Hi Anne,

I emphasize completely and I’ve been there before. It feels lonely and sad to know that others are having fun, even though you’ve explicitly chosen not to join in.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Human beings have an innate need to want to connect and be around other people. If that need isn’t satisfied, loneliness and despair settle in. Now, we sometimes believe that life will present us with people and social opportunities that will fulfill that need – school, work, family, friends etc. When we don’t want to participate and can’t make a connection with these social spheres, we wonder, “Hey, what the hell is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to play with these people? If I’m so lonely, shouldn’t being with these people be fun and shouldn’t I want to go out and play?”

Time and time again we put on a facade and try to fit it in just to feel that connection, to feel accepted, to want to be invited. And it’s when you put on that mask, that facade, it’s when you try to fit in that you’re mind and body rebel against you. They say, “No! We’ve had enough. It’s exhausting doing these things and being around these people!”

And it’s true – forcing yourself to be with people you don’t connect with or doing things you don’t really enjoy doing is exhausting! You can try it for a while, but eventually, you just start saying no.

And you know what? That’s perfectly okay to try and connect, but if you don’t it simply means that you haven’t found your social sphere yet.

Before, I used to go to parties and attend events that we’re painfully taxing on my psyche. They were the only groups and opportunities that we’re within arms reach and I thought, “Okay, I’ll just fit in here, I guess. It’s the closest and easiest one to me, so I’ll just take what I’m getting.”

And boy was it exhausting. Putting on that mask. Trying to talk like they talk. Trying to be interested in the things they were interested in. Eventually, I had enough.

And that’s when the loneliness, envy, and regret settled in, but I knew I didn’t want to be with these people.

So then I took a different spin – rather than just taking advantage of social opportunities that were in front of me, what if I branched out and looked beyond my local circles (school, work, family, and friends).

Depending on where you live, the world offers so many different kind of social groups that you may have never considered connecting with – volunteer groups, clubs, committees, each one catering to a particular set of interest and attracting like minded people.

If you look beyond your local sphere, push yourself out of your comfort zone to try and connect with the bigger world around you, eventually you’ll find a social group where you feel so at ease that you don’t have to be anything than yourself and be more willing to say “Yes! I’m in!”

It will take some time to try and find the right fit, but there’s no pressure to commit right away.

And when you do find that group and next time your work colleagues invite you out to participate in an activity or event that’s not to your liking you’ll say, “Sorry guys, my calendar is full tonight. I’m meeting up with…..”

No loneliness. No feeling like you’re missing out. No envy. You’ll just have bigger fish to fry. 😉

Why are we playing a game?

If you just want to be friends, what would a friend do?

Would a true friend keep score?

1 text : 0 texts
1 invite : 0 invites

You’re busy. He’s busy.
You want to get together. You invite.
He wants to get together. He invites.
He does. You do.
He doesn’t. You don’t.

No games. No tricks. Just open and honest communication. No expectations. No demands.

Just a casual friendship. A meeting of people. Sometimes your schedules fit. Sometimes they don’t.

You come together. You drift apart. You come together again. You drift apart for a while.

Eb and flow. Eb and flow.

That’s the heartbeat of friendship. That’s the heartbeat of life.

Unless…..

Is there a desire for more than friendship? How honest can you be with yourself? How honest can you be with him?

If you asked and he rejected, you take a bow and gracefully walk off the stage. No kicking. No screaming. No clinging. Just letting go. Accepting you’ve played your part. Moving on to your next scene with other actors and he to his next scene with his.

I have to agree with Matt. My response was defensive. When I read your post, I could feel anger rising in me and a need to reach out and protect you.

At the same time, I think we’re saying the same thing, although Matt’s approach is a lot more compassionate to both your suffering and his.

I feel it too now. He is suffering also. He’s been hurt and wants validation. Unfortunately, it comes out as wanting compensation. I can see the difference now.

Hi Kiki,

Thank you for posting this question as this is an issue that I’ve also struggled with. Ever since reading Hamlet and hearing Polonius say, “To thine own self be true,” have I struggled with getting at the essence of what it means to live authentically.

I don’t have the complete answer yet, but here’s a couple of ideas that I’ve floated around. Firstly, your true voice or self would never say anything to debase you. In other words, you true voice would never make you feel anxious about who you are. It wouldn’t say anything mean about you, criticize, or judge you. If that’s what you’re hearing inside your head, that’s not the real you, but rather things that you may have heard said about you or said about other people which you’ve internalized.

To be honest, the moments when I’ve had the most clarity about who I am, is when I don’t hear a voice at all. There’s no mind, no thoughts jumbling around in my head evaluating me whether I’m doing things right or wrong, but just allowing me to be and do whatever feels right at any given moment.

Because I’ve taken the time to make explicit my values and principles that I want to follow, if I’ve taken those to heart and do my best to align my words and actions with those values and principles, the rest just falls into place. No voice. No judgement. No do this or don’t do that. No say this or don’t say that. Just being.

Meditation works best at becoming familiar with the tricks your mind plays on you and the slings and arrows that you throw at yourself. With diligent practice and loving kindness towards yourself and others, that voice just fades into ether and the audio track in your head just stops and you hear the cars rolling by, the babbling brook, the baby cry, the music on the stereo, people talking, all with no evaluation, no judgement, just peace. The voice or gremlins sometimes slip in and try to trip you up, but I know with more practice, I’ll be able to rid myself of them completely someday. In the meantime, those moments when the voices are silent are awesome and I hope you too find a way to get there.

Thanks for the clarification Ke.

So perhaps another good question to ask is, “How do we balance spending time with people with spending time alone?”

Both situations energize us and everybody’s thresholds / preferences are different. It’s not an either or situation, but just a question of finding the middle path.

By taking the time to become more self-aware, developing self-compassion, and confidence, we can feel more at ease and have more liberty declining invitations to spend time with people, being open to invitations to join in activities and attend events, and finding just the right spot between not enough and too much.

And as Lindsay mentioned, it also changes with time. Nothing stays permanent. Not even your preferences. Over the course of a day, a week, a month, a year, or decade, you can find yourself wanting to be more or less social. There is no right or wrong way. Only the way which feels right for you at any given moment or period in your life.

“If you wind the string too tight it will break and if you have the string too loose, there will be no music.” 🙂

• This reply was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by John.

Can’t say I’ve had much success with visual/kinesthetic ways of letting go. To me it sounds a bit like finding a modern scapegoat. The key chain, paper, and balloon didn’t do anything, why should they receive the brunt of our anger and frustration.

Writing is a good outlet to get emotions out, but I don’t think you need to burn the paper in any ritualistic fashion. Just getting them out there, recognizing that they’re there, becoming aware is a good first step.

Meditation works best and connecting with your values and principles. Although you may have been hurt and are angry, you know truly deep down inside at the core of your being you want others to experience love and happiness and wish them well despite any trespasses they’ve made against you. With that acknowledgement comes letting go and the inner peace that you seek.