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Being better at accepting depression

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 542 total)
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  • #225683
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    Got to start or restart your healing process. Can’t bypass it. Got to resolve your relationships with your parents as part of this process. How can your anger subside if nothing changes in your relationships with them, nothing that is significant has changed, that is.

    anita

    #225741
    noname
    Participant

    I don’t feel angry right now. My relationship with my parents doesent feel like the problem right now. The problem is I’m not motivated to get out of bed, I’m oversleeping, I’m having suicidal thoughts, I’m not eating, I’m lonely and don’t know what to do to motivate myself to even want to keep trying at life. I need some kind of carrot to chase, I don’t have anything to look forward to. I’m really not seeing what this has to do with me barely being in contact with my parents.

    #225777
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    I know you want “some kind of carrot to chase” but I am not into providing carrots. I am into looking for the real causes and real solutions. I suppose a carrot for you would mean a kind and attractive young woman. You know I can’t provide you with that! Besides, that would be a short term solution unless this young woman would be so exceptionally loving and understanding, so persistent and strong, that she will provide you with the safety and support that you need to .. look for the real causes and real solutions.

    “My relationship with my parents doesn’t feel like the problem right now”- it doesn’t feel like it is, but it is. It always has been. And it will continue to be until and unless you resolve it.

    anita

     

    #225885
    noname
    Participant

    I understand there are certainly patterns that have been present since childhood. But I don’t know what to do to resolve the situation with my parents anymore than i already have? I don’t talk to them hardly at all. I might check in with them a couple times per month just to say I’m alive, but I don’t take care of my mom in any way, and I don’t talk to my dad nearly at all unless I’m borrowing a tool.

    My depression at least subjectively feels like it’s present because I don’t like myself, and I don’t have any hope for anything changing, I’ve been on this hamster wheel of self hatred for years, and it’s hard to try to convince myself I’m worthy when no one is willing to be close to me.

    #225887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    I wish there was a way for me to un-depress you, to undo your depression somehow. Even if I was in your physical presence I wouldn’t be able to undo your depression. And so, I am helpless in this regard. I know what I know as I observe the rules of nature. I don’t make up those rules and I can’t change them. So  I point out what I see and that is all I can do.

    What I know, the rules, is that a child does not develop in a vacuum. A child  is one mental unit with the parent or parents. What you believe about yourself and about others is determined in the context of that one unit. The solution or resolution of false core beliefs and dysfunctional life that originates in childhood is in revisiting that one mental unit and making changes.

    It may be changes so small that you didn’t so far consider those as making any difference.

    Hope is not in “Being better at accepting depression”, but being better at accepting reality.

    anita

    #226027
    noname
    Participant

    I’m beginning to believe I’ve trapped myself in some kind of bind in my thinking. As Monday begins I realize I’d rather just lay in bed instead of going to work. I’ve been in the house since Friday only leaving to get food so I don’t think another day of lying around is going to help anything. It makes no sense to me how my mood changed from confident and accepting of myself back to self hatred seemingly overnight a couple of weeks ago. It could be because I started “trying” to find dates again which almost always kills my self worth but being without a partner my entire life just to avoid negative beliefs about myself from surfacing doesn’t seem like much of a solution either. The worst part is of the two dates I’ve been on in the past couple weeks both of the women took a liking towards me, but I didn’t towards them, this happens frequently. I think this left me believing that I what I want I’ll never find and what I don’t want is abundant. I tell myself I can’t get what I want because I’m not attractive, not smart enough, not entertaining, not talented etc. My despair always comes back to me hating myself for various reasons. I feel as if whatever decision I make no matter how much I labor over it will always be the wrong decision.

    I’m not sure what this has to do with my current relationship with my parents because I barely talk to them, but growing up I was taught not to trust myself, low self confidence and so forth. Not new information, but this time feels more difficult for me to see options for healing as there’s not some obvious external relationship keeping me down, just my own relationship with myself.

    #226033
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    We forget how things were so long ago when we were young children. Having all your years of history with your parents and having adjusted over the years to pain by feeling numb, we forget how raw it felt then. We don’t know that this rawness still exists right under the unaware surface, fueling our current despair.

    Early on, there was no such thing, for you, as “my own relationship with myself”, there was no self that was separate from the parent most dominant in your life. And that relationship, what was it?

