Dear Anita,

I’m soo tired! I’ve just put my computer on my lap starting to write and I realise all I wanna do is take a nap. I’ve planned to go to the beach and do my workout. Might take a break today.. maybe I could actually rest. Also its soo hot already.. the only reasonable time to train is either early morning or evening. Sadly, I work most evenings and sleep most mornings:))

There are some news however! On Saturday the manager of that beach bar told me we won’t cooperate anymore. He needs someone available to work 40 hours and since I also work in the school, I can only work part time at the bar. For a couple of weeks I’ve had it – I was making a decent income and I was fully independent from my family financially ( at least on my way to be ). Then he told me the news I felt okay.. I was a little sad because I wanted to keep working and get closer to my financial goal.. but I accepted it as if things have to go this way right now. It did feel like the right thing though. So then I thought.. okay.. I still have the 10 hours a week I do for the school.. it isn’t much but its enough for me to pay for food and expenses. ( rent is still provided by my family ).

Yesterday I asked the school when do the courses and.. and to my surprise I realised they will end quite soon and I will be left without the school job as well, next month. All this time I was thinking of Warsaw.. missing being there, planning and picturing me working there, having a remote job, working in café’s etc. Also, these days I finally said it to my friends and girlfriend – I voiced my doubts about living here in Alicante. It was hard to admit that maybe this isn’t a good place for me right now and I don’t feel good here. Finally admitting it felt good and I felt much lighter.

Also on Monday my body seemed to have reacted to all the stress I’ve been lately so for the first time, I couldn’t go do my classes.. my body felt like it’s been hit by a train – horrible headache and very dense mental fog. I couldn’t do it.. I was fed up with doing those classes. So I canceled the day. I rested. Later on the headache was still there, I was still in a pretty bad state when a friend called me and told him about wanting to leave Alicante, and how I really felt here.. Next thing you know, I felt like I just woke up in the morning full of energy – although it was close to the end of the day and I’ve had a tough time. I’m thinking maybe my body is showing me this job isn’t for me.

Now.. finding out yesterday that I’ll be left without classes soon, I decided to buy myself a cheap ticket to Warsaw – for the beginning of June. I decided not to wait and get a very good price by buying one early. It’s funny because my girlfriend will be here for 8 days and she’ll be going back to Warsaw  the same day I will – but we’ll have different flights :))

These days I kept applying to all sorts of jobs there, every day. Let’s see.. maybe I get lucky and get an interview lined up  for June. If not.. I’m thinking of staying there for a bit,  a week or two with her and her mum and if I don’t yet have any work maybe go to Transylvania and spend some time ” home ”. Well that’s where I’m from and where my parents live.. but not sure it feels like home. Sometimes it does. I don’t know.. there’s something in me that wants to go there for a bit –  couple of weeks will be okay. Maybe It’ll be good.. maybe there are still things that need to be addressed. Maybe not. We’ll see. Still.. feels better than living here, paying rent out of my parent’s pocket and not really liking it.

Up until buying the ticket, I was looking forward to leave.. to go both to Poland and Romania.. but after buying it.. I started feeling some resistance. Is this a good thing? Maybe I could’ve thought about it more. It’s always like that! I still want to do it, but I observe again how I function. I feel like I’m moving on. Again. It’s good!

Thank you for creating this space – being able to be heard means so much to me!

I hope you are having a good day and I’d like you to know that whenever you’d like to share anything, I would be very happy to respond with my best insights. Now, I won’t be working out.  I’ll take a nap instead. I’ll have to do those 3 hours later on 🙁

Robi

Now.. I woke up this morning with these thoughts. Pretty interesting thoughts I’ve had for some time now.

