It is affecting me worse as I’m aging.  Not better

Hi Shawn

When I was young I moved 5 times in 12 years and today I’m terrified about the prospect of having to move. I wonder how my young self ever managed to handle all the uncertainty and where that person is now.   What changed?  A loss of innocence? Sure. More experience/memories of how things can go wrong, Yes. Perhaps there is another way to look at it. If History is the best predictor of the future. Whatever was faced was handled even the stuff I didn’t see coming or prepared for… nothing has changed…

In the morning after completing a night compass navigation challenge through woods I retraced the path we took. There was no path, just dense woods and thickets. A route I would never have taken in day light. I wonder how I made it through. Sometimes is better not knowing and just doing what needs to be done.

A master told his students a story about a monk who built a raft to cross a river.  After crossing the monk strapped the raft to his back carried it around with him where ever he went. The next obstacle this monk faced was deep canyon. In stead of unstrapping the raft from his back and using the rope to lower himself down he attempts to climb down with the raft tied to his back wondering why its so difficult… Life changes. Most of our coping methods are created by the age of 10 and we expect them to work for us when were 50, surprised and depressed when they don’t. It takes intentional effort to notice the “raft” we carry, untie it, break it down, discarding what is no longer useful.

Reading your posts, it clear that you have handled everything that has come your way. Sure, some things you might have done differently, or wished you would not have had to face, but you handled them just the same. You will handle whatever comes you way now.

The fear and doubt you have about this this uncertain stage of life you are entering is understandable but does not hold you back. In fact this uncertainty is a door to a path you might never  have imagined yourself taking and doing so surprising yourself.

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” ― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

Open the door.

Perhaps its a matter of semantics and perceptive – how we direct consciousness

From your perspective (a focus that discounts the experience of the moment) I might say Life does not change. We are born we die… that does not change

Yet so much can happen in between life and death… From another perspective our body literally change with each breath we take. Every breath a birth and a death. (Every breath containing the past, present and future.)

After each cycle of life and death after each cycle of spring turning to summer, turning to fall, turning to winter… The thing we call ‘I’, family, relationship, society, history changes… What has stayed the same?

You are not the same person you were as a child, you are no the same person that wrote the initial post.

Change happens slowly then all at once – we tend not to notice all the little changes until we do. There is constant change and as we change our experience of relationship changes, our experience of our job changes….

Life/Universe demands growth it cannot survive stagnation and much of that growth comes through the grace of pain. That is Life as it is.

“Every things changes and stays the same.” 🙂

Naming the problem is a good first step. However often we wish to fix something and that’s as far as it goes.

Do you want to do the work to address your shyness? Be honest with yourself. Romantic relationship as the Buddha noted opens the door to chaos… of course chaos opens the door to wonders.

“All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear,anger,love- especially love.” ― Kirsten Miller

“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”  ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” ― Chuck Palahniuk

I don’t see the epilepsy as a problem, you have learned to deal with it and anyone who you give a chance to know you will see that. The shyness on the other hand is a problem. As a shy person my self I was surprised to learn that others experience my shyness as arrogance. To protect ourselves we have learned to accommodate our shyness but from a observer lit can look like arrogance

– You don’t start conversations because you’re scared of being rejected. But some people confuse this with being unfriendly.
– You feel extremely self-conscious so you spend a lot of time and energy on your appearance. But other people confuse this with being vain.
– You can’t look someone in the eye because you’re too shy. But some people confuse this as a lack of interest.
– You give short responses because you’re anxious. But some people confuse this with thinking they are “not worthy” of your time.
-nYou adopt a defensive or “stay away” body language because you feel self-conscious. But other people confuse this with rudeness.

You can see how quickly things can go array for the shy… most of who would use such experience to reinforce their shyness. better to remain alone (how many times have you told yourself that?) I recommend finding a life coach or therapist to help overcoming you shyness and practice techniques with.

Overcoming Shyness: How to Feel More Confident

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

We all have issues when it comes to creating relationship and sometimes those issue feed off each other and ‘push each others buttons’.

