Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your post! I’ve just got off the phone with my mother right now and my brain is a little fried. I’m a little foggy after intense conversations so I’m struggling a little to write something comprehensive. I’ve just read your last post and it does sound familiar what you’ve described. Also my girlfriend told me a couple of times that in her eyes, my parents seem to want to keep me financially tied to them. It very often crossed my mind that the way they always offered to support me financially and very often I’ve felt like they wouldn’t really want me to move on and be independent financially from them. Of course, I believe they do, on a conscious level want to me be financially independent. But at times I also thought that there might be some strange dynamics connected to their offering of financial support. Very often I’ve heard from them ( actually my mother mostly ) things like: ” please don’t forget us ” , ” keep calling us ” , ” don’t live us ”.  ” We are your parents and we do everything for you ”. ” You can always rely on us ”.  Me being financially supported by them does keep us connected – so I see indeed a good reason there to keep the status quo. To be honest, not much else has been given throughout the years. Not much emotional support, authentic attention, the space needed to be heard by them. I’ve been mostly given financial support. It doesn’t surprise me that even now, the things haven’t changed.

However, when it comes to my part, I don’t know. Do I want to put myself into situations where I get their attention? Since there wasn’t much else they were able to give to me in the past, it is possible that the closest thing to receiving their attention could mean their financial support – them giving me money. But I don’t really feel it. I don’t know! I’d have to really pay attention to this, this is very important. I felt good and accomplished when I was financially independent,  and I didn’t feel like I missed or needed their financial support. It felt good knowing it’s there if I needed it.

I will think about this, It’s been on my mind too. Thank you so much, Anita!

My main objective now is to head back to Spain and find stability. I’ll have an online interview on Friday with a language school from Spain, I’ve sent quite a few applications. I feel uncomfortable now being financially supported still by my parents, and also my future moving to Spain will also be supported by them. Sadly right now I don’t have any other source of income. In Poland I didn’t manage to find a job. I also don’t want to live here anymore, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I hope next month I’ll get to Spain and start working. I hope to use my parents financial help for as little as possible and become financially independent again as soon as possible. What do you think of this? To me right now this seems to be the best option, although not ideal. But I don’t want to live here in Poland and I also don’t want to move back with my parents.

Thank you so much! I hope you’re having a good evening! ( or day, probably where you are 🙂 )  It’s 10 pm here!

Take good care,

Robbie

Dear Anita,

It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been lately! I hope all is good with you 🙂

Thank you for reading through both my new and older post. Indeed it looks quite obvious doesn’t it? I think I knew it deep down, just didn’t quite accept it. I find it hard still, to accept that my parents caused me such pain. I do accept it, don’t get me wrong. Of course, I know most of the times they just didn’t know how to handle being a parent. I’ve read Gabor Mate’s books, especially The Myth of Normal and Scattered Minds have opened my eyes to many things. Gabor’s work resonates with me deeply. I can’t recommend his books enough! But I’m sure many of you are familiar with his work.

Scattered Minds, a book about ADD/ADHD – really resonated with me. Many of the causes of ADD mentioned in the book are almost a copy of my childhood memories. I almost feel entitled to some copyright. Not sure I have it though. ADD I mean. The therapist I’ve been seeing recently said I don’t and she thinks I’m dealing with some ”performance anxiety”. She said that if I’ve had ADD I couldn’t hold on to a job and I would do only the things I like, the way I like them. I feel a little puzzled here. She’s right, I’ve been teaching english for about 6 months in Spain. I was both teaching and doing some janitor work in a language school. Although it was very, very difficult at times, I did it. I would feel anxious before my classes and very good after. I would almost always try to convince myself to do it. Then the pandemic started with a lockdown and all was shut down. It felt like a necessary breath of fresh air. I felt good not having to do anything.