There are 2 things I’d like to write:

1) The mask I created a long time ago 

As a kid while feeling misunderstood, lonely, suppressed and in many ways caged by my parents I created a mask. A persona If you’d like. I did everything I could to fool others I’m not shy, afraid and anxious. I was operating from a place of  very low self esteem. I had very low self worth and I was very insecure. I was bottled up and suppressed. I’ve had good reasons too. I haven’t been only suppressed by my parents but also hit by my mother and I’ve been told pretty nasty things. Things that as a kid I labeled as a threat to my safety – to my attachment to my parents. Basically survival – If I don’t act accordingly they will abandon me. There I am suppressing my authentic feelings in order to keep the attachment to my parents.

From very early age I put on a mask – I wanted to impress others, I wanted them to believe I was confident, smart, interesting, charismatic, rich, strong, good looking etc. I grew up operating form this level of programming and the moment some doors opened ( Erasmus Programme ) – I flew away. I wanted to explore, to leave it all behind. I was suffering deeply although I’ve had no idea about it. I was too unaware to be able to see and feel it. I was also too busy engaging in the coping mechanisms I’ve developed throughout the years in order to ”snooze” all the pain. Some of the old coping mechanisms ( sitting in front of the computer playing games, watching all kinds of stuff ) have been replaced by smoking weed, going out partying, getting drunk and socialising. Not saying it wasn’t fun – I have fantastic memories. But I was operating still from the level of my mask. I was again, too scared to be myself fully – I would get drunk in order to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more charismatic when I was drunk and I was often the centre of attention – which I liked a lot. I still do sometimes.

But I don’t drink anymore.. and I don’t want to spend my time that way. I don’t want to hang out with drinking buddies with whom I have nothing in common except an addiction. An addiction we all share and never talk about – the moment one isn’t drinking or not drunk enough, judgement arrises. Judgement from my so called friends – the people I spend my time with.

The mask started dissolving quite a while ago and speeded up the moment I met my girlfriend and moved to Poland in 2021. There I gradually found a different version of myself – a more accepting self. I finally understood I’m okay the way I am and I don’t need to impress anyone. Of course at times there were battles between ” the old and the new ”,  battles I still have now. I know I’ve changed a lot – I feel like I woke up, I found my wounds, uncovered them, addressed them as much as I was able, confronted my family about the traumas I still carry with me today. It has been hard as f*ck and often I regret not having the awareness earlier in life.. and I had to wait until my 30’s to really work on myself. But all this has been a process – maybe this is the way. My way – as Frank used to say.

Okay, I know… I’m again writing an unnecessarily long post. Going through it all again, helps me see it better.

NOW. I feel like Alicante has been feeding the mask. Now I feel like it doesn’t quite feed who I am today. Parts of me want to stay here because it’s cool, it’s nice, warm, many people want to live here. Often I look for reasons to stay here. Often I tell myself: ” yes, but many people want to live here.. it’s such a nice place and the quality of life etc. ”. But often I feel something in my gut which tells me there is something wrong. I don’t quite like it anymore.. its too crowded, too loud and there’s something about the spanish lifestyle that I don’t like anymore. I think it was a good place to continue operating from the level of my programming – here I acted like a successful young man – impressing others with the way I looked, talked, dressed, danced etc. But that’s not who I am anymore. And I’m thinking.. well, why not be who I am now – here in Alicante, right now. I’m sure this place hosts all kinds of people, also my kind of people. I don’t know. Maybe if my girlfriend would be here too, things would feel different.. but right now I feel lonely, away from my girlfriend, away from my family, not having friends and not really enjoying my postcard.

Now..

there’s the other thing.

2) Missing, Feeling but disconnecting after a while. 

I’ve experienced this for the last 2 and a half years since I met my girlfriend. I would feel close to her when we are together, I feel connected to her when she’s part of my life on a daily basis. We were in a long distance relationship at times and right before her or me leaving I would feel very sad – I would feel sad because we won’t see each other for a while again. For a few days, I would miss her, I would feel connected to her.  A few days would pass and I would start disconnecting from her. I wouldn’t even feel like I wanted to talk to her and often my first impulse would be to ignore her messages – I would be almost annoyed by her contacting me. At times I would think of other women too.. although I’ve never tried anything and never really wanted to.