One of the purposes of relationships is to create a safe environment in which to work out those issues so that each person can grow.  Being mindful, becoming the master of our stories and good communicators helps however sadly this takes time to develop… and usually don’t learn until a painful breakup. Life demands growth and if the relationship has become negative Love will require a relationship to end – the pain creating the space to do the work.

You want her back but don’t want her back. The probability is that what you want back, and the source of the pain, is the future that you imagined. A  realization that you could not make the imagined future happen. You also probably miss the sex.

“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.”― Søren Kierkegaard

I recommend the book by David Richo – How to Be an Adult in Relationships – as a helpful guide

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Peter.

Sorry to hear your still struggling with coming to terms with your experience with religion.  It is ok to reject what you have been taught without having to hold on the anger and disappointment. I apologise if I misread the feeling behind your post.

If your open to the study of language as symbols you might find that fairy tails have a great deal of wisdom. For example, the story of Cinderella changes from a story about being rescued by a prince to a story on how to work through depression.

Mindfulness allows me to notice that my thoughts don’t always determine how I act. Though I may be afraid I often act with courage in the face of that fear.  Mindfulness reveals that who ever ‘I’ am my thoughts and actions don’t necessary define me.  This creates the space where I might observe (detached) my thoughts and actions and more often then not come to a realisation that my fear is False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.).

Mindfulness reveals that Everyone, EVERYONE struggles with this fear of ‘being found out’ and fake. (Does that shock you?)  But that it is almost always false evidence, we aren’t being fake were working on our becoming, when we are trying we are doing. This realisation opens the door to compassion for ourselves and others.

You F.E.A.R. That you look like someone who doesn’t have their act together. (look like implies you know as some level that this issue is about perception and not reality) No matter how many people tell you that you look like someone who has it together you won’t believe them because you have decided that you are your thoughts.

As our thoughts are constantly changing this must be overwhelming and begs the question which thought are you?  The tendency is to pick the most negative which allows you to create what you Fear and make the false evidence real.

The good news is that if we create what we fear mindfulness allows us to create what we hope for.

If your authentic intention is to create strong relationships and not sabotage them by creating conditions that reinforce your negative thinking you might start to work on becoming more skillful and compassionate with your thoughts.

At seven it is unlikely there was any intent behind your brother’s actions and at 12 on the cusp of puberty little chance that you understood what was happening.

Now seven years latter you remember the experience and are judging your past self based on what you have learned since then about such behaviour.

One of the problems of memory is that it does not see clearly. When we bring up a memory we might picture specifics moments of the event but not what we were thinking and ‘knew’ at the time. We tend to fill in the gaps by projecting our present thinking and feelings into the past event which often messes us up.

Its important work to understand how our past might be influencing our present and apart of that is to understand how or present might be coloring our past.

The emotion we call regret is often identified as the least helpful I think because tends to lead to stuckness as we become fixated on an experience we cannot change and instead of compassion and learning from it (make amends if we were wrong, work to forgive if we where wronged) we beat ourselves up over and over and over.

In the current social climate of the ‘Me To’ and ‘Times Up’ movement it is understandable that such a memory might come up. I suspect many Men and Woman who desire real change in this area are also reflecting on past moments when they didn’t know better and feel shame and regret.  Some might experience a memory of regret/shame for not coming forward and speaking out in a moment of harassment. For others it might be regret for what they now understand was and is inappropriate actions. Perhaps a bit of both. It becomes complex. I suspect most people have memories of both.

Its interesting but one of the concerns Gautama had about teaching the path was that he knew some students would turn the process into rules that would become another ‘thing’ to attach the ego to.

The Buddha told a story of a group of people needing to cross a river.  The group builds a raft and crosses successfully. The Buddha asks the students what the group of people should do with the raft now that they are across. Do they strap the raft onto their backs and carry it around with them forever or do they leave it behind as they continue to go forth?

As you travel remember that the map is not the territory it is a guide that may and may not at times prove helpful. A teaching that works for crossing one river may not be the teaching to get one across all rivers. There will come a point where all teachings fall to the way side and we you discover your own way. This is a point were true liberation occurs the embrace of doubt and uncertainty and the freedom that unlocks.