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Rainbow

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  • August 14, 2018 at 8:25 am in reply to: CBT resources #221415
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you so much Prash!

    Hi Anita,

    You are right. I am longing to be free from myself. To be honest, in the last three years a lot of this(thinking i am a bad person) has dropped off. I feel much freer but it came at the price of painful situations. At this point, the specific situation is a romantic one (well this is arranged marriage type like in India where we met two times and chatted three days, so not really romantic! lol) wherein I feel I could have worked it out but I am pushing him away maybe because of some fears. I am trying hard not to blame myself but I am causing myself hurt nevertheless and for just a two time meet! I am unable to stop crying for a month :0

    How will I be able to handle tougher life situations in the future if I am so sensitive and cant let go…

    I’ll explain the situation detail in the next message.

    Thank you so much Anita 🙂

     

    August 14, 2018 at 12:40 am in reply to: CBT resources #221391
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Peter!

    I appreciate it so much! I’ll look up the books/resources you’ll have suggested. How does one practically implement these? Is it just about challenging ones thoughts?

    For me I feel I am reason for everyone’s misery. Also, if I perform an action which does not align with “my beliefs” I feel life is not worth living. I always tried diverting my thoughts or push stuff under the carpet till now because if there was pain it involved only me. Now that I am dating, its becoming almost impossible for me to handle these emotions now that another person is involved. If “I feel” that I “hurt” the other person, I go insane. The point is sometimes genuinely another person could be hurt but I do get over it but there are times I make assumptions that another person is hurt though he may not be too hurt.. I am in crazy place..Its much better if i stay single. This attachment, suffering and saying no or someone rejecting me is too painful…And I dont seem to understand how to deal with it apart from crying, not being able to take up a job, hurting myself… Being an adult these are unhealthy coping mechanisms. Sure I have made mistakes, maybe big ones because I was not aware of myslef. But how much does self condemnation help? Desires are thwarted at the moment.. I have to learn to endure and figure out how to deal with all this…

    Sorry for this much venting…:(

    April 26, 2018 at 10:02 am in reply to: Chronic pain #204283
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.. I needed to read that now.

    Lots of hugs to you. 🙂 Have a beautiful day

    April 26, 2018 at 9:50 am in reply to: Chronic pain #204273
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Lol

    Because of this pain, I am so scared to get back to a job. I have 8 years of work experience. I did pretty well and fullfilled some career aspirations that I had. Last year around this time I resigned. My father passed away. My sister got married. There was some house repair/shifting etc. The next three months I applied to aa basi yoga teacher course. I volunteered as a yoga teacher for some months at a weekend rehabilitation home for adolescent girls with slight epilepsy. During this year, I have had bouts of depression due to various stuff including this pain. I ve given many interviews which haven’t got through/I have not accepted due to some reasons.

    So yeah now I am scared to apply due to my pain/depression.

    I know it is the stress. I am meditating, yoga, helping around the house everyday. I try to study for my job interviews but I find it tough to maintain focus..

    Basically my mental health and physical health is getting unpredictable by the day.

    I just want to give myself a couple of more months time and develop a proper routine.

    I have kind of stopped eating at.night, stopped sugars and so on. Maintaining this discipline is a little tough. I just hope the universe rewards me..pls pls pls. I need a break.

    April 26, 2018 at 8:12 am in reply to: Chronic pain #204259
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Social norms! Sigh! What stood in my way for several years.

    It’s better now Anita. It’s the belief system that I have to let go. I am standing in my own way.

    I have made huge progress in the last few years. I am proud of myself. To be honest when I see my friends so happy, I feel what mistake have I done. I worked so hard. I read so much self help books but look at me, with obsessive and depressive thoughts now. What the hell was i actually doing. Well  I’ll keep reminding myself of how much I have changed for the better.

    I wish I atleast enjoyed myself in my 20’s. I can’t think of what I did to be facing so many obstacles in my life. My shitty karma has come to the fore probably. I am just praying and praying and praying.

    April 25, 2018 at 11:34 pm in reply to: Chronic pain #204167
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Anita,I ve kind of moved past that phase but yeah you are right. It stemmed from a dysfunctional family. I am recognising the need to be assertive. 15 years of picking up some habits, now I am working very hard to reverse them.

    I am fanatically working on positive thinking. I want some good material on CBT.

    I am just so annoyed I got myself to this point. I won’t give up though. I’ll keep trying.

    April 11, 2018 at 7:11 am in reply to: Today I am grateful for.. #201765
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Mango season

    Tasty mangoes  😀

    A talk with my mother about the past and life in general

    April 10, 2018 at 2:29 am in reply to: Today I am grateful for.. #201591
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Food

    Resources

    My mother

    Physical pain as a pointer to exercise and follow a healthy diet

     

    March 29, 2018 at 2:36 am in reply to: Reality or Expectations Too High #199883
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Hi Kevin,

    Congratulations to you for all the hard work you did, despite the tough childhood. Going to therapy for several years is not easy. I am glad that you are doing well. You fail to notice that though you had several challenges, you went to therapy instaed of seeking drugs, alcohol and prolonging your suffering. Taking a wise decision when feeling vulnerable, lost, shy and hurt is not an easy thing to do.

