Thank you! Good song and insight! Indeed, I felt discouraged these days already. Although I’m looking forward to get back to Spain, I very often feel like crying. Very often I start crying. I’ve always felt like this when leaving – years ago when I first left my country and every single time since. The days before, I always glorify every little thing. I would tell myself I’ll miss the most insignificant things. I very often used to say I feel anxious because I know that the next time I’ll be back there / here I will be changed – many things have happened, many experiences. Very often I would imagine.. ” who knows where I’ll be when I’m next coming here..”.

However, it does bother me… this feeling of anxiety, feeling like crying.. I used to feel like this also before my classes when I was teaching english in the past. Also knowing that I’m going back to that – I already feel the way I used to. It’s okay, this time I want to work on it and try to find my emotional balance. I feel emotionally imbalanced.

This time is also different, this time I would move away from my relationship. Although she’ll be coming to see me in 2 weeks – for 7 days, I feel like I’ll miss her. It’s a funny thing, because I always feel like I’ll miss her before I leave, or for the next 1..2 days after but after a few days I feel disconnected from her somehow. I almost get into a different mode where I’m on my own and I’m even sometimes bothered by her messages. Maybe it’s a topic for another day, there is so much going on right now. But I’ll see how things are this time. I got used to living with her here in Poland.. It’s been tough some times but still so good. She’s planning to gradually move to Spain and she’s been planting seeds over there lately.

The last days in Poland are so strange.. I feel hopeful, ready and I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Next thing you know I start crying thinking I cannot do all this – like this is too much for me to handle. Also, btw – the school manager asked me if I could already start on Monday, the day of our interview. It will be only 3 hours on Mondays – but still, a good start. ”Oh that’s great!!! I’m ON, that’s good progress. 🙂 Oh f***! That is progress indeed. How the f*** am I going to handle that?”

Well, f*** it. It’s sunny today. I guess I’m taking the kettlebell outside and do a workout.

Take good care of yourself Anita, I hope where you are is also sunny ☀️

Dear Anita,

– (1) As I read this, I thought of a book you might write and publish one day, for people of your age (and older), in your country (and in other countries) to read. You express yourself so well, and with such refreshing emotional honesty.

Thank you so much! Well, I think this topic has been already covered many times. As I mentioned before, Gabor Mate summarised all these aspects in such simple and compassionate ways that I wouldn’t even try to touch the subject. But you never know what will happen in the future.

I like what you said about my mother, you see it very well and clear. I’ve spent maybe too much thinking of these aspects that I often feel like I overly analysed the story of my childhood to the point of not living fully in the present moment anymore. Of course all of this is ( still ) necessary. Last years have been a battle between reframing my childhood experiences and making some new ones – the balance hasn’t been always easy to achieve. If ever. But I’m getting better at it.

There are some news 🙂 Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March.  New Month, New Beginning – also it was the cheapest ticket so all seemed to make sense. I was very hesitant to buy the ticket, since I don’t know if there will be work for me there, but I’d rather spent my time looking for a job there in person than sending applications from here. I’m willing to try my best to find work, this time I have to do it differently. This time I want to put more effort and avoid getting comfortable again. ( relying on my parent’s money and not working / not working enough to be fully independent ). I even recorded a video of myself today talking to the camera, telling myself how this time I’l have to change my approach. I wanted to have a video I could come back to, when I feel foggy and unmotivated. I wanted something to bring me back on my track, back OnCourse. Btw, that’s also the name of my YouTube Channel – a channel I’ve been trying to launch for a while, actually started airing in November but got hit by a missile during the latest conflict with my parents and didn’t really get back to it since. It’ll come back soon!

Now, tomorrow morning after waking up, I’ll do my yoga, meditate and have an online interview with a Language Academy in Spain. ( Alicante – if you were wondering where I’m going ). The first two are routines by now, almost autopilot. The last one isn’t. This one is a little harder to manage while feeling comfortable. I’d like to become more grounded in these situations, to be less scared of failure and feel less of an impostor. After all, I’ve done it before. I’ve been teaching English for a while and I didn’t suck at it. I guess everyone feels nervous before an interview, at least to some degree. It’s the degree I have to work on 🙂

