Yes we can go back to the healing plan. I think what I mean by choosing to continue to be oppressed is that I could’ve tried harder. I tell people all the time my greatest fear in life is if I felt I didn’t try hard enough. On second thought I may have not been resourced enough in the past to take on the pain that comes along with quitting smoking, or changing the communication with my parents. I feel more resourced now because of this thread, because I’m seeing my therapist on a weekly basis, because of being more open with friends, and starting to learn how to actually empathize with myself. So maybe it wasn’t the case that I was oppressing myself, just that I wasn’t well equipped to take the pain. I know the pain needs to be felt before I can heal, I just haven’t been in a place where I could handle the pain until now.

As for the healing plan, I’m willing to take the pain now. I’ve decided even when I’m able to smoke again i won’t do it unless Its a social and only a few times a month, I need to help my body learn to function properly without it, and stop being psychologically dependent on it. I should be going on a date tonight, and I’ve also decided that I won’t have sex with this person on the first night, regardless of how sexually deprived I’ve been. I think finding someone I can connect with is much more important to me right now, someone who is curious about me and not just my body.

I’m still not sleeping well between last night and the morning nap I just took I got about 3.5-4hrs.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Anita

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think I express it in that way so that people can understand the pain. I can see that you understand and that makes me feel cared for, and I don’t need to share that with you anymore since I can now see you are familiar and understanding of the pain I’m experiencing. I’m genuinely sorry I did that, I know it’s manipulative. In the past it has been the only way I’ve gotten anyone to listen and not belittle my problems.

Thank you Monica, the reality is I share the same fear that Anita has that I might harm myself. I just don’t always know whether I have enough strength to carry on. The way I look at it though for example when I go to therapy is that I don’t share the suicidal thoughts because I can’t afford to go to the hospital (no health insurance) and I can’t afford to miss any school either. So I don’t share the thoughts at all, even though I know their just thoughts, and I’ve only had intent twice in my life, the fact is someone else doesn’t know the difference. So I’m at a point where I won’t share them at all unless I have intent which I don’t right now in this moment, but I can’t realistically guarantee that I won’t ever, it kind of puts me in a spot where getting help is difficult. I suppose I could treat this thread the same way I do my therapist by not sharing unless I have intent. But over the internet it’s even harder to evaluate. However the lack of meaning in my life and suicidal thoughts go hand in hand. If I could find some meaning I wouldn’t have the need to think suicidal. I guess if I can figure out some meaning I might return. Right now I can’t see the meaning in my suffering

Maddy and Monica

Thank you both, again i know I’m not alone in feeling shame, guilt, and inadequacy. I tend to blame society too much, but we have been taught not be vulnerable with others which is really how we can feel connected and loved and less lonely. But when you think about it it serves lots of Interest groups for us to be depressed and hate ourselves (prevention of political change, pharmaceutical companies, cosmetics etc.) I do have hope for myself and kind of get stuck in my lows sometimes because it feels safe and familiar that’s the attachment piece I’m talking about. Instead of letting go or accepting it. Anita really gave me the kick in the ass I needed this morning to help me detatch from the lows by telling me to choose life or don’t post on here. A small step in the right direction, because choosing life is not familiar for me, though I have done it before I’ve never done it for me, always for others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.

Monica thank you for taking the time to read through this thread, I know we’re not alone in feeling this way. Some people just choose not to deal with it and stay miserable or pretend to be okay, but all the pain eventually comes out. My therapist told me something yesterday he said “I can guarantee you will have good times in your future and watched times as well” I just have difficulty coping in those hard times. But i know good times will come again. Problem is in the Buddhist sense I attach too strongly to both leaving my mind and spirit in chaos if that makes sense.

Anita

I made a promise to myself never to commit suicide 2 years ago. And I’ve cut once this year and before that it had been over a year. I’m getting better at accepting the acute pain is going to pass. It’s just the lingering depressive type pain that I struggle with most

I know we have been working towards this but maybe we could come up with some kind of healing plan for me based on what youve learned from me. I hate that i keep asking the same questions over and over again i feel like this thread is too long and I’m not learning and wasting you’re time.

In a lot of ways I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I get very little enjoyment out of life right now. I can’t count on anything fun exciting, or loving coming my way.

actually what i need is something just to get me through the day. This pain is becoming too much

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by noname.