Then came the next job, which I’ve had for 3 years and was almost ”tailored” for my needs. So grateful I am for that job. ( maybe if it wasn’t for that job, I would’ve never found the time to do the inner work. I much needed that ) After working for a while I was finally able to be financially independent as my salary got better and better. Before, while I was unemployed fully supported me financially and while I was working for the language school, they paid my rent. Finally in the summer of 2022 I was finally financially independent from my parents. I was living in Poland with my girlfriend and I was making better money now.  She did ”bust my balls” a little and pushed me towards refusing to receive financial support from my parents, but that really changed things. I finally felt more responsible, less tied to them. I also felt my relationship with my parents has improved then. I’ve always felt them sending me money came with a price. My freedom was part of that price. As they controlled all of my actions when I was a kid, that same setup carried on into my adulthood. I was on a leash – so to speak. I’ve been living in a comfortable discomfort for a very long time. I got used to it. Up until the age of 29 I was basically fully and later partially supported by my parents. I have to admit, although comfortable, there was a lot of frustration in me because of that. I wanted my independence, I felt caged still – the cage has changed but still a cage.

So, of course.. finally being financially independent changed things a little. I felt more confident, I felt slightly more recognition ( as an adult ) from my parents and indeed our relationship has improved. I was less controlled by them. After a year and a half of financial independence, the project comes to an end. I knew it for a while already but I’ve been told they will assign different tasks for me after this project ends. That didn’t happen. Lesson learned – I should’ve started working on finding something else.. I really didn’t want to fall back on my parent’s support. There’s a list of lessons I’ve learned this year – a list I wrote on the last year of 2023. This, is one of them. ” Wishful thinking, when not accompanied by action leads to nothing ”.

I have to admit. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend, it would’ve taken me longer to see the red flags. We’ve been together for 2 years and a half now and during these years we’ve visited my parents about 5..6 times together. On all occasions we spent there in between 1 and 3 weeks. She comes from a very different childhood experience. In many ways an exact opposite of mine. She received the space, the attention and the freedom she wanted. She came from, what I would describe –  a healthy upbringing. It was so easy for her to spot the obvious. She pointed to me many situations where I was being manipulated by my parents. Many times I wouldn’t realise that was happening although my gut feeling would say otherwise. But now, I had a better connection to my gut feelings thanks to my newly discovered Gabor Mate – so I started to wake up. I started to become aware of the s*** that has been thrown my way for years. The lack of support, attention and the very often patronising way my parents view both me and my partner.

Herself, being a little older than me, very present, rooted and aware, coming from a healthier background – saw it all. The ”map” I’ve already had. I’ve been drawing it for years. Without the observations from someone from the ”outside”, I would’ve been blinded still. Blinded by supple but effective manipulations my parents would pull. It took both of us a while to put it all together. I am very grateful for this woman. She’s very kind and understanding. Beautiful and loving. What a lucky guy I am 🙂 Although I try not to combine my romantic relationship with the relationship I have with my parents this subject has been very present in our life as a couple.

My source of income dried out in November. I still then hoped they would assign something new for me but they didn’t. I then realised I would have to again, for a while rely on my parents for financial support. During the period when I was fully independent, every time we talked on the phone they would offer to help me financially If I needed it. They would even insist. I always said no. I thanked them and told them if I found myself in need, I will let them know. Well, those times have come and I remember asking for their help. It wasn’t easy. I felt ashamed and uncomfortable. I was finally feeling more like an adult – I didn’t want to go back to being a kid and I surely didn’t miss having a cage over my f****** head. But I thought, we all grew a little recently. We have a better relationship now, I’ve been independent – I had a job, I’m in a stable loving relationship. Things surely had changed also in the way they view me. I was again, wrong. The moment I received money from them the cage fell down again. I felt it right away. I was again, on a leash.

