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Striking a balance between friends and romance is difficult especially when you find yourself getting along with members of the opposite sex.
My advice would be to join a local club that reflects your interests – a book club, hiking, sports, discussion groups, etc. And don’t be afraid to let people know why you joined which makes for a great opportunity to say explicitly, “I’m definitely not here to pick-up or get picked-up.”
Once other members hear that, they know where you stand and how to approach you.
It may take some time before you find a group that meets regularly and with whom you click, but hopefully within a few weeks, you’ll make a connection with at least one or two people that will foster into a friendship beyond the group’s organized meetings. If you don’t find one right away, don’t be discouraged. Just remain open to saying “Yes! I’ll try that!”
Best of luck and I hope your social circle grows exponentially! 🙂
I echo some of the experiences that other men have provided. I too left a relationship and then to mask the pain of loneliness, I quickly jumped into another relationship. Yes, from the outside it may have looked like I was having the time of my life, but remember, looks can be deceiving and all that glitters is not gold. Inside, I was distracting myself from the loss, taking passive revenge on my ex by trying to “have more fun” and “proving that I was over her”. All very unhealthy ways of coping and some ways it could have be considered “The Rebound”.
As has been mentioned before, don’t allow his actions to affect or define how you reflect and feel about your relationship.
That’s a really nice thought. I think it’s wonderful that you’re thinking of your friend and want to be supportive and show her that you care.
I don’t know if there’s a hard and fast rule about sending remembrance cards and so I think this is both a personal and cultural preference.
In North America, I don’t believe it’s a custom to send remembrance cards so I wouldn’t do it myself. In some European countries, I understand that the first year marks the end of mourning for a close loved one so I don’t know where a remembrance card would fall into that tradition.
The best advice I could give you is to just ask her about how she’s planning to to commemorate the anniversary. Some people visit the grave of their loved ones on special occasions (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc) so perhaps you could offer to join her. For some people, past the funeral, any mourning is done privately or with only immediate close family who knew the deceased.
If you don’t know her that well and as you say, you’re “sort of social friends”, this would be a good opportunity to talk and get to know her personal preferences.
“Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” is a beautiful rule, but I would also invite you to consider “Do unto others as they would do unto themselves.”
That’s brilliant Matt. Thanks. I’ve have 5 bucks to buy a 7 dollar item. Of course there will be struggle!
That’s exactly where I find myself now – trying to bring my Buddhist practice and principles into the work world. I’ll check out the book you mentioned.
When you’re hired to figure things out and solve problems, it’s hard not to react. There’s external pressures – time, money, resources. Things need to get moving and in order to do so, there’s got to be a space for dialogue. Learning needs to take place – on both sides. Information needs to be exchanged. Questions need to be asked. Difficult questions. Hard questions. I’m not here to get anyone. I’m not here to undermine anyone, but I do have a mission to accomplish, striving for something bigger and greater than all of us. I wish I could approach it with even more compassion and more understanding, but time and money are ticking. People get attached to their work, they identify with it, it becomes their baby, I’m not attacking them personally, they’re good people, but the work needs scrutiny and needs to be examined. I need the full picture and I need someone to explain like I’m a two year old and I would appreciate some patience from them as well.
Apologies for the rant. It just feels good to get out sometimes.
But I hear what you’re saying. It’s not my agenda and it’s not my problem. I’m just the scapegoat. The man who has been sent it to do someone else’s dirty work and what else could I expect but a backlash?
I need to step back. I’m a bit in over my head. I know what needs to be done, but perhaps I’m not the one to do it. There a more powerful people who get paid a lot more who have a lot more training than I have to resolve these issues. I tried, but I’m reaching the end of my tether. If a ship is sinking, as a passenger, I can’t step onto the water and keep it afloat.
Thanks Matt. It’s a challenge being compassionate with someone as they sling their arrows of stress, anxiety, and frustration at you. You’re just trying to help. Moving things forward. Find a resolution to the problem. Better understand the situation and the arrows keep flying as if you’re just aggravating the situation and the only satisfactory response from you would be “Yes, you’re absolutely right, it’s the end of the world and we should just stop trying.”
So much easier said then done to be patient, compassionate, understanding, and listen to so much pain and suffering. It can be exhausting. It’s taxing on your reservoir of energy.
Thanks Kimball. I appreciate your response.
Setting boundaries seems like a really good approach. I tend to avoid conflict of any kind and so it becomes difficult to express when someone is making feel uncomfortable or giving off a “bad vibe”. I don’t want to walk away from anyone and sometimes (in professional circles) that’s not an option. I’d much rather help the person “chill out” because I know they have a lot of potential in them, goodness, knowledge, and positivity within in them, but it doesn’t shine through and get’s masked by past pain, hurt, anxiety, and worry.October 3, 2013 at 2:20 pm in reply to: One Complicated Relationship After Another- Time For Change #43176
That’s freedom! Way to go Joe.
Check out, “If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path” by Charlotte Kasl
If you’re happy being alone and no longer driven by longing, need, or fear and you’re ready to ask yourself what you really want in a mate in terms of values, lifestyles, and goals, seeing others for who they are as opposed to who you need them to be, and be willing to walk away from someone who doesn’t share in what you believe in even if it means being alone for the rest of your life, you’ll find a lot more happiness and joy. That’s confidence. That’s strength. That’s freedom!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by John.