    You wrote: “I tell myself I can’t get what I want because I’m not attractive, not smart enough, not entertaining.. My despair always comes back to me hating myself.. no matter how much I labor over it will always be the wrong decision”-

    As a child your mother was depressed and left you alone, hour after hour, day after day, year after year. So many, many times you tried to be attractive enough, smart enough, entertaining enough to win her attention, her loving attention, and you failed again and again and again. You concluded, not that she was an unloving mother (unconceivable for a child), but that you were not attractive, not smart, not entertaining. You turned your anger toward yourself and your despair was intense then and ever since.

    I will soon look at your posts earlier for more evidence of the above and add a few more thoughts.

    anita

     

    #226037
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    April 25, 2017, you wrote: “I have talked with my parents about our family dynamic growing up, and they both acknowledged that they may have put too much pressure on me as a child and neglected my emotional health in various ways. I forgave them and I feel they are doing the best they could”.

    What you wrote April 25 make it seem like the issue with your parents has been resolved: you talked with them about “dynamics” (an academic term), they acknowledged, and you forgave. Issue solved and resolved in a nice, neat and tidy resolution package.

    But not so. On that same day, April 25, you continued: “sometimes I do find myself not wanting to open up to my mom because she tends to start to tell me about her problems”-

    see, the “dynamics” continue in the present, then and still, from your posting not long ago. Thing is you are numb to these dynamics. But these dynamics keep alive that despair right under the surface of your awareness, and they keep fueling your relationship dysfunction.

    This is what you wrote  March 16, 2017 (all your words only I am deleting some in between words): “Growing up my mom was very depressed. trying to keep my mom happy was a very exhausting task. women tends to trigger my ‘scared little boy’ tactics to obtain love and safety”.

    You are still this “scared little boy”. You are also an angry little boy.

    What can I say further, noname? You keep paying the heavy price of remaining removed from awareness.

    anita

     

    #229371
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for being a source of care in my life whenever I need it, and challenging me.

    I woke up this morning and cried alot thinking about the woman i met this time last year who ended up lying and cheating on me, because i am going on a camping trip to the same Forrest i visited with her which was also the day before i found out she had been lying. I have been thinking about this alot and ill spare you the details but ultimately im upset with myself for still missing her and wanting to care for her, because i know she is exactly what i DON’T need in my life, i dont need to be trying to save people. I did meet a woman a couple weeks ago and quickly cut it off after i realized i was attracted to her pain as she just got out of an abusive relationship. I cried for her too as i somehow felt like i was abandoning her and should have tried to help. The irony is that i met another woman that same week who im still seeing who is confident and independent yet she doesn’t give me the same feeling as someone in need, i’m even more physically attracted to her too, yet it doesn’t feel “right”

    Im so tired of myself right now. Trying to find my wholeness in another person. Continuing to be attracted to the most wounded people. Wanting someone to be dependent on me so I can have a false sense of safety. I’m disgusted with myself.

    I take seriously every critique you offer me, and I have been trying to become more aware as you suggest. I’ve really been trying to pay attention to what attracts/excites me, and it is 100% pain. I’m almost exclusively attracted to pain. No surprise given my childhood. What i’m struggling most with right now is trying to figure out how to change this and be attracted to health in others and myself. Also how to accept and love myself because i think this is still a problem for me as I try to heal others pain in hopes that i will receive love from them. I have been meditating, and journaling again for the past few weeks as an attempt to heighten my awareness though nothing is really jumping out at me as to what i need to change.

    I’ve also been questioning if maybe my troubles continue because of a lack of self acceptance and patience. I wonder if posting on here, or trying so hard to find wholeness is actually working against me because it means i’m trying to eliminate a part of myself that will always be there, instead of treating myself with compassion while continuing to try to work on this stuff. I tend to get angry with myself for not being more compassionate towards myself.

    Thank you for reading this, I know It seems like I’m not learning sometimes but I promise i am trying with all of this, im so tired of looking outside myself for answers and love.

    #229385
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    You are welcome. I didn’t understand what part of yourself you are referring to here: “I wonder if posting on here, or trying so hard to find wholeness is actually working against me because it means I’m trying to eliminate a part of myself that will always be there“?

    anita

    #229411
    noname
    Participant

    Im referring to the part of myself that is a perfectionist and always trying to improve or fix myself as if i’m somehow broken. Sometimes i wonder if trying too hard to fix myself is actually the problem, or if there is even a problem at all. It’s very frustrating constantly criticizing my every thought and action. Does that make more sense?