When we meet again, it takes me a little time to ”adjust”. I would be a little distant at first, maybe for a few hours or a day.. but then slowly I would get back into my ”caring and loving mode ”. In the last 1 and a half years we weren’t apart for long so these things didn’t happen that much but now I again see it happening. Now that we only see each other every 2…3…4 weeks.

What do you think about this? I don’t know what to make of it. First thing that comes to my mind would be maybe something connected to my mother? Maybe something connected to abandonment? There’s a feeling of disappointment at times when I know we have to be apart. So maybe there’s something from the past triggering me in this way?

My mother used to take me to kindergarten every morning. We had this routine we would always do. She would wait in the parking lot until I get in the building, walk up to the first floor and go to the window facing the parking lot and wave to each other. This was important for me – I remember it being important. One day she was in a hurry and although she told me that she’s in a hurry and she doesn’t have the time to wait for me walk up those stairs.. it still hurt me very much not sticking to our routine. Not seeing her there. She told me not to get upset about it, but I did. I remember crying for a long time. I felt disappointed.

This is one story I believe might be connected to the feeling of being abandoned – a feeling I think it’s been echoing for a long time and gets triggered sometimes. Also, there are other not so nice stories – like being told by my mother that If I don’t act accordingly I’ll be sent to foster care. Or waking up in a caravan on my own thinking that my parents abandoned me.

So.. I don’t know what’s going on. Why do I disconnect like this? Am I protecting myself from getting hurt? Am I trying to protect myself from missing someone?

Writing all these down made me so tired – although I wrote it all down while having a big cup of coffee. Thank you for reading my stories. I appreciate your time a lot 🙂 Thank you!

Robi

Dear Anita, thank you for your reply! 🙂

I’ve read your reply 2 days ago and I kept thinking about what you said. Not sure about committing to stay here until the end of the year – to me it feels like such a long time. These days I kept missing Warsaw and I kept thinking about going back there. I feel like I miss the way I used to live ( although there were some problems then too ). Having an online job made everything easier for me then and I was able to move from here to Poland and to go from Poland to my country as often as I wanted. I really liked that and now that I’m having these 2 jobs I see how much they limit my mobility. That’s okay.. I guess I knew that. But I don’t like it at all.

Also.. very often me being here feels wrong. I feel like Alicante had it’s purpose a while ago but now I’ve moved on.. I don’t seem to feel good here. I used to like the big crowds and head but now, not really. I do enjoy the workouts on the beach – that’s one thing I do here and enjoy but anything else, for the last 2 months didn’t feel right. I don’t know. Also I noticed lately, I get headaches every time I do my classes in the school. With no exception, every time I’m heading there ( before the classes ) I get a slight headache – which gets worse during my classes. This doesn’t happen when I work in the bar – although I’m basically in the sun for 8 hours running jumping around like Rocky Balboa.

My girlfriend would like me to go back to Warsaw.. although she prefers not to say anything – she always encourages me to do as I feel. She’s running her own business there and lately it started getting better and better so leaving her business there and coming here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do right now. ( at least from a financial point of view )

I thought this place would work really well for us but lately I’m not sure about it at all.. and neither is she. These last days I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs in Warsaw ( mostly remote and things I could do from the comforts of café’s – that I really enjoyed in the past and I miss it ).  Let’s see if there will be any offers – then maybe I can weigh things and see what makes more sense. It wouldn’t make sense for me anyways to leave both my jobs here and move to Warsaw having no job. For now I’ll keep doing what I was doing but I see that a change needs to come – wether a change of my attitude towards the present circumstances or eventually a change of location / job.

Now I’m having a cup of coffee before my classes. I’ll only do 2 hours today but It usually takes all my energy. Maybe I’ll write a little more later – but very often after 3 or even 2 hours of teaching I get so tired that I just don’t have the resources. Whenever I have those headaches I feel like my body is telling me something. Might be the case..