It’s Christmas! We both needed a break from the stressful months we’ve had recently. I’m unemployed and unsure of my future again. We went to spend a couple of weeks with my parents. I needed to be ”home” for a while. I needed to disconnect from things a little. Spend some time in nature, do some sports outdoors. Spend some quality time together and also get some emotional support from my family. Also I’ve been thinking about doing a course and I wanted to ask my parents for their financial support in order for me to become a Personal Trainer. This has been on my mind for a while and feels like a job I would like doing. At first, my mother was thrilled – ” oh, finally! you’re doing something! we were worried about you. why didn’t you tell us earlier? I give you the money right now if you want! ”.  That felt good! It felt like a welcoming hug. It felt like healthy support from my family. I thought to myself – Okay man, you got this. Something new and bright is coming. A next step towards adulthood and finally doing something I like.  All is good 🙂

It wasn’t.

It took us a few days to see the signs already. Both of us felt constantly observed and controlled. It felt like we were supposed to dance to the rhythm my parents dictated. Otherwise we would be judged. Very often it felt to me like I couldn’t be my own person. If I tried to be my own person, to be myself in any personal way – I would be patronised. Like a little kid who doesn’t know much. Towards the end of our stay, I’ve had enough. My mother was already acting very standoffish because she thought we didn’t spend enough quality time together as a family – the 4 of us. She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself. I’ve had enough! I told her, that the way she’s been treating me when I was a kid hurts me still. I reminded her how she used to hit me and I told her that it still hurts me and it was a wrong thing to do. I didn’t raise my voice. I was still cautious, not to rock the boat too much. But I’m glad I didn’t snap. I often feel like I want to crack their heads open for the way they treated me. She rejected it completely. At first, she said she didn’t hit me and I’m talking nonsense. Also, she said to me – ” You’re living in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own ”.  She didn’t talk to us for the next days. Before living, we said goodbye and cried. Still, she wouldn’t own it. She kept telling me that I was a handful and It was very difficult for them to raise me. Indeed, I agree. I was a handful. I must’ve had my own reasons to be such a ”troubled” kid. Reasons a healthy adult should’ve seen. They didn’t.

We said goodbye and went back to Poland on the 5th of January this year. Since, I’ve been looking for work both here and in Spain, where I’d like to return soon. I haven’t yet found anything but I keep looking. Also, in the last 2 months I’ve only talked to my parents a few times. My father has been sending me very little money to survive – I’m on a drip so to speak. I have no other source of income now, and I feel terrible being supported still by them. I really hoped I could mend things with my parents, I hoped to make things work better. But maybe it’s not for me to fix anything. Maybe it’s time for me to take good care of myself. I called my mother 10 days after we left. I was hoping she’d by then cleansed a little and we could actually have a normal conversation. I ended up listening to a 40 minutes monologue – her telling me how bad many things I’ve done as a kid and that I deserved to be hit. And she was joking when she told me I’d be placed into foster care. Since, we’ve talked very little and I’ve been told she’s been very down and acting crazy lately. Maybe she feels guilty.

What a mess.. I can almost hear you say :))

Here I am now. Soon all this will look much better, I’ll move on for good. I am right now, gradually but surely stepping out of these toxic bonds. It took me a very long time to get even where I am now and I know it might still take a while. After all, all is good. I have the awareness I need to step out of it. I workout and meditate every day and my vision is clarifying more and more.

Thank you so much for reading this and for all the support throughout the years. It all means so much to me!  I hope some will relate to my story and maybe find either hope or a way to simplify their own process of growth / healing. Sending you all much love!

Take good care!

Robbie

Dear Anita,

What an intense couple of days.. I feel like my life is almost changing without me. Feels like I’m struggling to keep up with things changing in my life. This is of course both exciting and overwhelming. I’m pretty tired these days but I feel a strong urge to change, to grow, to move on and get ”unstuck”. The last 3 years have been like this, very fast, very dense and transformational. Every new and full moon, but especially full moon – I feel it to the point I’m almost unable to function that day. I feel so agitated or low, introspect to the point that I abandon whatever I have to do and surrender.

I hope you’re doing alright and unlike me, you are more relaxed these days. How r u doing ? I see for whatever reason you ”disappeared” and instead of your nickname I see ” anonymous ”. Hope to hear from you soon !