Right after buying the ticket today, knowing I’ll have that interview tomorrow – a big wave of anxiety hit me. A wave of nostalgia and false reasoning. Finally, now I’m  headed towards a more plausible scenario of change. Suddenly I’ll miss Poland. I’ll miss the dark, wet and cold days. This wave I’m talking about isn’t new to me. Oh no. We’ve been acquainted a long time ago and with no exception, we’ve met every time I left my hometown and later my country. Surfing takes discipline, awareness and momentum.  I’ve surfed a few waves in the past, and I consider myself to be an average surfer ( considering the fact I come form an Eastern European country ). I believe these waves too could be tamed a little – with the right amount of discipline, awareness and momentum. The ride might be worth it. I think so 🙂

So yes, I feel anxious – almost paralysed. I often battle between the fear of failure and the self encouragement I’ve learned about only recently. Often my newly discovered sense of courage the part of me that finds hope and clarity loses to my older inhabitants that have been the ruling party for much longer.

The girlfriend has to stay here for a while. I’d love to be able to take her with me! She also needs to find herself a job in Spain, to find a way to gradually transfer her job from Poland to Spain. She’s a Yoga and Pilates Teacher – it’s a doable thing. Her English is impeccable so she won’t be needing much Spanish to do her classes. Alicante has a big community of expats. It’ll be hard to go back there without her. She loves that place as much as I do, if not more. That’s where we met, on the beach! Makes me think of Chris Rea’s song – On the Beach. Good song, I think 🙂

What I’m going to do now, is prepare for the interview. My CV doesn’t even acknowledge I’ve ever moved away from Spain – and on paper, I’ve never stoped teaching English. So now, I gotta make sure tomorrow I look like I know my s****. I know, maybe not completely fair but I’m in a bit of a hurry to get my s**** together.

Thank you for your brilliant answers, you too have amazing awareness. I’ve never seen anyone connect dots quite like you do, Anita. Thank you so much! I hope you’re having a great morning!

Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your post! I’ve just got off the phone with my mother right now and my brain is a little fried. I’m a little foggy after intense conversations so I’m struggling a little to write something comprehensive. I’ve just read your last post and it does sound familiar what you’ve described. Also my girlfriend told me a couple of times that in her eyes, my parents seem to want to keep me financially tied to them. It very often crossed my mind that the way they always offered to support me financially and very often I’ve felt like they wouldn’t really want me to move on and be independent financially from them. Of course, I believe they do, on a conscious level want to me be financially independent. But at times I also thought that there might be some strange dynamics connected to their offering of financial support. Very often I’ve heard from them ( actually my mother mostly ) things like: ” please don’t forget us ” , ” keep calling us ” , ” don’t live us ”.  ” We are your parents and we do everything for you ”. ” You can always rely on us ”.  Me being financially supported by them does keep us connected – so I see indeed a good reason there to keep the status quo. To be honest, not much else has been given throughout the years. Not much emotional support, authentic attention, the space needed to be heard by them. I’ve been mostly given financial support. It doesn’t surprise me that even now, the things haven’t changed.

However, when it comes to my part, I don’t know. Do I want to put myself into situations where I get their attention? Since there wasn’t much else they were able to give to me in the past, it is possible that the closest thing to receiving their attention could mean their financial support – them giving me money. But I don’t really feel it. I don’t know! I’d have to really pay attention to this, this is very important. I felt good and accomplished when I was financially independent,  and I didn’t feel like I missed or needed their financial support. It felt good knowing it’s there if I needed it.

I will think about this, It’s been on my mind too. Thank you so much, Anita!

My main objective now is to head back to Spain and find stability. I’ll have an online interview on Friday with a language school from Spain, I’ve sent quite a few applications. I feel uncomfortable now being financially supported still by my parents, and also my future moving to Spain will also be supported by them. Sadly right now I don’t have any other source of income. In Poland I didn’t manage to find a job. I also don’t want to live here anymore, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I hope next month I’ll get to Spain and start working. I hope to use my parents financial help for as little as possible and become financially independent again as soon as possible. What do you think of this? To me right now this seems to be the best option, although not ideal. But I don’t want to live here in Poland and I also don’t want to move back with my parents.

Thank you so much! I hope you’re having a good evening! ( or day, probably where you are 🙂 )  It’s 10 pm here!