Anyways, gotta go now – put my polo shirt on and look like a teacher.

Talk to you later 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

It’s been a while. I again kept wanting to write but I was either too short on time or too overwhelmed. I guess I’m not used to be this busy anymore. I hope all is good with you and you’ve enjoyed the Easter time 🙂 Mine wasn’t as relaxing and festive as I imagined it. I guess things are hardly ever the way we expect them to be. I’ve been living in Spain and working now for one month – 4 weeks of everything. The first week I’ve worked 8 hours instead of the expected 3, the second week I’ve worked 14, the third week I’ve worked 12 due to some holiday and last week I’ve only worked until Wednesday due to the Easter break. I’ve been on holiday since Wednesday and I’m going to be free until Sunday! Damn I felt like I needed it..

I’m now writing from a cafe in the centre of Warsaw – I came here on Friday to spend the Easter holidays with my girlfriend. What a fast month this has been.. such contrast being again back here. I feel like many things have changed and I’ve made a big step outside the circle I was used to. I feel like I’ve been pushed forward by the forces of the universe and everything related to Warsaw seems to have happened ages ago, although it has only been one month. This is great though! I stepped out of my comfort zone and again realised there isn’t much to be worried about. Actually, there’s nothing to be worried about. The only truly worrying situation was the one I was in – not taking action and not fully trusting myself. Almost sounds like a cliché – a bumper sticker I might one day stick to the bottom of my car.

I understand why I wouldn’t trust myself. I disconnected from myself a long time ago and I guess I’ve treated myself the same way I would treat someone who hasn’t returned my calls for years – also the same way I’ve treated my parents, I didn’t trust them either. I switched myself off in favour of a more ”environmental friendly” version –  a version that would adapt to his environment – to his parents, teachers friends etc. A version that carried me through my childhood, teens and 20’s. Now in my 30’s I see this version collapsing. Finally!

Now, there are a few issues. Growing is great! I feel empowered and I seem to deal with my work life a lot better than I did before! Having a job, a schedule and the opportunity to explain sh*t to other people is great! – because I get to learn a lot about social dynamics / working with different kinds of people from all walks of life. ( private school has mostly adults ) The thing is.. I don’t really like being an English teacher. I think I like teaching.. I like explaining sh*t to people – I just don’t like teaching English. It doesn’t really mean anything to me. After second week already the feeling of anxiety and impostor syndrome have been replaced by a feeling of selling myself too short. I feel like I’m working for peanuts. And for the most part, I guess that’s a very accurate way to describe my job. I gotta prepare the classes, know my sh*t well and manage groups of students who have different levels. All this leaves me very, very tired at the end of every class. I also have to fill in a lot of paperwork and do quite a few things in my free time. At the end of the month I’ve only managed to get half of what I would consider a decent salary. Okay.. I haven’t really worked the full month because they gradually gave more classes.. but still. It’s funny how I jumped from being so anxious to feeling undervalued. But I’m glad I did! Now, I’m not going to quit my job.. but I’m now thinking of better options. There’s something burning inside of me! There’s a part of me that keeps telling me I can do a lot better and I want to listen to my inner voice. I was so glad to have this 10 days holiday so I can zoom out and do some thinking. Today seems to be the first day I’m able to do that.. I’ve been on holiday for almost a week now.. I don’t really know what happened but after working those 4 weeks I’ve felt so tired every day and I couldn’t really connect to myself and focus on my usual introspections. My brain was filled with fog and I almost felt like I don’t have the cognitive capacity to achieve anything. By the way, I also feel like this before every full / new moon or some astrological events. I’m one of those who seems to react very deeply to what’s going on out there. But maybe let’s not dive into that.

Maybe I just needed a few days to rest. Could be because I’m not used to having a schedule / work with people etc. Could also be because I don’t like what I do and that takes a lot of my energy. Maybe it’s the moon. Or maybe all of the above. Either way, here I am now introspecting and writing it down. I needed this so much. I needed to zoom out but also zoom in.

