Hi TY…

The only social media I get involved with is Tiny Buddha and TED Talks. When social media came along I decided to hold back getting a membership because I wanted to see it grow first. I’m so glad I did. I have no use in putting myself out there to be “liked” or to have someone “unlike” me. It is an honor to have Tiny Buddha allow me to be here. I like real. I look forward to reading your posts.

Pearce

Hello wildoceanflower,

The folks that have responded to your post, and others as well, are an amazing source of sound advice that you can hold on to. When I read various responses from people who are reaching out to others, it actually reinforced my way of seeing things and have adopted much of what they say as being something that I can immediately access in the event that I have detected a down tick on my emotional health radar screen. One of the things that I did quite a while back when I was feeling way down, was something that Mark utilized that helped him. I was at a low point for a while when I recognized it had the great potential to increase momentum in its downward spiral. Seeing this possibility was not going to happen. It was something that I chose not to happen. So I decided to reach out to others and offer my help to them. I reached out to a homeless veteran group and embraced their need for help. As being a homeless veteran myself long ago, I found that reaching out to those who I knew I could help had unexpected benefits far beyond my imagination. Helping my brothers and sisters had such a lasting profound effect that in the midst of me feeling good, feeling grounded and clear, in that I lost track of the time that went by when I last felt bad. What amazing medicine that is!

I do not recall who said this, but I will share it anyway. “The only person you are destined to become, is the person you decide to be.” Rest on that and what others have offered to you and use that in such a way you will be well on your way to the life you deserve.

Pearce

Csaba,

Coconut and I agree, and I feel confident in saying that many others agree, that women don’t always want less sex than men. The amount of sex that a man or woman want, or don’t want, is an individual thing. As I ponder your post, I get a sense that the relationship you want with the woman you love is based on what you want-sex. To base a relationship on sex as much as you do is pretty shallow in that by doing so, you miss some very important aspects of a persons life that makes them who they are. I have a feeling that she is very well aware of this too, thus her rejection of your advances. There is after all, so much more to a person than sex. When you said, “Thing are pretty good,” and then said, “however it is starting to get to a point where it starts to become a problem.” contributes to being antagonistic in the development of a relationship. When you said, ” it is starting to get to a point where it starts to become a problem” maybe her not wanting as much sex as you want/need, was not a problem for her, but it is for you, and I think has been, and now by not accepting/rejecting your advances it is easily understandable that she may feel that your problem is now hers, which is not right my friend. Her wants/needs MUST be respected. She has reasons that to her are very valid. What you said, “I’m not doing my best as a man” is true BECAUSE by not respecting her reasons for wanting less sex than you and placing more importance of what YOU want makes her an object. Women are not objects. Women are smart. Fact of life. You hit the nail right on the head when you said, “The only thing that gives us a bit of pain is the fact that I want more sex than she does.” It is what YOU want that that is causing “us a bit of pain” with the operative word being “us.” When you said, “…while women are more on the “lets build a nest and raise kids” side of things…” followed by the adverb”however”, it is the “however” that attempts to negate her perspective. It’s like saying “yes but” which to me, often times means “I see what you’re saying but my input is more important.” I read her saying “I don’t want sex right now or tomorrow” and you answer with “yes but I do” in so many words.

Take a step back my friend, and think about your approach. Take into consideration of what it is that other people want and not just yours simply because you believe that “…guys are coded to want to have as much sex as they can…”. To answer your question of  “How did you solve this?” there was nothing for me to solve as there was never a problem because I did and to this very minute do respect what woman want. It is an easy thing to do my friend. My thoughts may seem harsh and not very sympathetic to you, and may not be what you are looking for. It is just that my words are from my heart of which I will never apologize for. It’s sort of that tough love kind of thing. I really do look forward to your input.

I wish you the very best as you pursue the journey of your life. Take care my friend.

Pearce

Good to see you again my friend,

I cannot argue with the Zevon quote. I guess I could but I’d be in denial.

Thanks you kindly for the recommendations. I most certainly will look for them.

