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PearceHawkParticipantKevin it’s good to see your latest post. As always I welcome the opportunity to sharing my thoughts and welcome your opinion of them. Gosh where do I start?…from the beginning, DUH 🙂
For me, the practices I use to change my mental models start with a basic philosophy about how I approach life, and I may have told you this before so I apologize if it seems redundant…that is, the ONLY reason I wake up each and every day is because I have been given another chance to do things right and to do the right things. Ans as I look at what I call my How Did I Do Report card at the end of the day, a review of how I engaged life, I promise it is not a 4.0 GPA. When I recognize where I fell short I use that as sort of a Euclidean vector to get me from where I am, point A, to point B, with point A being where I need to recognize the need for change, and point B being a destination that makes me abetter person. Confused yet ? 🙂 It is doing what I call making a correction in direction, tantamount what a captain does to ensure his ship gets safely to the desired destination. I think about how I interact with life every day, literally. I do this because quite some time ago I realized that many undesirable expressions of my behaviors and thoughts developed day one of my life by being exposed to the only universe that I knew-my parents. As a newborn my mind, being primitive, was open to how and why things are. It is because the only known universe to me was my parents and what they say and did was the truth. As I got older, a part of my mind then became sort of a modern memory area of my brain. To me it is this part of the brain that contains my memories, my experiences. As I grew older, of course I questioned things. How dare me! I questioned why I behaved the way I did, why I said the things I said, etc. It all came back to the source of what I was exposed to from day 1, my parents. Fast forward to 15-20 years ago. I did not like all that I said or did in days gone by so I felt a need for a correction in direction. I asked, where did all this crap come from? My parents. AHA! I could have said, oh well this is just the way I am but that is entirely unacceptable to me. But it was not enough for me to know that. There was something more to it. Again it came down to my psyche and as soon as I realized that what I was saying, doing, etc, was a useless game called blame. I passed off many things by blaming others, i.e. parents. But soon I realized that only goes so far. To say “I did this because of…” or I said that “because of”…might have some validity to a certain point. Still, it is blame. As the saying goes, “first time a victim second time a volunteer.” After dwelling on that, I then realized there is in fact a difference between blame and cause and effect, not that the latter is the get out of jail card disguised as blame. The jury is still out on that. In the mean time I can can use cause and effect and say, “sure X was the cause and Y is the effect. For me that has its limitations as well. So what are the practices that help me to change my mental models? I dismissed what I was taught from day 1 as the truth, what I was told, what I witnessed, as merely a product of someone else’s beliefs, they were not representative of what I now believe. From there I sort of acquired, if you will, a blank canvas by which I can paint a picture that defines who I am, how I want to be, how I want to engage in life, etc. The experiences that I was exposed to for many, many years following my birth, although were evil for the most part, were very beneficial to me in that I am able to reflect on them and use them a powerful tool to affect change.
I am not sure if what I said is helpful to you but you are truly one of the extremely very few who I let inside that deep, and I allow that without hesitation, fear, or suspicion. Thank you for the chance to allow me to do that and answer your questions.
I hope that you and yours are doing quite well. Stay in touch. I think there should be aTiny Buddha retreat we can go to, to share our thoughts and learn. I think Anita can make that happen:)
Wishing you well…
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Nikki…
I don’t have parents since both have passed. I had a brother who died from a drug over dose. I had 2 sisters killed by a drunk driver, both in the same crash but it was neither of them that was drunk. I USED to have “friends” who contacted me only when they wanted something from me, usually money. I live with a g/f but that relationship has evolved into a girl friend, a very disconnected relationship, which is a result of not seeing her because she works at night for 12 hours. But I am not alone. I explore new places, I do what some consider to be life risking behavior such as paragliding. Along my journey I meet many good people who share exciting stories of our life. If we evolve in to being good personal friends, great. If not, great. Nothing about me has changed. But at least I got to meet some awesome people. I tell people that I am a needy person. I need to experience life, love, happiness, exciting journeys. And when I do experience those things, it is because I sought those experiences out.