Now I feel like I want to learn more about honouring my authentic self. Although I am very grateful for now having a job, for having moved on and for my newly expanded awareness, still, I feel like I need to expand more. I believe that every human being has its gifts. Some discover them at an early stage and grow in tune with their life purpose – very often not even knowing it. I am tempted to say I wish I was one of them.. but something in me doesn’t want me saying it. Some find out that their gifts lay exactly where their wounds are. I sometimes feel like this speaks to me. I haven’t yet found my own way of expression – my voice, my fingerprint / the way I show up in the world.

Luckily,  I know a few things:

1) Giving my energy to places and people that don’t resonate with me is no good – that just doesn’t feel right.

2) I want to have my own way of doing things. I want to serve others in my own authentic way and I don’t want to work for anyone else’s dream. I want to find mine. I’ve recently heard someone say: ” In modern society the opposite of courage isn’t cowardness, but conformity ”. – this really resonated with me. I guess I’m that kind of guy.. who doesn’t want to join the masses – I don’t feel like having some meaningless job in the corporate world chasing a newer BMW every 2 years while going bald and visiting a chiropractor every week. You know what I mean..

I feel like I need to keep growing and trusting my path and now, more than ever I feel like I have absolutely NO REASON not to. I want to learn how to better hear my inner voice and how to better focus on the things that matter right now. I want to work on my daily practice and discipline and I want to learn how to use my energy authentically. I want to be again in tune with my inner child and with the desire and vision I know I once had.

It’s funny.. because I’ve been gradually doing all those things already for quite some time – and I see the change and the great results. But I keep asking myself.. What if I become good at it? 🙂

Anita, I got a little carried away.. again. I hope my post isn’t too long for you to read. It surely feels good writing it down 🙂 I now have more clarity and I both zoomed in and zoomed out.

Thank you so much for giving me this space!

Sending you a big hug >:D<

Robi

Dear Anita,

Indeed, you are right!

I think that your anxiety is about you feeling not grown up, at 30 (“Growing up- becoming adult” is in the title of this Feb 2024 thread), not like an adult, but like a boy, alone in a new country. Children are afraid to be all alone by themselves; they are afraid that they can’t take care of themselves, as in “to get a job, get things sorted“. They need .. a grown up to get a job and sort things for them.

Part of you will need to be the grown up that the other part of you needs. Robi the adult has a scared, anxious child with him all the time, a child that needs care.

I feel this description is very accurate. Thank you 🙂

I wanted to write back here but yesterday I started the teaching job, only 3 hours on Monday and 3 hours on Wednesday for now – but still, It was a big challenge for me. Saturday and Sunday I felt quite anxious.. I would very often start crying. On Sunday I cried for a long, long time, talked to my girlfriend and went to sleep early.  It did help a lot, I think crying helped me a lot – I guess I’ve been bottling up a lot in the last months – a lot has happened. So on Monday I woke up a lot more relaxed, almost ”careless”. Although I was going to have an interview, I didn’t feel than anxious about it.. I felt quite relaxed. I felt as if something has lifted off my chest the day before. Maybe I needed to cry.. Maybe also talking to my girlfriend helped, but I feel ashamed to talk to her when I’m in a very low mood.. especially if I feel like crying. I don’t know.. maybe it’s the way we’ve been told masculinity is supposed to be like – you are not supposed to cry in front of your girlfriend, you have to be strong and stable. Well – I do it sometimes.. we both do.. we both cry when things get tough. I don’t mind her being vulnerable and I guess she doesn’t mind me being vulnerable either. We are both very sensitive human beings 🙂

