear understanding of individuals. In essence, one can lose the ability to ‘hear the other’ through one’s own projected beliefs of what the other person is saying.

Distorting one’s perception of others can often interfere with interpersonal relationships. In many cases, however, it may be beneficial to do so. Humans are constantly and subconsciously stereotyping. According to Paul Martin Lester, “our brains naturally classify what we see, we can’t help but notice the differences in physical attributes between one person and another.”Parataxic distortion runs parallel to stereotyping while it remains in the subconscious. As we make quick judgments, we are drawing from previous experiences stored in our memory.

Parataxic distortion can be a beneficial defense mechanism for the individual, allowing the individual to maintain relationships with others with whom he or she would otherwise be unable to interact or allowing the individual to endure difficult periods in relationships. A self-imposed blindness to certain personality traits can keep a relationship healthy, or it can also prove destructive. For instance, parataxic distortion can keep one in denial of the abusive nature of a spouse.

Distorting one’s perception of others can often interfere with interpersonal relationships. In many cases, however, it may be beneficial to do so. Humans are constantly and subconsciously stereotyping. According to Paul Martin Lester, “our brains naturally classify what we see, we can’t help but notice the differences in physical attributes between one person and another.”Parataxic distortion runs parallel to stereotyping while it remains in the subconscious. As we make quick judgments, we are drawing from previous experiences stored in our memory. Parataxic distortion can be a beneficial defense mechanism for the individual, allowing the individual to maintain relationships with others with whom he or she would otherwise be unable to interact or allowing the individual to endure difficult periods in relationships. A self-imposed blindness to certain personality traits can keep a relationship healthy, or it can also prove destructive. For instance, parataxic distortion can keep one in denial of the abusive nature of a spouse. Parataxic distortion can be a beneficial defense mechanism for the individual, allowing the individual to maintain relationships with others with whom he or she would otherwise be unable to interact or allowing the individual to endure difficult periods in relationships. A self-imposed blindness to certain personality traits can keep a relationship healthy, or it can also prove destructive. For instance, parataxic distortion can keep one in denial of the abusive nature of a spouse.

Parataxic distortion can begin in the early stages of development in infants. A mother’s nurturing personality and emotional warmth might be projected onto a lover later in life. This could initially generate stronger feelings for the woman than are warranted by her behavior and character alone. This example of attachment theory correlates with Parataxic Distortion.

Attachment theory would have it that the fantasy selves projected onto others in parataxic distortion are informed by our long-term attachment patterns. Not only are these imagined traits the resultant of our earliest bonds and unresolved emotional issues from past relationships, but they are recreated in these fantasy selves for the purpose of recreating that past attachment in the present.

Dealing with current situations or people that relate to a past event, or remind someone of a person from the past, can have negative effects on a human from an emotional standpoint. If the person from the past was a negative figure or the past event had a negative influence on a person, the person may create a self-sense of identity for the new individual they met. The negative emotional response happens when the individual realizes that they have been creating a fake identity for the new individual.

Parataxic distortion is most effective in the realm of interpersonal communication. Parataxic distortion is typically used to avoid coping with past events. For example, if a child is mistreated by his or her father, the child may not only attach the fear and anger towards the father but will also relate this fear and anger to other men that look, talk or act like the father. The human mind keeps track of situations that we have encountered in the past to help us deal with future situations. The unconscious memory, without our knowing, helps us understand and deal with situations in the present that we have dealt with in the past. Parataxic distortion and our unconscious mind make us act the same way in current situations as we did in the past, even without realizing it.

As a defense mechanism, parataxic distortion protects one from the emotional consequences of a past event. A person may not remember a certain event, or be acting on it consciously, but will act a certain way to protect themselves from an outcome with the use of parataxic distortion. This behavior is a pathological attempt to cope with reality by using unreality.

Parataxic distortion is a commonly used psychological defense mechanism. It is not an illness or a disease, but a part of everyday, normal human psychology that can become maladaptive in certain situations. The cognitive abilities used to generate internal models of others are useful in interaction. As we can never truly internalize the full reality of another, we must interact with a shorthand version of them. It’s only when we believe that the shorthand version is their reality that this ability can become maladaptive. One may also attempt to coerce or force another to ‘fit the mold’ and act more according to expectations, more like the idealized version they dream the other as being. This is also pathological.

However, all humans engage in parataxic distortion to one extent or another, in one realm or another. It may be to manage emotions within their family, to facilitate communication between them and their spouse, or to imagine a relationship between them and their nation-state.

I hope this information serves you well as a vehicle to better understanding that might have an influence on you, and on others as well. It most certainly has grabbed my attention. I want to share with you, too, that had it not been for your original post I would not have had the opportunity to, as I said, re-examine myself, and, my self. So in a way, you have helped me in a way that I find invaluable, so, thank you, from my heart and soul. I hope that others here will find a new way to look at how things affect them. Again, thank you very much.

Pearce

KayJay I can also tell you that the benefits of the suggestions by the above posters are excellent and very real. Re the medication route,,,I think that there are places for medication, however through the years I have realized that, from a doctor’s point of view, there is no money to be made in a healthy person. I know that sounds negative but I do not know of a healthier way to look at that, and, I more than welcome from anyone a more positive way of saying that. My military experience has given me severe PTSD. When I first sought treatment for this from a number of doctors, I was put on medication. They had me coming back every 30 days for further evaluation. Basically they were saying, “you’re still messed up, you need to keep seeing me.” In reality the more they kept seeing “me” the more they saw $$$$. This had only masked the symptoms and didn’t address the issue directly. When I realized this many years ago, I decided to pursue a more holistic approach. A combination of different modalities of therapy had more benefits that medication could not offer. I have been, and continue to be, benefiting from hypnotherapy. Meditation is nothing short of amazing. Kriya Yoga has elevated my wellbeing and happiness to a level that I could not dream possible. All three of these continue change my life beyond my wildest imagination! When I told my doctors that I would no longer be seeking medication for my PTSD it was met with some level of “disappointment.” One doctor had the audacity to tell me I would only get worse. RIIIIIGHT. Anyway I hope you are open to the ideas the other poster’s have suggested and mine as well.

Pearce Hawk

X…I think you are trying to change the world from what it is to how you think it should be. In doing so it is difficult to see the world as it truly is and that robs you of the many opportunities of many wonderful things life offers.

Re: your relationships with men. You have said that you have said that you have “requirements” for the men you would like to be involved with. I want to propose a theoretical situation to you as I am interested in your answer. Suppose that you were born blind. In your being blind for life, you met a man who truly cared for you. This man shows you a lot of love and affection. He is emotionally available to you. As a blind adult you respond in kind, thinking this is the man I want to marry. Now imagine, that for some reason, you gain complete sign, 20/20 vision. In this new blessing, of being able toes for the first time, what if this man did not meet your physical requirements, that you found him to be not attractive according to your requirements. The question I would like you to ponder is this; would you love him still?