What Mark said is solid advice. Run with that for a while. And as you continue on your journey, most importantly, love yourself.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantAnita I think it is YOU who brought out the smile OF the day 🙂
PearceHawkParticipantHi Shawna…
I hope that as you read this you have embraced the strength necessary to confront this big problem in such a way that you are no longer involved with this person. There are a number of issues that need immediate attention. First, before you forgive him, you must totally forgive yourself for making bad choices. You said, “I truly love him.” There is a difference in loving someone, and being IN love. I love many people. I care for many people. But I am not IN love with them. You said, “he’s not a terrible guy.” I respectfully disagree. I say that because he is absolutely terrible to himself as he is well rooted in his self destructive behavior. How can you justify going down in your life and taking your children with his self destructive behavior? When you said, “I blame myself” you surely must know that it is not your responsibility to correct his self destructive behavior. Based on your description of his behaviors and habits, I do not believe that you are qualified to correct his behavior. His being dishonest with himself, and toward you as well, clearly is not your job to fix. You asked, “but where is the line???” You KNOW where that line is. It is his ongoing, untreated addiction, his habitual verbal abuse which is setting the stage for physical violence. Drug addiction coupled with the need for alcohol along with the hostile verbal abuse is a perfect storm for something very terrible to happen. Think about that…a drug/alcohol induced tirade leads up to shattered lives, broken families, and death, either to someone or himself, as well as to you. This happens ALL THE TIME EVERY SINGLE DAY! What else happens all the time is the person involved with a person with this personality feels the need to be the one to save” him. His addictions, his verbal abuse, his penchant for lying, is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Your only responsibility is to you and your son and your child to be. PLEASE accept that it is perfectly ok, perfectly right, to walk away from this relationship. Staying with him and accepting his behavior is to nurture his behavior. You take care of you, and your family. PLEASE for your sake, and the sake of your children, leave, walk away. In doing so you will not only resurrect the Phoenix inside yourself and come out stronger, but doing so will be an incredible display of strength, character, and integrity to your children. You said, “I feel like my kids and myself deserve better than.” I think there is a much stronger belief in saying “My kids and I DO deserve better.” Because you do. As long as you stay, take responsibility for his behavior, and desire to “fix” him, you will not have better. Shawna, there are an infinite number of amazing things waiting for you and your children. Go get them 🙂
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHello helleia…
I am sure that I can come up with many films that you ask about, but there is one thing that has always had a profound impact on my life. Actually there are many things that do but this one came to mind immediately. It was a speech given by the late Carl Sagan in his speech called “The Pale Blue Dot.” I invite you, and others as well, to read this and find what meaning it may have for you.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Christina,
I hope that by the time you read this you are well on the way to feeling loved in the way that you deserve and being a much happier person. Macy took the words out of my mouth when she said,”They are an ex for a reason.” When you said, “…the reason for our past breakups” I have to ask how many breakups did you have and how many more are you willing to engage in? I have noticed that in the beginning people tell one another, “I love you.” As the relationship moves forward and the couple begins to settle in, get comfortable with each other, invariably the fight happen only to be followed by the “I’m sorry” response. But I have also noticed that when people fight so often and apologize, I noticed that the “I’m sorry’s” begin to approach the amount of time they say “I love you” and soon the “I’m sorry” response exceeds the time we say “I love you.” Maybe you can step back and ask yourself how many times you both say I love you, how many times you fight, and how many times you say I’m sorry. If you can recognize that the amount of time you say I’m sorry is nearly the same amount of time, or more, that you say I love you, then maybe it is time to reassess not only how you cope with relationships, but it is also time to reassess your involvement win the relationship, i.e. consider it the wrong relationship. You can say to yourself, “I don’t think we are compatible for a long term intimate relationship” and have a mature discussion with him echoing that same sentiment. By doing that, know that there is nothing wrong with saying to yourself, I was wrong in pursuing this relationship. Admitting wrong, owning it, comes from strength. When you said, ” I don’t want to talk to him” followed by your comment, “I don’t want to lose him either” tells me that what you truly want in your relationship with him is not clearly defined to either of you. I think that the reason you “hurting so much” is because the constant fighting is not congruent with a stable, compatible relationship, among other reasons. Take the time to step back and be honest with your assessment of your relationship, and decide if there are any changes that YOU can make that will better nurture a loving relationship. If you feel that there are no changes you can make, there are 2 choices available to you: either stay and repeat the habitual cycle of fighting and making up, or, move on with being better informed of the choices you make and use that information to establish a healthier relationship. Tiny Buddha is always here for you..
