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I believe that people who throw labels around, judge, compare, and criticize do so only because deep down inside, they’re insecure in their own skin. By trying to make you more like them or change you, it validates their own actions. If you drink, party, and act recklessly, then their drinking, partying, and recklessness is justified.
“See”, they say to themselves, “I’m not the only one who is doing this. Other people do it too so that makes it okay.”
Peer pressure is ultimately driven by fear and loneliness. These things won’t really make them happy if they do it alone, but if they can get others to do them, then it doesn’t seem as pathetic and insecure.
Stay true to your compass. If that means finding a new social circle, that’s okay. There are over 7 Billion people in this world and I’m sure there’s at least a dozen in your own town or city that are of your generation and share your feelings, values, interests, and goals.October 31, 2013 at 7:07 pm in reply to: When Something Beautiful Cannot be Realised (For Artists?) #44699
I think real beauty is a team coming together to create something that captures, expresses, nurtures, and grows each and everyone’s unique talents and abilities. Which means, when we collaborate with others, we leave our egos at the door.
“I was brainstorming.. ”
“I am the creator of the group..”
“I wrote a massive document..”
“I was protective with my vision…”
“I poured my heart and soul…”
“I potentially won’t get to meet valuable contacts….”
“I had instructed him…”
To me, it doesn’t sound like a collaborative effort.
If the expectations are clear up front that these individuals are here to serve you, realize your vision, that your the boss, your in control, that what you say goes, then you every right to be mad at them because your not getting your money’s worth. Fire these people and get better minions.
Collaboration requires patience, compassion, compromise, nurturing, facilitation, and trust, where the collective gains of the group out weigh the needs of any one member.
Be honest with yourself, do you really want to collaborate or simply dictate? There’s no right or wrong way to approach it. No one will judge you either way. Just be open and honest with others on where you coming from.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by John.
I feel for you. Life has definitely thrown you a curve ball.
When your identity is so attached to roles like “husband”, “son”, “employee”, “citizen of country X”, if for whatever reason those things change or are taken away from you, you might feel life has no purpose or meaning. But that’s not true. You are more than those things and it’s just a matter to discover the real you. The one who isn’t defined by your career, your relationship, your source of income, or where you live. You’re connected to those things, but your not tied to them. They’re all impermanent and can flow in and out of your life slowly or flip-on/off like a light switch, as in your case.
There’s a special opportunity to here for you to find a new source of meaning and purpose and that is within you. And when you discover how fluid and ever changing you are as individual, future obstacles, twists, and turns, will have less of a debilitating impact.
I’ve been there before and I can understand the pain and suffering you’re experiencing, but, as with all things, this too shall pass.
The heart, body, and mind can insist like a small child throwing a temper tantrum, but that doesn’t mean we have to capitulate to those fits. We’ve been hurt, it hurts, it’s painful, but what we really need is to give ourselves a big hug, self-soothing, and self-compassion.
I believe that you can love someone fully without surrendering yourself completely, still remaining on firm ground, true to your values, and secure in your independence, secure in the knowing that if for whatever reason you couldn’t be together, you as an individual are still a whole and complete human being who will live on to have new experiences, find new loves, and overcome whatever challenges life throws at you.
Nothing lasts forever – all good things come to and end. And although there is pain in that ending which needs a little soothing and compassion , there is also beauty, growth, renewal, and rebirth into a higher state of being with strength and confidence.
I feel for your heartbreak. There’s no doubt about it, heartbreak is hard. Harder still when the foundation on which you stand is unstable. When so many of your eggs are put into the relationship basket, should it break, you’re left with so little.
There’s new strength and resiliency in using this experience to learn to let go and look down below your feet. To truly let go without any expectation of what may or may not happen and accepting whatever comes without rhyme or reason. To find your own goodness, strength, love of self, interdependence with the world, peace, and quiet. Not to cling to the last person, this person, or the next person, but allow people to flow in and out of your life like the kisses of a butterfly that sits on your wrist just for a moment and then flutters away. To try to hold onto to it too tightly and it’s brittle wings will be crushed.
Hope can be a beautiful and gentle spiritual experience, but be careful when hope becomes craving, unrequited desire, grasping, begging, pleading, spinning in circles wondering why oh why! – that only leads to pain and suffering. I should love him, he should love me, we should be together, so much should-ing yourself and others, wanting for things to be as they are not. That’s a tale-tell sign that it’s not hope your feeling, but rather unhealthy attachment to an ideal or fantasy that may not exist.
Take this opportunity to learn about yourself and your relationship with relationships. Believe me, there’s a better way to go through life, to love, and be loved. Although it will never be pain free, taking this time to build a stronger foundation, you won’t fall into despair so easily.
I’d love to take a look, but the link seems to be broken. Could you repost it?October 24, 2013 at 5:59 am in reply to: I am uncertain sometimes or every time when priority comes #44284
From the sounds of it, it feels like you might be dealing with fear of regret and buyers remorse and it’s blocking you from making a decision because you feel like you have to make the right one.
Here’s something that helped me get over that fear:
I hope it helps you too. 🙂
Dear John (30’s),
Looking back at my life, I spent too much time worrying about what other people think of me. I spent too much time thinking about whether or not I might be hurting someone’s feelings or disappointing them. I spent too much time worrying that I might reject someone, that I might not being doing the right thing, or not doing what someone else wanted me to do. I spent too much time worrying about what makes other people happy. I spent too much worrying if someone was going to like me or not. I spent too much time worrying if other people felt comfortable at and ease. I spent too much time feeling the pain, guilt, and shame of the past.