Take good care,

Robbie

Dear Anita,

It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been lately! I hope all is good with you 🙂

Thank you for reading through both my new and older post. Indeed it looks quite obvious doesn’t it? I think I knew it deep down, just didn’t quite accept it. I find it hard still, to accept that my parents caused me such pain. I do accept it, don’t get me wrong. Of course, I know most of the times they just didn’t know how to handle being a parent. I’ve read Gabor Mate’s books, especially The Myth of Normal and Scattered Minds have opened my eyes to many things. Gabor’s work resonates with me deeply. I can’t recommend his books enough! But I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work.

Scattered Minds, a book about ADD/ADHD – really resonated with me. Many of the causes of ADD mentioned in the book are almost a copy of my childhood memories. I almost feel entitled to some copyright. Not sure I have it though. ADD I mean. The therapist I’ve been seeing recently said I don’t and she thinks I’m dealing with some ”performance anxiety”. She said that if I’ve had ADD I couldn’t hold on to a job and I would do only the things I like, the way I like them. I feel a little puzzled here. She’s right, I’ve been teaching english for about 6 months in Spain. I was both teaching and doing some janitor work in a language school. Although it was very, very difficult at times, I did it. I would feel anxious before my classes and very good after. I would almost always try to convince myself to do it. Then the pandemic started with a lockdown and all was shut down. It felt like a necessary breath of fresh air. I felt good not having to do anything.

Then came the next job, which I’ve had for 3 years and was almost ”tailored” for my needs. So grateful I am for that job. ( maybe if it wasn’t for that job, I would’ve never found the time to do the inner work. I much needed that ) After working for a while I was finally able to be financially independent as my salary got better and better. Before, while I was unemployed fully supported me financially and while I was working for the language school, they paid my rent. Finally in the summer of 2022 I was finally financially independent from my parents. I was living in Poland with my girlfriend and I was making better money now.  She did ”bust my balls” a little and pushed me towards refusing to receive financial support from my parents, but that really changed things. I finally felt more responsible, less tied to them. I also felt my relationship with my parents has improved then. I’ve always felt them sending me money came with a price. My freedom was part of that price. As they controlled all of my actions when I was a kid, that same setup carried on into my adulthood. I was on a leash – so to speak. I’ve been living in a comfortable discomfort for a very long time. I got used to it. Up until the age of 29 I was basically fully and later partially supported by my parents. I have to admit, although comfortable, there was a lot of frustration in me because of that. I wanted my independence, I felt caged still – the cage has changed but still a cage.

So, of course.. finally being financially independent changed things a little. I felt more confident, I felt slightly more recognition ( as an adult ) from my parents and indeed our relationship has improved. I was less controlled by them. After a year and a half of financial independence, the project comes to an end. I knew it for a while already but I’ve been told they will assign different tasks for me after this project ends. That didn’t happen. Lesson learned – I should’ve started working on finding something else.. I really didn’t want to fall back on my parent’s support. There’s a list of lessons I’ve learned this year – a list I wrote on the last year of 2023. This, is one of them. ” Wishful thinking, when not accompanied by action leads to nothing ”.

I have to admit. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, it would’ve taken me longer to see the red flags. We’ve been together for 2 years and a half now and during these years we’ve visited my parents about 5..6 times together. On all occasions we spent there in between 1 and 3 weeks. She comes from a very different childhood experience. In many ways an exact opposite of mine. She received the space, the attention and the freedom she wanted. She came from, what I would describe –  a healthy upbringing. It was so easy for her to spot the obvious. She pointed to me many situations where I was being manipulated by my parents. Many times I wouldn’t realise that was happening although my gut feeling would say otherwise. But now, I had a better connection to my gut feelings thanks to my newly discovered Gabor Mate – so I started to wake up. I started to become aware of the s*** that has been thrown my way for years. The lack of support, attention and the very often patronising way my parents view both me and my partner.

Herself, being a little older than me, very present, rooted and aware, coming from a healthier background – saw it all. The ”map” I’ve already had. I’ve been drawing it for years. Without the observations from someone from the ”outside”, I would’ve been blinded still. Blinded by supple but effective manipulations my parents would pull. It took both of us a while to put it all together. I am very grateful for this woman. She’s very kind and understanding. Beautiful and loving. What a lucky guy I am 🙂 Although I try not to combine my romantic relationship with the relationship I have with my parents this subject has been very present in our life as a couple.