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Anita…there were some small details I left out, such as being mindful of my breathing etc. But I just wanted to convey that image. The other day when I did this, the experience was far beyond what you can imagine. I did not feel as though I was “present” in my body yet I was able to periodically “see it” from a different place. I didn’t feel the recliner that I was in. The space between my fingers felt as though they were miles apart. When I “returned” from my journey and opened my eyes, colors were much more vivid and there was a peaceful calm, an uncommon peaceful calm around me. I always invite people to create their own journey in that way because it is a very powerful and wonderful experience. I use it everyday. But again, thank you kindly for spending as much time as you do answering all our posts. With every response you give, I know even more so that you are not of this world.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Anita…First and foremost I want to tell you that I hope that your ankle(?) injury is but a distant memory. I appreciate the time you took to share your kind words with me. Even though I totally get the fight/flight idea, sometimes I get caught up with having to defend myself against events that, although they happened many years ago, they still feel like 5 minutes ago. Episodes like the bank are an emotional ambush, and believe me being ambushed is no stranger to me, and they happen so fast that it is very hard to come back to reality in a split second and dismiss them as history. When that (emotional ambush) happens it takes me, I’d say perhaps 5-10 minutes to realize I am not there, I am here, and I am doing ok. That 5-10 minutes spent in a memory like that feels like a day. But when I finally realize that memory, that ambush is history, the relief I feel is one of liberation. All of a sudden that glass full of turbid water is now clear and pristine. Taking in that glass of clear cool water feels good.
Concerning the neurological injury, I still am reminded of that time when it happened because the pain is 24/7/365. Much of the time it is quite tolerable while other times it gets so painful that I wish I couldn’t walk again because that particular pain is paralyzing and unbearable. The reasons for that kind of pain is a constant reminder of that memory which sneaks in and winds up on the big screen. But to deal with it, I think in terms of my back hurts, that’s all, nothing more. I never complain about it. For me to complain about it has no therapeutic value. Ice/heat packs and jacuzzi time is.
I enjoy the beach every day since it is less than 1/8th of a mile from my home. Just to share a funny thought with you, yesterday an older husband and wife couple were visiting from Canada. The woman, who has a kind soul for sure, after telling me how wonderful it is at the beach, she asked me if it was always like this here. I told her no, half the time it is night time 🙂 The husband said, “Now I KNOW we’re in California,” and they both busted up laughing.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your very encouraging and kind words. It’s who you are and it’s what you do.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHello Dawn,
It is not easy for me to talk about those experiences. I actually don’t prefer to bring them out into the forefront. However your comment reminded me of a better place I to be and your words make it so much easier for me to go there. When I think about my friend I can only imagine what happened since I was not there. But when I think about him the fun times we had, the laughters we shared, the happiness, however brief, takes away all the thoughts of what must have happened. Happy endures 🙂 Thank you for your time to put some kind thoughts together and sharing them with me. Those thoughts are special.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantHi Anita,
Sometimes, a lot of the time, I experience some difficulty in what it is I want to say. I call it, getting stuck. But thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I don’t sit around and try to assemble some meaningful kind words to say. They just happen.
