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I just wanted to check in to say I’m doing well right now. I can say I am doing significantly better than when I started this thread, feeling more confident than ever. I even performed my music in front of an audience for the first time this past weekend, and didn’t feel afraid to share some of myself with strangers.
I feel for the first time in my life that I love myself. And It feels really good to know no matter what is going on in my life I won’t be getting in my own way as much and I’m keeping my own best interest in mind in every decision I make. I no longer feel as if I’m out to sabatoge myself. I feel attractive and easy to talk to because I radiate authenticity and truth. Although I still have work to do in being true to myself I believe.If there’s anything I’m struggling with right mow it’s still being without sex or a partner. However, I’m not panicking in the absence of intimacy as I have in the past, and I think it has a lot to do with actually liking myself. Before when I disliked myself, the panic to find some kind of love and approval felt unbearable, as If I was separated from the pack and left to die. Now I think because I have made it a point to be even more open with friends and ask for care when I need it, I’m not panicking as much because I know having a partner is not the only way to get my need for emotional intimacy met. Of course sex+emotional intimacy would be amazing, and I believe it may even be there for me one day, but I’ve accepted that it may come and go and that’s actually more comforting to me than thinking it’s something I have to go find and hold on tightly or take some active role in acquiring, when i try too much I get exhausted easily.
I thought I’d just check in and let you know things are okay right now, and I’m in my last year of school now so that’s exciting for me too.
”that core belief I have that I’m a bad person” Less misery is the result. The belief of being worthless is tightly connected to the belief that you are bad, unworthy of the good things in life.
I see this in myself very much I feel “bad” when I smoke too often, and I smoke most when I feel worthless. I feel “bad” because I’m supposed to be a role model in my career and I’m not all the way together, or rather I haven’t developed the capacity to empathize with myself so that I wouldn’t have to escape from the feelings of worthlessness by smoking. You wrote to me “You feel unworthy even though you are worthy” lately I have been seeing the worth of others to me which led me to thinking that I must be worthy because in the buddhist since we (people) are not separate, we are one. By this logic if I’m able to see anyone else as worthy I should be able to see myself as worthy, of course it hasn’t been as simple as telling myself that but I feel my capacity to see the good in others even in their difficult moments is a trait of healer, a person who uplifts others, a worthy person in my eyes.In regards to helping and feeling worthy “doesn’t always suggests that sometimes helping other does the trick” this has been more true to me this week than ever as I have had to terminate with clients and they gave me the gift of witnessing them in their rawest moments, some expressing they have never had someone open them up so quickly or even at all. (I’m in tears as I write this section) They allowed me to learn about myself and prompted me to do better in my work on myself which I am deeply grateful for. They weren’t obligated to let me know they think I’m doing good by them, and as a professional it’s really none of my business either, I let each one of my clients know what I have been getting out of the helping relationship with them as I terminate, as they too needed to know they are worthy as they see me. I have cried a lot the past two days as I had to terminate with such beautiful souls, particularly a young girl who was caring for her mother the same way I did, she was carrying her mothers pain, and thanks to this thread I was able to articulate this to her and have her understand her mothers happiness is not her responsibility. It was really hard doing this as I will likely never see this person again and all I can hope for is that she got the message that she is the child. In that moment seeing this dynamic outside my so called “self” made me realize the following you wrote could not be more true ““I see (mother) as a person who plays the role of victim. Which I think can be manipulative”. Her repeated, ongoing, lifetime message in playing victim is that she deserves empathy, not you.” Also this “as a child you had no one to rely on and had to be the one your mother relied on”
When I got home I cried many tears for this young woman, and myself as Its starting to make sense to me on a emotional/feelings level. It took the bravery of that little girl to cry with me and leave my office and put on a tough face for her mom for me to realize I’ve been doing the same thing for 26 years. For that I am grateful for her honesty with me.I got angry today at work again but before I reacted too strongly I thought back to this thread and these words “it will take pausing before automatically reacting” I am glad I did not cuss at the director(also a professor) of the center over the phone, as we had a crisis situation that I was supposed to escalate to her, but she had left the center even though I am unlicensed and not supposed to be practicing alone, for which she will get in trouble for. I let her know that this was unacceptable, as she endangered my career, Her career, and potentially someones life, by not doing her job. I am glad I am moving from this internship site now. However this gave me an opportunity to work on my anger having thought back to this that you wrote “Problem is our feelings are very convincing, and if it wasn’t for the severe injury in childhood, your feelings would have been trustworthy, indicating the truth.” My feelings in this moment were in congruence with truth and I’m just glad I was able to collect myself and continue working after this, and not feel ashamed for expressing my anger, because I was firm with her about my disappointment but not disrespectful.
