Thank you for being so patient with me through this process.

What you’re saying about my mother makes more sense than ever now. I understand the focus there.

I would argue however that I haven’t completely stopped the healing process. No doubt it has been difficult and I’m at crossroads right now that will either be empathy for myself or empathy for my mother and father. Could I not experience both however? This may not be you’re intention but sometimes it seems like you’re advising me to hate my mom. I’m not sure if having empathy for myself means hating my mom in the process. I do not hate her but there is anger there that is difficult for me to access at times, out of fear of feeling “bad”. Is there a way to have empathy for myself without hate for the other? Or are hate and anger not neccesarily Interchangeable?

This is very confusing for me to understand what exactly I need. I know I lack self empathy, but every time I’m hard on myself it’s not like I’m consciously thinking about my mom. I’m more so thinking about how I need to work harder at healing. I’m so sorry if this is confusing. I’m very confused myself right now about what exactly I need.

Thank you so much Anita for continuing to work with me.

Not suprising but again you are correct. I still have not made it out of bed today it’s almost 3pm. I told myself I was going to go run this morning then do my homework, then clean, meal prep, etc. Once I failed to motivate myself to go run in the cold rain, I shut down and considered my day a failure because I couldn’t accomplish the first thing on my list. Problem is now it’s a downward spiral where I feel like a failure and get stuck trying to answer questions of “why can’t I motivate myself?” And then end up doing nothing the entire day. I suppose loving and empathizing with myself despite not accomplishing my goal for the day is the answer as you suggested.

I think I love myself, until someone makes me aware that im really just shaming myself to get things accomplished. In this moment I’m even angry at myself for not seeing that self hatred dynamic clearly this morning and moving on with my day. Perfectionist tendencies. I think “why should it take anita pointing that out to you for you to understand that you’re not loving yourself. You should love yourself better!” Which is not helpful to actually loving myself. Shaming myself into loving myself makes no sense.

How do I let go of this constant frustration and criticism of myself? It’s difficult because I have people tell me good things about myself constantly and I wonder how long I can keep up impressing people. I’ve got the whole imposter syndrome feeling going on. That i feel like a failure to myself but others see me as talented, strong, and creative. However I continue to think of myself as not good enough. The level of frustration I have with myself grows as I write this. I have no reason to hate myself but continue to do so. Why do I continue to hate myself? It no longer serves me, I know this but continue to do it anyway.

By that I mean that I know I am loved by my friends and family, I just don’t always feel it or willing to be vulnerable enough with people to talk to them or let them see me when I’m down. I’m very good at being there for people, but it’s rare that I let people be there for me, but they’re always grateful when i do. Other people love to help me because I think it’s obvious that I try not to be helped

Anita

Thank you for your reply. I know I post with the same problems often, and to me sometimes I feel I’m being redundant, but I think it takes a reminder or reflection from outside myself to help me refocus on what it is that is really bothering me.

A month or two ago I went through a 2-3 week period of feeling really good about myself, feeling, believing, and acting as if I was a good person. Somehow that feeling faded when I tried to start be more outgoing and dating again, and the belief that I’m bad tries to take over when I’m vulnerable with people.

I think I’m beginning to understand feeling better about myself, and contentment as a process. Each time I find myself in a slump I discover something new that allows me to move toward a more balanced, compassionate, and realistic view of myself.

One of the hardest questions for myself continues to be whether or not I’m the cause of the depressive episodes I experience. If I’m understanding correctly I am not the cause. The cause is still this belief that I somehow don’t deserve to be loved by others, or even myself.

I still don’t understand why I miss people who mistreated me the most, always asking myself what I could’ve done differently to have kept them around. Is it me trying to help them? Or is it a continuing addiction to self harm that serves as an escape from a lonely reality I don’t want to face? That reality being that I deserve love, respect, honesty. I don’t know exactly why I keep choosing to hate myself when I don’t have to.

Anita

Thank you for being a source of care in my life whenever I need it, and challenging me.

I woke up this morning and cried alot thinking about the woman i met this time last year who ended up lying and cheating on me, because i am going on a camping trip to the same Forrest i visited with her which was also the day before i found out she had been lying. I have been thinking about this alot and ill spare you the details but ultimately im upset with myself for still missing her and wanting to care for her, because i know she is exactly what i DON’T need in my life, i dont need to be trying to save people. I did meet a woman a couple weeks ago and quickly cut it off after i realized i was attracted to her pain as she just got out of an abusive relationship. I cried for her too as i somehow felt like i was abandoning her and should have tried to help. The irony is that i met another woman that same week who im still seeing who is confident and independent yet she doesn’t give me the same feeling as someone in need, i’m even more physically attracted to her too, yet it doesn’t feel “right”

Im so tired of myself right now. Trying to find my wholeness in another person. Continuing to be attracted to the most wounded people. Wanting someone to be dependent on me so I can have a false sense of safety. I’m disgusted with myself.

I take seriously every critique you offer me, and I have been trying to become more aware as you suggest. I’ve really been trying to pay attention to what attracts/excites me, and it is 100% pain. I’m almost exclusively attracted to pain. No surprise given my childhood. What i’m struggling most with right now is trying to figure out how to change this and be attracted to health in others and myself. Also how to accept and love myself because i think this is still a problem for me as I try to heal others pain in hopes that i will receive love from them. I have been meditating, and journaling again for the past few weeks as an attempt to heighten my awareness though nothing is really jumping out at me as to what i need to change.

I’ve also been questioning if maybe my troubles continue because of a lack of self acceptance and patience. I wonder if posting on here, or trying so hard to find wholeness is actually working against me because it means i’m trying to eliminate a part of myself that will always be there, instead of treating myself with compassion while continuing to try to work on this stuff. I tend to get angry with myself for not being more compassionate towards myself.

Thank you for reading this, I know It seems like I’m not learning sometimes but I promise i am trying with all of this, im so tired of looking outside myself for answers and love.

I understand there are certainly patterns that have been present since childhood. But I don’t know what to do to resolve the situation with my parents anymore than i already have? I don’t talk to them hardly at all. I might check in with them a couple times per month just to say I’m alive, but I don’t take care of my mom in any way, and I don’t talk to my dad nearly at all unless I’m borrowing a tool.

My depression at least subjectively feels like it’s present because I don’t like myself, and I don’t have any hope for anything changing, I’ve been on this hamster wheel of self hatred for years, and it’s hard to try to convince myself I’m worthy when no one is willing to be close to me.

I hear you. I acknowledge that none of the things im saying are anything new. I just don’t know what to do about my getting my needs met that involve other people. I’m so sick of myself.

I think I just need attention at this point. I don’t get to really explain my feelings to anyone. Theres never enough time in therapy sessions, and a lot of it is spent discussing my role as a learning therapist. I just need some relief from the pain.