I look forward to more thought provoking questions that you post. From the few tat I have read and responded to I learned much more about myself. I’d read your posts, answer the questions, but I don’t let it go from there. After I send my response I spend some time thinking more about the questions and what other ways I can explore that challenge. Keep them coming my friend.

Pearce

Hi Julia,

What a terrible position for you to be in. I think that all you can do with your friend, is engage in a conversation about what happened, just listen, and accept whatever decision she has chosen to make. I agree with Anita when she said, “Keep in mind: if he cheats on her again and if she experiences more heartache in the marriage to come, that will not be your responsibility, not something you caused and not your job to fix. Just as it is now, not your responsibility or job to fix her heartache or situation.” Really, it is not your job to fix that. You must be an observer as an active listener in this situation, not a participant whose intention is to “fix it.” Who knows? Perhaps it will work out. But be patient and listen. That is the support she needs.

Pearce

Hi Cruzzie,

I hope that this day, this moment brings you much peace, love, and happiness as you blaze your own trail that creates many wonderful memories. The oven event happened a number of years ago, (sounds like a contest) happened a number of years ago while I lived in an older duplex apartment. The oven was old school so I don’t know if the new ones of today lock during the cleaning cycle. I really don’t care to know either. This was the same place that has another funny story that maybe I’ll share for another time.

I used to have meltdowns, not only in the kitchen but at the traffic light, for example, or the linear the grocery store. As time went on I had not realized that I was doing it. I took it as being normal, just me being me. As time went on, I payed attention to it and realized that this meltdown was in fact, me being me. I often times thought to myself, “Is this really me being a jerk?” It was an eye opener when I realized the truth, that it was me being me. I really did not like that realization. It was upsetting to say the least, for me to think that all this time it was ok to have these meltdowns, it was normal, that this is how life is. Then I got really confused that this meltdown came from within me. I got into an argument with myself thinking,I don’t want to be this person. For me to say that, is owning it. If I was to own it, I could either accept it and pull out a bag of excuses to justify it, or, I could change me. For me to change me to be a better person, was something that I chose to do. When I decided to act on that decision, I experienced an unexpected feeling. I had this feeling of relief on a scale that I cannot describe. It was, for lack of a better word, liberating. This liberation came as a result of me owning it. It being my decision to change. It was powerful. I felt “clear,” new, if that makes sense. A friend of mine picked up on this change and called me on it. He asked what it was that made me seem different. I told him of my all too frequent episodes of having meltdowns. At some point in the conversation he used the word, frustrated a lot. He said my meltdowns were as a result of being frustrated. The frustrations, he said, were from a number of goals I had, no matter if they were small or large, not being met with regards to the goals I had being very close together. That probably doesn’t make sense…it was easier for me to understand when he said that frustration is goal directed behavior that is blocked. I had a number of goals that I had not seen through fruition and started another goal. When this happens, there is a series of so called failures that evolve into frustration, and when these failures are met with another and another, meltdowns occur. Having ADHD, this made sense to me. What I did to eliminate my meltdowns and greatly reduce my frustrations, was for me to prioritized my goals. I did this by placing a certain level of importance on my priorities. If I saw that I was getting jammed in accomplishing one goal, I stepped back and looked at my approach to whatever it was I was trying to accomplish. If I didn’t reach the timeframe that I set my goal for, I found a lot of power in thinking, “so what?”. Sure there are goals that I don’t think so-what about because of the level of importance I placed on them. All the things that I did to change for the better, was my Phoenix, and continues to be. I felt silly thinking that making this change was so simple but I didn’t realize it at the time. There is more to that approach but I hope that you get then idea. My frustrations at the traffic light continue but nowhere near the level it used to be.

Cruzzie there arriver 7 billion residents on this planet. Not a single one is like you- an amazingly beautiful person. Carry your Phoenix wherever you go and don’t be afraid to let it loose. Enjoy the stars as you map out your journey. Embrace the loving, beautiful person that you are as you continue to change and be the person that you wish to be. Don’t change your goals Cruzzie. Capture them.

