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Thank you Matt. I know its me throwing poop everywhere and not being able to accept and love what is.
I want to be a better boyfriend, lover, someday husband, employee, family member, and friend. It takes work. It’s hard. And I’m going to make mistakes along the way, but I’m going to work hard – swallow my pride and try to really connect with her.
I’m not going to let my critical self, the criticism of others affect me. I’m going to let it wash over me like water off a duck’s back. At the same time, no more comparisons. No more criticisms and judgements of others. Just pure acceptance of what is. I’m going to let go of jealousy, anger, pride, and resentment.
Time to throw off the bathrobe, take a shower, and embrace life in all its glory, ups and downs.
She is always sparkling, I know it. Everyone is beautiful. And she was so beautiful to me.
I’d never call her a witch or think she’s one. There’s nothing wrong with her. She’s not perfect, but there’s nothing wrong with her. And she’s definitely not a witch.
The faults I see are all superficial; the way she speaks, eats, stands, sits, dresses, smiles, frowns, her hair – all very superficial. Physical beauty is so impermanent, I know that logically. None of these things will have any meaning years from now and these things that had no meaning a few months ago and yet now, it’s all I can think of. Why am I not attracted to her anymore? Why do my eyes wander to other women?
And so I’m left wondering, is this the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with? Do I want this woman to be the mother of my children?
It all feels and sounds so shallow, I make myself sick.
Tonight, I rest and relax and enjoy some good company with friends. Tomorrow is another day.
Thank you everyone for your positive and kind words.
Back to the cushion I go. 🙂
Thanks so much Ruminant. Very insightful.
I agree that wanting to be fearless is more ego talking. I’ll try to recognize it as such more often.
Words are very important to me and so I often take the words I hear in my head as gospel. I will try not to be so extremist in my thinking and will try to find a middle path and the stepping stones that will lead me out of this muck and mire.
Any advice on how to stop the questions that pop into your head? “Am I? Aren’t I? Do I? Dont’I? Should I? Shouldn’t I?”
It’s the incessant conversation with myself that takes up so much of my energy and takes away my focus and concentration leaving my brain feeling like a vegetable and no enough room for anything else, like new knowledge, learning, growth, and quiet.
Thank you for your responses. I will consider them fully.
I would like to face my fears and I don’t want to blame anyone for anything that has happened – not my job, not my girlfriend, not my parents. I want to take full responsibility.
My job was stressful, but I believed that if I could fake it, I could make it. Instead, my ego kicked in and my desire for recognition, status, and control created more confusion and havoc. Basically, my ego wrote a cheque it couldn’t cash.
Ruminant was spot on, my childish ways kicked in. I avoid stress, work, conflict, and basically any unpleasant feelings or thoughts. I tend to see the world through rose colour glasses.
What do I want really? I want to be fearless. I want to be authentic. I want to be who I want to be and not what my mind is telling me I am. I want the confidence to believe that I can do anything and overcoming any obstacle or set back. I want to be resilient and not become a child or cower under pressure or stress. I want to really care about people. I want to see their inner beauty and connect with them. I want to be honest with people and tell them what I really think and feel. I want to do good for this world. I want to be accepting of everyone and everything and believe in the goodness of others and see the best in everything and everyone. I want to be positive. I want to follow through on my commitments. I want to say “Yes” when I mean “Yes” and “No” when I mean “No”. I want to be productive and a good contributing member of society. I want to know my strengths and weaknesses and apply them accordingly. I want to feel connected with others. I want to wake up happy, energized, invigorated with a zeal and zest for life. But more than anything else, I want peace of mind.
I don’t want to be angry, resentful, hurtful, mean, apologetic, jealous, insecure. I don’t want to be driven my ego. I don’t want to be driven by status, money, sex. I don’t want to be judgmental or critical (of myself or others). I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to manipulate. I don’t want to be a people pleaser all the time. I want to stop searching for the next big thing that will make me happy or solve my problems. I don’t want to be so self deprecating and demand pity from others.
And yet the more effort I put in, the worse it seems to get. Forcing positivity, forcing relationships, forcing work, forcing love, forcing gratitude, forcing to care, forcing goodness, forcing generosity, it all seems to backfire with depression and anxiety.
This needs to stop and this needs to stop now! I have to get a grip and accept what is and just be happy with what I have and who I am.
I want to be honest, but what is the truth? My wires seem to be crossed. I don’t feel physically attracted to her, but I’m jealous of her being attracted to someone else. I feel anxious when she’s around, but miss her when she’s gone. I don’t feel worthy of her devotion and yet I can’t seem to return feelings of gratitude and love.
Taking some time away to see the parents might be a good idea, but it feels like running away and avoiding my problems. Though, I will consider it seriously.
All of this feels eerily familiar and a nasty pattern of thought and action that’s repeating itself. It has to stop. I can’t keep doing this to myself and others.
Thank you so much Matt for your kind words.
I will take them to heart and allow them to free my soul so that I may do better next time.
@Matt I was the king and entrusted with something very important to my people. What happened? I let them down. I panicked, cowered, and gave away parts of their kingdom to another king. One of the people I was serving still haunts my dreams. Should I speak with her and apologize? How do I get rid of my guilty conscience?
I’m doing just that. I’ve taken time off from work – how long, I’m not sure. And I’m taking time away from the gf as well.
I’m trying not to do anything, but it’s not easy. It feels like there’s so much that needs to be done and laying around doing nothing is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. Although I realize that surfing the web is that awful space between doing nothing (rest) and being productive. It neither recharges you, nor accomplishes anything.
Time for a nap.
Thank you so much for this out pouring of support. It’s amazing to find so many kind hearted souls out there.