My source of income dried out in November. I still then hoped they would assign something new for me but they didn’t. I then realised I would have to again, for a while rely on my parents for financial support. During the period when I was fully independent, every time we talked on the phone they would offer to help me financially If I needed it. They would even insist. I always said no. I thanked them and told them if I found myself in need, I will let them know. Well, those times have come and I remember asking for their help. It wasn’t easy. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable. I was finally feeling more like an adult – I didn’t want to go back to being a kid and I surely didn’t miss having a cage over my f****** head. But I thought, we all grew a little recently. We have a better relationship now, I’ve been independent – I had a job, I’m in a stable loving relationship. Things surely had changed also in the way they view me. I was again, wrong. The moment I received money from them the cage fell down again. I felt it right away. I was again, on a leash.

It’s Christmas! We both needed a break from the stressful months we’ve had recently. I’m unemployed and unsure of my future again. We went to spend a couple of weeks with my parents. I needed to be ”home” for a while. I needed to disconnect from things a little. Spend some time in nature, do some sports outdoors. Spend some quality time together and also get some emotional support from my family. Also I’ve been thinking about doing a course and I wanted to ask my parents for their financial support in order for me to become a Personal Trainer. This has been on my mind for a while and feels like a job I would like doing. At first, my mother was thrilled – ” oh, finally! you’re doing something! we were worried about you. why didn’t you tell us earlier? I give you the money right now if you want! ”.  That felt good! It felt like a welcoming hug. It felt like healthy support from my family. I thought to myself – Okay man, you got this. Something new and bright is coming. A next step towards adulthood and finally doing something I like.  All is good 🙂

It wasn’t.

It took us a few days to see the signs already. Both of us felt constantly observed and controlled. It felt like we were supposed to dance to the rhythm my parents dictated. Otherwise we would be judged. Very often it felt to me like I couldn’t be my own person. If I tried to be my own person, to be myself in any personal way – I would be patronised. Like a little kid who doesn’t know much. Towards the end of our stay, I’ve had enough. My mother was already acting very standoffish because she thought we didn’t spend enough quality time together as a family – the 4 of us. She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself. I’ve had enough! I told her, that the way she’s been treating me when I was a kid hurts me still. I reminded her how she used to hit me and I told her that it still hurts me and it was a wrong thing to do. I didn’t raise my voice. I was still cautious, not to rock the boat too much. But I’m glad I didn’t snap. I often feel like I want to crack their heads open for the way they treated me. She rejected it completely. At first, she said she didn’t hit me and I’m talking nonsense. Also, she said to me – ” You’re living in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own ”.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days. Before living, we said goodbye and cried. Still, she wouldn’t own it. She kept telling me that I was a handful and It was very difficult for them to raise me. Indeed, I agree. I was a handful. I must’ve had my own reasons to be such a ”troubled” kid. Reasons a healthy adult should’ve seen. They didn’t.

We said goodbye and went back to Poland on the 5th of January this year. Since, I’ve been looking for work both here and in Spain, where I’d like to return soon. I haven’t yet found anything but I keep looking. Also, in the last 2 months I’ve only talked to my parents a few times. My father has been sending me very little money to survive – I’m on a drip so to speak. I have no other source of income now, and I feel terrible being supported still by them. I really hoped I could mend things with my parents, I hoped to make things work better. But maybe it’s not for me to fix anything. Maybe it’s time for me to take good care of myself. I called my mother 10 days after we left. I was hoping she’d by then cleansed a little and we could actually have a normal conversation. I ended up listening to a 40 minutes monologue – her telling me how bad many things I’ve done as a kid and that I deserved to be hit. And she was joking when she told me I’d be placed into foster care. Since, we’ve talked very little and I’ve been told she’s been very down and acting crazy lately. Maybe she feels guilty.

What a mess.. I can almost hear you say :))

Here I am now. Soon all this will look much better, I’ll move on for good. I am right now, gradually but surely stepping out of these toxic bonds. It took me a very long time to get even where I am now and I know it might still take a while. After all, all is good. I have the awareness I need to step out of it. I workout and meditate every day and my vision is clarifying more and more.

Thank you so much for reading this and for all the support throughout the years. It all means so much to me!  I hope some will relate to my story and maybe find either hope or a way to simplify their own process of growth / healing. Sending you all much love!