    You come across to me a wise, strong, resilient,patient and a loving person. Thank you for writing this post. You really inspired me. I hope you don’t get dejected with your career goals. Sending love and prayers to you. I hope you  find answers to your career goals. Wishing you well 🙂 take care

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Rainbow.
    March 29, 2018 at 12:48 am in reply to: I committed to some goals but I failed… #199879
    Rainbow
    Participant

    After a good rain, the sun comes out ? Yessss :). I however thought I can learn dancing in the rain, well I am trying my best. Equanimity is helping.

    Yes He/She is everywhere. If the ‘self’ like you and me can be so compassionate and loving toward others and ourselves, I wonder how loving the ”Self’ within us could be. Ia am exploring the different traditions as well. Non duality, awareness and so on.

    True, I don’t believe in hell or a punishing God. My own earthly father would not want be to burn in hell even if I commit a wrong doing. I am sure the ‘Self’ is only love. I have to find out for myslef by going within.

    Thank you Peter. :):)

    Heyy Jihan, sometimes I forget that I set a little high expectations for myself and that I need to relax 🙂 thanks for the reminder brother. Walking the path with ya.. thank you for your reply.. I’ll take it easy…

    March 25, 2018 at 10:07 pm in reply to: Self – love #199473
    Rainbow
    Participant

    And yes fear is such a big lie.. it is a horrible thing. I am learning the sneaky behaviour of fear which only serves to prolong our suffering.. no more fear.. you can’t deceive me any more.. and I will look up the book you have mentioned. So glad it’s helping you. Thank you Christine 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Rainbow.
    March 25, 2018 at 10:05 pm in reply to: Self – love #199471
    Rainbow
    Participant

    I ve been on the quest of self care for a couple of years now. The path is still a mystery but learning bits and pieces here and there from people around and posts like these. Little pointers can be remembered and put to use especially during SOS periods lol :D. Walking the path with you Bobby. Let’s walk each other Home. Biggest hugs to you ❤

    Christine, I was too ignorant about self love. I was too busy loving others and my behaviour was too outward, that I ignored myself. I realised that this too is a mental defilement that needs to be addressed. Any mental defilement brings suffering to us and others around. This was an eye opener for me. I still don’t know what self love is but I know for sure I am walking the path, don’t know how to articulate it. Hi-five to you. Lots of love to you dear sister ❤ take care

    March 25, 2018 at 8:33 pm in reply to: I committed to some goals but I failed… #199445
    Rainbow
    Participant

    And yes I understand when you say we are the devil. Our thoughts are our worst enemy.. we can choose to be our best friend or our worst enemy..

    March 25, 2018 at 8:23 pm in reply to: I committed to some goals but I failed… #199441
    Rainbow
    Participant

    What led me to choose the name Rainbow? Nothing in specific 🙂 I am glad you attached a lovely meaning to it though 🙂 thank you once again

    March 25, 2018 at 8:19 pm in reply to: I committed to some goals but I failed… #199439
    Rainbow
    Participant

    Sometimes the devil makes you come down to your knees. Maybe it’s better to stay that way and let him pass.

    All my life I’ve spent on self improvement but when the time of karma showed up, I did not pass my test, ended up injuring myslef and several people. I have no clue how simple things can get so big at times, maybe that’s why it’s called karma 😀

    I want to believe that this devil is a part of God. i can’t accept the fact that God did not protect me. How could God make me do something or not give me forethought as to how to handle it. Anyway, my arrogance and wretchedness got shattered i guess. I am different person now then I used to be but the pain is too much. Why does the universe not teach through Love?

    The wise learn to introspect and heal, burn their Karma’s in meditation. For ppl like me,the bad stuff come into the outer world, and for some years I keep running outside to fix it but then I realise I have to fix it within me. Not that if it comes out into the outer world, it’s a bad thing but the suffering is manifold. I truly understand samsara (the cycle of birth and death) now. I do not want to come back to this earthly realm ever. It’s a terrible place filled with suffering, heartache, disease, old age, delusion, devils play.

    I’ll try to be positive atleast till the time I am alive, for my own sanity :D. I have a bad habit thinking about how bad the world is..

    I’ll look up Tao. I ve heard of it. Very new to me though. I practice breath meditation and Kriya Yoga technique. Tough job my Guru has undertaken. I wish my Guru all the best. I am not sure how be will chnage my coal behavior into diamond 😀

    The important thing i learnt from your message is, not to take things too seriously. This has been my biggest lesson. I used to be a perfectionist,even in relationships and I hurt ppl around me with my beliefs. I ll take life as it comes And try to be less serious..

    Thank you for taking the time out to reply Peter. I really appreciate it. Have a lovely day 🙂

     

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