Dear Anita,

Good morning ! What a strange month January was.. I feel February has a different energy to it and good, important things are happening now. We started looking for rooms in shared flats and it feels hopeful and good. For a long time I felt like It will be an uncomfortable move. It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… It’s almost like a self-torture I’ve been inflicting on myself by staying here.

I just realised, how much this topic has changed from its original title. The plot got indeed thicker 🙂

You know I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother ? It has to have something to do with my parents / childhood / that apartment where we lived. I don’t want to focus too much on getting an answer to this, I guess better to focus on what I want to do next but I do very often ask myself where some things come from. I believe this is for me at least, the way to dissolve these kind of things. Once I put light on them they start losing their power. It’s strange, because I feel like she triggers something in me. She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact. It’s ridiculous.. we have food together the 3 of us every day, and I don’t even look at her mother. We don’t really communicate because she only speaks very little English. Why didn’t I learn some Polish? Well, it’s very a very difficult language and it sounds like a construction site. Maybe the real reason is that I don’t care that much about communicating with her mother. I guess I can live with that. However not with her.

So I avoid her almost at all costs, I avoid eye contact, I keep conversations to a bare minimum both because she doesn’t speak English and because I don’t feel like I want to talk to her. The thing is, at first it wasn’t so bad.. we did make eye contact every now and then and I always felt tension coming from her ( or myself ? / both ).  So I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension. She immediately looked away, and so did I. She seemed and still seems nervous around me.

Then this question arises. Could it be that the language barrier is creating this uncomfortable situation where, trying to avoid spending time together without talking at all I decided to avoid being around her at all costs? I think there is more…

The worst is the way I react to this situation.  In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc. so very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again.. I would even insult her in all kinds of ways. It’s like I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood. I’ve said those kind of things in my mind and I acted in a similar manner. I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other.

Dammit !

I just don’t really know what to say. I paused for a while without words. I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood but often I didn’t think about it in more detail, I often avoided it. Now that I wrote it down and said it, I feel like I hit the nail in the head. So I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult.

I’ll be honest, there is part of me which is still looking for an excuse. ( but I don’t make that much money and It would be difficult living somewhere else ). But again, I’m in the exact same situation. Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on, even though I lived in a different city as a student my parent’s paid for my accommodation and expenses. Later on, when I moved to Spain they again did the same thing. Gradually I managed to earn some money but It wasn’t enough for me to cover everything so they’ve been paying my rent.  Now I earn better money and since June I’ve been fully independent from them. They haven’t send me any money. Here, I’ve contributed to the expenses of the flat but they haven’t been that substantial. So, even though I feel very proud my of myself for finally managing to be fully independent from my parents, I still see a similar situation here.  I didn’t leave this place that causes me discomfort in order not to lose shelter ?

It is true that it would be more expensive to live somewhere else than living in this flat, sure. But.. Could it be that my past-programming / conditioning didn’t let me leave and kept me here?  I’ve said it at the beginning of this post.. self torture I’ve been inflicting on myself. My girlfriend kept asking me afte I recently told her that its very difficult for me to live here because I don’t like being around her mum and I don’t have my space/privacy etc. She kept asking me: Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?

Well…

I do believe things happen for a reason. I know it sounds like a bumper sticker but there I believe is a lot of truth in it. Very often I’ve been amazed of the things that showed on my path when the time was right and I know that this particular situation is indeed extraordinary. I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.

Thank you!

Oh, I’ve only read your previous post now ! Thank you, for both your post and telling me about you! I really apreciate that 🙂

Anita ! I hope you started the year well and good things are happening over there! I’ve been thinking of writing here so many times but I don’t know why I didn’t. Tonight I decided to check this thread and I’ve just read your posts. I feel grateful to see your posts but ashamed because I didn’t check at all. Thank you so much for your concern!