Take good care!

Robbie

Dear Anita,

What an intense couple of days.. I feel like my life is almost changing without me. Feels like I’m struggling to keep up with things changing in my life. This is of course both exciting and overwhelming. I’m pretty tired these days but I feel a strong urge to change, to grow, to move on and get ”unstuck”. The last 3 years have been like this, very fast, very dense and transformational. Every new and full moon, but especially full moon – I feel it to the point I’m almost unable to function that day. I feel so agitated or low, introspect to the point that I abandon whatever I have to do and surrender.

I hope you’re doing alright and unlike me, you are more relaxed these days. How r u doing ? I see for whatever reason you ”disappeared” and instead of your nickname I see ” anonymous ”. Hope to hear from you soon !

Dear Anita,

Good morning ! What a strange month January was.. I feel February has a different energy to it and good, important things are happening now. We started looking for rooms in shared flats and it feels hopeful and good. For a long time I felt like It will be an uncomfortable move. It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… It’s almost like a self-torture I’ve been inflicting on myself by staying here.

I just realised, how much this topic has changed from its original title. The plot got indeed thicker 🙂

You know I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother ? It has to have something to do with my parents / childhood / that apartment where we lived. I don’t want to focus too much on getting an answer to this, I guess better to focus on what I want to do next but I do very often ask myself where some things come from. I believe this is for me at least, the way to dissolve these kind of things. Once I put light on them they start losing their power. It’s strange, because I feel like she triggers something in me. She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact. It’s ridiculous.. we have food together the 3 of us every day, and I don’t even look at her mother. We don’t really communicate because she only speaks very little English. Why didn’t I learn some Polish? Well, it’s very a very difficult language and it sounds like a construction site. Maybe the real reason is that I don’t care that much about communicating with her mother. I guess I can live with that. However not with her.

So I avoid her almost at all costs, I avoid eye contact, I keep conversations to a bare minimum both because she doesn’t speak English and because I don’t feel like I want to talk to her. The thing is, at first it wasn’t so bad.. we did make eye contact every now and then and I always felt tension coming from her ( or myself ? / both ).  So I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension. She immediately looked away, and so did I. She seemed and still seems nervous around me.

Then this question arises. Could it be that the language barrier is creating this uncomfortable situation where, trying to avoid spending time together without talking at all I decided to avoid being around her at all costs? I think there is more…

The worst is the way I react to this situation.  In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc. so very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again.. I would even insult her in all kinds of ways. It’s like I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood. I’ve said those kind of things in my mind and I acted in a similar manner. I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other.

Dammit !

I just don’t really know what to say. I paused for a while without words. I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood but often I didn’t think about it in more detail, I often avoided it. Now that I wrote it down and said it, I feel like I hit the nail in the head. So I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult.

I’ll be honest, there is part of me which is still looking for an excuse. ( but I don’t make that much money and It would be difficult living somewhere else ). But again, I’m in the exact same situation. Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on, even though I lived in a different city as a student my parent’s paid for my accommodation and expenses. Later on, when I moved to Spain they again did the same thing. Gradually I managed to earn some money but It wasn’t enough for me to cover everything so they’ve been paying my rent.  Now I earn better money and since June I’ve been fully independent from them. They haven’t send me any money. Here, I’ve contributed to the expenses of the flat but they haven’t been that substantial. So, even though I feel very proud my of myself for finally managing to be fully independent from my parents, I still see a similar situation here.  I didn’t leave this place that causes me discomfort in order not to lose shelter ?

It is true that it would be more expensive to live somewhere else than living in this flat, sure. But.. Could it be that my past-programming / conditioning didn’t let me leave and kept me here?  I’ve said it at the beginning of this post.. self torture I’ve been inflicting on myself. My girlfriend kept asking me afte I recently told her that its very difficult for me to live here because I don’t like being around her mum and I don’t have my space/privacy etc. She kept asking me: Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?

Well…

I do believe things happen for a reason. I know it sounds like a bumper sticker but there I believe is a lot of truth in it. Very often I’ve been amazed of the things that showed on my path when the time was right and I know that this particular situation is indeed extraordinary. I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.

Thank you!

Oh, I’ve only read your previous post now ! Thank you, for both your post and telling me about you! I really apreciate that 🙂