What you said about PTSD being stored in a certain part of the brain is true. It is yet not possible for me to avoid the things that trigger my PTSD, but it is becoming easier to recognize the precursors that bring them to life. Yes, those visions are very real. They get triggered by things such as a helicopter flying overhead, by cars back firing, seeing ads for these war games either at a bus stop or a tv commercial, the games that the kids absolutely have to have. One HUGE event that triggers PTSD visions is when I am driving by a street construction site and a jack hammer goes off. There is, however, one thing that triggers my PTSD that shames me beyond imagination. This is very risky for me to say for obvious reasons as others who read this may think bad things of me. When I see a woman dressed in her Hijab I start to get very nervous and my mind goes on hyper alert. A month ago I was in the bank talking with the banker who was going over my account with me. At one point two women came in to the bank wearing their Niqab. When they walked in, their pace was fast and deliberate. As they went to the teller, I went on high alert, got physically nauseated, started sweating profusely, and reached toward my hip expecting to find my gun. This happens at any place, any moment, such as the grocery store, the park, wherever. My bank teller friend knows about my PTSD. When he recognized what was happening he put his hand on my shoulder and said let’s go outside. Not only does this experience resurrect bad memories, they also remind me of the survival guilt I have.
I must let you and anyone else who reads this and may be offended, please to know that I swear I cannot help it. These reactions are not conscientious. Nor do they reflect my true belief, in any way shape, or form, about these women and the culture. Sometimes when this happens I feel as though I stepped in a pool of quicksand of bad memories. Anyone who may be insulted by my reactions, I apologize profusely and know that it is not a real reflection of what I believe.
I am going to my beach now. It is my sanctuary. It is less than 1/8th of a mile away. When I go to my beach, there is nothing adverse going on in my life. I am at total peace there. Thank you for your understanding.
Pearce
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This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by
PearceHawk.
July 8, 2017 at 8:03 am in reply to: How do I commence searching for love when I've never experienced it? #157014PearceHawkParticipantH…What Anita, Eliana, and Mina say is solid. I cannot imagine myself adding to what they said. I will however, offer this that I hope you consider. As I grew older, I too kept looking for love. That search was fraught with disappointments and hurt. But that happened for only one reason. I was searching for something, love, that others have defined. I thought that what they found was behind door number 3, or where the big wheel landed on the spin. A pattern developed. I noticed that I accepted their definition of love and had to seek it out only to be disappointed and hurt. I got confused and found myself thinking wtf, what am I missing. Then the light went on. I would only get lost in going down the road that others took to find love. I realized that what love is, is what I defined it to be, not others. In doing that, I found out where to look, inside myself. When I did, it was like my heart asking me what took me so long to look there. When you are trying to find love by looking where other people have searched, you will perhaps miss the mark. It has always been inside you my friend. Do go to where others have gone, go inside your heart and soul and you shall find love.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantWelcome back, Shellybell. As you know, there is endless love here. Come get it 🙂
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantMyles…WELCOME!!!! Like Joe, I am. not Buddhist either. But in my project of changing my way of thinking I associate myself more with a Buddhist philosophy. I do practice Kriya Yoga, the teachings of an amazing man, Paramanhasa Yogananda. As you have recognized this site is without kind enough words to describe. It is however, lacking something. It lacks shallowness, it lacks fake. Don’t frustrate yourself by trying to find those things. They simply are not here and shall never be here. The love here only grows and grows and grows. The people here, whether they are ones who come here to seek advise, or are the ones who offer advice, have a soul so deep with love and peace. I look forward to more of your posts. I wish you, and everyone else here, all the love, peace, and happiness that life has to offer for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least that you deserve. And it is here that you shall find it.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantCruzzie I cannot agree more with what Anita said. Let me share with you an embarrassing moment I had in the kitchen. It was a moment that left me with feeling like a total ass, very humiliated. Once upon a time this girl that I worked with started feeling attracted to each other. We talked about generic things as people often times do in the beginning. So I bragged how I was good at baking cookies. One afternoon she called me on it. I invited her over so she can witness a not so world class cookie baker reveal his top secret technique. So I made the cookie dough and put them in the oven. I don’t know what it was, maybe being nervous, but when I turned on the oven (didn’t know I had to preheat it) without realizing it at the time, I put the oven mode on self clean. It was an old oven. When I did this, the oven door locked. I guess it was a safety thing. When the oven is on clean and the door locked, it went to 500 degrees. Eventually the smoke alarm went off so the first thing I went to downs try to open the oven door, which I couldn’t. I had to pull the oven away from the wall and unplug it. I can turn cookie dough into charcoal.
