One of the purposes of relationships is to heal our past so we tend to be attracted to partners that will trigger our “past” hurts hoping that because the love us they will be able to react/respond in such away to change our expectation of being hurt.  This more often then not happens subconsciously. The goal then is to make the process as conscious as possible

For example, if you have abandonment and trust issues because your father left you or some such and subconsciously you blame yourself for it you will ‘test’ your partner in that regard. Creating scenes to push your partner away with the subconscious expectation that he will leave you, (like everyone leaves you because your such a bad person…) but hope that your partner won’t leave and in this way heal your past. Unfortunately, we tend to replay the scene until we either we get it or our partner, for there own health leaves. Of course, you might pick a partner who issue is sticking around in unhealthy relationships so leaving would be the healing thing to do… but more likely you would be stuck in a codependent relationship where you are always pushing your partner away and your partner staying no matter what, and no one is happy or learns anything.

The way out of these tangled webs is ‘To know thy Self”, “Master your stories”, “Wake to your authentic self”….. Pick any wisdom tradition and the words and practices they suggest may be different but point to the same thing. Only by noticing when your setting up a scene in your story to play out and understanding why your doing it will you stop.

Hi Tannhouser

I don’t know anything about the statistics between depression, spirituality and atheism however there is indeed a lot of nonsense when it comes to talk about G_d, Religion, spiritually, humanism, even atheism… there is a lot of nonsense in the world.

Their is a fable, sorry can’t remember the details only that the lesson was to be careful about the questions you ask. There are some questions better left not being asked as once they are asked you can often find yourself falling down a “rabbit hole”

Good for you for understanding what helps and does not help you.

Dear Jenny

I agree with Anita. I’m not aware of many people who have good under standing of the  “infinite nature of love”  especially as it relates to the idea’s we have about sex, intimacy and commitment. Your husband can love his friend without having sex with her. That he feels that sex is needed in order for him to express that love suggests that his understanding of the “infinite nature of love” needs more depth.

There are those that can handle a open marriage however such a thing requires really, really, really good communicators skills on all parties evolved. My observations, few have those skills and eventually all open relationships end.

Hi Maria

You appear to be very self aware as you already know that you need to deal with your anger. Believe it or not that is a big step. The clinginess and childishness that you experience as a negative is likely linked to the anger.

Something that struck me in your post was your relationship to the concepts of forgiveness and patience. Reading between the lines it seems to me that you are making the mistake of attaching your idea of forgiveness and patience to your mother. Forgiveness does not require you to repair or engage in a relationship with the person that hurt you. Sometime ‘Love’ requires a relationship to end.

Foremost forgiveness is about and for the person who was hurt and may not even require the evolvement of the person who hurt us. Following this path of forgiveness allows us to let go and detach ourselves from the experience and find patience for ourselves. You are not your experiences, you are not your memories, you are not your past….

It is very important to note that detachment is not the same as indifference. What happened to you happened, it hurt and has influenced your experiences, you are not indifferent, and you do not have to forget. (though you may want to practice ‘forgetting’ as in not dwelling which is different’) Detachment is part of the practice of detaching the sense of self, ego, identity from our experiences and or memories. You may experience the emotion of sadness or anger when a memory pops up but ‘You’ are not your emotions. You experience emotions, you are not the emotion and in this way the emotions flow through you vice getting dammed up to a point everything burst forth in a fit of anger. Does any of that make sense?

Heal your relationship to forgiveness and you will heal yourself.

Hi Lauren

From what you have written I don’t think you are over reacting.  Its possible that he is doesn’t realise the uncomfortable situations he often places you in however that is not an excuse as it suggests he is taking your friendship for granted.

As a guy, and ashamed that I have also done something similar to a friend in the past, its also possible that a part of him likes not quite letting you go and keeping you guessing.  A kind of ego power trip thing. Either way he is not “seeing” you.

If you truly don’t have any romantic feelings for the guy, or any expectations as a friend you could try to just maintain a work relationship. Let him know you are not willing to talk about personal matters, and you may want to find someone else to car pool with.

Your story especially as it relates to the self-help movement propensity to focus one-sidedly on the positive reminds me of the story heard of a sparrow trapped in an empty grain silo.

There was enough grain and water to survive but the sparrow was stuck and wanted out. Each morning the sparrow would look up and see light shining though various cracks in the silo. Frantically the sparrow would fly towards some light coming through the crack hoping to find a way out, however they where never big enough for the sparrow to find freedom. Flying from one light to the next, at the end of the day the sparrow lay exhausted and frustrated on the floor of the silo.  One morning instead of look up the sparrow looked down and noticed air coming through a hole in the floor. Though afraid as it was very dark, the sparrow entering the hole which required going down a ways but at the bottom the tunnel started going upwards until the sparrow from itself free of the silo and out in the open air.

This has matched my experience.

The movement to improve oneself is great however its important to remember that sure it’s the tree branches and leaves that reach upwards to the light that reveals its beauty, but it is its roots that drive deep into the darkness that also bring in nutrients but more importantly stability, especially in times of bad weather.

Just one thing about the experience of purpose. I am convinced that the experience of purpose is about what you do but being seen. It is when we are ’seen’ by others and or by ourselves that we experience purpose and meaning. After a divorce it would be natural to feel that we are not seen and so feel life as lacking purpose and meaning. So in my opinion Purpose isn’t about looking upwards but downward, looking first to see ourselves and then open up to allow others to see us.

Sometimes the way out isn’t up but down.

Hi Mary

Of course our relationship to our idea and experience of love has many layers.. family , friendship,  romantic, self… Universial

The commandment to love our neighbor as ourselves, at first glance seems straight forward, yet what does it mean to love ourselves and how does that relate to how we love others. When you look at what it means to love how fortunate we are that the command was not to like our neighbor as ourselves. We can love someone we do not like, even those that who hurt us (even if that means the relationship end… and if we understand love) so much more difficult to like someone we do not love.

I feel that is what we work for in the practice, I feel that is how we love ourselves even when we don’t  always like ourselves.  In such a state of being we are “nice” because that is who we are, our authentic selves, and being authentic enough.

Just finished a book called -Touching the World A Blind Woman Two Wheels 25000 Miles – about a motorcycle road trip around the world. Everywhere they went they were told to be careful, the people in such a such nation were bad and yet they found that everywhere they went people were people just like them.

Taped to the bikes windshield was a note: What you see  depends on what you look for.  By  the end of their travels they added the word mostly, the were not blind to the reality of the road, yet at a personal level it proved true over and over. When they needed help, help was their, when they needed kindness, kindness was their. Crossing the world it was a authentic smile, a wave and good hummer more then anything helped them navigate their way through.

My experience has been the same, the car goes where the eyes go.