@Matt I am being silly I know. This molehill has turned into a mountain and it feels like my world is coming to an end. I don’t know why I blame myself for everything and why I’m not able to forgive myself for my mistakes, but like a scared dog, lie belly up and submit to whatever punishment may or may not come. Letting go of fear and anger is so difficult.
@Aiyana My gf has been very supportive in the ways that she knows how. I can’t blame her for that nor can I expect anything more than she’s already giving. She’s her own person too and needs to maintain some semblance of herself while I go through this shit – whatever this is.
The walk did me good. It didn’t feel 100% right at the time, but I’m reaping the benefits now.
I’m glad I can turn to you for help and encouragement when I need it.
Thank you Matt. Your words have always been so supportive and caring. It scares me to read them and not feel uplifted.
The sword of Damocles is hovering above my head and will soon fall. I’m not sure when and where, but it’s coming. I have reached a position of significant power and authority within my workplace, but I’m afraid it’s been ill-gotten. I make assumptions, I’m not direct, I don’t always speak truthfully, I gossip, I play politics, but I’m so driven by my ego for more wealth, more power, more control, I don’t even realize I’m doing it, until after it’s done. The truth will come out. People will see me for what I am. I can’t believe it hasn’t happened already.
“With great power comes great responsibility” and “Uneasy the head that wears the crown” are two statements that come to mind. I reached too high too fast and now I’m paying the price. However, those around me are encouraging to me push farther and higher and I really, I don’t feel like I want to anymore. Not if it means that much anxiety and fear – people will see me as I truly am – a cowering, lazy, and spineless individual who tries to please everyone around him, pleasing no one in the end and spreading more discontent and anxiety.
My gf thought me strong and powerful – a man of confidence and conviction, strength. Now she’s seen me at my lowest and depressed and because she wasn’t able to relieve my stress or anxiety, I’ve started harboring resentment and anger towards her. I’m angry and guilty at the same time. I swing between wanting to be strong and win her respect to feelings of anger and dislike. I have let her down and I wish I could be that strong individual again, but my resources are depleted. I’ve been whipped and exposed, now I must pay the price.
The world would be better off without me causing everyone so much worry and stress – making situations more complicated and difficult than they need to be.
Is this just a voice in my head or is there some truth to this? My resources depleted, I don’t know whether it’s day or night anymore. If I expound my sins, maybe I’ll be relieved of these feelings of guilt and shame. Why doesn’t something or someone just put me away for good so I can do no harm no more.
But for now, I’m going for walk.
We will be taking a vacation together soon, but there’s so much fear and anxiety that’s it not going to make everything better. I’m afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I’m harboring so much anger and resentment it comes out in very hurtful ways. I want to get go and not have any expectations of anyone or anything. Just to be good and kind and loving and be loved, but it’s really hard. The more love I try to show and give, the more passive-aggressiveness there is within me. Everything looks so bleak and dreary and if I could just let go and be free that would be amazing. Everyone says I need to work at it and I need to take action, and I want to, but no matter what I do or say, it’s not fixing the situation. In fact, I think it makes it worse. The anxiety and fear are still there. I want to look at my girlfriend, my job, my food, my life in the same positive and open way I did before, but I feel very closed off and scared. It’s like everything is covered with an ugly veil. There’s no attraction or pull towards anything or anyone. I used to see the beauty and positive in everything, now I’m grasping at straws just to enjoy some of the most basic pleasures of life.
I know exactly the feelings and thoughts you’re describing. I’ve been there before. But you can train your mind not to get hooked by thoughts that pop into you head and keep yourself in the here and now.
If you haven’t already tried it, I would suggest going to meditation centre and getting an intro on how to meditate. It will take time to free yourself (for me, it was about 6 months), but a daily practice anywhere from 5-20 minutes will strengthen your mind and allow your thoughts to pass through you.
And that’s the key, don’t push thoughts away, don’t distract yourself, recognize unhealthy thoughts for what they are and allow them to dissolve. Reacting to them only feeds their hold on you. Like someone taunting you on the street, turning towards them and engaging with them only gives them what they want, attention. Instead, you just walk on by.
You won’t be able to stop the thoughts, don’t try. But as they come on, one after the other, pass over them and continue your daily activities as best as you can – eat, drink, sleep, exercise, work, play, the thought comes in, you recognize that it’s there, and you move on. You don’t push it away. You don’t get angry at it. You smile at the silly tricks your mind is playing on you and don’t allow yourself to succumb to it’s taunts.
Meditation is the best training you can do to help you develop this skill of not getting hooked. Start as soon as you can practice daily. It’s a lifelong change that will give you a whole new outlook on yourself and your life.
Wishing you all the best.
First of all, you’re not an idiot. That’s just your mind playing tricks on you.
You say, “It seems that every time I try to work on these problems I find myself off track a few days later.”
Working on problems, kicking old habits, unlearning behaviors, developing new patterns and ways of being is definitely going to put us off track. The mind will rebel. It’ll want to go where it feels comfortable and safe, because the new and different are unfamiliar and scary.
Be brave Tony. Keep working at it. In posting here, you’ve demonstrated that you’re able to be vulnerable, share, and have gained a new supporter in your plight.
Two steps forward, one step back. It’s a slow process, but eventually, you’ll get to where you want to go. 🙂
“Don’t use Buddhism to become a Buddhist. Use Buddhism to become better at whatever else in your life you are doing already.” – Dalai Lama
If you believe in God, then believe in God. I don’t think there’s anything in the Dharma that says you can’t or shouldn’t.
Sit, meditate, become familiar with how you mind works, and let go one breath at a time. 🙂