    #229415
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    Yes, it makes sense. You are trying to fix yourself because you believe you are broken, that there is something very faulty with your very being, born that way. It is a core belief formed long ago.

    Healing would happen when you begin to realize that you were not born broken or faulty, that there was nothing wrong with you. Then you were emotionally harmed and what you now consider inherent faults are the consequences of that harm.

    When you believe the faults are something you are responsible for, something you kind of.. chose, or came up with, then you get angry at yourself and empathy for yourself is not possible. But when you believe you are not responsible for those faults, that you were a child victim of your parents and of circumstances, then you can attend to healing with self empathy.

    Can’t heal without empathy for yourself, simply impossible.

    anita

    #229709
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your reply. I know I post with the same problems often, and to me sometimes I feel I’m being redundant, but I think it takes a reminder or reflection from outside myself to help me refocus on what it is that is really bothering me.

    A month or two ago I went through a 2-3 week period of feeling really good about myself, feeling, believing, and acting as if I was a good person. Somehow that feeling faded when I tried to start be more outgoing and dating again, and the belief that I’m bad tries to take over when I’m vulnerable with people.

    I think I’m beginning to understand feeling better about myself, and contentment as a process. Each time I find myself in a slump I discover something new that allows me to move toward a more balanced, compassionate, and realistic view of myself.

    One of the hardest questions for myself continues to be whether or not I’m the cause of the depressive episodes I experience. If I’m understanding correctly I am not the cause. The cause is still this belief that I somehow don’t deserve to be loved by others, or even myself.

    I still don’t understand why I miss people who mistreated me the most, always asking myself what I could’ve done differently to have kept them around. Is it me trying to help them? Or is it a continuing addiction to self harm that serves as an escape from a lonely reality I don’t want to face? That reality being that I deserve love, respect, honesty. I don’t know exactly why I keep choosing to hate myself when I don’t have to.

     

    #229745
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear noname:

    Don’t worry about being redundant here, repeating yourself. I am okay with it. Here is my point today: if it was possible for you to feel happy from now on and forever more, I’d be all for it. If it was possible for me, I would make it happen for myself! Thing is, you’ve been miserable too often, for too long. And so, I see the title of your thread, this very morning as I look at it, as making more sense than ever before: “being better at accepting depression”.

    The sadness, depression, it is going to be part of your life for a long time to come. Expect it. Accept it and expect it as you work on healing. It will be a long time before you experience less of it on an ongoing basis. And so, when you feel better, don’t get your hopes so high that you expect to not experience the depression again. And do not get alarmed when you do.

    Yes, “The cause (for your depression) is still this belief that I somehow don’t deserve to be loved by others, or even myself”- It is depressing and frustrating beyond belief to be stuck being a person undeserving. It is enraging too.

    “I still don’t understand why I miss people who mistreated me the most”- because you felt some love sometimes with the people who mistreated you and you want the love back.

    “always asking myself what I could’ve done differently to have kept them around. Is it me trying to help them? Or is it a continuing addiction to self harm..”- this is you overthinking while the fundamental thought in the base of the overthinking is a distorted thought.

    All the overthinking gets you nowhere good because underneath that building of overthinking, the base is flawed so the building keeps collapsing. It happens over and over again.

    The distorted thought, simplified perhaps, is that there was/ is something wrong with young noname and that something-wr0ng was the cause of your mother’s depression.

    anita

    #229871
    noname
    Participant

    Anita

    Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

    Again I find your guidance to be exactly what I need to hear. I appreciate your patience with me more than anything. We have had this same discussion about my core belief of being defective, or bad many many times now. Not too many people have ever been patient enough with me to explore all the symptomatic tangents my mind goes on to bring my focus back to the cause of my pain.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about how you said i’m paying the price for being removed from awareness. I think that statement is true because in this latest depressive episode i barely cried at all, i was more numb than anything. A sign to me that I am disconnected from myself. I don’t really know whats going on sometimes, why i get depressed out of what seems nowhere, in these episodes i feel very numb and I believe it’s my mind/body’s pattern of trying to protect me from being open to the possibility of harm. However, I know i can do better than being numb. Sometimes i want to cry.

    The last crying episode i had saturday morning allowed me to realize im still holding on scraps of love in the past. Even though i am loved right now, i feel as if i can never have enough. I’ve been trying to be more open to the idea of transient love in my life, that people may not always be accessible to me, to let go some and stop trying to hold people so tightly to make sure they are around for ever which is impossible.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by noname.
Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 542 total)

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