I’m still in Poland, and I’ve been thinking about moving or not moving for some time now. Overall I’m alright, but I’ve been struggling a lot with a few things. I’ve become very unsure about my relationship and my feelings and I often feel like I’m with the wrong person. Could it be that we are not right for each other ? Or maybe I’m not ready for it / not capable of a healthy relationship and I’m looking for all kinds of scenarios why she isn’t right? Often missing my past couple of years where I was single and having a good time in Spain. A lot has been going on and I often feel like I’m about to explode.

I can’t write much right now, but I really wanted to write to you now. Tomorrow I’ll be writing more. Talking to you is one of the most beneficial things that ever happened to me but still I wasn’t able to convince myself to write more to you. Funny how these things are sometimes.

I hope you too are doing alright! I never asked you anything about yourself but wish I knew more about you.

Well hello again,

It has been a while.. since I wrote here.. and some things changed. Some things haven´t in the past 8 months.

First of all, I am still here in Spain.. after looking for lots of jobs in February and March, I only managed to get a couple of hours a week, teaching english in a language academy. I finally got some work in a Summer Camp in April which made everything better. It was difficult and challenging.. I felt anxious sometimes but I`ve learned a lot from that experience. I did if for a couple of months and then I was unemployed again. That was the deal… it was only for 2 months. So I finished summer camp and in June I got back to my country. I had to… since I had no work and my money was running out.. I have been there for 3 more months and

Well hello again, after a long time!

Writing here right now makes me somehow guilty.. I feel like I am taking advantage

it was weird  to be back at the beginning.. I felt like such a failure.. Like I failed and I had to come back.. Maybe I did in some way.. but not entirely for sure. It made sense to go home for 3 months because they just bought a house and they needed a hand with the moving.. So It made sense to go help them since I had no work… and then come back here and try again.

After being there for 3 months it was hard to leave again.. I cried and I questioned my decision to go back to Spain.. I almost gave up and stayed home… almost. I came back here knowing that I will have some courses in the same academy I have been working for earlier this year and I hoped they will give me more work so I will be able to be here. And, they did.. I am workig for 10 hours a week now.. and I am also taking care of some cleaning, so I get some extra money. It´s a little weird to be a teacher and janitor/cleaner in the same place.. but I could think of worse scenarios. I still don`t earn enough money to live here.. so my mother still pays my rent. I can afford all my other expenses except my rent.  Being a teacher is quite interesting.. Sometimes it can be really great, sometimes it can be very stressful. I am very anxious before some of my courses… and most of the time I feel like I have no idea what Im doing… and I am scared of my students noticing that.. I don´t think that is true, but I always feel like that.. After I finish my courses I always feel good and uplifted.. Even while doing it, I could say I feel pretty confident.  I´ve been doing this for 3 months now and I am starting to get used to having a routine… I do feel better in some respects..  much better. But maybe I still have too much free time..

The thing is … I solved some of the problems.. that is for sure. But I still find myself crying and feeling down.. and feeling very frustrated. I feel very lonely.. and I guess I felt very lonely for a long time.. maybe always.. Since I broke up with my ex girlfriend, a little more than a year ago, I haven´t been with anyone..  Again, I am in the same situation I have been a 3 years ago… when I somehow managed to be single and have no intimate relationships with anyone for nearly 4 years. I was scared I will get trough that again… and I am.. And it feels terrible. It makes me feel so frustrated, lonely and isolated. And I believe I am responsible for that.. and I think for some reason I want to be alone but I don`t want to feel lonely. I keep comparing myself with my friends and the people around me and they all seem to be in a relationship or at least hooking up with people..  None of them seem to go trough what I´m going.. I keep realizing that everyone is having sex.. at least once in a couple of months.. but I haven´t met anyone in my situation.. I feel like a failure, like a looser..  and I don´t know why is this happening.. I think I am just too shy to make these things happen.. and I just prefer not even trying.. I maybe got so comfortable in this situation so I prefer it now.. and I just suffer and wait for someone to make it happen for me..  And sometimes it happens… but the kind of girls who are willing to make all these steps.. are simply not my kind of girls.