Follow your heart. If you feel like you’re willing to give him a chance and open to the possibility of him either reaching or not reaching his goals, then give him a chance. If stability and career are an important factor in your search for a partner at this point in your life, then be true to your needs. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is written in stone.
What’s worked for me?
‘Having patience with all things, but chiefly having patience with myself.’
I try and apply this rule as I develop new healthier ways of living that include
1. Daily meditation (Shamatha and Metta – they don’t come easy but after sitting everyday for 10 minutes for about a year, I think I’m getting the hand of it.)
2. Exercise (Running, walking, lifting weights, cycling – anything that gets me moving and adding lots of variety to my routines)
4. Listening to inspiring podcasts and lectures
5. Letting go of comparisons, evaluation, and judgement – of myself, but mostly of others.
6. Making healthy food choices
7. Connecting with people from all walks of life and trying to help them in any way I can
8. Wearing nice clothes (Not expensive clothes, just making sure I feel comfortable in what I have on)
9. Keeping my apartment clean and free of clutter or knick-knacks. (Your living space reflects your mental space and vice versa)
10. Spending time in the natural world – hiking, camping, sitting in the park and communing with nature
I’m looking forward to hearing other people’s ideas and suggestions. 🙂
Step back and look at the bigger picture. You already recognize that you’re working your body and mind too hard. If anything this experience can teach you that even you have limits and when your body and mind are not at peace, there are repercussions.
“Regret doesn’t mean we did badly. It means we can do better.” – Karyn Schultz
And in this case, I think doing better means taking care of your needs first so that if you need to be in a position to help someone, they’re getting your undivided care and attention.
We all make mistakes. That’s what life is all about. If we can use that mistake to make things better, grow, and change, then that mistake had a purpose and meaning. Don’t deny it happened, but also don’t allow it to paralyze you. Reflect on and nurture the experience into something new and beautiful. A better and healthier you. 🙂
You have lofty ambitions for this relationship, and it’s admirable, but I would caution as to whether or not it’s realistic. I’m not sure what a power couple is, but I doubt there is such a thing. The beginning is always wonderful and high and but be prepared for the dark and low as well and don’t back yourself into a corner that you can’t escape from.
Adults can play boardgames, video games, sports, or even in the bedroom. Don’t play games with your heart or his. Relationships aren’t about keeping score. If you have something to say, say it when you can. If he has something to say, he should feel free to say it when he can. If you have a question, ask it. If he has a question, he should feel comfortable asking.
Treating romance as horseplay just means someone is going to get hurt. Do you really want to be with someone who’s going to play games?
You’re on the right track – wait until such a time when you can have a good heart to heart face to face. If you talk about it openly, honestly, directly, and are both on the same page in terms of values, life goals, lifestyles, and beliefs, than you can decide.
I personally think it’s easier to fall in love with someone from a distance. You don’t see them everyday, their habits, their moods, their good days, bad days, their immediate reactions, their volatility. The few times you meet are so intense because you know that time is precious and you try to have as much fun and sex as possible. How could that not be amazing? Even when apart, everything you experience is tempered by time and distance so odds are you’ll get to experience their better half and even that will be veiled via text, email, skype, or phone. Nothing can replace the face to face interaction to make a decision about long term compatibility.
Because you’ve met only a handful of times, in this case I would say that this “long distance relationship” is not a relationship. It’s agreement between two people to actually putting “relationships” on hold until such a time that they can actually be together over a longer period of time and then start a relationship to see if things work out between them.
While you wait for Christmas, open your heart and mind to the possibility of meeting someone closer to you. You’ve experienced a lot change recently and found a new source of confidence – you now have one potential suitor, who knows what other prospects might be lurking around the corner if you’re open to the possibility. 😉
Hey Edlin! Thanks for sharing! Glad to see some good news posted in the forum. 🙂
I hear where you’re coming from. When your identity is tied to externalities or labels of what people think or say about you, it’s really hard to change. I mean, how can you? You’re trapped in a box that says, “This is Alia” and all the labels on the box are being stuck on there by other people.
I faced a similar situation in trying to change and the thing that allowed me to really turn a new leave was getting to a place where I really stopped carrying as much what other people thought. It’s easier said than done, I know, but it’s a very important step in the change process.
Your whole life you grow up wanting to make your parents, family, and friends happy and look to them for validation, “Am I doing okay?….Do you approve?”
If they say you’re bad, then you feel bad. If they say, you’re good, then you feel good. If they think you’re confidant, then you feel confidant. If they call you a fake, then you feel like a fake. It seems really quite absurd when you think about – why do we feel what other people think or say?
I think, one of the first steps towards freedom is not to change how people label the box that is you, the key is to get out of the box completely!
Currently, our society has an obsession with self-esteem and self-worth, both of which are based on evaluation, judgement, and labels – of yourself, of others, of how others compare to you, and how you compare to others.
I think the road to self-esteem and self-worth are dead-ends. They just perpetuate the need to compare, to know, and care how others think about your or feel about you. It creates an unhealthy dependency and it’s unsustainable. Big country, small country, big city, or small city, eventually you’ll come across other people’s judgement, criticism, and evaluation.
But if how you feel about yourself and how you act are no longer dependent on the approval or validation of others, there will be nothing to stand in your way to become the person who you want to be.
To help you break free of this cycle, try this resource: http://www.self-compassion.org/
I hope this helps.