Today, after yesterdays classes I feel okay.. I am a bit anxious and I feel a little like crying still.. I feel like I’m missing something. I do miss my girlfriend and I miss being with her, all though I didn’t like being in Poland. Also, I would have to learn how to structure my classes properly – which is something I don’t know how to do at all. The head teacher seems to trust me a lot giving me responsibilities I have no idea about so I feel like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. It’s quite hard.. I’ll have to learn on the go. But I want to try my best, maybe I can make it work. I don’t feel like teaching english is necessarily my kind of job.. but then again.. nothing seems to be. I think if I managed to plan my lessons well and follow the books, I might be able to do it, and it’s quite a flexible job so it might work for now, for my growth. I feel now, less anxious than before.. I feel like I can do it but I have to make sure I don’t procrastinate and put in the effort needed to plan my lessons. I think, If I do that, things might work quite well.  I have the habit of walking in the classroom with no plan at all ( because I procrastinate ), then panic because I have no plan at all and don’t know what to do. I end up improvising, doing all kinds of activities with no clear aim, avoiding teaching grammar and mostly making conversation. This is not only unprofessional but it’s also a major source of stress. I gotta work on this.

Today and tomorrow I want to focus on planning my Wednesday classes – this time I hope I’ll have the structure and make everything work better. I will have to learn on the go, but I think It’s the right thing to do right now.

As for the anxiety, I don’t know what to do. I’d like to deal with it and heal that wounded child in me. But what if I cry.. for a little bit, whenever I feel like it? Isn’t that a way of releasing some of the stress?

Have a good day Anita, take good care! 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you, you described my attachment ” programming ” very well. It does resonate quite well 🙂

Also, my therapist mencioned that to me, durring our last meeting. She told me I should read a little about attachment.

I’ll certainly do that as soon as I have a little space. I first need to cool down a little after these changes..

I wish you a nice week ahead!

Take good care,

Robi

Well, that went well 🙂

I’ve just had my first interview with this school in Alicante. Monday the 4th of March I’m going to meet them in person and from what I’ve been told so far, there will be some classes for me to take on. Won’t be enough for me to be financially independent right away, but it’s a start. I’m planning to work for more academies / have more sources of income.

I’m happy I’ve got something to go to 🙂 Friends waiting there for me –  also living with a friend for a few months. Funny enough, ”With a Little Help From my Friends” – playing now in my playlist. ( Joe Cocker ).

How are you doing these days?

Dear Anita,

Also, I just realised I haven’t fully answered you. Indeed, I haven’t mentioned the physical abuse before and it might sound strange, but I honestly thought that was considered to be ”normal”. In my country many kids were hit by their parents and It’s considered almost normal, although illegal. Only recently I started thinking more about those events, and I realised that might’ve been one of the reasons why I didn’t trust my parents and the reason why I disconnected myself from not only them, but partly the world around me. Actually I’ve always remembered those events, but didn’t think they meant anything. I was wrong, obviously. I thought that I deserved to be hit, like many other kids from my generation did. I didn’t connect the dots until recently.

As for my mother, your description is perfect. ” crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive ”. My mother always took care of others – she had to take care of her siblings so from an early age she took the role of the caregiver. Her mother wasn’t very emotionally available either, she gave her many responsibilities and didn’t give her space to be a kid. She was in a way, a kid taking care of other kids. She didn’t get a lot of support form her family and they never really had a good relationship, it was always very intense. ( what a surprise ) She suffered a lot through her childhood, married a man who’s family didn’t like her at all. He was and still is concerned with his own stuff and she again became the caregiver, the cook, cleaner. When she was 24 she had an abortion. My father didn’t want to have a kid, he thought they were too young and he was afraid of being judged by his family. Few years later, I came out. – my mother told me she had to trick my father into it. ( whatever that means…. ).

Since, she’s been through a cancer, when I was 13 and quite a few health problems. Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very ofter worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help, but I’ve tried to support her and I see that there isn’t much I can do. I tried helping her become more aware, but it doesn’t always work like that.

Writing this, gave me a better view of where my mother is, and where she came from. It’s a sad story.

Thank you, Anita!