Nirvana is not a place but a state of existence/being. I suspect it’s a state of being where one is conscious of the unconscious and thus awakened to the All. Being awakened/conscious to what you are unconscious off is of course a paradox but as the Buddha taught anything we might say or imagine about nirvana will be wrong. “Nirvana is beyond space, time, and definition, and so language is by definition inadequate to discuss it. It can only be experienced.”

I suspect that such an experience liberates a person from the suffering of the problem of opposites and cycle of birth, death and rebirth of karmic tendencies. In the present that would be freedom from repeating patterns that keep us stuck and stuck dissatisfied with life.

We work for that which no work is required – we get in our own way. I suspect that the experience expands perspective of not just a knowing but living life as it is and discovering we can say Yes to it as it is. Yes to all of life as it is and know that it is LOVE! All of it, the good the bad and the ugly (there is no good, bad or ugly). Wrap you being around that possibility of Yes and know it as Love and you start to sense everything how everything is connected. In such a state, there is no place for stress or dissatisfaction.

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” John Lennon  – I don’t intend to come off as trite however there is a great deal of truth to that.

It is understandable that you are feeling as you do as your taking on a lot in this moment and stage of life.

If possible when you start feeling this way take a breath and notice how your awareness has become fixated on fear. Try not to judge this fixation just notice. Imagine pulling back your awareness to outer perspective and from this space observe the fear. Notice that it’s the fixation and not the fear that has causing you the stress. In the past you have always dealt with the challenges that have come your way so there is no reason to believe that you won’t continue to do so.  Notice that the fears you are imagining are just that imagined. With hindsight notice how most of your fears have been False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R). Take another breath, notice that life continues and flows despite our worries. Let these moments of stress flow and doing so choosing what your awareness is directed towards.

I do know the as above so below thing and so far it hasn’t helped me in this situation. Yes you can turn around give someone you hate a hug but if the person is not worthy of it and they’re just going to use that to their advantage I say screw hugging your enemy as I’ve suffered enough.

You misunderstand the perspective of Love I’ve challenged you with as well as the riddle. Love does not require you to hug a person or blindly accept anything that they do. Far from it. Love requires that you do not pretend and hug a person you feel is unworthy. Love requires that we hold people accountable. If we do not, nothing we or they do can have meaning or purpose. Sometimes Love may even require that a personal relationship end.

You can end a relationship out of anger, fear, hate or from a place of love. The difference is where the action of ending a relationship comes from and its my opinion that the difference is very important as either choice will change who you are.

If you end a relationship out of hate you will remain tense, angry, always looking for justifications to re-fire and justify the hatred and ending.  Ending a relationship from a perspective of love there is no need for justifications, there is no need for continued engagement, no need for revenge. Its not about your sister its about who you are and hope to be.

You have a lot of hurdles to overcome in your journey of becoming your best self. Such is the hero’s Journey. You can remain fixated on the things you can’t change, envious of everyone’s else imagined good fortune, the unfairness of it all, and doing so allow outer influences to determine who you become. Or you can say enough. These are the challenges I face and I will face them, these challenges are just that challenges nothing more… I will not allow them to change me in ways I don’t wish to be changed.

What if choosing to live inauthenticity is being authentic to one self?

Maybe it comes down to perspective and where you measure such things. If you authentically accept yourself does it matter how others know or don’t know you. Sure, it may be nice to have the acceptance of those you are closest to but is it needed to be authentic?

Does choosing to come out or not to due to fear or society response make you anymore or less authentically you? Maybe its just too many labels or not the right question that has got you down

The thought of wanting to stop the world and get off is normal at times, as is wanting to die when we are stuck. Such thoughts become dangerous when we stop seeing them as our desire to change and grow and instead act on them as an end in them selves.

You appear to know your in trouble so need to talk to someone. Preferably a professional.

Friends and Family mean well however they tend are connected to how they need us to be so talk of wanting to die may/will scare them. It is so difficult to know what to say when someone we care about tells us they want to die. What if we say the wrong thing… are we responsible… maybe we might even feel angry at being put into the situation and react to that…. Best to seek professional help

My own experience on dealing with loss and how to “gain back happiness” was to understand that happiness wasn’t a something that we gained or lost but ‘a something’ that is experienced in the moment when we notice. We are surprised by joy, surprised by happiness. The key to be surprised is to remain open to possibility.  I think that is how we move forward and live life in the present moment as it is, life as it is, and find that we can say Yes to our experiences.

The following link connects to many good talks on dealing with loss http://www.crazygoodgrief.com/the-best-ted-talks-on-grief-growth/

“At the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” – T. S. Eliot quotes .

I was hoping that just maybe you would be able to avoid the exploration of the past and realize that you are already home.  (isn’t that what ended up happening after your break? You discovered that together you were home? … Yet something remains undone…)

On the face of it, it ought to be as easy as saying yes to the past as it was and move forward into the present. Instead letting go becomes  a difficult process to work though… we work for that which no work is required.

I very much relate to what your saying DP. When we become fixated on a thought or memory/past it can become a habit that we can’t look away from and so demands healing in the present.

We are broken and a function of relationships is to heal ourselves. In your situation because you can’t yet take your eyes off the “wall” (that you are afraid of crashing into) there is something that you have yet to learn so you may need to understand how the past is in the present and what to do about it.  Really do recommend the book ‘When the past is in the Present’

Other questions you may want to consider. Why can’t you take your eyes off the “wall”?  Are you afraid of being happy? Do you have a tendency to work against the things you want? Is their a past hurt your trying to heal… are you trying to push your partner away while at the same time hoping that they won’t go… recreating a past hurt in the hopes of healing it now?

I am unable to shake off her past

“In racing, they say that your car goes where your eyes go. The driver who cannot tear his eyes away from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; the driver who looks down the track as he feels his tires break free will regain control of his vehicle.”- Garth Stein

The practice is learning how to direct one’s consciousness and pull it back to the ‘still point’ when it becomes fixated on some thought or memory… especially those connected to fear and uncertainty.

If you want the relationship to continue then let the past go and focus your awareness on gratitude for the relationship you have now. It really is that straight forward.  There is no try only do… no need to torture yourself our you partner.

Recommend the book: When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships Paperback – by David Richo

We all have a tendency to transfer potent feelings, needs, expectations, and beliefs from childhood or from former relationships onto the people in our daily lives, whether they are our intimate partners, friends, or acquaintances.