I spent too little time doing things such as enjoying myself and my solitude. Doing things for me because they made me happy. I spent too little time taking risks and trying things out to see if they fit.
If I could go back in time, then I would just take each day as it comes, for better or for worse, not always been driving so hard and fast towards something. I would talk more openly about my feelings, issues, problems, joys, and pains. I wouldn’t have held anything back for fear of seeming weak or like a failure or needy. I would have taken a few more slow breaths and enjoy each moment as it came. Even the more difficult ones. I would be open to not only giving love, but also receiving love and expressing my desire to receive love and my gratitude for having received it. I would treat people as my equals. Not above me. Not below me, but just a fellow human beings. I would stop comparing my life to other people’s and evaluating myself against others.
If I could do it all over again, I would reach-out and connect with others. Make time for others and allow them to make time for me. I would share more of myself with others – letting them know what I think and how I feel regardless if those thoughts and feelings only apply to a particular moment and don’t define me entirely as a human being.
I would want to be generous and help people. I want to give my time and attention to really get to know someone about who they are, where they have been, and where they might be going.
I would be myself in all the light and shadow that is there.
Thank you Matt and Nessy. I appreciate your encouraging words.
Someone got to me yesterday that undermined my confidence and hence the rising of thoughts and emotions. I didn’t know what to do with it. A little child inside came out and wanted to either cry and retreat and hide or stand-up and fight, but I felt that either way, there has to be more skillful way to deal with conflict and personal attacks. I know there will be more, because the person I’m dealing with it has a lot of pent up resentment and frustration so the arrows will continue to fly. I feel for them, I really do. But I can’t just sit idly by and continue to be cut at. I want to show skillful compassion to their suffering at the same time ensure I don’t get sucked into their neurosis.
Matt, other than meditation, do you have other recommendation on reading and practices that could in my learning and growth and deepen my practice?
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through so much pain and hardship. You’ve shown so much resilience and stamina putting up with such unhealthy behavior and lies. It’s very admirable.
But, so far, I don’t think this man has done anything that demonstrates that he deserves your friendship and love. Quite the opposite. His actions belittle you, make you doubt yourself, and as you said compromise your self worth and values. Where is the friendship and love there?
His unstable actions, lies, and inconsistency are a whirlpool of pain and suffering. He’s obviously got issues that he needs to resolve, but there’s no need for you to get tangled in it any further. You tried, you took him back, and now he wants to walk away for good. Free yourself of this noose around your neck that’s choking the life out of you. Nothing on the horizon points to the fact that he’s building a strong foundation and you need to take the time to rebuild yours.
Sure, someday you might be friends with him, but that day isn’t today. The wounds are too fresh. They need time to heal. You stand at the threshold of a new and improved you. Leave the baggage behind and start fresh, a new, a clean slate. Any contact with this individual, no matter how seemingly insignificant has the potential to pull you back into despair without you even realizing.
It’s like a taking off a band-aid – it needs one just strong, but painful pull. Be prepared with lots of self-compassion and time to yourself to grieve.
Thanks everyone for all of your great responses. I’m not living with anyone right now, but I hope to someday and I’d like to make sure we start off on the right foot when it comes to money.
The consensus thus far seems to be whatever the couple agrees to and feel comfortable with.
If anyone has any other advice, keep it coming. 🙂
To try and replace love with hate will just perpetuate you into a cycle of suffering and pain. It replaces one type of clinging with another. Anything you try to push out, will only push harder back. That’s how the connection is maintained and strengthened.
Meditate, breath, let go.
Send out loving kindness to yourself, to him, and everyone you know. Rise above your need for revenge, for hatred, for guilt. Negativity is like a boomerang – direct it at someone else and it will only smack you across the head when it comes back.
I feel for your confusion.
There could be a thousand reasons why he contacted and he’s the only one who really knows.
Either way, it doesn’t sound like a very sound and sincere email or healthy communication. If he tries to contact you again, I doubt it it’s someone with whom you might want to continue to correspond with. It’s just having your healing wounds ripped open.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through such a turbulent time. The first thing that jumped out me is that you feel insecure and might be looking for sex and alcohol to mask any pain that you’re feeling. You cling to your former lover, you cling to the bottle.
If you have completely fallen for your former lover, then I doubt a friendship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with your husband.
But more importantly, I don’t think a relationship with him will help you reconcile your relationship with yourself.
I think some time alone to do some deep soul searching would be best – why do you feel insecure? was the sexless marriage the only thing that drove you to have an affair? what needs are not being met for you right now?
Rather than looking for sex and alcohol as band-aid solutions, what’s really missing for you deep down inside?
What a great question!
Gratitude is like a muscle – we’re all born with it, but if you don’t lose it, you lose it and so it needs to be exercised.
At first it’s going to be hard, don’t try to lift too much weight too fast. The list you have going is already a fantastic start. Keep a gratitude journal and start writing down every day the things you’re grateful for, no matter how small or big, how insignificant or major.
Nothing lasts forever, but appreciating what you have today will ensure you enjoy it and make the most of it while it’s here.
All the best. 🙂