The decision to homeschool was out of a portrayed disdain we were fabricating for the school in general. She really thought she was helping us by getting away from our situations AT school, but it wasn’t as bad as we were making it out to be (or at least in my case). I just hated going to school like every other kid that was my age at the time I suppose. My father definitely didn’t disappear from our lives. I actually work at the same place as him, and we talk quite abit. During childhood, he played the disciplinary role, but I never found his level of discipline unreasonable. I felt they were good parents given the cards they were dealt.

One thing that happened in my childhood that hasn’t been brought up yet, but may have played a significant role in my development was that at around the age of 4 or 5, I had an older cousin by about 6 years molest me. I don’t believe there was any penetration, or that he touched MY body, and to be honest. I don’t remember most of it at all. I’m not entirely sure if it’s had an effect on my sexual development or anything, but I do remember having thoughts in class with my peers at a young age, that I’d been introduced to something they knew nothing about (sexual activity), and it almost made me feel more “grown” than them. I of course didn’t share this with anyone my age, what had happened eventually came out to the family, but it had been kept pretty quite.

Thank you Anita. I have set up a date Monday per your advice. Although- I’m not very excited about it. She’s even more attractive and obviously shows far more interest in me than this girl that disappeared on me. But I can’t seem to think about anything but this girl from last week. It’s at a stage where I know it’s unreasonable. I know I shouldn’t have my thoughts filled with her and what happened. But I simply can NOT. STOP. thinking about her and the situation.

This weekend I did things that should have been great fun, and should have taken my mind off of it at least for afew hours. I played 5 hours of golf for the first time with friends. We had a big bbq that included afew games and tournaments. The entire time, my thoughts have been absolutely dominated by this girl that I had only a single date with, how I failed in something that should have come so natural for me as a man, and how if I HADN’T failed, everything would be ok right now. And truth be told, even looking back at her, I know she wasn’t anything special. I know that even at the time we were talking- I was having reservations about whether she was someone I’d even be interested in a long term sense. But knowing these things has done nothing to quell my current pain at all.

It’s gotten to a point where I cannot stomach being at home. I can’t watch movies or television shows. It’s Sunday night right now, and I’m sitting at home writing this, and there’s a wave of gloom that washes over me- knowing that I’m about to start the work week and be locked in the home/work/home/work cycle for afew days. But even when I’m at work and naturally anticipating the end of the work day’s freedom and the ability to return home; I shudder at the thought of walking into my house. Almost like I’d prefer just staying at work rather than coming home where this newfound loneliness is waiting for me.

I’m starting to think I’ve got issues on a much deeper level than I know. I mean.. why after a single date am I having such intense and emotional feelings about this? I’ve almost gotten to the point of crying occasionally on afew days since I’ve found out I’ve been rejected. What’s been putting me on the brink of crying these few days is the thought that she’s gone. “She”, being someone that didn’t mean much to me to begin with. But suddenly every text of our past conversations hold much more significance than they actually do, and this newly developed way of thinking; that I have nothing. Could this date, and subsequent rejection have triggered something eternally in me that’s been lying dormant? These intense emotions can’t be common, can they? For the simple fact that she was able to walk away so easily, and the common sense idea that today’s people can hookup so easily and be divorced of emotion.. this has got to be something I’m experiencing alone, right?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Josh.

@Lacienaga Yes, thank you. I’m trying very hard to separate my “soul” from our life together I guess you could say. I’ve done all the self-refelection, and evaluating of the relationship I feel I can benefit from, there’s alot of rumination and obsessive thinking lately. Replaying memories, and asking myself questions that can’t be answered. My spirit has recovered substantially, but the 800 lbs gorilla still sits by my bed ready to jump on my chest as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.

After 5 years together, and having every decision from minor to major being based on “us “, living for myself, and becoming the man “i” want to be is an entirely foreign concept to me. I joined a new gym, and am considering a membership at a boxing gym.

“She has made her choice. She is living a new life.” It’s THAT PART RIGHT THERE that is crippling, and is has been very hard to wrap my mind fully around. I know…”just don’t think about it, and move on”, but that part there… I don’t know. It’s debilitating.

@anita I’ve never considered it. Would you suggest that as a method of getting over my ex-girlfriend? I don’t feel like I’m fully healed, but it hurts to think she hasn’t had a problem moving on.

@anita Maybe so. I’ve created multiple online dating profiles, including a $30 a month match.com subscription, but with limited success. I’m extremely introverted, very shy,  and don’t get out very much. Meeting women can be hard for me and giving them a good first impression can be challenging and taxing. I don’t find it “fun” like many men,  I’m not looking forward to it at all. I think all this is also compounding on the loss, and is another reason I’m taking the loss so hard. Because I don’t know when I’ll or how I’ll replace her.

That being said, since the breakup, it’s been hard to even look at other women in a romantic way. I still feel like I’m in relationship mode, and when i come to the realization that i can in fact get with these women now, a wave of anxiety washes over me and I begin getting very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I get this way, what to do about it, or how I’m supposed to move on in life.

I’m 30 years old, and now I have to meet a a woman,  get to know her in hopes that sshe’ll be a good person, and get her to like me enough to hopefully have children and be married by 35. This depresses me massively, particularly considering just afew months ago, I had the woman I thought I would have all of that with, and it would happen soon.

You’re implying this new relationship of hers is something of a rebound, I think you may be right. Obviously I don’t know any of the dynamics of their relationship, and that she’s had more time to grieve the relationship than I have, but this is a guy that’s got nothing going for him, and if it’s purpose is to quell feelings of loneliness and attachment, that’s the definition of a rebound, isn’t it?

I keep floating the idea around in my head to email her. Sometimes I think it sounds like a terrible idea. That she’s in a new relationship (even if it’s a rebound), and it will come off as invasive and desperate, and on the other hand I think, “what did I have to lose”?

It wouldn’t be anything asking for her back. Judy telling her I know a lot of what i did that made her “unhappy”, and although i know she owes me nothing, if she could help me understand more of what I was lacking in the relationship, it would help me to become a better man, while stating things she could improve on (communication, setting boundaries, ect). Of course I’d state that this isn’t any attempt to open a dialogue with her, just a way to help myself improve.

@anita everything you said sounds very spot on. It hurts. Depending on the source, 3 months is “more than enough time” to heal, or barely scratching the surface of a long road, but either way, I just can’t get her face off out of my head, or her out of my mind. I’ve learned alot, and it hurts so much knowing the lessons I’ve learned won’t be able to be implemented in a relationship with her. That’s life though, and I know I need to quit sulking.

The struggle I’ve had in moving on has been even having the ability to even look at other women. I still feel as though I’m still in a relationship, and so happy that I’m not “on tnt hunt” anymore. I was so happy being faithful to her. I don’t know how I can get these feelings of not WANTING to let go, and accept the breakup. I know I need to. But I feel like I’m still holding onto it with everything I’ve got, even when we haven’t spoke, and I know she’s dating another man.

@Anita yes, after reading the books, there was were quite afew things that i could have done better in order to keep her interested in the relationship. There were red flags i missed in terms of non-verbal communication  of her level of unhappiness with the relationship (less effort put forth in house work, spending more time with friends ect)

And honestly i never noticed any problems Roth communication in their family dynamic. Het mother is a little shy but definitely speaks het mind. That’s the only thing I can think of