I am glad that she got a HUGE laugh out of it. But at the time I thought her laughter confirmed what I was told my whole life by my step-dad, that I was a loser, which I am not. What made the matter worse was that she left probably 10 minutes later. I had an emotional meltdown even though it was an internal event that I did not show. But that scene that played out was a precursor for me to realize that what I was told by my step-dad was not real. The way he treated mesas a reflection of himself and was not even remotely close to who I knew I was inside. That moment was the beginning for me to ask myself what else is in the closet that I need top throw out. I reflected on my upbringing and found many, many things that I thought all this time defined me, in a very inaccurate way. Little by little, as I started to throw out that trash, I felt more clear. I came in touch with who I really was and not some arrogant narcissistic person said I was. I think your kitchen melt downs are an opportunity for you to look at what people in your past have falsely told you who you are, allowing you to paint the picture of who you truly are, it’s a book with blank pages for you to write about what you went through and how you changed all that to show the amazingly beautiful person that you are. We all have a Phoenix inside us. Release it, cruzzie, and just be ready to accept how obviously beautiful you truly are.
With regards to your ex…growing up with my step-dad was, at the very best, THE worst nightmare for me, besides the Middle East experience. But there is one thing that I shall be forever indebted to him for. That was he showed me how not to be, like him. Perhaps you can look at how your ex treated you as a reminder how not to be, like your ex. Sometimes in our efforts to realize this gift is difficult, understandably. When you get stalled out in changing this way of thinking, it is tempting to say that you hit that proverbial glass ceiling. To you I say, if you think you have hit the proverbial glass ceiling, regardless of what that ceiling is made of, I would like you to do something for you. Tonight, go outside and stare at the universe and stars, and realize that what you are seeing, is your glass ceiling, one that can open up for you to embrace endless possibilities.
Pearce
PearceHawkParticipantSad indeed, Anita. For me, and I KNOW that for many of us, coming home from war is all too often more difficult than the war itself. The time that I wrote it was very difficult. But writing it helped me vent. The emotion reflecting the memories is what my band of brothers and sisters and myself continue to go through. When I read it again, it is still difficult but is getting better, in that now I think of my best friend, this amazing man, in a happy memory, the fun times we did have however few they were. It is equally important for me to express my sadness as it is expressing my happiness. Maybe someday I’ll be able to “come home” as they say, but for now when I do have those PTSD memories creep in to my mind, I capture that moment and send them off to a place called “that was then this is now”, and trade those thoughts for ones of gratefulness. It’s not always easy but it is getting better for me. Ironically those experiences in the Middle East were key in making me a different person in a very good way.
I am grateful that your emotion, the ” So very sad. So very. Very sad.” that you expressed has allowed me to respond in the depth that I did because it allowed me to “talk about it” which is profoundly difficult for me to do even to this day. Thank you for giving me the chance to talk about it. It is a rare moment for me to trust enough to do that and for some reason, the opportunity for me to trust the gift that you have extended to me is met without hesitation, suspicion, apprehension, and fear. From my heart and soul to yours, thank you Anita.
Pearce
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This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by
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AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.