Im still struggling with sleep, last night I barely made it 3.5hrs total, I continue to be plagued by thoughts of needing a woman, and wanting that feeling of safety and belonging, I want this way more than sex, and I will also take your advice of “minimize the risk by taking the time to get to know a woman well enough before becoming involved with her” something I’ve honestly never done the longest I’ve gone is 3weeks before having sex with someone, not enough time in my opinion. Its going to take some persistence and understanding of what I really need to overcome this in the future. I still have a hard time believing/accepting this “What you need is there for you, available.” And I think thats because I don’t feel worthy of a woman’s love still, I don’t feel like it would be possible, I know this isn’t true and I’m happy that I have more female friends who have helped me see women in a more compassionate way, and not much different from myself (because of the oneness of humanity) However I see this clearly “When you are able and willing to see that your mother didn’t love you and cheated you out of ..you, then you will be able to not see your mother in every other woman.” Because I have absolutely been attracted to unhappy women to the point where I really want to get this need met, but don’t trust myself enough to meet it without dating my mom again. It has been difficult to spend so much time in solitude without falling into those feelings of worthlessness. Although I would like to think this period in my life of the past 3 years spending only a total 10 months in relationships with a woman will help me learn something somehow.
I just want to thank you again Anita I know can be excessive with the thanks at times, but as a fellow helper and healer in training I know how rare that thanks can be. You are making a positive impact on my life, with just your words and I don’t want you to go unappreciated for that, because when you help me, you are helping me develop the capacity to help others, therefore you are helping so many more people than just I
Thank you for reading my post and your wishes for me.
I hope this thread hasn’t become too repetitive, something i struggle with alot in therapy too, feeling as if i come in with the same problem and i don’t go anywhere with it, or as if i’m being disrespectful somehow by not always acting on your suggestions, not healing fast enough despite having help. my therapist tells me all the time progress and healing is not linear but receiving this much empathy and attention feels very uncomfortable to me. I’m beginning to feel like a burden to you even though you’ve given no such indication. Again, i know that’s my childhood pain relived, but i just dont always know what to do about it, empathizing with myself continues to be a difficult task.
I too feel worth doing for the benefit of others. Tonight i’m cooking for friends because one just graduated college, my friends girlfriend just bough a house, and my other friend shes just been good to me this past month, so i thought an act of gratitude for them would be a nice thing to do. I think i have to remind myself that i am a useful friend from time to time just so i don’t fall into those feelings of worthlessness, this is why i help so much. But as we’ve discussed before helping others doesn’t always do the trick for me either.
I hate that i place so much value on physical touch, but it hurts not to be touched and openly held but a few times a year at most. I never know when any relief is coming my way. And since i quit smoking the urge is even worse i cant easily suppress my attraction to women like before and i dont want to “hit on” anyone out of fear of being disrespectful, online dating is a complete fail for me, and being a black male im very cautious about even looking at a woman at all out of fear of being called out for harassment. I feel getting my physical needs met is hopeless. So if you have any suggestions on how to live without affection or physical intimacy i would appreciate it. I tried telling myself, that one day the pain will stop when im dead, but it’s uncomfortable trying to cope between now and death. (im not saying or implying im suicidal)
Anita,
I have never even considered that I judge my progress based on my feelings, until now. I think there is certainly a part of me that still believes constant happiness=good mental health. Going back to how i intellectualize, even though i know happiness like any other emotion will come and go, my feeling is still one that if i’m not happy that means i’m bad. Seeing that last sentence written down just now i was able to make a direct connection to my fathers words (“its your job to take care of your mother”) and that core belief i have that i’m a bad person. You continue to reveal traits about myself that are so obvious i don’t even notice them.
I think i struggle the most with this self-evaluation that im bad connected to anger right now. First of all i was never allowed to get angry growing up, all the anger in the house was reserved for my dad. If i ever got angry he made it a point to show me exactly how much angrier he was that i was angry and he also set a great example of how not to express it. What this means for me now is i’m uncomfortable with feeling angry, and think it means i’m a bad person.
Perfect example was the text message exchange i had with this woman yesterday who stiffed me. After she told me she made other plans, i instantly became angry. I thought back to this thread and trying to communicate my feelings in a more respectable way, but i feel like i failed that. At first i said “im disappointed. but whatever.” then she says maybe we could hangout later in the night for which i responded “f**k that. 2 hours ago you said you were down, so i cut my plans short because of that. im an actual person you know? but your a pretty girl im sure you’ll find what you want” I felt i shouldn’t have said that last sentence, and it was more of an expression of my anger towards women in general. I hate that i struggle with trusting women so much, I hate that i believe women are promiscuous, lying, opportunists. This is tainting the way i see people right now, and i have no doubt it will interfere with my career if i cant resolve this.
I continue to feel unattractive most of the time even though people tell me otherwise all the time, and as if i somehow deserve to be lied to consistently for some reason. My first serious self harm/suicide attempt was because of a girl who stiffed me when i 16. Every time this happens it makes me feel worthless and reactivates that pain, which is a reactivation of my maternal relationship. I would really like to work on this so that one day i might be able to attract and maintain a healthy relationship with a woman. I feel somehow i must keep attracting and being attracted to this same type of dishonest woman.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 