I love it!

If I’m reading your post correctly in the past you have allowed outer influences to determine the direction of your ‘change’ (As above so below) This Year you have awaken to the possibility of determining the path you will follow from your sense of self – as you know it to be in this moment without a pressure to change to fit in (As below so above – you become a influence to change).  Its actually a irony, or is that a paradox, that when we learn to say yes to who we are, as we are in the moment without the need to force ‘change’, that authentic change happens naturally.  I think your on your way to discovering many wondrous things.

Of course we will always be influenced by the outer word, our culture, traditions, past, memories… so don’t be discourage when those around you and events push back.  It is this very push back that will show you your path as you practice the art of loving yourself.

The ancient of Man ponders his curiosity. Questions arise as he wonders of his own significance… how time moves as sands of an hour glass, not to be grasped, but reckoned with by the moment. The focus of a single crystal houses hope, love, and the rainbow multitude of Life’s involvement. We see these things in passing we feel them as now. The Master of these sands is he who loves each crystal – Rick Cain

Happy New Year!

A song comes to mind “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?” – Avril Lavigne  No wonder your lost.  Trying not to hurt anyone so everyone gets hurt. Is it possible that a part of you likes the drama created by keeping the woman in your life a little off balance? You don’t mention how these woman might feel about this situation – its possible that there is no choice for you to make and that when they find out, and they will, both say hell no I deserve better.

This is going to sound blunt however its possible your not ready for authentic relationship. If you can’t be honest with your partner then something is wrong. Is the pain your trying to avoid is your own?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Peter.

A curtain amount of worry about the future can be helpful in deciding on what to do. The worry, or let us call it concern, shows us what we want to achieve and then perhaps the steps needed to get their… but that is only possible if you learn how to pull back your consciousness to the present. Leaving your consciousness fixated on the worry and then deciding that the future will be one of regret could create that future. Think of your consciousness as a loyal dog that needs to be trained. It will run wild if you let it, and there are times for that, however teaching it to walk beside you when called is how you will get to where you want to go.

If you think back you will see that you have handled everything that has come your way. You may not have liked having to deal with some of the stuff that came your way or some of the outcomes yet even in those cases you have handled. Perhaps there are things you may wish to have done differently… and in those you learned from, no reason for regret. There is no reason to believe that you won’t continue to handle whatever your choices lead to or don’t.

I can tell from your posts that you know what you want to do. The fear may be keeping you from making that fully conscious but you know you know. Trust yourself and go for it without regret.  Where you end up will be different then anything you imagined and as long as you follow your truth and continue to learn it will be amazing.

You are the purpose of life so wherever path you chose has purpose. Therefor the question of purpose is unskillful and will not help you decide what you ‘should’ do.

In life there is no should’s only what you do and do not do. Reading your post, you have already decided that you will regret not choosing the choice you don’t make. It is not you’re your choice that will lead to regret but your decision to experience regret in the imagined future. To make your choice based on a imagined future is unskillful.

The imagined future is keeping you from seeing the trees from the forest leaving you overwhelmed by fear. Fear is more often then not False Evidence Appearing Real. The task then is to identify the trees and focus on one issue at a time. You will find that you know what you need to do. Trust your intuition and don’t look or hold back. Your future cannot be controlled so to fear uncertainty and doubt is unskillful. Trust your deeper sense of self and doors will open… “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us… If you follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ― Joseph Campbell

We must put our confidence in truth. But that doesn’t mean sitting back, and waiting for the truth to shine from above, as one might sit back and wait for the day to break. It means following with devoted obedience the truth we have seen as true, with an entire confidence in G_d, that it will correct, clear and redirect our vision, to the perception of a freer and deeper truth. Go with the truth you have, and let it carry you into collision with the hard rocks of fact, and then you’ll learn something. – Austin Farrer

This may sound strange to you however you are just where you need to be to get to where you want to go. Part of the difficulty in realizing this is the tendency to only see the forest. In your post you have identified all the area you want to work on but when looking at them all together its not wonder your overwhelmed.

The trick to moving forward from where you are (which is the only place you can move from and will move from regardless of the direction you go) is by taking one step and then the next. I don’t mean for that to sound trite but that is a truth most people overlook because we want to leap forward to some imagined future where all is as we desire. Yet even a leap requires taking a step.

A step you could take is taking your post and breaking it down into a list of things you would like to work on. Avoid labelling them with words like impossible, never, difficult. Avoid attaching past memories and stories to the list. You will know your doing that if you tart getting lost in ‘if only’s, or should’s or could of’s. This is only a list of areas in your life you would like to improve. The next step would be to select something simple on the list that you can start to improve on and then start. (don’t start with purpose – you are purpose) Stay focused on the one step and avoid getting paralyzed from looking at too much all at once. If you can a life coach could be a great help to keep you on track. Avoid beating yourself up when you falter, and you will, (if you didn’t you wouldn’t be learning) so insure to celebrate the victories as they will come.

Change happens slowly then all at once. Your post indicates you have it within you to achieve something that you have yet to imagine.

“Follow your bliss.
If you do follow your bliss,
you put yourself on a kind of track
that has been there all the while waiting for you,
and the life you ought to be living
is the one you are living.

When you can see that,
you begin to meet people
who are in the field of your bliss,
and they will open doors to you.

Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”― Joseph Campbell

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Peter.

Thanks for sharing more of the story and I apologize for being harsh – Sometimes when I go through the relationship posts I come away wondering why we make life so difficult for ourselves.

If I read your post correctly your trapped in a relationship that you are unable to get out of and are, in this moment of time anyway, accepting that that is how it must be?

However, its this acceptance that is behind the ‘loss of faith’ in…. yourself, relationship, love, universes ‘love’, others??? Which begs the question is this acceptance or reluctant giving up to the fate’s?

You’re in a difficult position stuck in the present imagining a future that cannot be… “the most painful state of being is remembering a future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” – Kierkegaard – The only way I know of to move forward from where you are is from where you are, dealing with the immediate issues of your current relationship where you are, one step at a time. It’s the projection into the imagined future and desiring everything change all at once, that is behind much of your distress and ‘loss of faith’.  (You haven’t lost your faith or your hope though. )

Change happens slowly then all at once.

but I have been at this point so many times before and everything I do will always lead me back to it sooner or later

I think the words we use matter as well as identifying and becoming conscious of the cognitive distortions laced through out the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. (Cognitive distortions such as all or nothing thinking and projecting into the future, like everything I do will always lead me back…. You don’t know that… but you can create that)

Your post indicates that you know what you want to do and the path you want to travel however become overwhelmed. Perhaps wanting to change everything all at once and having immediate results as well as the cognitive distortions are getting in the way and leaving you overwhelmed?

I believe we create what we fear so should be careful about the story we tell ourselves. I’m not saying just think positive, bla, bla, bla… not that that’s a wrong attitude but that It takes time to get to get there. A step to getting there is to catch yourself telling a story and stop telling it, breath and let them go. You will be tempted to “fill the vacuum” with more stories but with practice you will find you don’t have to.  Focus on changing one thing, one thought, one label, one fear… at a time. Be kind to yourself.

The good news about the reality that we create what we fear is that we can also create what we hope for.