I got to the point where I simply meet a girl, and if she is somewhat beautiful and we have a good conversation I over think and almost fall in love.. It´s ridiculous..

I got to the point where I am feeling desperate for any girls attention.. sometimes I feel like I would do anything for some kind of attention.. for some kind of intimacy.. It really feels awful.. and I feel ashamed to be like this.. I really do… And I simply don´t know what to do.. None of my friends know this… I haven´t told anyone that I haven´t had sex in more than a year and that I feel so lonely.. because they all seem to make those things happen.. and I feel like I am such a freak…

I do know and understand that maybe sex is not such an important thing.. and I am maybe too focused on that..

Maybe I shouldn´t..  but this is the way I feel… And some days I miss ex my girlfriend so much and I feel so guilty for not doing my best when I had the chance.. I keep thinking maybe we could´ve made it work..  I know its an illusion and I only think that way because I got so needy and desperate..

I don´t know what to do…

I think I just needed to tell someone..

Thank you !

Hey guys

Pretty much every day I wanted to write here, but I always ended up doing something else. Don´t know why. I noticed this applies to pretty much everything in my life.. Except procrastinating.. I could be a world champion.

So.. I have been here in Spain for one month and I had very good times and pretty bad times as well. I had moments then I’ve been very happy and grateful for being here, when I was sure I want to stay here. I also had moments when I wanted to go back to my country, to my family, to my cars, to the mountain roads where I used to race my cars..  to some of my friends there.

I had moments when I was so grateful for the friends I have here in Spain.. and sometimes I really felt loved and appreciated. So it’s not bad here. It’s actually nice.. and I can say I have a few good friends.. friends I met when I was here doing my Erasmus year. I almost have tears in my eyes when I’m writing this.. I don’t know why.

The things is.. almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I am emotionally unstable.. but I cry quite often.. Maybe it’s a lot of pressure all this.. being here, looking for a job, making new friends..  Maybe I am scared of all this.. and maybe that’s why I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there. Not really..  I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here.. and I feel very grateful for them helping me be here and doing such a big effort. They don’t earn a lot of money.. but they keep helping me.. and they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time if feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot.

So.. I have been here for one month now. I went to 40 restaurants and bars and gave them my CV, and I sent a few in the airport as well. I was looking for places where they need English speakers. My Spanish is not that good, so I am trying to use the other languages I speak as an advantage. Spanish people don’t speak much English.  Going around the city and giving 40 CV’s might sound like some kind of effort but.. It look me  4 days. So.. I have been procrastinating here as well.. I haven’t been doing much. But I was going out quite often and I was getting drunk a lot. So.. I am still doing the same.. and I don’t feel motivated to really find a job.. it’s crazy.

BUT.. 

Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher.  A friend of mine knew this lady who happens to run a language academy and I somehow ended up replacing someone who just left Spain and was working there as an english teacher ( who was also a friend of mine ).  The importance of networking..

It’s not really a big deal, because I will only have 2 students. So.. it’s like.. I will get like 10 euros/ hour.. and since I only have 2 students.. I guess I will have like 50.. 100 euros a month.. which is sh*t.  But I suppose it’s a good start no? So there is a chance for me here. I have been there all ready and they seem nice.. I don’t really know anything about teaching english.. and I don’t feel very confident.. or qualified. But.. it sounds much better than cutting onions or serving someone’s dinner.

Okay so I might have a job.. and if I prove myself to be good, they will give me more students, I will earn more money and I could live like a normal human being. So there is a bit of hope. Aaaand there are plenty of other academies here so I could apply to others as well.. and I could have a few courses in each one.

ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT  COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?

I will start tomorrow, but I haven’t really read any books about how to be an english teacher.. I haven’t prepared anything. So basically I don’t care. I am living a shit life but I don’t care?

I know my post doesn’t make much sense.. I am a bit lost at the moment.

Thank you for reading ! And thank you for being here !  I wish I could reward you somehow.