“If you don’t know what “normal” is, I think it means you don’t know where you boundaries are, i.e. you don’t know what is acceptable to you and what is not.”

Yes, maybe what you write is correct. Since I have a slightly turmoiled background, I don’t understand the so called “normal” stuff. My go to quality is usually anxiety.

“The result is that you don’t even know what you need, or what you want.”

I think you are right. At times I don’t understand what makes me happy. I should work on this a lot more.

Maybe I did not explain myself correctly. I am definitely after more happiness, fulfillment, career success and so on but I either don’t know what to do to attain it or I don’t know how much is enough.

I am grateful that as the years are going by, there is more peace of mind either because my family has split up and we don’t get on each others’ nerves anymore. Basically the suffering has lessened for everyone, for various reasons.

But I also feel I have the ego body of a child and not that of an adult. There is some truth in what you say. I don’t understand myself at times haha.

Also, I observe that those who are younger to me are more mature, doing well in their career & personal life and have lovely personalities. I feel sad about all the wasted years of my life. I wish I could go back in time and change many things.

But I am also proud of the individual I have turned out to be, considering the circumstances that we went through. Basically I did not end up a complete failure or a messed up person.

I have to work on many things like understanding expectations, being comfortable with confrontations, understanding adult relationships; a lot of things that constitute the EQ of a person. I learn a lot by observing people around me.

It’s weird and hard to explain. It’s bitter sweet, push pull type of relationship that we ve had. My mother has also made tremendous effort and sacrifices but there have been too many conflicts in the extended family as well. Too much stress and sad memories overall. My father’s passing leaves a deep void in my heart. I wish there were good memories.

Thanks for your reply Anita:) I should ve been a happy healthy individual at my age. I’ll work on it now. I want to be joyous, healthy and have fun 🙂

You are partly right Anita. Nina, I was a very active person but for the last 4 years I ve been depressed. Not much enthusiasm. Janice, psychological stuff bother me too much. Stuff like guilt, anxiety, fear, not being good enough. I am not able to let go of past. Things are much better than 2014 and 2015. I want to get back to being cheerful. I want to forgive myself for my mistakes. I want to be able to take care of myself and be less of a martyr. I want to find love, freedom, joy within myself and without. Even a tiny spark of love will give me confidence and heal me. I want to be healthy. I am in my early 30s. I feel like I am 60. Feeling helpless, confused and wondering why things had to happen the way it did…

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for replying.
It is inherent in my nature to help people and this attitude spills over at work as well. Some of teammates criticize me that Ï have to learn to clean my house first and then clean others’ houses. They think I am not assertive enough and they take advantage of it at times. My team lead behaves immature at times. There are some things I have told him in private, for instance I am new to this and I do not have much experience regarding this process. When telling another team, he puts me down by saying, “where does she have any experience in this.” It was very hurtful because his tone was very offensive, the tone of putting down someone. I thought he was a nice person/leader but I have observed that in more than one occasion he has spoken like this. I might be not so assertive but I think I can make a fine leader if given the chance. I don’t stand up for myself when someone speaks hurtfully and I am not sure of the reason. I ve been hurt a lot in life and experienced so much pain and I never want another person to experience the pain. I am very sensitive. I take all their c*** and don’t speak out but that does not mean i am a doormat. I have feelings too. Me not being assertive has to do with my upbringing and I’ve seen enough bad in the world. I am trying to unlearn so many things and it is taking time to be assertive and stuff on those lines.
I am getting thoughts like “Why should someone boss over me? Just because i don’t talk back that does not mean I am not hurt and just because I help people that does not mean I am not assertive. I finally want to make some good memories in life and make friends.” I value relationships more than anything else but of course no one understands all this.

I know I have to create harmony within myself because being emotional and sensitive is creating problems in every sphere of my life. I have to go within and heal it. In this regard I realized that I do not have to prove to anything to anybody. I have long fought for strenght, recognition (ex- promotions, pay hikes). At this moment in my life I want freedom from all this. Its alright if “they” think I am not assertive (I am new to work and chose it because I like it. I have a lot of prior experience). I’ve had enough of trying to prove myself to managers and now I choose not to! I’ll just do my best and enjoy work. I just don’t like being bossed over by someone (this is something I have to try to heal and will work on it).
If I can bring harmony within myself, all this will not hurt me no matter what. I have to let go off my ego. I’ll try and meditate and calm down and let nothing affect me. I’ll work on making good memories and loving myself in spite of my flaws.

I have tried to be a lion and tiger during different phases of my life. I’ve had those experiences. Now, I choose to be a wolf because i value freedom more, at this stage in my life. I have seen that one can be happy being a wolf as well.

Its so kind of you to have replied back. Take care. Have a nice day Anita 🙂