Pearce

Vic…

Much of what you wrote resonates with me as well as my upbringing was so horrific that I wished one of 2 things happened: (1) that I was not born at all, or (2) that I was born when I was 16 years old because that is when I went out on my own. Obviously neither of those 2 wishes came true, which I am very grateful for. Growing up as a kid I felt different as well because, as a kid growing up, I always wondered why I wasn’t picked to be on a team in dodge ball, always picked last as usual. I wondered why it was that I too grew up with a narcissistic abusive step-dad. He was never without a list of insulting names for me. My friends are VERY few by my choosing. I would much rather have fewer friends with quality character, honesty, and integrity. When I was in elementary school, after summer the teacher asked us what we did during the summer. I heard answers such as, “me and my dad did this” or “my family took me and my brothers/sisters there” or “we went to Hawaii and had fun,” etc. When it came to be my turn to answer the teacher, I lied. I said things like, “my dad took me fishing” which never happened. I said things like, “my dad took me to a ball game” or ” my dad and I played catch,” both of which neither happened. I lied because I didn’t want the class to make fun of me when I said the truth…that I got beat/slapped regularly for things I never did. I was never allowed to go out to play with the neighborhood kids. I had to sneak out to do that. When I did get caught and was asked why I went against his orders to stay inside I told him it was because I wanted to play with what few friends I did have. As a result I was beaten with a belt and forced to stay inside fora week. So is it really a wonder, that you and I are loners? The girlfriend breakups I endured…every single one was initiated by the girlfriend. And it wasn’t because I was a crappy b/f  or did bad things to her, or cheated, none of which I am not capable of doing. It was because they found someone better, cuter, richer, whatever. To be loved? What does that mean? For me that meant that I had to wait for something real to happen as only life can offer. Feeling like a failure? That should have been my name on my various ID’s. But your post is full of pain that I actually feel the sadness. Having said that please allow me to offer my opinion that I am VERY interested in hearing your thoughts on.

When I was old enough to process all this, when I was old enough to see the truth, I realized that what happened to me was a reflection of who they were inside, as much as that sounds cliché, it is very real. Yet in order for those people to deal with the demons they feed, they have an endless supply of justification and blame. It was so much easier for them to punish me for who they were. I feel the same is true with you Vic. For a long time I too felt lost. But later, after must thought and searching, I realized I was not lost because I could go everywhere there is to go. So can you Victoria. I would like to offer to you, to not look at it as being lost. Look at it as being detached from that environment that is manipulated by people who embrace the hurt inside themselves. Look at this as you being in a very large room with a HUGE mess. Then one day you had enough and decided to free yourself from this mess and go outside. Then what you see after going outside is an endless possibility of going where you want and being who you want to be, no shame, no blame, no hate or guilt. It’s just you and the love you found for you. I tell people this all the time, when they say they felt as thought they hit the proverbial ceiling that prevents them from moving up in life. I say to them, and to you as well, tonight, when the stars are all out, go outside and look at the stars, and there you will see your ceiling. Cut loose from the noose Vic. Go wherever it is that you want to go, be who you wish to be. It matters not what your family says to you anymore. What matters is that you realize that they will continue to be who they are and you shall realize that what they say, what they do, is not who you are. What matters is that you be you, as loving and caring that I KNOW you are. There is a myth that continues to be nurtured by society. That is, we should always stand by our parents/family NO MATTER what they say or do. What a bunch of BS. But I want you to consider perhaps thinking about something that I learned. My step-dad was the most evil person I knew. Yet he gave me one very important lesson that I shall forever be indebted to him for. That is how not to be-like him. Your life is yours Vic. Live it. Go get it. Take it. It’s all yours.

I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer, Vic. For an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the very least you deserve.

Pearce Hawk

Holly welcome back!!!! Looking forward very much to reading more of what you might post. “I am going to continue my journey towards becoming a self-loving, healthier, happier and kinder person. I have learned so much from Tiny Buddha already, and I’m excited to continue growing.” This was very exciting to read. Stay the course my friend. Make the necessary corrections in whatever direction your travels take you.

Pearce